A bit of a backstory, my mom and husband have always butted heads. They’re both very dominant people, and both love to make decisions as the head of the household. We’ve had quite a few spats with my mom, so this isn’t new.
Today, my mother text me around 11am asking if my eldest child could go see my grandmother and great grandmother. My great grandmother is sick, so we’re trying to get as much time with her as possible. I spoke with my husband to confirm he was also okay with it, and he said yes if she could be back at 6pm so that when he gets home from work, (he leaves before they’re awake and gets home 2 hours before bedtime. He doesn’t get much time during the week with them) he can see her and spend time with her before her 8pm bedtime. I thought that was a fair compromise, given that there were now 5 hours before then, and my mother lives 5 minutes away, and my grandmother lives 15 minutes away. My mother, however, didn’t find this deal sufficient, and absolutely lost it. She has been texting me consistently, long books about how I’m allowing my husband to control me with our kids. (Mind you my mother is a single mother, and has been my entire life, so she’s never had to consult with anyone about her kids) She told me to “keep making it harder on her if I want to”, and she’s tired of asking to take my kid(s) with her and us saying no for no reason other than to say no. And she said “I’m allowed to get (daughter) and have visitations with her without a 6pm curfew for bed and dinner time!”
Am I the asshole? My mom sure is doing a great job of making me feel like it?
ETA: I was not asking my husband for “permission”, I was consulting my husband to inform him that I am okay with our daughter going and checking that he was as well. His request was she be back by 6pm so he can have a few hours with her before bedtime.
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YTA
Why are you letting your mommy fight for the position of head of household? Your mommy is NOT a member of your household. She is not a parent to your children.
You are acting like mommy is the priority in your life. Your priority should be being a good wife and being a good parent. You are so focused on being a good daughter that you aren’t doing great with the other 2.
NTA. Your mother is pissed because she wants to be the only one controlling you and your family. You and your husband are the ones who get to make decisions regarding your children, not your mother.
ETA: Your husband’s request that she be home by 6 was thoroughly reasonable. Your mother and the others still would have had hours to spend with her, and she would still get time with her dad in the evening. Your mother was being unreasonable, and while I can understand that losing a grandparent isn’t easy, this feels more like her wanting control and being angry because she was denied it.
the only correct response to that diatribe is “K” and then a block.
NTA As the dad if he want to spend time with his kid that is his right. The only compromise to make is maybe Dad picking the kid up so she doesn’t have to leave her mom if he is amenable
NTA. Confirming both parents are ok with plans is reasonable. Wanting to spend a couple hours with kiddo before bed is reasonable. If your husband was just giving an arbitrary time in order to assert more control over your mother I’d have an issue with it. But the timeline sounds like there is an actual reason behind it.
Do you ever wonder why you went from one control relationship to another?
Your great grandmother is ill and it’s more important for your husband to see her for a few hours before her bedtime? Can he not allow her a few hours extra with your daughter’s great grandmother who may not be around next month, next year, etc (I don’t know the circumstances of her illness). I think he is the AH here, notwithstanding his normal interactions with your mother, which no longer play into this circumstance. You yourself said you’re trying to get as much time with her as possible. How old is your daughter? How does she feel about spending more time with her ggrandmother? Your husband will wake next week and be able to spend time with your daughter. Will your great grandmother?
NTA you consulted your husband about a decision that both of you get to make as parents. The choice makes sense. Your mom has a problem not getting free reign or being able to make all the decisions that others have to follow. She will never learn if you back down. There is nothing you can say or do that will convince her to let you two have control over your lives.
NTA – It was an easy time to make it by and didn’t cause a hardship. It is nice to want to see your kids and have time after a work day. Your husband had a fair point.
I would say, I love you mom. I know this is a stressful time. That being true doesn’t change that they are our kids and we decide when our schedule allows you to visit with them. You need to accept that without name calling or derogatory complaining. Otherwise you will only be allowed access that is planned many days in advance. Your choice. Your recent response to our accommodation of your last minute requests is not going to be tolerated going forward.