My mom and dad got divorced when I was five. It was good. They are terrible together. All I remember from back then is them fighting constantly. My mom got primary custody of me and my dad got me on weekends and some holidays.
It was better for a couple of years until my mom met Dale. He isn’t a bad person he just wasn’t interested in being a step dad. They got married when I was nine. Then they needed to move for Dale’s job. My mom left me with my dad and said she would be back for me when they got settled. My dad and grandma agreed to take care of me full time until then.
They apparently have settling to do still because I turned 17 in May and she hasn’t come back for me yet. She did however have a kid with Dale. I’ve never met him.
My half brother is sick and needs something from me. My mother and his father aren’t a match but I might be. My mom contacted me to ask me to get tested to see if I’m a match. My dad said it was up to me.
I said no. I have an athletic scholarship to college in the fall. If I do this (donate, not test) I won’t be able to participate in the sport I was recruited to play. Which will mean my scholarship goes away.
My mom begged. I thought about it. I know I have no shot at being a professional athlete. I’m good but not great. I can play Div. I sports but I won’t get payed to play. I came up with a compromise I thought would be good. I offered to get tested and if I was a match I would donate, if my mom and Dale agreed to pay my tuition for my degree. I thought it was win/win. If I donate the kid has a chance to live, I can concentrate on school instead of sports, and my dad gets a break after years of doing everything.
They said no. They said I should do it with no conditions. I said fuck no then. They accused me of being heartless. I said that just because she didn’t give a shit about me and my future doesn’t mean I don’t. She said my brother will die without me. And here is where I might be the asshole.
I literally said that it made no difference to me if here kid lived or died. That I didn’t give a shit.
My dad is staying out of it and my grandma is on my corner. In fact all of my dad’s family says it’s my decision. My mom’s family thinks I’m being an asshole for what I said. I’ve been blocking them all as I get the chance.
Am I the asshole?
Comments
No. Your compromise was fair considering that Mom and Dale have never done anything for you.
NTA. You have no relationship with this child and your mother has no right to ask this of you after abandoning you. Take care of yourself and your future.
NTA. You have no connection to this kid. Your Mom met and married her new husband, then left you with your Dad to start over. She abandoned you, her first child and now thinks she can pressure you into helping her second child? The woman is out of her mind.
There is no part in this where you are an asshole. Your Mom doesn’t get to skip out and then make demands. And she doesn’t get to be upset when you don’t care if a kid you’ve never met sick and might not make it. None of this is a you problem.
Your Mom caused herself any and all pain she is suffering from your answer. You don’t owe her, her husband, or their child anything. Not time, not attention, and certainly not a life altering surgery.
I’m gona say NTA and here’s why.
They’re treating you like this as if they already know you’re a match. It seems to me that prior they don’t really have a lot of contact with you considering you’ve never met your half brother? So what if it comes back as ur not a match? They just be like oh well thanks anyway and go back to not really being in your life?!?
NTA. It takes a lot of nerve to demand the child you abandoned sacrifice for the child you didn’t.
NTA, even if you don’t go pro, your athletic scholarship is your way to work towards a better future. If you had to give that up to donate to your half-sibling, it is reasonable that they should reimburse you for that sacrifice.
Even if she paid child support, which was most likely legally mandated, it does not entitle her to your body as a resource for her other child.
Tell her where to shove it and if she continues to bother you, threaten harassment charges and a medical coercion report.
If you tell the hospital you are being forced to do something against your will, they cannot allow you to test or donate. You’re NTA you’re just a kid, enjoy your life and block your mom as soon as you turn 18
NTA. You are not obligated to perform for a stranger and your mother will deal with the consequences of abandoning you in favor of her new life chapter.
NTA, you have autonomy over your body and what you choose to do. It’s kind of you to even consider helping. While it may be in bad taste to ask for something in return, it just makes sense. By donating it could be life-altering which affects you and all you’re doing is making sure you’re covered.
The truth is the truth. They are only back in your life to shop for your body parts. No one is entitled to another’s body parts. They can go on a list and wait for the gift of whatever parts are needed. If I were you, I would go no contact to preserve your own mental health. You have a bright future ahead of you, go for it. Good luck.
still haven’t settled yet had a child together when they supposedly couldn’t take care of you? bullshit. NTA, it’s your body, and your choice. you have every right to say no, you probably barely know the kid.
They think he will die without your donation but they’re not willing to pay the price of the tuition you would lose?
You just found out what his life was worth to them. Nothing
NTA
Tell your mom the donation couñd have been picked up.many years ago, but she chose to live her life and now its your turn. You dont owe her dale or a kid you never met N E Thing! Just like them.. not oweing a kid the LEFT behind wkthout second thought . KARMA is what its called.
Yeah, it was a mean thing to say, but I don’t blame you for not wanting to help since you would be giving up so much, and they don’t want to give anything.
NTA. It’s a little cold to say that, but frankly your mother & Dale have done nothing to earn warmth.
You don’t even know this kid? Fuck no. You aren’t dead yet, strangers can’t benefit from organ donors until they’re deceased/not save-able.
Never, NEVER, let anyone force you into any organ donation. I’m glad your paternal family is on your side.
Edit: Living donors are absolutely a thing! But only consensual & without ANY pressure. I totally slipped up in my wording & thought process.
The time when you no longer need to choose whether to donate or not is when you’re dead. While alive? No means no 100%
NTA and if you want them off your back get tested and tell the doc you don’t want to do it/not want to be a donor then they will say you aren’t a match even if you are.
NTA
She abandoned you to create a new life with a new husband and a new child. She has to live with the consequences of her choices. And you offered a very fair arrangement.
Nope, NTA. Your mom and stepdad abandoned you and you owe them nothing. You don’t know your stepbrother. Do whatever it is you can live with. That’s the only thing you need to worry about here. Good luck.
NTA. They wanted nothing to do with you until they tried to grab a body part to fix their golden child. I’d completely cut contact.
NTA. People like your mom are users. Block her and move on with your life.
Your mom and step dad. Specially your mom are assholes. But karma doesn’t forget an address.
NTA. You are supposed to donate an organ PLUS lose a scholarship? You are willing to donate. They should have insisted that they cover your lost scholarship as a freaking thank you for giving up a piece of your body! Don’t punish the sick kid, though. Tell the so-called adults that you will have no other choice than to start a Go Fund Me page that explains that you are giving up a scholarship to donate an organ to save a life, but that your family members are too stingy to replace the scholarship money you are sacrificing. Maybe they will be so worried about being outed as being completely ungrateful, that they will do the right thing. If you do start a Go Fund Me, please put that in a follow up here, because I will donate.
NTA – your compromise was fair. Donating would cost you a lot, maybe even your future. It’s clear your mother and dale don’t care about your interests at all – I’m glad your dad and grandma do. Wipe this horrid woman.
NTAH
You were abandoned for almost a decade and the first form of communication initiated by your egg donor was about wanting something from you for a child you never met/were replaced with.
There’s also a chance that you might not even be a match, she would either ghost you again or try to weasel her way back into your life if something happens to her kid and you’ll be her fallback plan.
NTA
You’re a child and they should not be putting this burden on you.
Uodateme
You can get tested & then tell the testers that you are being pressured to make this donation. THEY will shut it down & tell your mom you are not a match. Easy & everyone is off the hook.
But yes – you owe nothing to your mom & someone you have never met. Also, do not give away pieces or parts lightly. You do not know what you face in the future & you may need those parts.
NTA
She went on with her life without a thought to you. You go on with yours.
Telling a child’s parents – any parents – that you don’t give a shit if their kid dies is fucking cold. I’m struggling to come up with a scenario where that wouldn’t make you TA.
However, your mother and stepdad shouldn’t be pressuring you, so this is an ESH for me.
So, your mother effectively abandoned you for over a decade, child support notwithstanding, and has failed to have a relationship with you that entire time to the point you don’t even know your half-sibling. But she wants you to give up an organ and a chance at college for you biological, but in no way bonded with by her own choices, half-sibling.
NTA. At this rate, she was your egg donor. Like another said, your compromise was fail, but especially after them saying no and that you should do it unconditionally, there is no chance if they attempt to compromise later on that they would even follow through.
The easy way out:
When getting checked for eligibility, one of the things they should ask you is: “Are you being pressured or coerced to do this organ (or whatever) donation?”
Answer yes, and you won’t be eligible.
There are a lot of stories of organ donation gone wrong. You run a serious risk of permanent damage. There is another way. Google organ donor coercion. If you get tested, you should be able to tell the doctors that you don’t want to do it. The doctors then should just say that you aren’t a good match.
Whatever you decide, please put your health, physical and mental, first. NTA
This all seems a bit too unlikely, but no, NTA. You don’t owe anyone part of your body.
NTA.
Yta for saying that but ntah for anything else. You could have said “that’s none of my business.” And left it at that.
Your compromise was perfect, genius even. Your mom made it clear that she does not care about you. I can’t imagine how heartless she is.
Your compromise was more than you needed to do. Good for you for offering that. Their rejection of your offer speaks volumes as to their values. Good luck in college and in your sport.
NTA. Stepdad and mom clearly didn’t care enough about you to get you like they said they would and moved forward with a replacement. Now that the replacement is having issues, they need your spare parts without putting in the work.
They can eat shit.
So mom let a new guy come into her life who didn’t want to deal with the baggage of her first marriage (you), she agreed to it and started a new family. You move from being baggage to savior because you suddenly are valuable to their new family. Talk about a royal mind fuck your mom’s playing. She’s a failure of a mother at this point and she really doesn’t deserve your sympathy.
Tell the transplant team you are being coerced and don’t want to donate. They will inform your mom you are not a match.
NTA, it’s your body and you don’t have to donate anything to anybody. Plus chances are you aren’t a match, if you were full siblings then the chances would be higher. But if your mom isn’t a match, then I say not likely you are either.
Do not blow your scholarship. Your compromise was incredibly reasonable and protects your future. Your mom has no right to ask you to blow up your life and your goals. They can keep looking for matches. Even if she agreed to your terms, don’t do anything until you have the money and it’s yours alone. If your mom’s family gives you crap tell them to pay up.
NTA. You said the kid dying wouldn’t make a difference to you, which is literally true since you don’t even know them lol
NTA you owe them nothing. Why would you care about this child. Ridiculous guilt tripping
If they want you to jeopardize your full ride, they need to provide a solution to mitigate the threat to your future. You are NTA.
You’re not an asshole for not donating. Not only is that unfair to expect of you, but you offered a fair compromise.
However you are absolutely the asshole for what you said, and for continuing to double down on it. Not caring if a human dies is disgusting in general, but a little boy? What kind of heartless asshole do you have to be to say you do not care if a kid lives or dies?
If your Mom’s shitty family is giving you crap, there is no reason they can’t contribute to your college tuition. Say that EVERY TIME you hear from one of those garbage relatives.
So in other words, her younger child’s life is not worth the cost of tuition to her.
NTA. Feel free to point that out to her.
NTA
They made their decision not to involve you in their life to the point that you’ve never met this sibling. You owe them nothing.
Go get your education and start your career. Take care of you.
NTA
These people abandoned you and are only contacting you because they might be able to use you.
You gave them a fair deal to potentially save their child. They turned it down.
NTA. Think of it like this if the kid never got sick would she even reach out to you.
Get the testing, then have the doctor say you are not match., it happens all the time
Oh man, I absolutely get this. Sort of the same, real close. And idgaf about those siblings that she chose after and then after again. I wasn’t important enough then, they don’t need to be trying to make me feel guilty for looking out for number one. I’m making myself important. Their loss. And you shouldn’t feel like someone’s body part backup plan. IMO, you do YOU!
They can have a new baby and use it for parts.
NTA. If this story is true, what happened to your mother and her husband is karma at its finest. I feel sorry for the child, but you offered a solution that his selfish parents decided to reject. In case they change their minds in the future, consult a lawyer and draw up a contract obligating them to fulfill their end of the agreement.
NTA for many reasons. Absentee parents tried coercion. It did not work.
NTA, you don’t owe them anything. If you’re low confrontation though, and if you have the time, get tested. There’s a low chance that you’re a match anyway tbh, in my non-medical opinion…as you’re a half-sibling. Obviously there’s a chance…but you can have the medical professionals involved keep it a secret if you ARE a match, because they definitely don’t want someone (especially a minor) coerced into donating (basically saying, you can tell your mom and Dale you aren’t a match, even if you are). Offering to donate even though you wouldn’t be able to play, as long as they’d help you financially get your degree, was a great compromise. They’re honestly nasty people who disposed of you until they needed you. Please take care of yourself!!
NTA. You made a fair offer that you will help if they pay for your college. They have no right, having had no relationship with you for years, to expect you to sacrifice for their sake. If they won’t meet your terms, then it is they who are making the decision that their son–who is nothing to you as you have never even met him–will die.
Ignore their bleating. You offered on the condition that you would be made whole for making a sacrifice for a person who is a stranger to you. If they are unwilling to do that, then they are the ones who are condemning their son. Not you.
And if they do come back and accept your terms, get a lawyer to draw this up in a ironclad signed contract.
NTA but when you become 18, go no contact and don’t have any regrets
If they do come back around and agree to the compromise, get it LEGALLY recorded in WRITING that they will be giving you a full college tuition etc…
Maybe your grandma can help you find some legal help you can trust if it comes to that.
PROUD OF YOU!
NTA
NTA. She’s your mom but that kid isn’t your “sibling”. I mean… it’s sad but like, just like most other things, your body, your choice. I think your compromise was an excellent idea!
Good luck with school!
If they’re going to be transactional then so can you.
It’s a bit harsh with how you said it, but I stand by your decision to not donate any organs. They’re just using you and they don’t care about you at all.
NTA
She literally abandoned you and then immediately replaced you. Then she only contacted you because she needed something. Not only was she asking for a lot, but what she’s asking for will basically damage your future in a way that will impact you for a decade. Maybe even longer and she couldn’t even be bothered to help financially so it wasn’t a one sided exchange.
If they keep guilting you tell her that she might pretend to care but apparently her new son’s life isn’t worth -tuition asking amount- to her and that she’d rather let him die than make sure both her kids were taken care of.
NTA. You offered a fair option.
OK, the only thing which you know you probably should’ve said is that you hoped the child would pass that’s a little bit. It’s not the kids fault everything else you’re good and it’s actually pretty sad how people have become and from reading your story I think you should tell your mom that you owe her nothing for lying to you cause she they never planned on coming back to get you And I know this because I had a wife run out on me and she left me with a two year-old and a six-year-old after I’ve gotten in a car wreck and I had actually died, but when they move me, my sternum which was pressed up against my heart because it was ripped in half Not my heart, but my sternum was separated. I’m not gonna go into it, but it loud my heart to beat here we are yeah this kind of brought back some bad memories for me, but at the end of the day I have pity for the child but the mother yeah tell her to kick rocksI would
She’s trying to farm your body parts after abandoning you…. Wow. In no scenario are you the AH here.
NTA
Ypur mother is an entitled so n so, thinking you exist to be spare parts for her golden child….
Maybe a little asshole since that’s a harsh ass thing to say, but absolutely you don’t owe these people anything!
And if they need like a kidney, its absolutely going to make the whole entire rest of your life harder. And shorter. Feel free to ignore them.
NTA she replaced you.. with that kid if she can replace a living kid as mean as this sounds she can replace that kid if they die.
NTA, but if you don’t want to be the bad guy. You can go for the test and tell the doctor you are being coerced … the doctor will just tell your mom and stepdad that you aren’t a match.
Nope stuff them.
You’re good kid. Not the ahole. Im sorry about your sick brother. And maybe you should care if he dies, but you’re not an ahole for wanting to keep all your organs.
Honestly, all you have to do is ‘go to be tested’ and then tell the medical staff that you are being pressured and you don’t want to donate. The medical staff will then tell your mother that you are not a match.
NTA it’s like the mafia, you’re either with me or against me – she clearly doesn’t give a shit about you at all whatsoever, but the golden boy needs your organs, so you have to surrender your future!?
Tell her to go shove a cactus where the sun don’t shine!
Also: you don’t know how good you COULD become, a lot of people with a professional attitude who are serious and don’t drink or party, really kick on at or around age 18-20
you can go get tested and tell them that you do not want to donate and are being pressured, and they will tell your mother you are not a match.
It is very common for people to be pressured into donations, so they have a protocol for it. This way you can get them off your back.
I think you are doing the right thing.
good luck!
You could always get tested and tell the team your being harassed to donate and they will run the test but whether your a match or not they will tell your mom your not
Tell her to get in touch with you once she’s settled.
NTA
NTA.
They’re treating you like you’re on life support and they can harvest organs as needed. You aren’t a supply house for this child.
You could lose out on an excellent opportunity for a paid education. They aren’t willing to compromise for the sake of the child or for your sake.
Honestly, they can pound sand.
Another thing about donations. You can always go to get tested, but tell the person you don’t want to be a donar. They should say you will not match.
Congrats on your scholarship! I’m sure you worked very hard for it and you deserve it. You made them a generous offer and they refused. You should move forward with a clear conscience. I hope the child finds a match not at the expense of your future
NTAH. It’s your choice what you do with your body. Forget them, they obviously forgot about you.
NTA. I think you made a very fair compromise. She abandoned you. Chose a man over you. You’ve got a shot at college and now she wants to mess that up. Nope. Stand firm.
You donate if they pay. Get legal papers drawn up if you have to.
I don’t even know any of your family and im like “Fk this kid srry”
Go do sports stuff. Why does god let bad things happen to good people?
The answer is god doesn’t. Shit just happens and we make stuff up to explain it. You owe them nothing and you should not feel guilty.
Im not an atheist either. god just doesn’t think about our problems in the small way we do. And when god does gods like ‘wtf – why are my kids all assholes?’. You’re doomed either way. Kidney or guilt. Sry bro – just leave – buy a plane ticket to Hawaii and just become a beach hobo. Its the only way you might find peace. Its the only way any of us might find peace.
srry. gotta go. was typing while on hold with the travel agency.
NTA, I mean you could agree to get tested and at the facility inform the staff you don’t want to donate you’re being pressured. They’ll then inform the family you’re not eligible for whatever reason. Even if you were a match do you honestly believe they’d keep paying your school tuition once your half sibling had the surgery?
NTA. Let’s assume OP is a match. OP agrees to donate and his mom and Dale agree to pay OP’s tuition because OP’s scholarship will go away after the surgery impairs athletic ability. Does anyone believe that mom and Dale will actually cough up the tuition money once their son has the surgery? I would not trust them for a New York minute.
NTA and they are bold as fuck for asking that of you. It’s not your problem. Maybe if she made an effort to be a parent, you would actually know your sibling and want to help. The kid is a total stranger to you. That’s on her. They are being incredibly selfish, and then to think you’ll do it for free? Apparently it’s no that important to them then, because you made them an offer and they said no.
Please do not feel bad whatsoever for saying no. This is YOUR life, you only get one and you’ve barely even begun living it yet. This is a crazy thing for them to ask you, much less be mad that you say no?? “Let’s take spare body parts from the child I abandoned for the child I didn’t” Fuck that. Absolutely not.
Don’t be afraid to cut them off completely and go no contact. It may come to that, until they can get it through their thick ass heads that it’s totally unfair and inappropriate to expect this of you.
You were cruel to say you do not care if their son dies, but you are young, and I understand where you are coming from. Your offer was generous.
I would communicate with them again, explain that the only way to go to college is with the sports scholarship, and that you would lose it if you donate. Then tell them the offer is a fair one. You simply wish to be made whole for what you would give up to save their son. Take it or leave it. Then go get tested to see if this is even a possibility.
NTA you should not be pressured to give up a scholarship
If they continue to push and you do get tested you can 1000% tell the doc you’re being coerced so they will automatically advise you’re not a match
Yes, your words were harsh but they came after a lot of pain
NTA, just say no. Don’t even get tested. That’s just plain awful. Let the doctor know you are being coerced and they’ll end the process if you don’t want to confront them again.
So your mum abandoned you for 8 years and only comes crawling back to save her son from her new family??
You even offered to help and put your athletic career on the back burner and all they had to do was pay your tuition??
She couldn’t even do that, you are nicer than me I would have told her to fuck off before she even got the chance to ask for anything.
If your half brother does die tell her you will end up with no kids.
NTA.
NTA- they are. After all these years of you waiting, I’d have responded “Who
Dis”.
NTA. You went above and beyond, making an extremely generous offer to give up your sport to help someone you’ve never met.
It is your body, your decision. I’m sorry for that poor boy—it’s not his fault he got sick OR got asshole parents—but it is not your responsibility. You have worked hard for your scholarship and education and deserve to prioritize that.
NTA scholarships are incredibly valuable. I would do some research on Roe vs Wade and the violinist argument so you can back up your points because it sounds like you’re incredibly intelligent and further schooling is going to be incredibly beneficial for you.
Never in a million years would you be the AH here. I cannot even say how oddly proud I am of you, a complete stranger. I was never this level headed toward my POS parent after their divorce. Kudos to you for a very logical compromise, too. What’s fair is fair. In no way shape or form did this woman value you until her other kid needed something. How shameful.
Honestly, good for you. And congrats on the scholarship. Best of luck to you!
Updateme
NTA at all. You can also go in to “get tested” but tell the doctor you are being coerced and don’t wish to donate. They will just tell your mom that you weren’t a match.
I liked your compromise. Apparently the only thing that will unalive this unknown brother is that mo. And hubby don’t want to pay your tuition. They will have to live with that. Too bad mom forgot you at grammas house. If you knew your brother or had a relationship with him…..
You are NTA! And I’m impressed at your maturity and thoughts for your future at just 17! Your compromise was spot on! Very fair, reasonable, and honestly extremely logical.
You seem to be doing wonderfully, your Dad and Grandmother must be exceptional people!
Keep your focus on you and your future, this is the best time to be selfish! Good luck in all you do, and congrats on the scholarship!
It just occurred to me that one or both of them might be a match, but don’t want to compromise their own health and their own futures, so they’re trying to bully you into donating. Whatever the case, you’re NTA. It sounds like it was better that they didn’t come back for you. If you had lived with them and knew your half brother, you would feel obligated to donate.
NTA
There are a lot of organ donation programs that will accept an organ from a non-matching relative to give to someone else, and then bump the person in the family who needs it to be first in line for a match. Your mom and family are welcome to explore that option.
NTA that’s there problem and not yours !
NTA. OP, your mom is not only so shitty that she abandoned you, but ultra-shitty in that she also is willing to let her son die rather than be responsible for your college tuition. You gave them a reasonable offer, and they want what they want their way. She doesn’t get to put no effort in raising and then come around making demands – that’s not how this deal works.
NTA. You have no relationship and why would you take the chance of donating and risk anything for someone you never met?
If this is for bone marrow, you most likely are not a match because you’re a half sibling. My half brother needed a match and they wouldn’t bother testing me because we aren’t full siblings.
Just out of curiosity, do your mom’s family think she’s an asshole for abandoning her firstborn child? They don’t get a say in how you proceed.
Do what you feel is best for you and your future.
NTA.
Geeze, that’s heavy.
So, look – your decision to not donate is yours. I totally agree with it. People who only come around when they need something aren’t your people.
But I wouldn’t have said what you did…. In exactly that way. Write her, and say this:
“Mom, you abandoned me. You left me behind until you got settled, but you got so settled you had a kid, and never came back. I was no longer important to you, and I was never important to Dale. You never came back until you wanted me for spare parts!
“Spare parts for your son, who you say is my brother, but I mean so little to you, he’s never even met me. I’m not his brother – I’m a genetic match.
“You should be ashamed.”
Then stop replying to any of her attempts to contact you.
Edit: NTA
I don’t get how you are responsible for the life of a sibling that they haven’t even gotten around to introducing you to. She literally left you and doesn’t do any more than she has to in order for HER to stay out of jail and literally expects you to pay up to 100K in cash to go to school in order to save her literal replacement child for them? Nah. NTA. It would be different if they had been there for you and you had a relationship but you shouldn’t be punished for their incompetent parenting and relationships.
NTA but tell them you will get tested. When you go tell the doctor they are forcing you to get tested and you do not wish to donate. They will automatically say you are not a match.
NTA. Your mother won’t sacrifice a thing for you but expects you to give an organ to her golden child… nope.
While it is illegal for her to pay or compensate you for an organ, she can’t coerce you into donating. You don’t even know the kid. She didn’t care enough about you to make a place in her life for you enough to know him. She better keep calling UNOS.
They expect you to value the kid’s life more than they do? That’s jacked up.
In your corner.
NTA! You came up with a perfectly good compromise!
However you need to contact the scholarship people, your current team/school AND your college of choice that your mother has no right to cancel or suspend ANYTHING for you! She shouldn’t already have the ability to do that already considering her lack of involvement, but she might get desperate.
That way they can’t sabotage your future. Your mother is going to see the connection between scholarship and your donation. If the scholarship is withdrawn then by that logic you’d be free for the donation.
I would hope she would never consider it – but she hasn’t proven to be the good guy so far.
Just be safe and make sure that your school and scholarship can’t be messed with!!
NTA
However, go ahead and get tested and during the test, let them know (privately) that you’re being forced into this. Even if you were a match, they’d disqualify you and give your mother a valid reason why. This gets you off the hook, but hey you tried.
NTA
Updateme
NTA. That line, ‘it made no difference to me if her kid lived or died. That I didn’t give a shit.’ While brutal, it’s the cold, hard truth. You are completely justified in feeling that way. Your mother taught you what a conditional parent looks like, and now she’s facing the consequences of that lesson. Don’t feel bad.
Nta
NTA at all. This was a great solution to everyone’s problems. You have a very mature outlook on life. This child is a stranger to you, sacrificing everything is not your concern. Block and crack on my friend. Hope your life is great 😊
I’m so sorry your mother is an awful person and your stepfather is a piece of trash.
You can tell the doctors that you’ve been pressured into the testing/donation and you truly don’t feel comfortable with it. This will automatically rule you out.
You owe these people zero. Paying child support is the bare minimum.
NTA kiddo. Their son is a complete stranger to you, as are your mum and her husband basically too. Would you donate to a random on the street over something that will help secure a better future for you? No. So you shouldn’t be pressured to donate to a kid you have no connection too bar some DNA. Good luck in college and don’t doubt that you could someday go pro, I have seen kids who were in a similar position and they now play at the highest payed level in my country.
Your compromise is very mature. They are TAH.
You can get tested, but you can tell the transplant team that you are being forced to do so against your will.
Some legit transplant teams will say you’re not a match. They do not want to force someone to donate involuntarily.
If a donation center contacts you to get screened, tell them you’re being coerced and blackmailed to do it. You will be automatically disqualified and they will tell the parents that you didn’t fit the criteria.
YOU are not “letting” their kid die any more than they are, since they want to play the blame game. It goes both ways. They’re TA.
They’re also TA for another reason. She wrote you off and only wants you for an organ to save the child she actually wants. (What the actual FUCK.) So naturally of course she doesn’t give a fuck about doing a single thing that might benefit you, even though it’s a small ask for ruining your health, your dreams, your education. She could even agree to pay just to get your organs, then ghost you again.
PS donating will fuck up your health. Do you really want to be in your 40’s or 50’s (possibly sooner) finding out YOU need a donor and are nearing the end of your life, after years of compromised health and meds? NTA
You’re 17 years old and your mother doesn’t give a shit how this could affect your life.
NTA for not going to get tested without getting tuition reimbursement.
But to answer your question, you are the AH for saying you don’t care if their son dies. Being hurt by your mom is valid. Wanting compensation for a sacrifice you would have made is valid. But I think that you’re pretty close to wishing death on an innocent child. As a 17 year old, maybe it’s too much to expect you to be a little more empathetic or sympathetic.
You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. You don’t even have to care about the kid. But don’t you think you’re pushing your issues with mom and step-dad onto how you view their son? He is innocent in this🤷♀️
Even if you don’t care about the kid, throwing his possible death in his parents’ faces just to hurt them is an asshole move. Everything else? Valid. Don’t get tested if you don’t want to. If they wanted you to care more, they should’ve fostered a relationship, not abandoning you. But again, gentle yta for throwing his possible death in their faces.
The compromise was fair
You would be giving up a free ride to college…potentially stealing your entire future
Your mom…did.not.care
The sad reality is…your mom is not your family anymore
And she hasn’t been in a long long time
Hopefully they find an alternate donor source.
But just in case they don’t…I suggest you anonymize your social media and make sure they don’t have access to tag you in any posts
You can go get tested and they will ask you if you are doing it willingly and explain and they will say you are not a match.
Problem out of your hands. Yes he may die but they can then work on looking for other resources and the chance that a half sibling is a perfect match across all the parameters that need to match are practically zero. It is way more than just a blood type match.
Easy NTA, they view you as nothing more than a potential organ donor and are willing to sacrifice your future, it’s really sad and pathetic
Nah, f them. She lied to you about once they settled, she will come back for you. The biggest lied and hurtful thing to say. She’s only coming back because she needs you to save her new child. If her family wants to be AH, then cut contact with them, too. Better yet, ask them why your mother lied about coming back for you. If they can’t respond or give a good answer, then block them.
She abandoned you point blank, went off and had another kid, and started a new life without you. She only paid child support because she was legally obligated, and I guarantee if it wasn’t illegal to not pay, she wouldn’t have paid it. Now she’s guilt tripping you trying to get you to donate an ORGAN for a child you’ve never met, and won’t even pay your tuition in return. She sucks and I absolutely wouldn’t do it in your position. It’s not your responsibility. Also I’m not sure if it’s been mentioned yet, but if you’d rather avoid the drama, you can go to get tested and let the doctors know the situation and that you really don’t want to donate but are being pressured into doing so. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this right now when you should just be focusing on your schooling at the moment. I wish you the best, OP. Definitely NTA.
They’ll pay if you stick to your guns. Better get it written in stone as they’ll try to quit paying, though. Lawyer up front. They’ll file bankruptcy. Be careful on this. Seriously, look out for yourself. No good deed goes unpunished. That is life.
“She said my brother will die without me”. OP- I want to make sure you know that this is simply not true. You don’t even know if you are a match —. and they still can find another match. This is not on your shoulders!!
Hell no you’re NTA
In order to put your future on hold, you need to be able to cover your bases. I can appreciate where they think you should do it without something in return but they haven’t been doing anything for you without anything in return since they left. Just the fact that your mother went through a pregnancy and you’ve never met the child speaks volumes about how involved she is in your life.
Ok, here’s an actionable thing you can do. Go and get tested, in the interview part, explain that you’re being coerced and do not want to donate. That’s enough reason for them to deny it.
Good luck, kiddo.
This is a rare case where being an asshole is the best thing to do.
NTA
To get them off your back, agree to go get tested then tell the transplant team that you are being pressured and harassed about this situation. The medical team will simply tell your incubator that you are not a match, no reasons, just not a match.
NTA fuck the manipulation. Take the scholarship. Play D.I and never look back.
Have you met your mom since she moved away.
Go get tested, tell the doctor your being forced to by mom and step dad and the doctors should be able to tell them your not a match.
NTA. Even your compromise was valid
I thought you gave a good compromise.🤷♂️
Absolutely 100% NTA bc bodily autonomy and such.