Okay. So my husband and I just moved into our first real home. Not an apartment, not a rental ours. It’s small, but it’s clean, fresh, ours. I was so excited. We’ve been saving for this for years. Picking the colors, the furniture, all that. But then his mom shows up with boxes. Boxes. Not gifts, not a housewarming cake her old kitchen crap, random curtains, mismatched plates, a used toaster from like 2008. I kid you not, there was a damn blender that smelled like old soup. No joke. She says she’s “helping.” Helping us “get started.” But it’s not help. It’s clutter. It’s her way of inserting herself into everything. She doesn’t ask. She just dumps the stuff off and acts like we’re ungrateful when we don’t jump for joy over a scratched up coffee table with a wobbly leg. I tried to let it go. I did. I smiled. I said thank you the first few times. I figured, okay, maybe it’s sentimental to her. Maybe this is just her way of being nice. But it didn’t stop. It got worse. One day I came home and found her rearranging my kitchen. MY kitchen. She had swapped out our new dish set with hers. She even put up these old floral curtains that look like they came from a 90s nursing home. I nearly lost it. So I finally said something. Calm but direct.
I told her, “We just bought this house. We’re excited to make it ours. Please don’t bring any more of your old things. Let us buy our own.” She looked stunned. Then came the guilt trip. “I was just trying to help. You think you’re too good for my things now?” And then she stormed out. My husband? He just stood there. Said nothing. Later he told me I could’ve said it nicer. Nicer?! I’ve been swallowing my irritation for weeks. I finally stood up for our space and suddenly I’m the bad guy? Now I feel awful. I don’t want drama. But I also don’t want to live in a secondhand museum curated by my MIL. So yeah… I said what I said. I set a boundary. But now I’m being painted as rude, ungrateful, even classist. I don’t know. I’m tired. I just wanted our home to feel like us, not like a storage unit for her leftovers. Was I too harsh? Should I have kept my mouth shut just to keep the peace? AITAH?
Comments
NTA. Your house, your rules. And certainly not your obligation to become a museum for MIL’s nostalgia.
I get that family often wants to help, but she’s not helping—she’s just cluttering up your life. You tried to be respectful, but it sounds like she’s really pushing it. I don’t think you were too harsh, you had to set a clear boundary.
She swapped out your new dishes? What did she do with them? Perhaps you should start leaving junk at her house.
You didn’t reject her things, you reclaimed your space. A home isn’t just walls and furniture, it’s identity. And it sounds like she wasn’t giving, she was taking over. Setting a boundary doesn’t make you rude, it makes you brave.
NTA
You don’t have a MIL problem though. Your husband has made it clear to her that this is ok.
Congratulations, you’re a third wheel in your own marriage. He prioritizes her feelings over yours.
I you can be “rude” as you want in your own home. Especially with someone who clearly doesn’t understand boundaries.
NTA.
Bring it all back and leave it with her. If she’s anything like someone in my family, she’s a pack rat who can’t throw anything out and is looking for a way to declutter while calling it a favour.
NTA
I’d tell him he could sleep on the couch until it sinks in that you shouldn’t have had to be the one to say anything in the first place, it’s HIS mother and dealing with her is HIS responsibility.
He owes you an apology and her a conversation. Then he needs to box up everything she brought over and take it back to her house.
Don’t bring it back MAKE YOUR SPINELESS HB DO IT. Let HIM get you stuff back as it is HIS M therfore HIS PROBLEM! It seems MIL is a closet? HORDER that just happe on more space for her JUNK. NOTHING gets past the front door without YOUR APPROVAL. Meanwhile how did she get into YOUR HOUSE to arrange YOUR CUPBOARDS??? Change the locks she got a key.
NTA and if SO wanted you to ‘say it nicer’ then HE should have said something to her to stop her
‘Yes, MIL, I think I’m too good for those ratty old curtains, and I’m guessing you think you’re too good for them too, which is why you’re trying to palm them off on us.’
‘Am I classist? Damn straight. I didn’t work this hard to settle for second hand.”
NTA. Time for husband to step up and say something.
NTA. You ARE too good for someone else’s crap that you don’t want. That last part is key. I don’t care if someone is palming off a 50 cent plate or a $500 vase, if I don’t want it then I DON’T WANT IT. Your husband needs to man tf up and deal with his annoying interfering guilt-tripping mother. Put all her crap in boxes and tell him either he’s returning them to her or you’re taking it all to Goodwill.
I had a an old boyfriend whose mother did the same thing. Crates full of old national geographics, moldy outdoor furniture pads. The kicker? Everything she gave us was hers. She would want something back (once in a while it was something worth keeping)”I want my (whatever) back. Every Christmas gift she gave you? Hers.
I never asked her for anything and never wanted anything but she just kept bringing stuff.
If her stuff is still so good why is she getting rid of it. She should just keep her old crap. I would have been much nastier than you were. Hubby needs a lesson in saying no to his pushy mother too. Chuck all her stuff in rubbish bags and put them in his car to take back to her.
NTA but get new locks and she can’t come over without an invitation and only when your husband is home.
Schedule a monthly thrift org pickup…?
Change your locks. Have a garage sale, or call local goodwill/salvation army to donate, or return to boxes to MIL “thanks but no thanks”. I personally love hand me downs and retro furnishings. But not all at once! I would not be happy having my dishes moved and kitchen rearranged. NTA
Since your husband doesn’t support you have him take the garbage back, and if he doesn’t understand, move him back as well, he seems defective…
NTA. Sucks that you would have to expend the energy and pay for the gas, but I would start hauling anything you can to a donation place/thrift store/homeless shelter etc and throw the rest of it in the garbage. Or put it up somewhere then after a while rent a storage unit hand her the key and tell her when the payment is due.
New Karma farming account. This subs posts ALL follow a formula now. Unbearable in-laws, dink husband with balls in Mommy’s purse. Every one.
ESH. Honestly, you were mean. I get she is invading your space, but how you communicated that doesn’t seem to fit the situation; or is the issue she is gifting old things? From your post, it sounds like the issue is she is giving you old things; you mentioned old things several times. She has clearly overstepped here, but you could communicate this more effectively. “Please do not bring more gifts over for us. We are currently working to make this our dream home, and really would like to do this ourselves.”
Go drop everything she has gifted back at her house, make it clear it isn’t because the things are old, but because you want to make this home your own.
NTA. There’s no nicer way to say it, she would have blown up whatever you said just for putting down that boundary.
Does hubby actually want to redecorate your apartment as if he was living in his 2yo space again?
A psychologist would probably have a field day about that, something about he lets her do it because he secretly wants to crawl back into the womb and relive his lost childhood.
People of a certain generation often equate things with love. I’m not excusing MIL behavior but I’m also not excusing yours. It’s best to set boundaries early and clearly which you did not do. In an effort to restore peace I would apologize for my words but not the sentiment. Also, how was she in your house unattended? What was your husband doing? I don’t blame him for saying nothing in the moment but I would blame him for not supporting you in the aftermath. I hope you find some common ground and can recover your relationship.
NTA – husband should have your back. Period.
Everyone knows that help is only help if it’s wanted. If it’s not, it’s just hinderance.
Next time you have a chat with MIL, take something that’s really important to her and tell her you’re going to get rid of it for her own good. Does she enjoy gardening? Tell her you’re going to rip up all the flowers and put some gravel down, because gardening is hard work so you’re just helping. Does she have a pet? Pet now is going to come live with you because pets are hard work and you’re helping. Obviously these are ridiculous things to suggest, and when MIL says that to you, just say “oh, so my offers to do things that you don’t want or need are not actually helpful? So does that mean I can feel the same way when others try to ‘help’ me with things I don’t want or need”?
Just return everything to her. *We don’t have room.” And change your locks. No coming in without an invite
NTA. Or, donate anything worthwhile and toss the rest.
Maybe. But its understandable. My MIL loves to thrift and gift. We get presents randomly all throughout the year. I just thank her for thinking of us and donate what isn’t a good fit, and it maintains a good relationship. Bonus, when I do need something, I can always ask her to be on the lookout for it. There are other times when I have needed to set boundaries with my MIL. Clearly, stating a boundary is a good idea. However, the way described was imo more insulting than warranted. As you said, there were many events irritating you prior to the curtains and dishware incident so you were frustrated. If you are interested in improving communication with your MIL, Google the feedback sandwich. It is a way of communicating feedback (including stating boundaries) with a gentler framing. Allowing you to provide feedback or state boundaries while keeping the conversation positive / kind.
NTA sounds like ur husband is trying move home with mommy
>My husband? He just stood there. Said nothing. Later he told me I could’ve said it nicer.
He could have jumped in and said it nicer if he wanted. He could have said it at anytime before this.
NTA
Change your locks, we all know she has made copies of the key she has. Do not give her a new key. Toss all the crap she brought over into the bin. Tell your husband if he doesnt back you up hes going in the bin with all the crap. NTA
She sounds exactly like my MIL, all the way down to rearranging the kitchen. NTA. And while you’re on this roll, throw it all out.