I swear, I don’t even know how I got here. One minute I’m just trying to be a mom, the next I’m being told not asked how to raise my own damn child. I live with my husband and our toddler in a small house in Georgia. It’s been tough, yeah, but we’re doing our best. Or at least we were… until his mom decided she’s the third parent. She’s always at our place. Like, always. And when she’s not here physically, she’s blowing up our phones with suggestions. Except they’re not suggestions. They’re orders dressed up in fake concern. “You need to stop picking him up when he cries or he’ll get spoiled.” “Let him cry it out. That’s how I raised mine.” “Why do you talk to him like that? He won’t understand baby talk.” Every. Single. Thing. I do, she’s got a problem with it. And here’s the thing: I’m 23. I get it. I’m young. But that doesn’t mean I’m stupid or incapable of raising my own kid. She’s acting like I’m some reckless teenager who doesn’t know which way is up. I read books. I talk to a pediatrician. I’m not just winging it. Last week was the final straw. My son had a tantrum after his nap because, duh, he’s two. I was calming him down, like I always do, with soft talking and cuddles. She storms in and literally grabs him from me. Says I’m “coddling” him and that “he needs discipline, not hugs.” I saw red. Like full blackout, shaking red. I didn’t scream, I didn’t yell. But I told her firmly that I’m his mom. Me.
Not her. And if she can’t respect how I choose to raise my own son, then she needs to back off. That I’m not just “some girl” who married her son I’m the mother of her grandchild. And that actually means something. She looked shocked, like I slapped her. My husband just stood there, frozen, like a deer in headlights. And now everyone’s acting like I overreacted. She hasn’t talked to me since. He says I could’ve “handled it better” and that I should apologize for how I said it, even if I “had a point.” I don’t even know anymore. I just feel exhausted. I’m tired of constantly defending myself. I didn’t marry into a dictatorship. I’m not a soldier in her weird parenting war. But still.. AITA?
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you’re not the ah. you’re the mom, not her. she crossed the line, and you stood up for yourself. your husband should’ve supported you. you don’t need to apologize for setting boundaries.
NTA. It’s fine to give advice to someone, but trying to meddle in someone else’s parenting is a whole different story.
Handled it better? Your husband is the one who could’ve handled it better. Does he seriously think his mom should treat you like that? Please make sure to tell him that he needs to be on your side.
NTA
NTA. The only thing worse than an overbearing MIL is a husband who thinks “neutral” means letting his mom steamroll you. He better pick sides, or at least let his mother know her boundaries.
So, she is not talking to you. That’s a step in the right direction, enjoy the silence.
As always, this is a husband problem. Your husband should not be standing there like a deer in headlights. He needs to stop being a coward and actually defend you.
You are NTA but your husband absolutely is for telling you should’ve handled it better. HE should’ve been the one who handled it, period.
She should only come by when your husband is home and can actively host her.
NTA and it’s completely your right to parent your child however you want, but it’s on you and your husband to set boundaries with your MIL, older generations often tend to act like that unless you draw a clear line and enforce your boundaries. You can’t expect everyone to be decent and understanding, and you can’t expect them to respect your boundaries. You’re the one who has to set those boundaries and when they’re broken you’re the one who has to enforce the consequences (by you I mean you and your husband). If you don’t do that then she will learn that she can keep breaking those boundaries and nothing of consequence happens.
I’m not sure if you communicated to her in the past that she shouldn’t get involved beyond X Y Z capacity but if you haven’t then the outburst could’ve come as a surprise to her. Either way it’s your (plural) right and your (plural) responsibility to ensure you and your husband are the only ones making decisions concerning your child.
Edit: spelling mistake
Just agree with her and then keep doing what you’re doing. Or go LC leading to NC if she persists. A not of grandparents have a had time not understanding that it’s not their child, and times are different, a lot of things parents did in the past isn’t done now.
You’re not the a**hole, you’re a mom protecting her child and her space. Setting boundaries doesn’t make you rude, it makes you responsible. If your husband won’t stand up with you, stand taller for yourself.
If he wanted it handled a better way, perhaps HE should have handled his mom. NTA but I have sincere concerns that your husband is. And MIL most definitely is.
Don’t back down or you will lose the coming war that Mom has declared.
Tell your husband if he will not control his Mom by defending you and protecting you from her inappropriate behavior, then he needs to accept your handling of these matters or allow you and your child to go no contact with his out-of-control mom. And I would move the Hell out of Dodge ASAP.
you’re NTA but your husband is for not backing you and not stepping in to handle his mom way before it got to this point. you’ve got a husband problem.
updateme!
NTA but you need to stop opening the door for her. Tell her you’re taking a long break from her until she can respect you.
Nta you handled it well. Your husband needs to apologize for failing you. He needs to step up and handle his mother. What she is doing is unacceptable. Also it looks like her parenting ways are outdated and bad. If she starts talking to you again and your husband doesnt deal with it tell her you are following your doctor’s and pediatricians advice and that if you want advice you will ask for it. Unsolicited advice will be met with removal from your home. You got this! Send your husband to this thread and we can set him straight!
Maybe you could have handled it better. Had you ever said anything to her before? Maybe she thought her advice was welcome? Regardless if you did or not, she should know better. No one wants a bunch of sanctimonious advice about the raising of their own child. Maybe you can start a conversation with her. Explain how you’ve felt. Having said all of that your MIL has been very, very wrong and she needs to get it together or she’s not going to like the repercussions. If she doesn’t get her act together I predict she eventually won’t even be welcome in your home anymore. Or it’ll be so unpleasant for her she’ll give up. Stand your ground but try and do it calmly. It gives you the upper hand if nothing else. And talk to your husband. He needs to be firmly on your side. No wishy washy allowed. If she sees the united front it may move things along in the right direction faster. NTA
Nta, I’d tell him, his lack of handling his mother at all
Is the real problem and you will not be apologising for reaching this point, because his lack of a backbone is why his mother is under the belief she has a right to be so overbearing, and you will not be putting up with this anymore, so he can either find a more tactful way of telling his mother to back off, or he’s accepting your way, his choice.
NTA – this is common with mother in laws. Mine, bless her heart, watched my daughter for me when I went back to work. For a few years, no charge, which I will forever be grateful for. This was from when my daughter was a few months old until she was 4. She was essentially raising my daughter as if she were her own, and it was really difficult to deal with. Father in law as well took his own liberties, giving her candy every day. And brother in law, who lived with them, would let her watch horror movies when she was that young even though I explicitly forbid it. MIL would feed my daughter every time she cried, because in her mind, she must be upset because she’s hungry. She wasn’t hungry, she was often fussing over something else. Now, my daughter is a teen, and binge eats when she’s upset. We’re working on it, and for the record my daughter is not obese and this is not over weight concerns, it’s just something that became evident over time, and an unhealthy way to deal with negative emotions. She also ate so much candy back then despite me telling them to stop with the candy, or at least only once a week, not EVERY DAY but they never listened, same with the horror movies, they just started telling her not to tell Mommy. For YEARS I could not get her out of my bed because, guess what? The scary movies made her extra afraid of sleeping alone. I wish I would have spoken up more back then, and I did plenty of times to no avail, though not enough, but I didn’t want to be confrontational and cause familial drama, or lose the benefit of childcare because childcare is wildly expensive and honestly, I couldn’t afford it. So instead she has these issues that she is struggling with because they thought they could override my parenting for their selfishness, and it sucks. Stick to your guns, you are the mother, you are the mama bear, let them hear you roar!
Don’t apologise. You did nothing wrong. Your response was a long time coming. You need firm boundaries with mil, because she sees herself as the only authority over your son, and will only get worse, unless consequences are given. Your husband needs to step up and correct his mother.
Helping, when asked is fine. Giving an opinion, when asked is also fine. Snatching your child from you is most certainly not. Dictating how you raise your child is not. By not confronting her and holding her accountable is just giving her the impression she holds all the power. She doesn’t.
NTA
Tell your husband you now understand why his mother thinks you are incapable, it’s because she knows that HE is, and is treating you the same.
HE needs to tell her that he agrees with every single word you said, or he can go back to being her dependent baby while you care for the one you made together.
NTA but what’s wrong with your husband? He should be putting these boundaries in place and telling her off when she breaks them, not you. You’re fine in what you said.
NTA. You and your husband need to set super clear boundaries going forward. No more uninvited drop ins. No stepping in when you’re parenting. No advice unless you ask etc. I can’t believe she came and grabbed your son off you. Like what the actual fuck.
Personally I think you were quite restrained. If she’d physically grabbed my child from me and manhandled him whilst he was already upset, I’d be manhandling her right out my freakin door and telling her to never set foot inside it again without the world’s biggest apology for overstepping, demeaning my role as the parent of my child, and being rough with him. Then I’d be manhandling my husband right out onto a couch to sleep every night until he also apologised for not having my back this whole time and being the one to step up and tell her to back off.
You’re not the AH. And your husband needs to find his spine.
I’d be more worried about your husband. He should have been standing up for you. And he should be 100 percent behind you now. He should be the one saying “maybe the method wasn’t ideal, but she’s 100 percent right. You have no right to grab the child away from her and no right to be constantly lecturing her about parenting”. Instead, it seems like he’s leaning on you to take responsibility for the fallout. Dudes who can’t stand up to their own mom… I don’t know how a woman can be attracted to that. Also…
Disciplining a 2YO is absurd and not at all effective. They don’t have the cognitive capacity to make the link between consequences and behavior. Unless you’re just trying to punish and start exercising the fear response, I guess.
NTA
Don’t apologise. Tell your husband to stop sucking on his mother’s tit and to start being a grown husband and father.
23 isn’t that young, btw.
Until really recently a lot of grown women were having their first kids in their early to mid 20’s.
Dude no you’re not there asshole. I’d have seen red too. You did just fine set the boundary, tell your husband that you’re not apologizing. And keep putting grandma in grandmas place.
Every time she makes one of stupid suggestions, tell her to say it to HER child . She has had her chance to be a mum. She needs to be in a time out. Each “suggestion “ is one week she doesn’t see your little one. You’ve got this mamma bear.
This was you handling it better.
How dare she pull your child from you. Ask your husband when he’s going to actually remind his mother of her place.
Your husband should tell his mom to back off…. That’s not your job. You are the mother, not her.
“If you can’t be a partner and back me up, what the hell are you here for? Go suckle your mum’s breasts if you’re so fucking happy being her little boy over being a fucking father. I am done dealing with her, and I sure as shit won’t take it from you. Decide who you are, a dad or a mummy’s boy”
I’m pretty pissed off at your husband honestly. Why wouldn’t he help you or defend you? Is he a mamas boy or something? Just because she birthed a kid god knows how long ago doesn’t make her the parenting bible. She needs to get a grip.
You don’t need to apologise for any thing. Your mother in law is the one who needs to apologise to you. And as for your husband… even if he didn’t agree with you he should of still had your back in front of his mother.
Absolutely not! You simply pointed out to a delusional woman who actually is the parent, and that she needs to stay in her lane and trust that you know your child best. Never apologise to someone who is unreasonable. She will just view your peace- making as your agreement that she is always right and that you are just an irresponsible child who needs to be told.
NTA girl, you got it right. Facts are real when you speak them out!
“Don’t pick him up, let him cry, don’t coddle, that’s how I raised mine” That’s why your husband can’t stand up for you!
NTA and whatever you do do not apologise or make it seem like you were in the wrong in anyway. She’ll take that as a green light to carry on the way she has been. Also your husband needs to grow a pair and stand up to her.
The thing is – you kept your cool. You didn’t explode and have a meltdown ( I would have). You told her in a very adult fashion, what’s what, and to kindly back off. You were not wrong. They cannot walk all over you, expecting obedience- what the heck!
NTA. And you need to have a talk with your husband about how he needs to handle his mom better.
Moment your hub does smtg look at her and say. My kid would never.
Honestly moment she took kid that she was about to what? Spank? Put in corner? She crossed line.
Does your home not have doors and locks?
NTA and don’t you dare apologise. Your husband is a problem here before she is. He has let his mother undermine you since the day your child was born. You need to tell him how disrespected and unsupported you feel by him not shutting his mother down and not having your back. YOU are your son’s mother, not her. She doesn’t get a say in anything. YOU are in charge.