I (26F) had a pretty rough childhood. My parents were physically present but emotionally absent no support, affection, or real interest in my life. They prioritized my brother in everything: money, time, attention. I was basically left to figure everything out on my own.
Now they’re starting to talk about “family duty” and how it’s expected that I’ll help them when they’re older. I told them flat-out that I don’t feel obligated to care for people who didn’t care for me.
They’re calling me ungrateful and cold. My brother says I’m being cruel.
AITAH?
AITAH for telling my parents I won’t take care of them when they’re older because they were never there for me growing up?
r/AITAH
Comments
NTA. “Family duty” is a two-way street. They can’t neglect you your entire life and suddenly expect loyalty and care. That’s not family that’s entitlement.
No not the AH you don’t owe them anything
You didn’t ask to be born. They chose to be parents. The bare minimum was to love and support you. You owe them nothing now. NTA all the way.
Honestly, if they wanted a retirement plan, they should’ve invested in one not assumed their neglected child would become it. Actions have consequences. NTA.
NTA. Why isn’t your brother stepping up?
Then your brother should take the duty but you should not completely leave it to him because they are in your life all the time. Otherwise cut the contact if you don’t have connection with them
Your brother can be there for them, cash in their investment from him.
Classic case of “we mistreated you, but now we’re older and need help so suddenly we remember you exist.” NTA. Protect your peace
NTA
Fuck Around & Find Out, they did and have!
Your brother’s only upset because he knows the full weight might fall on him now. Maybe he should be mad at your parents, not you.
NTA your brother can look after them.
I’m not helping my parents, they were not there for me growing up.
This sounds like a cultural issue. Are your parents Chinese or Indian or something?
Since the brother’s the golden child he can take care of his devoted parents.
Yes. YTA. Unless your parents were full on hateful, abusive and rotten to the core, you holding a grudge makes you the smaller person.
They’re calling you ungrateful… Ungrateful for what, ignoring you?
You don’t owe anyone anything.
NTA. Regardless of how they treated you, this isn’t the 1900s, no-one should be expecting their kids to look after them in their old age. It’s the 21st century and we should be raising our kids to be fully independent of us and ready to live their best lives, which doesn’t include looking after someone who’s old enough to have planned better.
NTA.
I was also in your shoes growing up. My mom favoured my older brother when we were growing up. He was the golden child, and I was the mistake and a constant reminder of her regrets.
I’m now NC with her.
They had a duty of being there for you. They weren’t. You don’t have a duty of being there for them in their later life.
Instead of going to their male golden child, they are expecting you to be their carers just because you’re their daughter.
NTA. “Family Duty” begins in the womb: your parents conceived and gave birth to you, but then their priorities shifted to your brother. They’re calling you EXACTLY what they are:cold. You aren’t ungrateful. You have had to survive by your wits and learned to support yourself.
You will choose the worst worn-out retirement house you can find and never visit them.
To be grateful, you must first receive something good.
NTA
Let the golden child they catered to fulfill these “family duties.”
imagine u adopted a dog, neglected it, and expected it to cuddle u afterwards. if ur brother was good to u, I recommend contributing a bit so the burden isn’t completely on him.
NTA- when planning a future you need to create the everlasting bonds of family. You can’t expect a person to help you when you age if you never spent the time creating a caring relationship. You’re not ungrateful or selfish in this, you just moved on from those relationships and it is impossible to go back.
NTA I told my mom I hope if she ever needs help, she figures it out with my sister because she sure as hell isn’t living with me. I’d rather walk off the nearest cliff into the ocean (didn’t tell her that part).
If you *did* jump in and become their unpaid skivvie and nursemaid, giving up your own life to look after them, you can bet that they’d leave everything to the golden child and you’d get nothing. It happens so often that it’s a cliche.
Don’t give in. This is your brother’s responsibility. They did not earn your respect or love, I’m assuming. You don’t or them shit. Walk away proud and start your own life 🙂
NTA. Just tell them you will provide the same level of care that they gave to you when you were growing up. That should make them reconsider asking you!
Nope NTA. That duty falls on sons as well as daughters. Hopefully one can take care of the other til one passed then Medicare can help out with a carer. You need to b saving every penny to get outta dodge 🤣 don’t ever let yourself get trapped!
The brother can take care of em.
Let them know you’ll put the same energy into their care that they gave you. And tell bro to step up
This is always the way. One golden child who gets everything and can do no wrong, and one who is there to serve …… definitely NTA