my partner M40 has been staying at my house F42 for the past week. Last night the topic of living together came up. He said the only fair way to split bills is to go 50:50 on everything (we both earn similar amounts so fair enough) so I bought up the topic of splitting household jobs. His response was “I’m much slower than you so I’ll do the kitchen you can handle the rest” (taking 2 hours to clean dishes and a further 2 hours to wipe sides and clean the floor) I suggested he needs to learn to do it faster, his response was “I do it at my pace, I won’t be going quicker” i pointed out it’s not a fair division if I’m paying half the bills and doing 90% of the household jobs, so I suggested I’ll do 90% of the household jobs and pay 10% of the bills. He’s now complaining that it’s not fair and I only want him for his money. His family are telling me he’s just a bit slower to do that stuff and I should deal with it. I’ve now told him that I won’t even consider living with him until he’s lived on his own for at least a year and can prove he can look after himself. (He’s never lived independently, always lived with his parents, partner or housemates) I’m now being called an a-hole because I’ve said I’m not being used for free labour. So, AITAH
AITAH for telling my partner he needs to live on his own
r/AITAH
Comments
NTA.
This is what every woman’s response should be when a man tries to move in with her and take over her space. NTA
lol so NTA.
What the heck is this man-child bringing to the relationship?
More red flags than a Chinese Military parade.
NTA is completely fair to think he should live by himself for a bit to prove he can actually live independently. Wouldn’t suggest at all letting him move in so I think you have the right mindset
NTA get rid
NTAH. Jeez he needs to get a grip, being like at as a 40yo is embarrassing.
NTA what a tool.
NTA
You are very wise.
Hang on, your bf is a 40yo man who is still living at home? Girl, just run.
He won’t be the man you hope he’ll be because he’s never learnt to be an adult outside of work. He’ll be the perfect example of weaponised incompetence.
Go find an equal partner, you’ll be happier in the long run
Not the asshole. The chores should be split 50/50, and he can take however long he needs to. I’m sure he will learn to do it faster on his own, without you telling him… and if he doesn’t, that’s on him… it still gets done.
A 40 year old man who has never lived alone? How do you even date someone like that? I’d imagine this isn’t the only area of life he is stunted in.
Split the chores 50/50 and it takes him as long as it takes
Dafuq???!!! The hobo-sexual can pony up and pay for a professional cleaning service to handle his portion of the chores and STFU?!
Why would these idiots think you want more physical labour – you are not adopting a child? So stupid is s genetic trait in that family.
If you agree to him moving in – he’ll do some of the chores for a bit – then slack off as soon as he thinks he can get away with it. He’s stated his intentions – and why aren’t you moving in to his house ? Does he have one?
Why are you in this shituation?
NTA. Even when I lived in a place without a dishwasher, it never took close to two hours to do several days of dishes. What in the world is he doing for all of that time?? Definitely don’t move in with him and get him out of your place asap before he gets too comfortable
NTA. Sabrina Carpenter has a new song about this called MANCHILD.
Dump this dude and find someone who’s an actual adult.
NTA
He’s 40. He’s never had to do things 100% for himself. I sincerely doubt he knows how to even carry 50% of the load.
It takes me longer to do chores too. That doesn’t mean I do less of them. I can still do laundry even if it takes me twice as long for example.
NTA. Save yourself some future headaches and resentment and just end the relationship. He wants a housekeeper/mommy not a partner.
Why can’t the chores be divided 50/50? If it takes him all day maybe he’ll eventually get quicker but as long as he does his part does it matter if it takes longer?
NTA. Tell him he needs to live alone for one whole year before you will even consider living with him.
You both agreed to 50:50. He was the one who suggested it and you didn’t bat an eye. He’s also indirectly using your money by being at your house and upping your utility bills. And then he accuses you of wanting to use him for his money? Seriously? He’s using you for your living space and now he’s trying to use you for your labor and at this point I’d think his accusation is a confession. It just reeks so heavily of horrible sexist shit I’d leave so damn fast. Like why was THAT his first thought and why’d he think it makes sense to say it? Wtf?
Your proposal is a great one, seeing if he can live on his own. Especially if he can afford it but chooses not to because…well, he’s probably using his parents for money too and a living space.
He sounds like someone who thinks effort alone is all that’s needed. Life in this day and age needs results, not just “I tried really hard though”. Can you get the dishes done in ten minutes or not? Why should someone else pay because you’re physically fully capable but can’t figure out efficiency? If he’s always lived with someone it’s also far more likely he’s learned to go about things so slowly so that no one asks him to do another task afterward. My 10 year old nephew can finish dishes in 20 minutes
Wait
He’s 40???
Holy shit lol, what a waster, its a classic lazy shit move, pretend to be useless at a job and you’ll never ask him to do anything else.
NTA lol.
He can move at whatever pace he wants- doing 50% of the chores.
40 years of age and has to be told to clean faster….
Wow, his family must have been frothing at the idea of dropping this human potato on you.
NTA, of course.
I think that is a very reasonable request. You are not the A here.
NOPE!! Time for man-child to grow up.
NTA. You do have to set this expectations early otherwise the resentments will only build up.
NTA and he’s a man child who will use weaponized incompetence. Please get rid of him
A 40 year old man who has never lived alone?
In short, FUCK THAT.
100% I’ve lived with a man who was fresh out of mommy and daddy’s house, and he was absolutely useless. Fast forward many years and moved in with a man who lived on his own for almost 10 years, there was a huge difference!!!
His family needs to mind their own business. If you said you do all of the chores because I am slow, they would then say well speed up. I wouldn’t even consider moving in with him at this point. The only way it would be acceptable is if has some type of disability.
“My mommy does it all and you should too. “
GD gurl. 40 yo man still having mommy do everything? Dump the man child.
Serious question. Why are you with this man child?
NTA but YTA to yourself for dating a loser. What kind of 40yo man never left their parents home and thinks being slow with chores is an excuse for not doing them? He has the mentality of a child, stop dating him.
Info, is your bf mentally handicap? Is he actually spending 4 hours a day cleaning/doing dishes in the kitchen? Like is he deep cleaning in every day or something? Are you using every dish known to man to took? I’m going to need some more details
You are smart to lay down some rules, NTA, he needs to grow the F up.
Why is his family getting involved in this?! Major 🚩🚩🚩!
NTA time to say buh bye
Isn’t him saying he wants some sort of chore distro calculation based on SLOW he is a sort of weaponized incompetence?
I would be like, no, there are no specialized pacings here for your obvious lack of familiarity or desire to clean. You eat, you help with the kitchen. You shower/poop/spit toothpaste, you help with the bathroom. You wear clothes/leave skidmarks, you do your own laundry, you racoon.
Nah you’re not the asshole. If he wants to split bills 50/50, then chores gotta be split too being slow isn’t an excuse to opt out. You’re not his mom or maid. Asking him to live alone first is honestly the bare minimum. Sounds like he wants all the perks of living together without putting in the work.
Time to go✅. Well done sister🎉
He’s never lived on his own and always expected others to pick up his slack? NTA he can be slower and still be expected to do an equal amount of household work. He can do smaller amounts over the week, he can contribute more to the bills and you do the work (as suggested,) there are multiple ways to offset his refusal, or slowness as he calls it, to do chores. Simply saying he’s slower and therefore doesn’t need to do them is bs. Clearly you’re not the problem here and those enabling his behavior are. They can continue to do this for him. I’d be long gone after this. He may change long enough for you to agree to move in but will go right back to you picking up the slack.
Why the hell is his family getting involved?!??? Is he always going to tell them everything when you have a disagreement because he feels that a couple’s relationship should involve extended family members whenever there is a disagreement???
The man is 40 and still looking for a partner to be a mommy and maid. To top it off he has his family intervene when he doesn’t get his way. I would send him home to them. NTA
You are my hero. NTA. YTQ- You’re the Queen!
You only want him for his money? Ha! He only wants YOU for your household labor!
HE’S the golddigger. Dump this POS.
If he doesn’t want to do the chores, HE can PAY for household help. Since HE’S the one not pulling his weight.
I would have dumped his ass the second he said any of this. You’re obviously doing just fine on your own. You don’t need this.
Nope. That guy wants a mother, not a partner. Kick his ass out because he’s just using you.
What a pathetic excuse for an adult oh I can’t do the chores. I’m so slow well hurry up mate.🤦♀️ I’m sorry but it’s time for you to get out of this toxic relationship. He’s made it clear what he wants. He wants a bang maid not an equal partner somebody to do his chores for him because he’s “slow” you likely will not see any change from them unlike this I’m sorry have time to end it
Why is his family this involved in your relationship? You’re both in middle age, which makes that much more absurd, codependent and dysfunctional. My take is that he has not really hidden who he is – a coddled, enabled, helpless man child who is still attached to his family’s teat. Do you want a dependent or an actual life partner? Why is this the person you’ve chosen as the best option for you, thus far? The only person YTA to is yourself, for settling and having low standards.
Oh he’s slow alright!! Bet he moves his butt quicker when it’s something he wants to do.
NTA
NTA and I think it’s a great suggestion! Also, his family is part of the problem because they’ve allowed him to use that lame excuse his whole life. He needs to see how that doesn’t work. Stand on business, sis!
His parents want to slough him off on you so badly! NTA. Continue to live separately. Never give up your peace.
Ooooo you certainly hit a nerve there.
NTA good for you to say live on your own. I bet he can’t do it and would have mommy come by to clean.
Man-child – be wary
My wife is amazed at how quickly I can wash the dishes. We barely use the dishwasher cause what’s the point.
However, I will say. You’ll probably find as it becomes his responsibility he will get quicker at it.
NTA. He’s “slower” so he should be expected to do less? No. He needs practice. And he can just stay up later until he gets his fair share done.
(The real answer of course is that you should NOT live with this guy.)
NTA but I personally think you need to cut your losses here.
He tried weaponised incompetence that didn’t work (good for you for calling it out)… He’s now complaining about you standing up for yourself. It isn’t ever going to be a 50/50 partnership if that is his attitude.
PS: This is coming from a physically disabled partial hand amputee that uses a walking aid AND lives on my own looking after my child (who is also disabled) who may be SLIGHTLY slower at doing chores but it 100% DOES NOT take me 2 hours to do dishes.
NTA. So it’s ok for him to accuse you of wanting him for his money but it’s not ok for you to say he’s using you for maid service?? Nope 50/50 goes for bills and chores. Not your fault he wants to take 4 hours to do dishes and clean the counters. Make a list of all chores that need to get done and he does half one week and the other half the next week. Same for you but I absolutely agree with you that at his age he needs to live on his own and learn to take care of himself bc we are not their maids or servants.
I’m sorry, but he’s 40 and he’s never lived alone? He sounds like a moocher
So his mommy has created a useless man child, and now she’s sick of it. Now they are trying to make you be his new mommy. Good for you, standing up for yourself!!! NTA!
Oh dear. He’s 40 and has never lived independently? Do not under any circumstances allow this man into your home. He’s unwilling to adapt because womenfolk have apparently done the dirty work for him all his life. He needs a life coach, not a partner if this is his attitude. You don’t need his money since you’re obviously living within your means and paying for your own place so his argument is ridiculous. And of course his family is siding with him. They want him to become your burden. Don’t let that happen. NTA.
I knew a man who took forever to wash dishes. I was doing a project in their kitchen, and happened to notice that he wouldn’t use a dish brush or sponge, and would stand there and hold each dish under hot running water until nothing was left on it, as he stared out the window. Each dish, one at a time. Each utensil, one at a time. And then he would put them in the dishwasher.
Glad you didn’t fall for the bullshit, OP.
What exactly attracted you to a 40yo who has never lived alone and still lives with his mommy? That is some sexy shit right there!!
NTA.
>He’s now complaining that it’s not fair and I only want him for his money.
Yeah. And he just wants you for your free domestic labor. Chores aren’t calculated at an hourly rate. They all have to get done. If it takes him longer, he’ll spend more of his life doing chores.
Doing your chores slower so you don’t have to do as much is something he should have outgrown decades ago. Don’t move in with this incompetent man-baby.
Editing to add:
>His family are telling me he’s just a bit slower to do that stuff and I should deal with it.
They’re just saying that so they can pawn him off on you. They should be stuck with him, since they never taught him better.
NTA Living independently is a must, especially in this situation. He is 40 years old, for heaven’s sake, and needs to do it.
If he’s slower to do household chores…then I guess he’ll spend more time doing his 50% of them. Slow is not an excuse.
NTA, if he works slower, then he’ll just have to use more of his free time to complete his portion of the chores.
NTA. Good for you for staying strong! He’s being using weaponized incompetence as an excuse for 40 years!
This pissed me off, house would be so gross if I took 2 hrs just for dishes. I’m a guy (30’s) and I took 3-4 hours Sunday to clean the whole house.. Just me and GMA at home.
2 hours to wash the dish? Run far away..
NTA
You know you shouldn’t move in with this zero right? He’s warming you how he will act, and telling you he won’t be a good partner.
I bet his parents are trying to get rid of him too
Weaponized incompetence. And he’s never lived on his own? NTA, but I’m not sure why you’d want to engage with this. Especially is he’s yelling his parents and they are defending him. That’s what the rest of your life will look like.
He’s 40 years old and it takes him 4 hours to clean the kitchen and he doesn’t believe that he should have to clean anything else. Stick to your guns he needs to live by himself for a year before he can live with you to me you will end up paying 50% of the bills and doing 100% of the house cleaning. No is a whole damn sentence
NTA. Run away. He is not going to get better.
I had a roommate in college who never shared in the household chores. We would suggest a chore sheet where we could keep track of who was doing what, they flat out said they just wouldn’t do it.
It fucking sucked to have someone share space who adamantly refused to take some responsibility for the place.
NTA. Your “man” needs to grow the fuck up
No, you’re NTA.
I think you’ve made a wise decision. Good for you.
NTAH! Good 👏🏽 for👏🏽 you 👏🏽
If he were to live alone he either would get his mommy to do the chores or hire someone. I can’t see him learning to do them himself and I would hate to see the condition of the home if he lived alone.
NTA – I love your shiny spine!
He’s a man-baby (very common) as a result of being coddled his entire life. Your approach is brilliant!
🤌🏻 this is amazing. You could NEVER be an AH for having healthy boundaries! You stick to your guns, tell his family they should’ve taught him better! A grown ass man says “I’ll do the kitchen you do everything else” 😂😂 my ass he’ll do a gd thing but not touch the kitchen for DAYS at a time.
NTA
50/50 bills and 90/10 household labor is insanity. Unfortunately, this is very close to the reality for lots of working women, especially when kids come into play. You’re right to set boundaries. Don’t allow someone to move into your space with that expectation. He needs to pull his weight.
What a joker you got. What man still with his parents at age 40? It’s a good thing you have the sense to insist he prove he can take care of himself before taking on the role of his mom
I’m a slow cleaner and have a lot of cleaning specific trauma, and my spouse is fast and doesn’t.
I do ALL of the day to day stuff (dishes, trash, catbox, sweeping the kitchen, laundry, etc) and they do the big once-in-awhile deep cleans (the kind of thing that makes me panic) and some weekend sprints. This works for us. In total I probably do a bit more but it’s not far off of being equal (I also work twice as many hours as they do).
Your boyfriend is unreasonable. It’s fine to be slow, totally unacceptable to think that gets him out of doing his fair share. Good for you not accepting that.
I can tell you, as a man, he takes that long because 80% of the time someone in his life got sick of waiting and took over the cleaning and finished it for him. So now it’s just weaponized incompetence.
NTA. He’s a man child looking for a mommy and bangmaid. He doesn’t sound like a real partner.
Men these days, they want a housewife, but don’t wanna pay for one.
Wait, in the space of 24 hours, he’s gotten his family involved and it’s devolved into name-calling?
If this is real, just be single. The juice ain’t worth the squeeze here.
You go girl. This is exactly the right response.
NTA – every adult should live on their own for some time, your comment is very reasonable. In your partners case, at 40yo who has never been self sufficient? Major red flag.
NTA – he’s showing constructive incompetence. Why not suggest he pays for a housekeeper to do the remaining 40% of the tasks.
nta as others have said, don’t live with him.
Fine if he takes forever to clean the kitchen, but he still needs to do other chores.
Hell no NTA. Bare minimum is not what we should be enabling.
At his age? This? Yeah – he needs some time to learn how to be a grown-ass man.
His parents are acting that way because they want him and his housing to be your problem and not theirs anymore. NTA
Christ. When I was married and we moved in together we had both our salaries paid into an account, paid for everything from it, and looked after the house, garden and chores. Like “hey do we need anything from the supermarket?” And “do you want me to cool dinner as you’re working late tomorrow?” And “can i help you replace that sheetrock”. These days seems like partnerships are about negotiating the best deal.
So you’re supposed to do the lawn care take the garbage out, clean the bathroom do all the vacuuming and dusting. Do you have to do all the cooking too? Do you have to wash the cars and all of his laundry? I am baffled when I think of all of the other things to do than cleaning a kitchen. Omg! 😱
Omg. Just be his new mommy already and do his chores for him. Whats wrong with you wanting to be with an independent man. I mean 40 really is a little early to have to be “taking care of yourself” so heartless.
Tbh, you need to just move on. It will not get better.
NTA. My husband takes forever to cook, but he’s retired, so he can take all damn day hunching over a pot if he wants. But when he was working, he could snap out a meal in 20 minutes.
But if he’s “slow”, it’s weaponized incompetence. He’s even got his family convinced probably because they got tired of his ass. And he’s always lived with people because he knows damn well he needs a maid, and it shouldn’t be the woman whose home he moved into.
I guess you could keep dating him, but to what end?
He’s 40 and never lived on his own. Biggest red flag right there.
Why would being slower equal having to do less? That doesn’t make a lick of sense.
NTA! The “own pace” argument only works if he still has his share of chores and just does them on his own time. Being slow and then claiming it means he gets to not do his share? No. Absolutely not. Do not live with this man.
Bro’s family is upset because they were hoping to offload him onto you. A Hobosexual will never change, the weaponized incompetence is ingrained. He has nothing to offer you. Put him in your rear view.
“Just want him for his money” ah yes! Look at all these pennies!
It’s not about the time it takes it’s about the tasks. It his problem if he does them slow, not yours.
Idk why I’ve met so many grown men who will purposely do things bad or slow just to get out of them. And so many women who will allow this to happen.
Good on you for standing your ground
Not only are you NTA, you’re smart as hell, OP! Great idea to get all these details worked out in advance of actually moving in together. Wish I’d been so smart in my relationships…
NTA. ALL kinds of issues come up when people have never had to live on their own. I have seen it way too many times. They continue to be children until all the consequences of their actions (or inaction) lies on their own shoulders.
NTA he can pay a cleaner. Best money I’ve every spent. Me and my partner split everything 50/50 the cleaner comes in once a fortnight. She’s better at cleaning than I am so I pay her.
“He’s now complaining that it’s not fair and I only want him for his money.”
“His family are telling me he’s just a bit slower to do that stuff and I should deal with it..”
” His response was “I’m much slower than you so I’ll do the kitchen you can handle the rest”.
I fucking rolled my eyes reading this shit. At this point in my life, I am tired of these manipulation tactics. How is asking him to up his game wrong? The family telling you to “deal with it” means they know it’s a shit deal for you. If he doesn’t prove he can handle living on his own, end this. He’s another guy trying to shift responsibility unto someone else making their life harder and making his convenient. This is nonsense and you are NTA. If someone actually said this nonsense to me, I would just sigh and end the relationship.
NTA, and do not back down. He needs to go.
Absolutely NTA, you did great by refusing, you were going to keep rising a grown man and paying half for it, i know you may need companionship in your life but not like this one, keep living peacefully with yourself
He doesn’t want a partner, he wants a bangmaid. Not a keeper. Release him back into the wild.
NTA.. he’s weak af.
Never lived on his own and is 40… that’s all that needs to be said right there.
Don’t waste any more of your time.
You are definitely not the AH in this scenario! Run girl run!
So wait… his family, who he most likely is living with, is calling you an asshole because you won’t take his slacker ass in? Like they have no conflict of interest in this situation?
Cleaning the kitchen is important, but it is just a fraction of what needs to be done. Also, I notice that him “doing the kitchen” doesn’t seem to include planning meals, shopping for food, and cooking the food. If you’re doing all of that, you’re already doing way more work than him, and that’s before you even factor in the vacuuming and cleaning the toilets.
Of course you’re NTA.He’s skated on contributing to a household for 40 years. Clearly he’s just trying to keep that streak going.
So what if it takes him longer? He can still do other chores and contribute more than the kitchen. If he wants down time, he can learn to do it faster. NTA.
Kick him out.
Good grief. Please date men that actually like you and you won’t have this problem. NTA but you are, like most modern women, allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. It is NEVER 50/50.
Don’t do it girl. He’ll treat you like his mom
40 and never lived by himself before. This man is not ready cooking. Put him back.
Why should you deal with it? Tell his family to deal with it. How did his family even get in this discussion? You called them or he called them?
NTA. He can pay someone to do his share or he doesn’t move in.
My husband and I are tired of house work and both adult kids have super busy work and life schedules so we have weekly cleaners come in.
We rotate the kitchen tidying up daily (does not take 4 hours) and quick wipe down in bathrooms (toilet and sink) but the actual house cleaning (dusting, deep cleaning, sweep, vacuum and washing floors, change sheets and some windows) and laundry is done every Friday morning.
NTA. This should be the test for anyone you’re considering living with. Kudos to you for standing up!!!!
FIRST OF ALL. The bs about splitting 50/50 in a hetero couple is that 9/10 the man eats more so WHY should women have to pay 50/50 when actual consumption is not 50/50!!! If a woman lives by herself she’ll have girl dinner and each meal will come to about £5, as soon as a man is involved that goes up 4x
He can pay for a housekeeper, or he can do his share, doesn’t matter how long it takes, it matters how much of the work is done. Otherwise, don’t move in with him.
Weaponised incompetence is manipulation. Id seriously look at his other behaviours to see what else he manipulates
NTA – just because he does it slower doesn’t mean he can’t do it. He needs to prove to you he has the ability to be an adult before this relationship goes any further.
2 hours to do the dishes? Do you live in a restaurant? Is he using a Qtip? Never live with him and never marry him.
Fair enough. Nobody wants a man that goes from mommy to partner.
It’s not just weaponised incompetence, it is plain slavery. He wants a domestic sex-servant who pays at least 50% of the bills. Talking about a gold digger.
His family is trying to find a sucker who will want to take over the burden he is. Tell me, what do you get out of this deal?
Get him out ASAP before he can claim to be a tenant.
Sounds like weaponized incompetence/mama’s boy/golden child. You are smart to make him live on his own. Make sure too that if you stay in this relationship, that he doesn’t try to come over and stay with you all the time. Limit it to maybe 1 night a week. Force him to take care of himself.
So I read this story aloud, my daughter missed the beginning ages. She legitimately thought it was a mother and teenager. The look of horror when she realized it was a grown man.
He needs to remember that his competition isn’t with another man it’s with your peace. A woman’s peace is worth a lot.
If he thinks you only want him for his money, then I would argue that he only wants you to take care of the house. What a man baby. Does he tell his boss that he works at one pace and the coworkers can handle the slack he leaves? I doubt it. Why should you “just deal with it”?! Does he mean to tell you he is done improving himself? Not someone I would want to build a future with
NTA.. the kitchen takes 1 hour max imo… 2 hours if you’re deep cleaning. He’s ridiculous, keep your boundary stern. If you allow him to infiltrate your home it’ll feel like you have a child rather a grown man.
NTA. Don’t let him sleep over anymore, and don’t live together.
Then he can hire a maid for his portion and pay. Do not let this stupid man in to your house
Could you imagine him having that conversation about his work pace to his boss? Do not let him move in. When he has learned how to adult on his own then you can revisit the issue
Uh, that would be a HARD no for me. I’m fine with unequal distribution of labor if he covers more of the bills but your time and energy is worth something.
Did exactly the same before moving in with my now partner of 15y.
Made him live alone for over a yeat first and he learned a lot! Still need to remind him to do some stuff around the house sometimes, but mostly because he forgets – not because he tries to ignore and let me do it.
Same with cooking… I hate cooking but I am a very good cook… it’s not rocket science though, anyone can boil water and make pasta so we cook 50/50
Edit: NTA clearly
NTA
Definitely don’t move in together.
He immediately wanted 50/50 on bills but he obviously already planned on you being the maid.
That’s a red flag. He’s so insistent that he be able to take advantage of you.
What does it have to do with the rest of the family? Nothing.
Sounds like you are better off by yourself.
Nta. He needs to pay for a cleaning service. Or he can stay somewhere else.
NTA. Ok, it’s ok you’re slower but you still have to do 50% of the chores. Yes you’ll have much less free time so maybe watch some you tube videos on how to speed up. But know that you are responsible for 50% no matter what
Hell no. He wants a mommy and a maid, Not a partner.
NTA. Fuck that shit. You said the right thing.
Absolutely DO NOT live with him! I’m disabled and I still don’t take 4 hours to clean the kitchen! I can’t stand more than 10 minutes at a time and also it’s the washing up for 2 people. Think about that. I manage to wash dishes and clean the kitchen usually in under 2 hours on a bad day. Good day 1 hour or less and yes that includes dishes, wiping counters, sweeping and mopping. So he’s just being “slow” on purpose so he doesn’t have to clean his fair share. NTA
How about this: split the bills and housework 50/50. If he wants to hire a cleaner for his half of the cleaning (or send the laundry out or whatever) he can pay for that himself.
You all are in your 40s. Why is his family involved? Why has he never lived on his own?
NTA. There are multiple ways to deal with this, but if “50:50” is fair for finances, then it is fair for household maintenance. “I’m slower than you” isn’t a reason to do fewer chores, it just means he’s going to have to allocate more time to his share.
Maid service have the maids come once a week
Do a deep cleaning
Have him pay for it you’ll see how fast he starts doing a better job
So not only is he useless around the house, but he’s snitched on you to his whole family so now you have to deal with them, too.
Just sack this guy off, what a loser.
I am sorry, but I think you are missing a BIG red flag. The “man” is 49 years old and NEVER lived on his own? I think that should tell you everything right there. His family reacting the way they are. Do you really want to deal with someone like this? He is looking for someone to take care of him. I would seriously reconsider this relationship. It is going to be nothing but headache. Please don’t tell he plays video games too.
NTA. Bills and housework can be a major source of problems in relationships. I’m glad you can see the red flags BEFORE he moves in. Live on your own for as long as you can. You don’t need to be cleaning up after a man child.
Nta
It’s one thing to trade off chores based on which ones each of you hates least or if someone has a bad shoulder or something, but if he sucks that badly at all of them that’s his problem.
It’s not fair for you to have to do more because he’s just slow.
If he was disabled and doing what he could to do his share it would be different, but he’s not, he’s just relied on others to do it for him for his entire life.
NTA. You’re not going to fix this.
Plan A: Volunteer to be his nanny and housekeeper
Plan B: Dump him
Plan C: Do all the work and then complain about it
Plan C is a terrible plan. Don’t pick that one.
NTA. exactly the correct response. He wants 50/50 then that’s what he needs to offer too. If you let him move in he’ll use his weaponised incompetence forever.
Taking two hours to wash dishes is just going to run your water bill up. And it’s extremely wasteful
NTA – he’s 40 and never lived in his own. You will 100% end up doing 100% of domestic and emotional labor