I am 24F and I share an apartment with my roommate, who is 25F. We get along fine, but her boyfriend, who is 26, has practically moved in over the last month. He is here almost every night and acts like this is his place.
The main issue is that he walks around shirtless all the time, even when I am home. It is not just a quick trip from the bathroom to their room. He lounges on the couch, cooks in the kitchen, and even has full conversations with me while shirtless. I feel uncomfortable because this is not some big house where I can avoid him. We have a small two-bedroom apartment, and I am constantly running into him.
I told my roommate that I am uncomfortable and that he needs to either put on a shirt or not spend so much time here. She got defensive and said I am “overreacting” and “acting like an old lady.” I told her that this is my home too, and I should not have to feel uncomfortable in my own living room.
She is now upset with me and told me that I embarrassed her boyfriend when I asked him directly to “throw on a shirt” last night. He apparently told her I made him feel “unwelcome and judged.”
Now I am questioning if I was too blunt, but I also feel like basic respect in a shared space should not be too much to ask. AITAH?
Comments
if you look at your lease I’ll bet you will find a limit for how often guests can stay there – and if he’s using water and electricity then you’r paying for half if you split the bill with your roomate.
its ok for someone to feel unwelcome and judged when he was wandering around shirtless and you didn’t want him to do so in your home.
this isn’t about skin. it’s about space. your space. and when comfort is one-sided, it becomes entitlement. you didn’t shame him… you reminded him this isn’t his kingdom. it’s your home too.
I don’t know what the fuck is going on there, but I assure you, you did not make him feel embarrassed. I believe you in that she said he said that.. but he did not feel that way at all. That dude is lying.
Most people would be upset about this for many other reasons besides just him walking around shirtless. Your request is extremely simple and was made toward a guest in your own home. Your roommate expects you to not only just accept the fact that she’s basically moved him in without consulting you/him contributing anything, but also expects you to be fine with being made to feel uncomfortable in your own home to protect her free riding bf’s feelings.
Yeah, NTA
What does your lease about guests/other people moving in?
He’s been embarrassing you for weeks. It’s his turn.
You’re not asking for anything unreasonable or outlandish. It’s not torture to pull on a tee shirt.
NTA
I don’t think anyone is the AH, maybe him for being too comfortable too quickly, but as a guy I also don’t wear a lot of shirts in the height of summer.
Out of curiosity, what’s wrong with him not wearing a shirt? Is it a hygiene thing? Are you uncomfortable around all men, or just him? Or is it about this being your home? Is it about him being there too much?
If anything; the fact that I don’t get it but would still try to respect your feelings means that he could feel the same way, they just need to be explained to him.
I also don’t think he felt disrespected, those were probably her words that she was projecting.
Why can’t this guy wear a shirt? It’s about him not you
What portion of the rent and utilities is he picking up? You didn’t ask for this, you can object to it.
He chooses to disregard your wishes in your home, so he doesn’t need to be there. No shirt, no visit.
And your roommate should be discussing with you whether you want him moving in the way he seems to be doing.
no way did he say he felt judged. thinking that others are judging him is incongruent with going shirtless all the time in someone else’s home. someone like that is much more likely to claim there’s something wrong with you.
He IS unwelcome and judged. It’s your home, you are NOT the asshole
Not at all, he’s in your home and he needs to respect your rules, this guy sounds like a headache.
Is he hot?
Girl….
There’s going to be a lot of practical advice here, so I’m just going to go ahead and throw in something unhinged to spice it up:
Take a picture of his chest. Photoshop the picture so it appears to have some irregular moles or perhaps an unappealing hair pattern. Maybe an unflattering tattoo. Have it printed on a t-shirt. Wear the shirt at all times. Perhaps this will cause enough a stir to get him to stop.
idk Hope this helps!
I had a roommate who walked around without a shirt. He also sweated a lot. He literally sweated his body outline into my leather couch and har, 2 places he was specifically not to use. Had to throw them out.
No shirt no visit
Ok I’ll ask. Was it his nipples?
Tell your roommate how hot he is without a shirt and you can’t stop thinking about his naked chest – and would she ask him to go completely naked so you can stop imagining how the rest of him looks like 😅
Just walk around shirtless too.
Nta, and what’s something they would really hate you doing? I would do it just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Shirtless? Seriously? So what😘?If you don’t want him there, go with that. Shirtless doesn’t matter. Pick your battles better. You sound petty. If he’s there to much and crowding your space, you have every right to draw boundaries. If you don’t care that he’s there, but him not having a shirt on is the problem, then you’re the asshole.
Why are you so upset about a guy with no shirt? It’s pretty normal with guys. I get that it’s a lot though having someone else around that much
You need to have a larger conversation about him paying extra for utilities, and if this is going to be a pattern, rent.
NTA. It’s your home. Your room mate and her boyfriend are TA’s.
If you’re in someone else’s home, put your clothes on. He is unwelcome. I’d explicitly agree with roommate on this point. Frankly be as blunt as possible. You have zero obligation to cater to him and his feelings and your crappy roommate deserves no grace either. She imposed him on you without discussion or concern for your feelings, which do matter because you PAY the rent. NTA
Your home and you asked her to handle it. She didn’t. If he is staying over all the time then he should pay, but once he does, its his home too. I had a roommate whose boyfriend helped us find a house since it was so crowded with the 3 of us. I quickly realized he thought we were going to move and he was going to keep staying over. I said, nope. If you are going to keep staying start paying.
ESH. I’d wager if the genders were reversed and some guy was telling some gal to put on more clothes, many reactions would be very different.
You are not required to approve of how someone does or does not cover their body. Once you stray from that line, it places you on the wrong side of the argument from whatever your actual goal might be. In this particular case, you still aren’t affording that basic respect and come across poorly making demands for respect.
You get to control what you see within your private space. In shared accomodations that means your bedroom, unless you’ve come to some sort of agreement with the others in the household. Unless specifically discussed, the shared spaces are public in function.
Instead of continuing an argument, have an actual discussion about the terms of your living arrangements. I don’t mean get all lawyer-y and talk about lease terms, your issues won’t be covered by them anyway. I mean come to a two-yes understanding about guests, shared spaces, and their intentions for when the lease needs renewed.
Even if you win this one, you don’t really win – not via a power struggle. You’ll be looking for a new roommate within a year if you start trying to control the boyfriends. Start looking at your housing options so you have a good idea what moving along looks like for you. It’ll probably bring a bit of courage and clarity to the discussion.
Ohhhhhhhh. I think you might like him. Well, you know, find something attractive about him, and either feel repulsed about the way you do, that you, or why you think you might. So you don’t think it. Instead, you might be trying to get rid of the things that make you have to not think it. Like, him. Sam’s Shirt. Idk, ofc. And my guess is you are adamant that I am very wrong.
How adamant are you? How quickly? How many neurons fight back against even the consideration of it as a maybe? Maybe….that can help you figure out the answer. If you let sure you have the answer, and are repulsed by the suggestion I have made. Think about the suggestion I have made. Cause maybe, you think he kinda fine and think you can’t think that and still think that you are morally intact or something. Savage. Base. A bad friend. Name your super ego rule, but maybe there is one such rule. There is if there’s a super ego, and, there isn’t one. Not really. But there might as well be. So, there is, to me.
That’s ok. You’re ok, in any case. Just, if that’s the case, it’s good to know it. And to say it. And to know that only you can really say it. But if you do, and it’s true, all of the sudden….no one
Is the asshole
It is summer, offer him a tank top if you can.
Start walking around the apartment shirtless and see what happens. NTA.
He should have the manners to put on a shirt but, does he look good though? Lol
Personally I think your being an uptight bitch but it’s your home and he should respect it
I think YTA for blaming the issue on him being shirtless as opposed to him moving in essentially
Nope. I witnessed something like this with my own daughter, where the situation somehow morphed into a housemate’s boyfriend asking my daughter to move out of her own house (which she owns–yeah, for real) and into his crummy rental. Your acceptance of his presence is already generous enough. Stay the course…
Investigate lease rules, report anonymously (the landlord can say that they just noticed his car there a lot overnight or something), express disgust with facial expressions and sounds every time you see him (but also deny that you are doing that if confronted), and investigate new living arrangements.
>I made him feel “unwelcome and judged.”
Honestly? Good. Because he needed to be judged for walking around half dressed in someone else’s home and he wasn’t actually welcome to start essentially living in a place he pays absolutely nothing for. If your roommate wants her boyfriend to feel comfortable about his clothing optional choices, suggest they spend their time at his place. But I suspect he either has roommates that are no more interested in having her around than you are in having him, or he still lives with his parents.
You are NTA here. It isn’t his home. He doesn’t have any rights to be his most authentic self in a place he pays nothing for.
No your fine , but she can also tell your to F off. It’s 1/2 her apartment . You asked her and she told you , your opinion means nothing
I am almost always in favor of guys going shirt-free when they like, but not in this case. If this boy can’t be courteous to the woman forced to be his co-hostess, he shouldn’t hang around.
If he feels unwelcome and judged it’s probably because he’s unwelcome and is being judged. Go put on a shirt and he won’t feel that way. NTA
Nta. Check with you landlord about overnight visitors.