Okay, so this might sound crazy, but hear me out. I’m a dad. I have two kids one’s four, the other’s just learning to walk. I’ve always tried to be a good husband and a good father. I do my part. I work. I’m home. I’m present. And I’ve never thought I’d be the type of guy to even care about something like names. But lately? It’s been driving me up the wall. So here’s what’s happening. My mother in law my wife’s mom has been pushing this weird agenda for months. She keeps insisting that my kids should have her last name. Not my wife’s maiden name, not even some double-barrel compromise. No. Her family’s last name. Like… her own surname. She says it’s “more dignified.” That it has “more weight in the community.” That it “honors their bloodline.” Whatever that means. At first, I thought she was joking. But nope she’s dead serious. She’s even gone behind our backs, talking to my wife in private. Dropping hints to the kids. I walked in once and heard her asking my daughter, “Wouldn’t you love to be called this instead? Sounds better, doesn’t it?” Like what? I’m right here! I’m their father. That’s my last name. My kids already have it on their birth certificates. And now someone’s trying to rewrite that like I don’t exist? So I said something. Finally.
I told her, flat-out, “Stop. This isn’t your call. They’re my children too, and they’ll keep my name. You need to back off.” She flipped. Said I was insecure. Controlling. That I was “blocking their legacy” or some crap. My wife didn’t say much just stood there awkwardly. I asked her later, and she just said, “It’s complicated.” What’s complicated? I’m their father. I’ve been in their lives since day one. I wake up early for daycare. I cook. I play. I lose sleep when they’re sick. I’ve earned being their dad. And now I’m being told my name doesn’t matter? I’m not trying to erase her side of the family. But she’s trying to erase me. I know names don’t define love. But this feels personal. It feels like she’s saying I’m not good enough. And it hurts. I just want peace. I want my kids to grow up knowing both sides of their family sure but not at the cost of pretending I don’t count. So yeah… I told her off. But now my wife’s cold with me. The in laws are gossiping. I feel like the enemy. All I wanted was to protect what little part of me gets passed on to my kids. Is that selfish? AITAH?
Comments
NTA, but you did make one mistake. You said, “They’re my children too.” You should have stopped at, “They’re my children.” There is no “too” in the mix. She’s grandma, not mom or dad. Not her call.
NTA. Your MIL is insane. The good news is they can’t change it without your permission, so just don’t give it.
NTA and in fact you need to turn the tables. Start laughing at how insane the MIL sounds and how awful that name would be. And if the name is so great why didn’t she give it to your wife?
NTA. If MIL wanted that family name continued, she should’ve given that surname to your wife and then instilled the importance of passing in on into her. She can’t now come along after — what — 35-40 years and try to change things, just because she wished matrilineal marriage was the cultural norm.
You need to cut this btch out of your family’s life or she’ll just wear your wife down, destroy your marriage, and rename your kids.
NTA. Grandma needs a time out and you need to talk to your wife. The only people with a say on the kids names are the parents and that decision has been made. She needs to shut that conversation down!!
NTA, good for you.
But just checking – you surname isn’t Hitler or bin Laden or Trump, is it?
NTA, tell your wife that this is absurd, they already have their names. And if she wanted the kids’ names to be your MIL’s surname she should have said something before they were born so you could discuss it.
Your wife grew up with the crazy, that’s why for her it’s complicated. She obviously needs some support and perhaps therapy to disengage from her mother and learn to speak up for herself and perhaps set boundaries. Usually, each partner deals with their own family, but if your wife is unable to deal with her Mom, you need to get her the tools to do so. You also need to talk out the entire thing with your wife. See how deep it goes.
I agree that the MIL’s proposal is pretty far out there and I wouldn’t even consider it as a reasonable thing to even throw out for discussion. I am also exceedingly concerned about her efforts at a work around by talking directly to your kids to undermine their parents. It reeks of “don’t tell Mommy and Daddy, it’s Grandma’s and your secret.” You need to teach your kids that they should never keep such secrets in an age appropriate way! Manipulating children in such ways is gross.
NTA. It sounds like mil doesn’t feel like you (your family) are good enough. Sadly, through her actions, your wife is agreeing. I think it’s time for you and your children to go low/no contact with the in-laws. Maybe you and your wife should see a marriage counselor or something.
NTA your mother in law is delulu.
The smarming up to your children about their last name is wildly inappropriate and your wife needs to back you up. ”Honors their bloodline”? Seriously?
Edited to correct autocorrect’s assumptions.
Updateme
Absolutely NTA. That’s such a bizarre overstep on her part. Your kids already have their name and their identity, it’s not her place to interfere with that.
NTA it doesn’t really matter what she says because in any state, you’re legally married, and you’re also one of the birth certificate, and both parents would have to sign a document and file it with the courts it has to be notarized and everything. They cannot do it without your permission. It doesn’t matter how much she complains, that’s the way the world works.Does your wife have her last name or does she have yours?
NTA. Tell MIL to have a son so that he can pass on her last name.
NTA. Updatebot, updateme
I would go as far as banning her from my home until she apologizes and learns to respect you and your children.
NTA. If it comes up again just say that your permission must be given to change their names. That permission will never be given, they will keep your name. Seems revisionist considering she didn’t even give her daughter that name.
Please don’t overlook that you also have a wife problem along with a MIL problem.
She is allowing this. Your wife isn’t telling her mother to back off. That’s a problem.
I don’t know how it’s so complicated, but if your children have a legacy on their maternal side, they will have it no matter what their last name is.
You are their father, and MIL isn’t their parent. She doesn’t get a vote.
Nta. Next time she said this. Look concern. Say Mil are you feeling ok. What you are saying sounds delusional. Should we go to a doctor’s?
NTA. Sounds like you have a wife problem if she stood there and said nothing in your defense. She needs to remind her mother that she has no say in what your kids are named.
Don’t do that. Sounds like she is planning something.
How much difficulties can you get when both you and your wife do not have the same name as your kids? Is she trying to make a play for them. Saying it are her kids because they have her last name.
Her legacy stopped as soon as she told her husband to name their kids (your wife) his last name. She should have put her foot down then, then it would be your wife’s maiden name but MIL threw her name away then.
When you said “not my wife’s maiden name” I assumed your wife took your name.
So does the MIL want you all to change to her name or just the kids? Cuz that would be super awkward and ridiculous for neither parent to share their kids name.
NTA
UpdateMe
Okay, this is a serious situation that needs to be seriously dealt with. First off, stop replying to your mother’s messages. Second get your wife and yourself into marriage counselling. She is going to need your help and some professional help to learn to deal effectively with a nutbar mother.
And you need to be firmer with your MIL.
The most important part is to make sure you and your wife are a united team against her nonsense. You are letting her push you around. Your MIL has no business talking to your four year old about this. If it were me, if four year old brings the subject again, I’d tell the child than granny is getting old and sometimes older people get some silly ideas and that the silly things granny says are best ignored.
You have a wife problem along with a MIL problem.
You better find away to protect their names from being changed behind your back. MIL sounds exactly like the type to try it.
nta
but please get your wife to explain what is really up, use also apps to write her, asking her het as much as possible in writing too, just in case, also freeze credit, get own bank account for savings,… as long as she is reacting in that strange way at least
Updateme
NTA
In your shoes, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with MIL having any contact with my children at all until she sincerely apologises and drops this ludicrous idea completely. Shame on your wife. She’s allowing her mother to do untold damage to your marriage and mess with her children’s vulnerable young minds. Is that the partner you want in life? I certainly wouldn’t.
Updateme
This is super weird. How would you be “erased” if your kids didn’t have your last name? And why do your kids only have “a little part” of you? Has their mother already been erased because neither of the kids has her last name?
NTA, you need to firmly and consistently shut this conversation down. Have a talk with your wife, is she not saying anything because MIL has been crazy her whole life or does she agree?
And next most important KIDS DO NOT HAVE SECRETS FROM MOM AND DAD. Your MIL is creating a potentially very dangerous situation where your kids may think it’s ok to not tell mom and dad because a family member said so. Unfortunately in our world predators are usually family, and the heartbreaking truth is kids need to learn boundaries with secret keeping etc.
NTA. Your MIL sounds like an egotistical nutcase. Why would her last name be so more important than yours? Is she pretending she’s some kind of Kennedy? Like GTFOH. And your wife is a problem for sure. Make her explain why it’s sooo complicated then. If she won’t explain it, then it’s just bs and she can’t use it. Nothing is too complicated to be explained.
There has got to be more to this one?? What has gone on that has prompted this? Like in your wifes family history. Cause that is utterly bizarre. Indeed.
Your wife should be shutting this down. Why is your wife not saying anything? Obviously something has gone on and perhaps you don’t even know??
This really is YOUR WIFE’S responsibility to shut her mother down.
This is NOT APPROPRIATE AT ALL. Yes…shut her down and I would even distance yourself and kids from her. I would NOT be allowing her to speak to my kids about it. I would kick her out of the house if she continues it.
You need to VERY FIRMLY put a stop to this. This should NOT even be a discussion point. They are your children and you are married. And you and your wife obviously agreed on your kids having your surname. END OF STORY
You need to tell all of them that the conversation is over. If it is discussed again by your in laws in your house you will ask them to leave until they stop.
Reach out to a lawyer to make sure nothing can be done behind your back.
Let everyone know that the last name is not changing.
NTA. Updateme
You need to forget talking to your MIL and figure out what’s up with your wife.
Updateme
YTA if names is Rockefeller,
NTA all others especially if Kennedy
other users can add onto last names list
Look, your MIL is nuts, but you desperately need to reread your own post and pay attention to how many times you casually appeal to traditional sexism.
Literally all your arguments about why the kids should have your last name are also arguments that they should have your wife’s last name, *unless* you think there’s something magical about you being a man that makes you more deserving of the kids having your last name.
You have more sexism and misogyny to unpack than you seem to realize, and you’re so blind to your own hypocrisy that you wrote all that out with zero self-awareness.
Also, if your MIL is like this to you, can you even imagine what it must have been like for your wife to deal with her all these years?
Did it occur to you that she might have residual issues/trauma from that level of crazy?
You show zero empathy for your wife here and just seem to focus on how she wasn’t doing enough to defend your honor.
Do better, my guy.
And stop letting your MIL be around the kids unsupervised.
NTA. Is your MIL some kind of royalty? This naming problem is now affecting your marriage. Your wife needs to be honest about this whole thing. Stand firm on this. MIL has no say in naming your children.
What culture is this? I have only heard of this in Japan when the wife’s family has no male heirs. But that is part of the agreements around the wedding itself, not as something done later.
UpdateMe
NTA. I might get it if it was about your wifes maiden name, but a third option? Nah. And I think your wife is just evading the problem. She should take a stand with you, you are parents together!
NTA at all. In fact, you’re the exact opposite of an asshole here.
This isn’t about a last name — it’s about identity, respect, and boundaries. Your MIL is actively undermining you as a father by trying to overwrite something deeply personal: the name your kids carry. It’s not about insecurity; it’s about standing up for the role you’ve played since day one.
You didn’t just sign a birth certificate; you signed up for midnight fevers, endless diaper changes, daycare drop-offs, and every tiny joy and heartbreak in between. You’ve earned that last name being passed on.
Your MIL’s behavior isn’t about legacy — it’s about control. She wants to stake a claim over your kids, and she’s using tradition or “dignity” as a smokescreen.
The fact that she went behind your back and tried to manipulate your kids directly is beyond disrespectful. That crosses every possible line.
Your wife’s “it’s complicated” is her conflict avoidance talking. But this isn’t complicated: it’s wrong. You’re their father. You matter. Your voice should be the loudest one in this decision.
You didn’t choose this fight. You were forced into it. And you handled it directly and calmly. Don’t let them gaslight you into believing you’re the problem when you’re simply protecting your bond with your kids.
Hold your ground. You’re absolutely right.
NTA – sounds like you need to go low contact with MIL and have serious discussion with your wife. Her lack of support is a problem.
You are NTA. I taught my little granddaughters cheers and bought them small pompons. Silly things like that”We’re the JacksonsThats our nameWe’re the JacksonsWe are proud to sayBoom Shak a lake laka*Boom Shak a laka laka”. Silly, I know but they loved it! So cute saying it and shaking pom poms. Five years later I still occasionally hear them tell each other “We are the Jacksons. Everybody knows that”
Make this fun!!!! I did this for fun times with them. You can use it to teach them who they are and irritate their delusional grandmother. ❤️❤️❤️
BTW No one can ever replace a good Daddy in their hearts. No one!
I’d start tell MIL that she needs to change her surname to mine as hers is associated with narcissism in the community.
NTA. Divorce your wife, she’s a toxic AH as much as her mother is
NAH. The answer is no, and if you ask again, you won’t be seeing me or the kids. If you want kids with your name, adopt them.
NTA. I would limit contact with your MIL and you have a wife problem. Your wife should be putting a stop to this. Your MIL sounds insane.
NTA. That woman is straight up insane. They’re your children and should have your last name. Period.
Wtf.. bloodlines.!!?. is she a Cullen from the Twilight series?
Kick the old crone out the curb if you live together. If not don’t let her near your kids till her behavior improves.
NTA
This is madness. I’m offended and exhausted on your behalf.
First and foremost -Your wife needs to support you here.
Your MIL is a snobby bully who clearly is overstepping and deranged. That’s simply not a reasonable ask.
YTA for polluting the internet with this fake agitprop.
Just to make sure I have the information correct.
You kids currently have your last name. Your wife either has your last name or the same last name as her father. And you MIL has either the last name of her husband or her father.
So of course of all the paternal names that could potentially acknowledge the maternal line MIL picks her own. Im guessing she has issues with your wife’s father?
There are compromises that could be proposed, and if you were dealing with a wife wanting her maternal line acknowledged in the child’s name I would suggest finding one. But this is the MIL’s crusade of crazy. She can shove it. Unfortunately you still have a wife that’s being too permissive with her mother’s crazy, so I see many a conversation about how to create boundaries in your future.
INFO: does your wife has your last name and did MIL remarry to have a different last name than your wifes maiden name?
My MIL tried this with my fiancé and I at our engagement party. She’s divorced and wanted us to take on her surname. Not even her maiden name… but a name she picked when she got divorced.
We don’t speak anymore
NTA
I could understand her agenda if you were an absent father. But you are not, so your wife needs to tell her mom to back off.
If the MIL was so invested in her name, she should have used it for her own children.
nta
Whenever I hear anyone talk about how important their bloodline is.. I just think that there was a whole lot of inbreeding going on within that family.
Take a moment and really think about male privilege before getting all bent out of shape that your wife doesn’t immediately run to defend you over the kids names. Society expects women to gladly and willingly give the human they’ve carried in their body for 9 months someone else’s last name. Like, without even a discussion. It’s presumed that the child will take the name of the father. Why? What’s fair about that? The woman does all the work and the man gets naming rights? Without even a discussion? I can certainly see a woman being all F that over naming rights. However, your MIL is openly putting you down and that’s wrong for your wife to tolerate. Comments about your family name not being as weighty in the community, even if true, which is debatable, are unkind. And going around your (combined- you and wife’s) parental authority by talking with the kids, that behavior has to stop. Now, if your wife is expecting an inheritance someday, that’s probably the “it’s complicated” issue. YTA if you yelled and said unkind things. However, to firmly tell her to stop making negative comments about your family name and reputation and to stop going directly to the kids about this or any other parenting decision, that’s fine. It’s not what you said, it’s how you said it.
Does your wife have your last name?
Could she be considering divorce?
This can be a contentious issue. Names are how we identify families. When I had my son, I wasn’t married to his dad or even in a relationship with him anymore. I gave my child my last name. His dad said he wasn’t paying support for a kid who didn’t carry his name. He learned that’s not how it works.
When I got married after that, my (now ex) really wanted me to change my name. I didn’t do it legally because that’s my son’s name.
Now, with new voting laws in the USA, you could accidentally disenfranchise your kids if their name doesn’t match their birth certificates. It’s inconvenient at best.
So your wife wants her own children to have a different name from herself?
Is she planning on divorcing you? And laying the groundwork to show you’re not present in your children’s lives?
I can’t think of any reason a married couple would want their own young children to have a different name from them. It’s so weird.
First of all get an appointment with a lawyer to see what your legal rights are around your children and your assets etc because if things go south you need to be armed with that information.
Secondly take your MIL off any pick ups and emergency contacts with any schools and child care places. You KNOW she’s already on them.
Check your wife’s ID for HER legal name. It is possible she’s changed her name too.
Then book a therapist to talk this out with your wife and what your boundaries are! Keep to your boundaries.
If you haven’t get background checks on her and any partner she has
This grandma is being creepy and weird and probably has some sort of plan, so be prepared, if you
OP, the key to all this is in your wife’s statement of ‘It’s complicated’. You need to get to the bottom of this by having a conversation with her without a hint of anger or reactivity – the truth is the prize here. Because my guess is that the reason ‘it’s complicated’ is something along the lines of nanna promising a hefty inheritance – but with strings attached. Not saying you have to go along with any of it, but it may indicate why your wife feels conflicted if she’s trying to navigate between her mother’s unreasonable demands while also working to ensure your kids don’t potentially lose out on an inheritance or college fund.
NTA, but your answer almost certainly lies in direct empathic communication with your wife and life partner instead of Reddit.
You have a wife problem. Her mother seems to overstep regularly it seems. NTA
You have a wife problem too here. They are at an age where this can become confusing. It is totally inappropriate in the first place but even more so that she’s saying this to your kids.
nta. this is non-negotiable with your wife. everyone else can suck @##.
not only would i have told her to kick rocks on a busy street, she would not be allowed any further contact with your children. hill to die on. protect them. this is abusive and manipulative.
iono how you get through to your wife. it’s going to be tough. you may need family therapy. i hope you find solutions.
NTA. Be careful; it sounds like they’re (wife/MIL) are laying the groundwork to raising the children by themselves, without you. New identity, new legacy. You need to nip this in the bud, straight away. Go into counseling with your wife. I’d say that your MIL was always controlling and manipulative with your wife, and your wife doesn’t know how to stand up for herself.
NTA. Very weird sitch. Can’t say I’ve heard this one before.
I wanna know what the bloodline is though that she wants to preserve? Like. Are they secret royalty or something?
I’m a non-confrontational person, always trying to calm things down, which can come at the expense of actually facing the problem. Maybe your wife is the same — if her mother has always been like this, she probably is. So I do understand her impulse to say “it’s complicated, everyone has a good point, let’s all calm down” — BUT. She is wrong. You need to talk to your wife, because she needs to 1. Tell you what, if anything, is so complicated — is she just trying to smooth it over or do you have a whole other thing to work out because she partially agrees with her mother? And 2. She needs to be supporting you. Her mother is treating you badly, and she should be stepping up to block that.
This is so weird! If my husband and I have kids, they will have his last name, because that’s how it should be. I had my father’s name till I married. Your MIL is a freaky weirdo. She may try brainwashing your kids against you. NTA.
I’ve said it before I’ll say it again. It’s time to weaponise WHY!
To MIL: Why does it sound better? Why are they missing out on their ‘legacy’?
To Wife: Why is it complicated?
When you stop dancing about and flat out ask for an explanation in the bluntest way possible, it short circuits this shit. They can’t manipulate or deflect when you drop the truth bomb. They’ll squirm like a worm on a hook, but hold your ground and you’ll get your answer.
Of course NTAH
So, your MIL wants you and your wife to be “the Smiths” and your children “the Jones”? Absolute nonsense!
MIL had children already, she gave them the surname she and her husband decided. If she’s sooo into her surname, she must address her insistence to her children
I also want to know what’s complicated? Children all around the world have their father’s surnames. Children form single mothers have her surname…no, not grandma surname
I think you have to grow a backbone, because these are YOUR children, not your MILs.
A more “dignified” name? So your surname is “trash can” or something?
“Honor the bloodline”? So you bloodline doesn’t deserve honor?
It has “more weight in the community.”? OK, tell her you all are moving to a different state
Why does your wife have a different last name than the mother-in-law? If the MIL is so worried about legacy (and your wife is likely worried, too since she won’t speak up against MIL) why doesn’t she insist your wife change her last name? (There are plenty of wives who keep their maiden name, but of course here your wife’s maiden name was already different prior to marrying you.) MIL has no rights to dictate name change. You need to move away from MIL’s vicinity to escape her constant barrages to the children. Either do something to protect the children like cut off MIL from visits, move, etc. or risks having children with issues, especially since you don’t know what else MIL is telling the children when you are absent.
OP. You need to ask your wife why it is complicated. Ask her why she isn’t stopping her mother alienating the children from you. If she doesn’t give you a reasonable answer then tell her that you do not think the children are safe with her mother due to her clear mental instability, even if your wife is there, and that you think her mother should not be allowed near them. Tell your wife you won’t complain about her seeing her mother but not in your house and not with the kids. Then take legal advice as to how you can get a court order to keep her away.
Her mothers behaviour is not normal.
NTA……DO NOT BACK DOWN. In a few years when your kids are older this probably won’t even be brought up again. UNLESS your MIL truly is a psycho. If that is the case, you will have already stopped letting her see your kids anyway. My kids are adults, but I did go through some crap with their father’s side grandparents. Stick to your guns, do not give in and in time MIL won’t be so opinionated (HOPEFULLY). When the grand babies grow up a little, the in laws aren’t so freakin NUTSO about every little thing about them. 🤞🤞
Definitely NTA…… Unless your last name is something that rhymes with Lunt, Mussy, Pluck, Shyte, or Baguette, sorry just trying to bring some levity to the situation….. but the MIL definitely needs to back the fuck off and STFU. Good luck!
What’s your wife hiding. Why is it complicated and why won’t she tell her mum to shut up
Your wife needs to do the wife part and back you up or tell her she doesn’t get any input to important family matters anymore because you find her lack of support disturbing and lack of emotional maturity concerning to make tough calls.
NTA Are you by any chance non-white, as opposed to your wife’s family? I‘m getting racism vibes from your MIL…
Ask your wife why she thinks it’s complicated.
There’s nothing complicated about it.
Her mother is being toxic, going behind both your backs, and pushing her weird agenda on your kids.
If she wanted her name to be carried on, she should have not taken her husband’s name, and kept trying for a boy, if your wife does not have a brother, AND given her son her name, instead of her husband’s.
That’s a lot of ways she has already made the choice that her last name stops with her, in her branch of her family tree.
You’re not willing to give up your children’s last name, so their grandmother can push her regret over
A) taking her husband’s name
B) not giving her children her last name
C) not having a son
on to your children.
If she wants her name carried on, perhaps she can adopt a boy, still. She should focus her energy on that, instead of meddling in your family.
NTA
And this is a totally valid reason to take a break from her, and not letting her see your kids for a while.
Your wife needs to be 100% on your side in this.
Marriage counseling if necessary. And it does sound necessary.
You have a wife problem, bud. She needs to grow a spine and stand up for you and your kids. And her mother needs to be banned from your house (and probably your kid’s lives) til she can learn to stfu and respect you. If she’s this adamant about something so trivial that has nothing to do with her, it’s gonna be worse later with other stuffm
Your wife’s a fucking disaster mate. She needs to grow a spine. NTA
Nta but everyone telling you to block mil seeing won’t happen. Reason of it not happening is your wife will go behind your back
Sounds like a great time for a cross-country move. Holy shit, that bat is rabid.
This is some good creative writing!
NTA. Get a pet rock. Put MIL’s preferred last name on it and proudly display it outside. Tell her the kids will inherit it when they’re of age and it will be passed down to every following generation so the name lives on. She wants something that carries weight? Boom. The family rock. Rocks never die.
NTA
If she is concerned about bloodline she should have had more sons. Perhaps suggesting that she should adopt. 😉
Remind her that there’s no guarantee that they’ll stay in that community forever, I mean if they only deem people with a certain last name as important then it’s not the community in which you want to raise your kids.🤔
As for your wife, it’s not complicated. Ask her why she didn’t she change her name to her mother’s last name. Dig into why she thinks it’s complicated.
You know, you could make a petty compromise (since your MIL is focused on the kids)…tell her you will change your last name so she can have a son to carry on the last name…and introduce yourself as her son. Unless you think she will love the idea. But chances are she won’t. 🤣
I’m curious what your last name is because I’ve never heard of such madness. Even my ex wife, who is a b on w had the kids keep my last name after the divorce.
This is a wife issue. She needs to shut this shit down. It’s not complicated. If she wants to start paperwork she can, but this is your final decision and you don’t want to hear about it again.
Your wife is TA along with her mother.
This name business is only complicated for two reasons:
This is going to continue to be complicated if your wife remains as terrible as her mother.
u/bot-sleuth-bot
Your wife is TA along with her mother.
This name business is only complicated for two reasons:
This is going to continue to be complicated if your wife remains as terrible as her mother.
INFO: What did your wife mean by “it’s complicated”?
The way you describe her reaction to her mom/your MIL and this whole thing is…strange. Do you know why your wife said that or what she’s referring to? If you find out, that may be how you pull this noxious weed out of your garden by the roots.
And by garden I mean your home and family, by noxious weed I mean your MIL. NTA, anyway.
Sir, you have a wife problem. This is her mother. She needs to step in and shut it down.
If she isn’t willing to do that about this, what else is she going to let her mother run slipshod over?
You have to fix the wife problem, or this is going to get a lot worse.
NTA. Your kids’ names have been decided, and granny doesn’t get a vote.
Why didn’t your MIL get her own kids to take her last name when they were young? She is being ridiculous.
You also have a wife problem, which i think is more serious than your MIL problems. Your wife has to support you on this, otherwise you will have your MIL trying to make every single decision for you. NTA
NTA, but your wife is weak, and she doesn’t have your back. I would watch her carefully and give her the cold shoulder cause her audacity to be md at you is ridiculous 🙄.
Being totally honest here, this feels like it’s about more than just the name (even though that’s definitely a big deal). You and your wife seem disconnected. Her answer was “it’s complicated….” your response didn’t open the door for the conversation. It would appear she’s being shut down on both ends. By her overbearing mother, and then by you. You and your wife are not a united front. That’s not her mom’s fault. You see how this woman, the mother of your children was raised, if she can’t even speak up. So somewhere in there YOU AND HER have gotten lost in translation. That’s the real issue. The real issue is you don’t feel respected by your wife, but judging by all you have just explained your wife doesn’t feel emotionally safe with you.
Get counseling. Become a team. Go get yur wife bro.
I read a story in a magazine once, back when people were first starting to give their kids both parents last names with a hyphen. Something happened and the kid ended up in the hospital. Because the child had a different name than either of the parents, they were kept from visiting or finding anything out. It was eventually straightened out but it was a big hassle.
When she says it’s complicated, is she just talking about her mother’s entitlement and insanity? Is she promising to leave the kids money, but only if you go along with her demands? That might be tempting if she’s promising them a significant amount. But I can practically guarantee, this won’t be the last of her demands. She will want them to spend school vacations with her, decide what school they attend, she could try to keep you from ever moving away from her. If her money comes with conditions it will be more trouble than it’s worth. That’s not about love, only control. If she wanted to leave them an inheritance because she loved them, it wouldn’t matter what their last name was. She sounds like a nightmare, she shouldn’t be putting ideas into your kids heads. She probably shouldn’t be allowed to watch them alone if that’s the kind of thing she’s telling them
That “it’s complicated” makes me think her last name is probably going to die with her because the rest of her family didn’t have male offsprings that could pass it on, so now she’s starting to fall into delusions
i grew up with a bunch of people from “THE” FORBES family……..and quite a few don’t carry the Forbes name but are Forbes and carry on the legacy…….
ya MIL is a wacko………..put her in her place………they are your kids, your heirs, your name…………… and who cares what the rest of her family thinks……….
NTA. You have a wife problem.
Is your wife’s mother a Kennedy or something? Her behavior still would not be okay. But atleast it wouldn’t be batshit crazy if it actually was a significant name.
Does your wife share your surname? Why doesn’t she have her mother’s surname, if it is so important to your MIL? Tell your MIL to get bent and GTFO your home until she stops with her BS.
Where are they from?
Born in America?
There is no way that the moment you have a problem with your wife, you will see what happens with your children.
Your wife and her have already had this conversation. Your mother in law tried to bully your wife into this most likely. Wife doesn’t feel strong enough to stand up to your mother in law but likely told her to stop but MIL isn’t listening and decided to harass you about it and bring it up to the children hoping to guilt you into it via the kids. Just my theory. You have to get firm and say its not happening and stick to that. I assume its the same in your country but in my country you can’t legally change a child’s name without both parents consent anyway.