Ever since I was a kid, I was forced to get a haircut by my Mom every 3 weeks. Sure, when I was a little kid, things were different and I didn’t mind much. But as I got older, I “grew” (har har har) to despise getting haircuts and the word “haircut” itself. No matter what kind of haircut I got, I just did not like it and would always get extremely upset over it. I did not want to go to school or outside in general, I just wanted to stay home until it grew back out. And I did not even need a haircut, my hair was just fine. Now if it was an afro then that’ll be a different story. But I just want to grow my hair out for once because I know I won’t have this hair forever. I don’t care about the new haircut trends or anything like that, I just want to style it as I please. So that leads me to today.
I’ve been living away from her for over a year now and now live with my older brother. (WORST MISTAKE EVERRRRRRRRRRR) My older brother banged on my door and told me to wake up and get dressed because Mom wants us to get a haircut. I decided that this was the day I tell her the truth about how I felt for the last decade. So I called her and told her this: “Mom, I’m gonna have to be honest with you. I’m tired of getting haircuts every 3 weeks. When I was a kid, sure, it was ok but now, I’m about to be 20 and just feel like I can make my own decisions now. I just want to grow it out and I’ll get one when I REALLY need it.” Then she said, “But you need a haircut to look presentable.” Then I replied with: “What about you? Why don’t you get a haircut then? You’re about to start a new job, don’t you wanna look presentable?” I regretted saying that so much now. My emotions got the best of me. She replied with “why are you speaking to me like that?” I apologized and replied with “Look, I know in your eyes, you still see me as a kid, but I’m old enough to make my own decisions and think for myself. So I do not need a haircut, I’m tired of being forced to get one every 3 weeks, and I’ll get one when I really need it.” She sounded defeated, like I somehow won an argument with her or something lol. She responded with “Ok. Thank you for letting me know son. You are about to be 20, and I’m sorry for forcing you to get a haircut when you didn’t like it. Deep down, I really want you to try out new hair styles that I think will look great on you, but I can’t force you, and if you don’t like them, then I apologize.” Her tone when speaking made me feel so bad, but at the same time, I was actually surprised that she gave in. I told her “Thank you Mom for understanding. Sorry if this was too sudden-” then she cut me off by saying “No, I’m sorry for having you hold back your pain for all these years. Thank you for finally being honest with me.” I replied with “You’re welcome.” Then I told her that I loved her and I’ll talk to her later, and I ended the call. On one hand, I’m SO relieved, but on the other, I just feel kind of bad for her. What are your thoughts on this?
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Ever since I was a kid, I was forced to get a haircut by my Mom every 3 weeks. Sure, when I was a little kid, things were different and I didn’t mind much. But as I got older, I “grew” (har har har) to despise getting haircuts and the word “haircut” itself. No matter what kind of haircut I got, I just did not like it and would always get extremely upset over it. I did not want to go to school or outside in general, I just wanted to stay home until it grew back out. And I did not even need a haircut, my hair was just fine. Now if it was an afro then that’ll be a different story. But I just want to grow my hair out for once because I know I won’t have this hair forever. I don’t care about the new haircut trends or anything like that, I just want to style it as I please. So that leads me to today.
I’ve been living away from her for over a year now and now live with my older brother. (WORST MISTAKE EVERRRRRRRRRRR) My older brother banged on my door and told me to wake up and get dressed because Mom wants us to get a haircut. I decided that this was the day I tell her the truth about how I felt for the last decade. So I called her and told her this: “Mom, I’m gonna have to be honest with you. I’m tired of getting haircuts every 3 weeks. When I was a kid, sure, it was ok but now, I’m about to be 20 and just feel like I can make my own decisions now. I just want to grow it out and I’ll get one when I REALLY need it.” “Then she said, “But you need a haircut to look presentable.” Then I replied with: “What about you? Why don’t you get a haircut then? You’re about to start a new job, don’t you wanna look presentable?” I regretted saying that so much now. My emotions got the best of me. She replied with “why are you speaking to me like that?” I apologized and replied with “Look, I know in your eyes, you still see me as a kid, but I’m old enough to make my own decisions and think for myself. So I do not need a haircut, I’m tired of being forced to get one every 3 weeks, and I’ll get one when I really need it.” She sounded defeated, like I somehow won an argument with her or something lol. She responded with “Ok. Thank you for letting me know son. You are about to be 20, and I’m sorry for forcing you to get a haircut when you didn’t like it. Deep down, I really want you to try out new hair styles that I think will look great on you, but I can’t force you, and if you don’t like them, then I apologize.” Her tone when speaking made me feel so bad, but at the same time, I was actually surprised that she gave in. I told her “Thank you Mom for understanding. Sorry if this was too sudden-” then she caught me off by saying “No, I’m sorry for having you hold back your pain for all these years. Thank you for finally being honest with me.” I replied with “You’re welcome.” Then I told her that I loved her and I’ll talk to her later, and I ended the call. On one hand, I’m SO relieved, but on the other, I just feel kind of bad for her. What are your thoughts on this?
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> 1: I told my Mom that I am tired of being forced to get haircuts when I’m about to turn 20. 2: I feel like I’m the asshole because I really should just do as she says because she’s my Mom
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nta should have told her sooner honestly
NTA. You are not her barbie doll. You are not there to dress up on her whim. You are a full human being who gets full control of your body– INCLUDING YOUR HAIR. You get to decide what to do with your hair. You get to decide how to express yourself. Especially now that you are full grown adult. Do not let her make you feel guilty over the fact that she was literally controlling your decisions over your own BODY. I’m very proud of you for standing up for yourself. You established a boundary and stuck to it. It takes time to get over that guilt, but you do not need to feel guilty at ALL. That was her issue, and it’s her problem to deal with, not yours.
NTA you are an adult. You said no. She tried a guilt trip. Sounds like there is more under the surface tbh
Oh honey, please grow up. Do not allow mommy to continue to run your life. You are an adult. Start distancing yourself from your family and learn to say the word no. It is your life, your body. Mom doesn’t get a say in it ever again.
NTA. Could you have phrased it differently to cushion the blow? Sure. But the whole idea of your mom forcing you to get haircuts every 3 weeks to look presentable is just weird.
As you pointed out, she probably still sees you as her little boy, so she’s having trouble letting go and adjusting to a world where she isn’t needed as much. But still, weird.
Call her more often or cultivate other aspects of your relationship if you really are concerned about her feelings. Otherwise, you’re fine. If she’s like my MIL with my husband, she’ll get so bored that she’ll call you for every little thing anyway.
“I found a coupon for $3 off at CVS. Did you want it? Ok, call me back, so I know if I should save it.” 🙄
NTA. You were honest and really polite. It seems like your mum wanted to give you a nice hairstyle for years without actually knowing your feelings. And I would say she even took it well.
NAH – some minor hurt feelings, but it sounds as though you both handled it pretty well.
You are an adult. At what stage did you think you can start saying no? Did she drag you there up to now? Sure half of these are made up
You are totally reasonable in wanting to decide how to style your appearance now that you’re an adult. Unfortunately, because you’ve been holding back frustration for so long, you didn’t handle it in the most kind and respectful way that you could’ve. And your mom’s response was exactly as it should be – to recognize that you’re an adult and setting a reasonable boundary. But now, since you were kind of a jerk in the WAY you handled this, and she responded in a mature and understanding way, you feel like an AH.
Not much to do about that now except to remember to speak to your mom in a loving and respectful way knowing that she will do the same now that you’re an adult.
If you are worried about it affecting your relationship going forward, you could talk to her. Tell her that while you know it was ok to set that boundary, that you feel badly about the way you spoke to her, apologize and thank her for treating you like an adult, and promise to work to treat her in the future like you are both adults who love and respect each other.
Great job! You handled it well.
NTA, but your mom seems like a lovely lady. I think she understands.
NTA. You could have turned it special towards the end though. I mean instead of a haircut every three weeks, you could have done something else with your mother every three weeks.
ESH
Your mom is TA because come one, what in the actual F is going on here?
And you are TA because why are you doing this to yourself? You’re an adult. I’m glad you finally found that spine of yours but come on.
You’re 20, you get to make decisions about your own body and hair. It sounds like your mom didn’t realize how much this was bothering you, and once you explained it respectfully, she listened
Nta, your mom needs to remember that umbilical cord was already cut and she needs to cut the imaginary one she’s holding on to. You can choose when you want to cut your own hair.
NAH
I’m glad you found common ground with Mom.
People really need to understand that the majority of parents are just trying to do what is best for their children.
There are outliers, but not every situation is bat shit.
NTA for not wanting the haircut. But are for what you said to her. You were just being mean about it. I get that you were frustrated but still. Apologize and try to reshape your relationship with her from little kid son to adult son. It’s a transition to be sure and won’t always be smooth so try to have some grace about it.
NAH. I think you handled this the best you could. It’s difficult to start putting yourself first when you have an overprotective parent. I don’t want to call mom an asshole either though – she acknowledged her mistake and apologized to you for it. I would maybe try and organize something else that you can do together to stay connected. She might be struggling with you growing up & gaining independence and this is her way of trying to stay connected with your childhood.
Nta. You’re old enough to let your hair grow if you want.
Shares a post so wholesome I don’t think it’s real and asks. if they’re TA.
NO.
NTA. She didn’t give in, she gave you a melodramatic guilt trip. “Pain all these years”, please. It’s totally normal for a grown man to decide when he gets a hair cut. If I were you I would re-examine your relationship with your mother because it sounds like when she doesn’t get her way she wants you to feel guilty about it. That is not normal.
A normal response would be “Oh, I didn’t realize!” or maybe even a “I’m a bit sad at the end of our tradition, but hope you enjoy having longer hair!”, not “Wooooow, didn’t realize having your hair cut was literally killing you, you look like shit without it, guess you never want to talk to me again and I’m a terrible mother, etc, etc”
Oh come off it. None of this is how actual people think, act, or speak.
Nta. She never answered why she doesn’t cut her own hair every 3 weeks.
Even though she apologized (and people are praising her for that), she said it in a way that made you feel sad. Are you sure she’s not emotionally manipulating you? I know people who act this “subdued hurt” when called out. It’s great for them because it makes you feel guilty and backtrack on what you said.