Okay, so here’s the deal. I (23F) live with my husband (26M) in a small house we worked our asses off for. We’re not rich. We’re just starting out. But we’re proud of what we’ve built. It’s ours. Or… it was, until his mom started showing up every damn week. At first it was little things “You should paint this wall beige, not blue,” or “You really don’t need all these throw pillows.” Annoying, but whatever. I bit my tongue. I tried to keep the peace. I thought, maybe she’s just trying to help. But then it turned into full blown meltdowns every time we didn’t follow her “suggestions.” Like, no joke, she cried actual tears because we didn’t go to her church last Sunday. I’m not even religious. She knows that. But apparently, I’m being disrespectful for “pulling her son away from his values.” What values?? My husband hasn’t been to that church since he was 15! Last week was the final straw. She barged into our place with her own key my husband gave her without telling me, by the way, and started yelling about how we hadn’t invited her over for dinner in two weeks. Like… she was screaming. Said I’m “driving a wedge” in the family. That I’m trying to “control” her son.
And I snapped. I told her flat-out: “You don’t get to run our life just because you’re his mom. You had your own home. Your own marriage. This is ours. Let us live it.” She looked at me like I slapped her. Stormed out. And now? Now she’s playing victim. Telling everyone I humiliated her. Saying I’m ungrateful and disrespectful. My husband’s stuck in the middle, trying to keep the peace, but honestly? I feel alone in this. And kind of crazy. Like… what was I supposed to do? Just let her keep stomping all over our boundaries? Am I really the bad one here for saying something? So yeah. AITAH?
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>She barged into our place with her own key my husband gave her without telling me, by the way
You should be directing part of your ire towards your husband, who isn’t standing up to her, and is completely enabling her. He’s not “stuck in the middle.” He’s actively not standing up for you to his mom, and seems to be content letting you be the bad cop.
nah you’re not the problem, she’s just mad the control cord got cut. boundaries aren’t disrespectful, they’re basic. she had her turn running a house now it’s yours.
Husband is weak
NTA: You don’t just have a MIL problem. You have a husband problem. “Keeping the peace” means dealing with whoever is causing the conflict (particularly when that person is his relative) not just saying nothing while one party abuses the other party. He should be standing up for you, not just ignoring his mother’s behaviour.
She cried over throw pillows and church? Yeah, that’s emotional manipulation 101. You’re not crazy. You’re dealing with a pro level guilt tripper
NTA- but you and hubby need to have a serious talk. He needs to sac up and realize that he can love his mother while setting boundaries. Respect does not equal submission.
You have a husband problem. Not a MIL problem. He gave her a key to Your home without discussing it with you. Time to have a come to Jesus talk with him about whether he wants to be married to you or his mother. If hes going to choose you then he needs to get the key back and start implementing boundaries with his mom. No more comments on the house. Less frequent visits. Etc etc. You probably need couples therapy at this point. He needs to understand that if he doesn’t get his act together there will be Zero chance for a good relationship with his mother and minimal chance that your marriage will stay intact.
There is no middle in marriage. He chooses you or the likelihood of divorce is very high.
NTA – OP, your comment was 100% accurate. You need to help DH “shine up his spine” and you need to change those locks now. MIL doesn’t need a key!
NTA
As always with these scenarios, it’s the spouse who’s the real problem.
He’s not ‘stuck in the middle’. He’s choosing her.
He gave her the key. He didn’t defend you after her verbal attack. He’s not defending you against her lies. Therefore, he’s choosing to protect her reputation, he’s choosing to protect her.
Change the locks. Your husband needs to stand up for you, with you. If he can’t break away from mom’s tit then perhaps you need to rethink your future together. If this doesn’t get handled then it will always be a Lingering issue.
Change the locks! If that doesn’t work, change your husband‼️
NTA. Funny how “family” always means you bend, but never that she backs off.
Our children are not ours to keep. They are ours till about ~5 and then they start to belong to the world. She failed to let go. He failed to make her. He needs to set and hold the boundary and she needs to respect it or this marriage will fail.
This is a husband issue more than a MIL issue. She has no boundaries because he won’t set any. Gave her a key without clearing it with you first? Hell no. He needs to choose between being on mommy’s boob for the rest of his life or growing some balls and telling her to stop meddling and walking into your home like she owns it. Time to have a talk with hubby. Also, go check out r/JUSTNOMIL if you want to see how other people handle MIL like this. Good luck! I hope your husband can pull his head of his ass and see how badly she is overstepping.
You have a husband problem. Your husband must choose and if he doesn’t choose you over his mommy maybe he should go back to her and let you go to find a real man who isn’t a doormat.
NTA. Really, this reminds me of when my in-laws thought they could just redecorate our entire house! It was madness!
Your husband is only “stuck in the middle” if he sees your expectations and his mother’s demands as being equal.
He needs to get on your side, where it is obvious that his mother is out in left field with her expectations. Or he needs to go back to Mommy.
If he agrees with you in principle, he may need help untangling himself from his mother’s enmeshment. But if this isn’t dealt with now, you’ll spend the rest of your life playing second fiddle.
Why people think they should stick their noses in other peoples marriages, is beyond me. I had a wonderful mother-in law. She accepted me because her son loved me, and that was enough for her. She never interfered in our marriage. However, if we asked her opinion, she would give it in a loving non judgmental way. She is gone now, but her wisdom continues with my own daughter’s marriage. I don’t interfere. I don’t take sides, and give my opinion when asked. I had a great teacher on how to be a mother in law.
Not the AH – your mIL needs serious boundaries enforcing – and take away that key – if she won’t give it back change the locks! You don’t have to put up with this level of crazy in your own home. If husband doesn’t get on board with the boundaries then tell him he can go live with mommy for a bit – that should focus his mind!! The boundaries need to go down now for both of them, before you bring any future kids into this.
NTA
Your husband is NOT stuck in the middle. He needs to stand up to Mommy and enforce the boundaries that are necessary, AND support his wife.
YOU are his family now. She is his extended family. YOU come first in YOUR home.
He needs to stand up and take care of HIS mother.
NTA but I’d definitely get that key back!!! Actually, change the locks.
I’d take hubby’s key away for being so dang stupid for giving his mom one. What the hell was he thinking??? And yes, I’m sure she asked for a key.
NTA
Get that key back or change the locks asap, tell hubby that she doesn’t come inside unless she is invited otherwise this marriage will not survive its current toxicity.
You should feel safe inside your home, your husband needs to grow a spine, if she pushes it then tell her if and when you have children, she will not be a part of their lives
Your husband needs to make a decision to support you – that’s marriage. When problems arise from your MIL, the answer you should be able to provide is, “Thanks, I’ll discuss your suggestions with ___ (hubby/son)” Then, when your MIL has another comment, hubby says, “I appreciate your considerations, mom, and we’ve decided to take xyz approach on our home instead.” End of story. After standing united as a couple, MIL will get the hint she’s not getting anywhere and find someone else to bug.
Change the locks.
Two choices… 1. Hubby talks to his mommy and gets the key back. He insists that she is kind to you, and no more drop bys. 2. You return him to mommy.
NTA but don’t marry men until they are weaned.
Change the locks and tell hubby he’s not grown up enough to have his own key because he’s proven to be irresponsible with them.
NTA and change the locks pronto
Your husband isn’t in the middle. HE IS CHOOSING HIS MOM! He needs to be the one to tell her to stop. Instead he is letting g her abuse you. He’s the AH here.
Change the locks and tell him if he gives her a new one you are DONE with him.
So she complains, telling everyone what she wants. Is she staying away? This is the side effect you want. Tell your husband she can’t come back unless she’s respectful to you. Now it’s in his court. NTA.
Your husband isn’t stuck in the middle. He needs to make a decision — does he want a healthy, happy marriage with you, or with his mommy.
Your marriage will not last unless he sets boundaries with his mother.
change the locke
If hubby wants his Mom to have a key, he can live with her. He needs to confront his mother and the issues she’s causing. Your hubby is NOT stuck in the middle, he is choosing sides against you by allowing his mother to disrespect you and enabling it by giving her the key.
Instead he should be right there with you setting reasonable boundaries…or better yet, leading the way to making sure his Mom treats you with respect ALWAYS. If he agrees with his Mom that they should be invited for dinner more often, he needs to discuss that with you not wuss out and let MIL say it for him. If he agrees with you that MIL is overstepping and he hasn’t been to church in nearly a dozen years and isn’t starting now, he needs to tell her. Staying in the middle is the coward’s way out and he needs to stand up for what he wants. Hopefully that means standing up for you and your happiness and your relationship. If he doesn’t get it when you talk to him, see if a couples therapist can help him remember to have a backbone. Good luck!
Get the key back or change the locks. Then tell your husband to handle this situation. When he says nothing about the things his mother does, he is approving her behavior.
“Silence is complicity.”
Good for you, for standing up for yourself against that obnoxious, disrespectful control freak. Time for her to realize that YOU are Queen of your Castle, not her.
But your bigger problem is your husband. First, for giving her a key without telling you. And second for thinking he’s stuck in the middle. When he married you, he chose YOU, made vows to YOU. And vice versa. There is no middle. If he won’t accept that, send him back to mommy as he is clearly defective.
NTA
Is there an ethnic component to this family dynamic?
Doesnt have to be but know in some cultured sons are very much deferential to their mothers who carry lot of decision making power.
Keeping the peace is not letting someone else shatter your peace.
A husband cannot let his mom keep her peace while allowing her to destroy his wife’s peace.
If he does not care about her peace, he is not keeping the peace. He’s enabling her peace be stolen. So if her peace does not matter to him?
He does not deserve peace either. Not his mother.
NTA your husband being “in the middle” is a problem. He is with you, he isn’t your husband, that’s her husband and you might as well give him back and save yourself the trouble. He needs to set the boundaries with his mother or she will never listen and if he won’t do that you will never have a peaceful life. Sorry. The only peace being kept is his and his mothers, at the sacrifice of yours. Your husband’s priority should be you, not his mother. If that’s his priority he isn’t ready to be someone’s husband.
NTA. Your husband needs to grow a backbone and cut the umbilical cord already. His mother is obviously stressed because she is not dealing with empty nesting very well, and that is a HER problem that she needs to solve without trying to ruin her son’s marriage. She needs some therapy and maybe some hobbies and friends to fill her life and her home. Your husband needs to change the locks and NOT give her a key as she has proven untrustworthy with one. He needs to encourage her to see a therapist because this is a big change and she isn’t coping well and everyone needs help sometimes. And he needs to encourage her to fill her time with hobbies she likes, volunteering or taking an enrichment class is great for making friends and being social. He can’t be the center of her focus anymore because he needs to build a life of his own. She’ll still have a part in it but it will be a reasonable peripheral part as a parent of a grown child should be. If he doesn’t have the backbone to establish that, do not have children with him. He’s not grown up enough to be a father. He’s maybe not grown up enough to be a husband.
u/bot-sleuth-bot
NTA, Change the locks and make the one you give your husband as do not duplicate. MIL is overstepping because your husband is letting her.
What you said was appropriate. If your husband is working on it, let him have the time to sort it out. Really, it sounds like she is over mothering, which seeing your ages, has been a more common phenomenon of “helicopter” parents (in US). Passive resistance. When she makes an unhelpful suggestion, say nothing, keep a blank expression. She’ll get over it and so will the family.
NTA but don’t blame your MIL, she didn’t give herself a key.
How on EARTH could you have humiliated her, you were in your own home, not in front of other family or friends! Talk to your husband and tell him how you are feeling and that you expect to be supportive of YOU and Your feelings.
NTA. Your husband is the asshole. Forget his mom, focus on him. He needs to grow a spine and set boundaries. And unless and until he does so, you are not the asshole for doing it yourself.
Why don’t you go barge into her home, rearrange everything, scream at her and see what he does? Will he still “keep the peace”?
He’s a coward. He’s afraid of his mommy. I always say to send little boys back home to their mommies. Only marry grown men.
It is a definite husband problem.
First – It is a joint home. It belongs to both of you. He cannot make decisions about giving a key to someone without consulting you. Joint things mean 2 yes and 1 no.
Second – he is not “keeping the peace”. He is coping out. He should stand with the family he created. He is too scared of mommy to stand up to her. There is no middle. By refusing to back you, he shows his support for her.
NTAH
NTA but your husband isn’t in the middle. He chose a side the second he said “I do”. Tell him to manage his own mother otherwise you’ll continue to do it your way.
NTA – and as others have said, this is a husband problem, Sit down with him (and a marriage counselor) if needed. #1, he takes back the key; #2, you discuss the boundaries that the two of you are going to set; and #3, he not only agrees to enforce those boundaries, but he actually does it. The two of you may need to sit down with MIL to make this clear. So, if she randomly shows up, you ask her to leave because you have other plans (could be sitting down and reading a book). Boundaries could include how often she can visit (time length of visit etc.) how often you will have dinner with her, clear that you do not attend church, how often she can call, etc. If husband cannot get on board with him, let him know that if he is not home you will not let her in the house, and if he is home, you will leave the house.
You understand this is your husband’s fault right? Giving her a key without talking with you first and defending her behavior instead of setting boundaries. This is all on him. He’s picked who number one is… it’s mom. NTA BUT have you really sat down with him to lay all of this out on the table calmly? I would have a serious talk with him and book a trip with a couple
Friends so you both have time to think on how to move forward
the nerve, what person barges in (letting themselves in) asking about dinner, like she have been starving cause they haven’t invited her over for vittles, you need to record every conversation with this lady she is always gonna play the victim, unless she is contributing money to you household she has no right to tell you what to do, when to do and or how to do, your husband needs to get that KEY BACK! ASAP if should have been for emergencies only, but now she don’t deserve it at all!!! What she fail to realize what she eat,, don’t make you sH**!!!
Change the locks or get one of those chains that only allow the door to open a few inches.
NTA – he isn’t stuck in the middle, he’s being spineless.
She shouldn’t expect to get invited over every week unless that’s something both you and your spouse welcome.
You did nothing wring. Have your husband send out an email or family text addressing her comments, reminding everyone that they are only hearing her side and then state that neither of you will be addressing the situation in the future. Let them know how they treat him his wife will dictate the nature of their relationship with him and his family.
Get the locks changed and get those doorknobs that lock automatically when they close. Or get a locking storm door. Regardless, tighten up your house so she can’t get in on her own.
Change the locks first and seriously think about giving HIM a key.
If she is so into church, remind her of Matthew 19:5. A man will leave his father and mother and join with his wife to become one flesh. Remind your husband that is what he signed up for. Good luck
Your husband can choose to take himself out of the middle by choosing his own independence and adult life.
Honestly NTA for calling out your MIL’s entitled behavior… It’s like she thinks your home is still hers to control. I get why you snapped, who wouldn’t with a mom-in-law barging in uninvited, disrespecting boundaries and making demands? Still, going forward it’s key to communicate openly with your husband about setting those limits together as a united front, rather than him enabling her.
NTA. His “keeping the peace” means he’s known his whole life this is how she is. He’s been conditioned to placate her to keep the nonsense to a minimum. He gave her a key? More than likely she browbeat him into handing her a key. You’re the problem because you won’t play ball and allow her to run roughshod over you and your life. Tell your hubby things are changing and they’re changing now. Change the locks on your doors. Keep all communication w/her in text for now. Go LC w/her and bump it to NC if she still doesn’t get it. Your husband married a strong woman and while you don’t need to be outright disrespectful to her you dang sure don’t need to let her walk all over your boundaries. Boundaries exist for women like her.
She barged in and complained that you hadn’t fed her? Sounds like my cat…
Change your locks. She has copies of your key. Tell husband to stand up for you.
Honey, you are 23 and this is the rest of your life if hubby can’t find his balls. Best start looking at this realistically that you can either be miserable forever, hubs stands up to his mother and it stops, or you leave and live happily ever after.
Don’t let her control the narrative. Tell
anyone who contacts you about this EXACTLY same what she’s done and express you are concerned she’s having a breakdown.
Keep telling her it’s your place, not hers. Put your feet down if your no-back-bone husband don’t do it. When you go to her house, do the same to her and see how she likes it.
Oh love… I’m so sorry! Totally NTA! She deserved the rude-awakening (although I don’t think it was rude at all). Think you and your DH can come to an agreement on how to handle his mom? Because HE needs to get on the same page as you!
Change the locks and tell him his mother does not get a key or they will be changed again.
Also tell him to tell her to stop dictating what goes on in your home and with your marriage. This needs to happen with you present so there are no doubts.
Your husband isn’t stuck in the middle, he’s a spineless pushover who won’t stand up to mommy
Start walking around nude. She will stop barging in.