Hi everyone
The thing is, that we are 3 siblings. I am the youngest.
My older siblings both earn well, but I earn significantly more than both of them. We all have two children each. My children are the youngest.
My mom has helped take care of all the children in the family, but of course she has been more helpful to my siblings, because she was younger and healthier, when my siblings’ children were small. Now she has poor health. I have chosen to support my mom financially, since my mom hasn’t been able to work for many years and doesn’t have any savings or pension. I have also bought her a house right in the center of our town, so she is close to shopping, the doctor and the hospital. She helps 1-3 times a month by having my oldest child stay overnight, so that we parents can get a little break. We always drop off my eldest in the evening and pick him up again early in the morning. sometimes my mother helps when my eldest is sick, so that my youngest baby doesn’t get infected.
My other siblings don’t help financially or practically at all. I help my mother with all the practical things like the internet, bills, letters, hospital visits etc.
The other day my mom discovered, that my siblings earn well and are much better off, than she had expected. She complained that they don’t help support her, since she has always looked after them and been a very big part of their children’s lives.
I mentioned that i also think it was bad of them not to help support my mother and that we should all help my mother both financially and practically – or just proportionally.
My mother got very angry with me, and said that I was selfish and greedy, because we are millionaires. We are not millionaires, but we earn well and don’t lack anything. We have also worked incredibly hard to get to the place in our lives, where money is no longer a concern. My mother said, that the money we give her, is just a “drop in the ocean” – it really isn’t. We work hard to also be able to support my mother and have of course opted out of holidays, cars and other things in order to be able to give my mother a house and money every month.
It’s as if my mother is allowed to complain about my siblings not helping her, but that I am not allowed to say anything, because then I would appear greedy and selfish. should I have just kept my mouth shut? Am I the asshole?
Is it fair that my siblings don’t help proportionally with supporting my mother even though I earn enough to support her on my own?
Sorry for spelling mistakes. english is not my first language
Comments
I don’t think you’re the asshole here. You voiced something that needed to be said. Just because you can afford to support her doesn’t mean the burden should fall solely on you. Your siblings should step up too.
You’re already doing way more than your share, both financially and practically. It’s not greedy to expect fairness. Your mom is misdirecting her frustration at you because you’re the one actually showing up
NTA Tell her you will now match your siblings’ support since she’s so ungrateful to you.
You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. If you didn’t help her she’d call you ungrateful. Now that you do help, she still accuses you of being selfish when you point out that your siblings should contribute too. You’re NTA.
NTA – your siblings should really be helping if they are able to.
Your mum is very lucky as it isn’t your responsibility to support her either.
It would be nice if she appreciated your help and acknowledged your support.
NTA. There is some weird golden child scapegoat dynamic happening in your family. It is unfortunate that you have become your mother’s retirement plan. It is definitely time for your siblings to stop and contribute.
Of course, they will want to maintain the status quo, and you don’t want to put your mother in the middle of it. Call a family meeting, start with a breakout of expenses, and determine what a fair share would be. You need to figure out a more long-term strategy as she gets older and is no longer able to take care of herself.
Is there a possibility your mom might have some cognitive issues going on?
NTA, as long as you keep giving she will expect it and so will the others. Cut it back, ask the others to pitch in more, and if necessary let something fail, the internet or tv service, or something small that won’t be a real problem for her that the others can mange. When help is asked as in your time, be busy, tell her to ask your siblings. If you don’t draw a line and stick to it and force the siblings to contribute more, things won’t change. You will be chastised and that is something you are going to have to accept to get your siblings to participate more. You could tell them you have x amount of money to contribute and that is all and then stick to it. You could start dividing things up three ways and only paying your third.
NTA- id cease support for a while and only resume with a fair plan between all of you.
Her attitude is extremely ungrateful and rude. She’s not too old to be corrected. Point out to her that you have gone without numerous times to support her .
I hope the house you bought your mum is in your name
NTA. Went through something similar. Mom lived with us in an attached home and it was awesome. The kids saw her everyday, she watched them at times, and we got to spend a lot of time together. Mom got sick and 2 older siblings did little to nothing to help or just visit Mom. Mom finally realized how selfish one was through the sib’s actions. She apologized to me for being a burden, and I told her she wasn’t; that she took care of me when I was little and now it was my turn to help her. As frustrating as the sibs’ behavior was, when Mom passed away I knew she knew my family loved her and was always there for her.
The support for your Mom should be divided equally among the children. It seems like all parties have the ability to contribute.
Nta, kids don’t need to support their parents. If your siblings choose not to that’s OK. You don’t need to help your mother as well. Kids are not a retirement plan.
> Is it fair that my siblings don’t help proportionally with supporting my mother even though I earn enough to support her on my own?
This is complicated largely because… it’s not a child’s job to support their parents.
Children do not “choose” to be born. Parents choose to have them. Raising a child does not indebt the child to the parent. Again, the parents are the one that decided to have kids.
You are NTA; but I don’t think its your siblings that are either.
> My mother said, that the money we give her, is just a “drop in the ocean” – it really isn’t.
If your mother reacts that way – can you see why your siblings might not be willing to sacrafice for her?
I would go visit your Mom alone. I would express my love and gratitude to her but then say “Mom, when you said these things it was very hurtful. We are trying very hard to make sure you have everything you need”. I agree with other posters that this is just misdirected anger that she realizes your siblings aren’t helping. I would also talk to my siblings and tell them your Mom has recently become aware of their lack of support and she’s very upset about it. Best of luck!
No one is obligated to help. What you do, you do because it’s your choice.
Tell her The Truth. She doesn’t understand.
Your mum is entitled and trying to live through her children. I can see why your siblings are putting up boundaries.
NTA – It could have been me writing this, except, we had to put Mom in a nursing facility, because, she struggles to walk. My sisters helped a bit in the beginning, mom was in hospital for about 5 months and it was touch and go a few times, so I think they really thought we are going to loose her. Then they forgot, we have to pay for everything, we do not have an extra room for her, my 1 sister started to help again, after a couple of months, thankfully, the other 1, not at all, but she always has a lot to say…
I went no contact with her, blocked her in everything possible, when my mom told me about how wonderful she is. I said fantastic, if she is so wonderful, next time, we don’t have money to pay your stuff, we had to borrow money a couple of times, to pay her housing, I will instead, buy a 1 way airplane ticket to her, you can stay with her, and we will see, how “good” she is. I know it sounds harsh, but she really does not give 1 cent, and financially is the most well of, than me and my other sister combined…
Wow, mom sounds very ungrateful. I’d cut back on the help, just for that. Talk to your siblings and suggest something they can afford to help with.
First, I think that your spelling is fine. Regarding your mom, helping her is a choice, not an obligation. If your siblings choose to be selfish, that’s on them.
NTA. Your mother is selfish for treating her children as her retirement plan. She chose to have children and spending money on them is part of the gig. You don’t owe her shit.
Nah I’d be withdrawing my ‘drop in the ocean’ if the recipient isn’t grateful they can whistle even if they were my mother.
I hate to sound awful but I hope the house is in your name so when she gone your sibling don’t get a share in your hard work. It should go back to you.
You are NTA.
Sounds like your mum is projecting on you her disappointment in her other children.
NTA
I think you should approach your siblings to start contributing.
NTA. She’s not entitled to your money or help, even if she is your mom! Tell her to ask your siblings to help & see how that goes. She’s being incredibly ungrateful, you need to pull back a little, help less & focus on your kids more! At least for a bit. She doesn’t see just how much you’re doing for her. Let her have that realization before you go back to doing so much for her. Otherwise you’re going to be resentful af. And your inheritance most likely won’t reflect all that you’ve done for her. And if you take a break from helping her, she can reach out to her other kids & have them step up!
NTA but I think she snapped at you because she feels safe enough doing it. I can think of other scenarios where people would snap at others when they could complain all they want bad about the person, for example, in this situation, a mother who doesn’t take care of her kids, and their grandma does.
I have experienced where they (the kids) could complain all they want about that mom but got mad if anyone else did.
I always took it as they are wounded in that area, need to complain, but because of the wounds, can’t take others complaining about the same exact thing. I always respected that wound once I realized it and just kept my mouth shut in front of them. I looked at it like they’re already very hurt and I don’t need to contribute to that hurt. Her wounds are there because your siblings are not stepping up. I think she realizes what you’re doing and that you’re the one that she feels safe with and can complain too.
I don’t come from a culture where kids take care of their parents financially however I do have a couple of friends who do. I really do respect that.
I do think you should have a meeting with your siblings with a plan that shows them how much you contribute and assign them some of the bills if they can contribute even if it’s just something simple like you pay the electric bill you pay the Internet bill. I wouldn’t tell your mom beforehand.
Good luck with whatever happens in the future between your mother and your siblings!
Perhaps it’s time to take that holiday and tell your mother and siblings that they need to pitch in for the month. You and your family deserve some time away.
NTA. You are an adult and have a right to your opinions, and to sharing them with your mother. She should also be made aware that you are not as wealthy as she thinks you are and that you are simply willing to be generous. The whole family is taking advantage of you.
You only have two choices. You support her or you don’t. It is time to have a talk about respect. She needs to give you some. Ask her where she would be if you stopped. Do it without anger. You also need to discuss this with your siblings. It is time they stepped up.
I know it’s frustrating. I went through the same thing. I just kept telling myself not to think about what my siblings do or don’t do. I will do what is right. My MIL lived with us for 6 years. She felt bad that her other son didn’t visit her or help. I told her, “He can keep his money. We win because we get to have her with us.” Same with my Mom. I did most of the caretaking. They are both gone now and I cherish every second I spent with them.
The only AH here is your mother because she is so ungrateful for your help. Your siblings aren’t obligated to pay for her because children aren’t obligated to give their parents money. You aren’t obligated either, and you can withdraw your support if it’s not appreciated.
NTA. Stop supporting her and let your siblings pick up the slack. She doesn’t get to use your resources and money then complain that you’re greedy while the others contribute NOTHING. She needs to learn the hard way, mother or not.
You are NTA. They need to step up and pull their weight and she needs to appreciate what you do for her. I would tell her you will do 1/3 of costs from now on.
NTA
As others have said, she is venting to you because you are there.
All I can add is make sure everything you provide for mom is in your name.
Her house, car, any bank accounts, anything “inheritable” are all yours.
Later when she passes away, there isn’t anything for the other siblings will inherit what they “invested” in her.
NTA. But I think you need to make your mother understand the support you give is not a drop in the ocean. You may need to kindly educate your mother on how much you actually spend supporting her and how much extra you have to work for that to happen.
It’s not about guilting her but she should appreciate the sacrifice you make. Her attitude towards you really bothers me on your behalf
Mom is the one that brought up the subject of your other siblings not helping. Why would it set her off if you simply agreed? Is she starting to suffer mental deterioration? If she is, you and your siblings are probably going to have to start thinking about more constant elder care which is a cost burden you should not have to bear on your own.
Probably worth convening a family meeting to discuss how you, as a group, will take care of Mom if and when she needs more constant care. No need to bring up how she helped them more than she helped you. Just how, collectively, you are going to deal with it. You might find out more about their financial situation than you currently know or they might realize that they need to either start or plan to start contributing.
Updateme
First, I do believe your mother is mis directing her frustration, and she may have felt embarrassed therefore became defensive. I think that you should speak to your siblings.
It sounds as if you made all these decisions on your own. Even picked a house that was a good idea for your mothers and your benefit, is it a good place for your siblings as well? There’s nothing wrong with that what you did, however, that may be playing a part. You can’t be bitter or expect anything from people if you’re not clearly letting them know what you would like them to help with and let them be part of the decision making.