I (39F) and my husband (48M) share our home with our 3 kids. My son (18M), my daughter (14F), and my step-daughter (20F). We’ve had a rocky relationship with SD since she was 16. She lived with us for about a year prior and once rules were enforced and things got “real” she up and left with zero communication. No reasoning. Then sent a very hurtful text message to my husband, it basically said how he was a terrible human being and how she never wished he was her father.
Our kids are expected that if they are living in our home they are to help contribute by cleaning up after themselves, do minor chores like helping with dishes, tidy the house, their own laundry, and have respect for everyone living in the house.
SD was given these same rules. And expected to either go back to school or get a job. Once she had a job she was expected to pay some “rent” to help contribute to household expenses and groceries. She pays 300 a month which covers her cellphone that we pay for, hydro, gas, water, internet, food. We also take a portion of her pay check to help her save up for moving expenses.
SD has issues cleaning up after herself. Examples, she will leave cupboards wide open, she will leave dirty dishes on tables, she leaves garbage on counters, her clothes on the floor, etc. these are all in common living areas. Their bedrooms are there space and we leave them alone, unless it stinks up the house or there seems to be an insect issue (which we have never had). She also seems to have zero concern for anyone else living in the house as well. She’s loud at 2am by screaming cuz she’s playing games with friends, she will blare a TV if someone is sleeping, play music while having a hour long shower at 11pm, etc.
I have asked for my husband to deal with her behaviour as when I try and address the situation she gets very defensive and it ends up being a screaming match. So the best for everyone is that I asked my husband to address it. He tends to have a conversation with her and talks nicely but there is never a consequence for the behaviour. Things kind of go ok for about a week and then she’s back to the same behaviours. As you can imagine I’m at my wits end with all of it. I feel like I’m going crazy, a prisoner in my own home as I try to avoid her and engaging with her at any point because I don’t want to piss her off. My husband gives her time frames to correct the behaviour buts never really sticks to it.
I want to confront her in regard to correcting this behaviour and having respect for my home as well as everyone in it. I am unsure how to address this. I want to tell her my expectations again, which were already put out there when she first moved in. And tell her that if she doesn’t correct these behaviours within six months she needs to leave immediately. Would this make me an asshole for giving this ultimatum?
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I (39F) and my husband (48M) share our home with our 3 kids. My son (18M), my daughter (14F), and my step-daughter (20F). We’ve had a rocky relationship with SD since she was 16. She lived with us for about a year prior and once rules were enforced and things got “real” she up and left with zero communication. No reasoning. Then sent a very hurtful text message to my husband, it basically said how he was a terrible human being and how she never wished he was her father.
Our kids are expected that if they are living in our home they are to help contribute by cleaning up after themselves, do minor chores like helping with dishes, tidy the house, their own laundry, and have respect for everyone living in the house.
SD was given these same rules. And expected to either go back to school or get a job. Once she had a job she was expected to pay some “rent” to help contribute to household expenses and groceries. She pays 300 a month which covers her cellphone that we pay for, hydro, gas, water, internet, food. We also take a portion of her pay check to help her save up for moving expenses.
SD has issues cleaning up after herself. Examples, she will leave cupboards wide open, she will leave dirty dishes on tables, she leaves garbage on counters, her clothes on the floor, etc. these are all in common living areas. Their bedrooms are there space and we leave them alone, unless it stinks up the house or there seems to be an insect issue (which we have never had). She also seems to have zero concern for anyone else living in the house as well. She’s loud at 2am by screaming cuz she’s playing games with friends, she will blare a TV if someone is sleeping, play music while having a hour long shower at 11pm, etc.
I have asked for my husband to deal with her behaviour as when I try and address the situation she gets very defensive and it ends up being a screaming match. So the best for everyone is that I asked my husband to address it. He tends to have a conversation with her and talks nicely but there is never a consequence for the behaviour. Things kind of go ok for about a week and then she’s back to the same behaviours. As you can imagine I’m at my wits end with all of it. I feel like I’m going crazy, a prisoner in my own home as I try to avoid her and engaging with her at any point because I don’t want to piss her off. My husband gives her time frames to correct the behaviour buts never really sticks to it.
I want to confront her in regard to correcting this behaviour and having respect for my home as well as everyone in it. I am unsure how to address this. I want to tell her my expectations again, which were already put out there when she first moved in. And tell her that if she doesn’t correct these behaviours within six months she needs to leave immediately. Would this make me an asshole for giving this ultimatum?
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> I believe I might be the asshole because I am willing to just kick my step daughter out of our home without hesitation to protect my own peace and everyone else’s peace.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
So you are married so the house you stay in the marital home – it belongs to you and your husband – you can’t go and make the decision to throw out his daughter just because she doesn’t obey your rules.
YTA.
NTA, probably. I would float the ultimatum to your husband first though
YWBTA. Six months is way too long. She’s already had plenty of time. Give her a week to correct the behaviors, or leave.
Also this is not your job. Her father should be the one to take the stand. It’s his kid. Don’t let him set you up as the bad guy. But he would have to really take a stand, give the ultimatum and stick with it.
NTA, but start with a boundaries convo with the spouse. He is leaving HIS family issues for you to deal with. He is not being an active parent.
SD may need evaluated for ADHD, and some family counseling to manage stressors and overstimulation
NTA. It sounds like she’s deliberately being disrespectful and proving that dad doesn’t have the heart to actually enforce the rules. That’s bad for everyone in the house, and especially the example it’s setting for the other kids. You didn’t say why she moved back in with you guys, but you were obviously the easier solution to her other options. Dad needs to tell her she’s got no more chances left. She needs to move out on her own or find another sap to put up with that garbage. Then she can live in the mess to her heart’s content.
NTA—-tell your husband his little talks aren’t working. She has 1 week to get her attitude fixed or 30 days to move out. Her choice
ESH. I’ll say that I think a major problem is forcing her to pay you rent. If she’s at home then she should go to school or work with the goal of saving enough to get out of your house. If she has to pay you rent that’s less money she has to leave. If you don’t want to pay for certain things for her then don’t. Move her phone to her own account, let her buy her own food, etc. be real though, if you want her out of your house she needs money to do it.
NTA. Husband has to take charge of this though. I would not go straight to eviction, either. Raise rent if she can’t shape up. Raise it in increments to market rate in your area for a room. If she can’t pay it comfortably, she’ll be motivated to behave well. If she can, hopefully she will move out and become her new roommates’ problem.
If it’s just your house, your husband doesn’t own it at all and has put nothing into then you can do as you please really. If it is not just your house then you need to discuss this with your husband before doing anything else.
Have to say YWBTA for this ultimatum without discussing it with your husband first. Unless the hosue is yours outright.
You wouldn’t be TA but what happens when the time is up and nothing has changed and she’s not willing to leave. Do you trust that your husband will back you up and enforce it this time?
Give her a contract with the terms. All of you sign it. Lay out consequences and hold your husband to them. This is not going to help her in the future, it will feed her entitlement. You have to stop the cycle.
Shut the internet and hot water off at 10:00. Take her clothes and trash and open the door to her room and throw them in there. When she is loud at late hours, tell your husband right then to go deal with it. When she leaves dirty dishes, have your husband deal with it right then. She does all of this because you have been to passive about the issues. Having a talk will only do so much. She clearly needs action and to be called out the moment she does these things. Make it so she either gets her act together or is so disgruntled she leaves on her own.
Info: who owns the house at issue? When did you and husband get together? Where is her mom?
Info- Does your 18 year old Son have a job or pay rent?
I told my kids once – you can choose to be a tenant or you can choose to be a family member. Family members follow rules of the house, do their chores and help others. In return, they get lodging, food, internet, heat and hydro for a really great price. They also support and companionship.
If they want to live as a tenant, they can. Tenants come and go as they please but pay their own way. They want to live like a wild animal and do no chores? Go for it. It’s your choice and your home and I get to choose whether or not I want to visit.
One day, after they had disobeyed all the rules (again), I packed all their stuff up and put it on the sidewalk. When they came home they asked why their stuff was out there.
I told them they had a choice to make – family member or tenant, and I was DONE explaining the rules to semi-grown people that had the resources and abilities to choose.
They chose “family member” and while I won’t say the conversation never came up again, they knew I meant business.
NTA but Your husband has to be on the same page, and he has be prepared for when she threatens him again and hurts him. She as found a way to manipulate him and I get it – it’s so hard when he wants to have a better relationship with her.
But she is 20, not 10. She can learn these lessons now, in the safety of your family, or worse, she ends up in a bad relationship with someone who either tolerates her bad behaviour or is even worse.
Your husband needs to get her to move. In the mean time, shut off the internet when you go to bed. You can always take the router / modem with you. That should stop the nighttime gaming and loud TV marathons. Just start making it unpleasant. You might be able to put a timer on the hot water heater so that there is no hot water after 10 pm ask a plumber if that exists.
Your actual problem is a husband problem. I would set up some couples therapy to work through this situation. He needs to understand that he is NOT helping her by enabling this crappy behavior.
NTA
What do you mean she has no intention of going back to school? For me, that’s mandatory if you expect to live in my home as an adult. School and work, or you gotta get out and get your own place.
I don’t think charging her $300 is crazy especially since you are paying expenses. It is important for kids to understand that there are expenses and life isn’t cheap. It teaches them responsibility. And I saw that you are saving some of that for her, which makes it even nicer that you’re doing that for her.
I’d be charging a lot more than $300 if she’s not in school and isn’t intentional on moving out anytime soon. Otherwise you’re setting her up to be a freeloader. She needs to go to school. It’s so ridiculous that privileged kids don’t think they need to go to school these days. Being a barista at 30 isn’t that great.
Well you now certainly know why your SD has no boundaries or responsibility; she learned it from your husband who also fails to take responsibility and will not set boundaries. You would be the asshole for the ultimatum only if it wasn’t sanctified by your husband too, who should be the one telling HIS daughter what the expectations and boundaries are. Even though he has abdicated his parent role and seems fine with you taking it over, he still needs to be a part of the conversation about the deadlines for moving out and expectations.
SD knows her dad is a pushover who will not follow through on consequences and so you have an adult who is still having toddler tantrums and being irresponsible because that is ok with her dad. You need couples counseling to see if your husband can learn to step up and do what he should. HE needs to give the move out deadline and follow through on it, not you.
NTA… but should the behavior change start immediately? Maybe you should sit down and talk and together write out an agreement. Include what behaviors are most unacceptable and will result in her being asked to leave. You teaching her to be an adult, accountable and have respect for you and the family. Please don’t forget to show her some love. And positively give compliments with you are seeing good behaviors!
Nta but this should be on your husband and not you. His lack of follow through is why this is happening.
Since she pays you rent you have two options. Stay with the parent authority, or switch gears to being a landlord. Write out a full rental agreement with quiet hours and expectations of what’s allowed in the common area. She wants to be respected as an adult so it’s time to treat her as one, she can risk eviction if she doesn’t want to abide by the agreement.
First, it’s “My husband and I” and yes YTA. Ah parenting affirmation and skills thru a Reddit community about being an A-hole. You’d think the PTA meeting, or church luncheon, or a soccer field might be a good place to ask people you actually know for input. Heck, even a coffee house or over a plate of cookies in your kitchen while the child’s father naps watching tennis. But you came here with one-sided accusations against a child you’ve apparently never wanted. This is how true crime podcasts are made. Your house. Possessive. You sound lovely. Why don’t you work out your family issues with your family – does your husband have balls? Does he talk? She’s his child. Does he know you’re publicly shaming his daughter online? YTA for everything about the post, from its tone to its venting nature to its blaming everything on a person half your age.
Wait until she has REAL roommates. You might want to express that NO ONE will ever want to live with her if this is how she conducts herself and her living environment.
NTA. She is an adult. If she is not following rules and disturbing the household then kick her out.
YTA because you are directing your anger, frustration, and focus at the wrong person. Your step-daughter isnt the issue here, the problem is your husband.
Look, from your step-daughter’s perspective, you came in and changed everything about the way her family household operated and her dad, by expecting her to follow your rules, has chosen you over her.
You and your husband both failed by not having a solid plan in place for how you would merge to very differently run households. You also really screwed up by taking any corrective or enforcement role with your step-daughter. In situations such as your situation with your step-daughter only the biological parent should be taking corrective measures. If your kids are receptive to taking correction from your husband they can have a different set up, but you need to stop with your step-daughter.
Additionally, y’all are charging her rent. When you charge rent, even a reduced rent, you lose the right to interact with them on home issues as a parent. They are a roommate/tenant and you have to interact with them as such with the added conflict of having a familial relationship.
You can tell your husband you extact her to abid by xyz behavior. You can tell your husband you are tired of the way she treats your home and you want him to agree, convey, and enforce a rental agreement that spells out expected behaviors, but based on the picture youve painted I dont think your husband is going to be able or willing to enforce your requirements on his daughter.
You and your husband need the help of a neutral 3rd party at this point. You need someone who can help talk you through the frustrations you both feel, because Im positive he is tired of you fighting with his daughter and complaining about his kid and worried your behavior is going to isolate him from his daughter again. So your husband is in a position where he is giving lip service go both you and his daughter and you and his daughter continue to get more frustrated with the other. A third party mediator should be able to help.
Perhaps not charging your step-daughter to live with her father is a good place to start, unless you cant aford it. If you do charge her, put the entirety of her $300 a month into an account that you dont touch. Create an account that can give her first and last month’s rent and the start up funds for an apartment. That way she is still learning budgeting and responsibilities but you are creating a nest egg for her to start her life outside the home. Look into putting the funds into a trust for living expenses if you dont trust she would spend the money wisely upon moving out and getting access to a large sum.
Now, with all that said, is your step-daughter being an asshole of a roommate? Yeah, even though she isnt acting much differently from other 20 year olds, she is doing 20 year old behavior in the family home that doesnt operate like an early 20s apartment.
Because you have such a strained relationship you have to go about resolving the issues differently. The loud gaming is annoying AF. Also, gamers dont often realize their tone is increasing while playing. Can you move her gaming system to an area where she wont disturb others? If thats not an option can you get an led decibel meter display that she can put on the edge of her screen to give her a visual reminder that isnt your husband coming in and saying its late and you are getting too loud? What about bone conducting headphones for when she is showering so she can still listen to music while showering at night but not interrupt everyone? What about putting a basket in the main areas for her to drop her stuff in, and that you husband does a nightly or morning round up of her things to these baskets. Your husband. Not you. Her stuff is contained. She can be mad at him. And if she doesnt like him collecting her stuff for her she is free to collect it herself (which she should be doing and this will hopefully force her into doing)
Note to your hubby, if you take these measures to compromise you HAVE to enforce the compromise. If she is too loud go in and say hey, I got you that decibel meter. You are way too loud. Bring it down or Im cutting off the Wi-Fi. If she is blasting the music at 11 pm for an hour and not using her headphones again HE has to institute the consequences. If you arent using your headphones Im cutting off the hot water heater after five minutes. And then do it. And when she gets upset, look kiddo. We can to a compromise so everyone can be happy, you can play games and listen to music while you shower, and I can sleep. You arent abiding by that agreement. You were told this was going to be the consequences. This is the consequence. You want an hour long hot shower, wear your headphones. You want to play games all night, watch your volume. You dont want me touching your stuff, you pick it up yourself. Again, hubby this is all on YOU to do.
OP stop engaging with your step-daughter on any complaints. Leave that to your husband. Its his responsibility. And if he isnt following through then you need to figure out what consequences for his actions you are willing to enforce.
NTA. But, I feel you need to confront your husband, not your SD. It’s your husbands responsibility to keep her in line. If he doesn’t’ do it, there needs to be consequences to him. What are those consequences OP?
Six months is too long of a timeframe. She either needs to stick to the rules, or you will formally evict her. Let her know that from this point forward, if her dirty clothes are left in common areas, they go instantly into the dumpster – not the kitchen garbage, the outside bin. She is an adult and knows where her clothes belong. I can be a bit petty so she’s lucky, as I would take the clothes to the burn pile after the third time of her dragging her clothes out of the trash (because we know she will.)
Seriously, set a reasonable timeline and stick to it. Write up a contract of what is expected and lay out the consequences if she doesn’t follow through. Make sure everyone signs and dates it.
NTA but you have more patience than I do.
Has anyone considered she may be ADHD? Or in some capacity neuro-divergent?
Maybe you have a different issue to address first.
Leaving the cabinets open is one huge clue.
Honestly, all the complaints you lodge against her, are signs of ADHD.
I am not going give my opinion, she either needs therapy or medication and therapy.
I’m confused, I thought she left?
I lived with my parents until my mid-thirties. I knew that I needed to contribute a monthly amount, as well as be respectful. Your stepdaughter is inconsiderate. If she wants to live without accountability, then she needs to move out. At the end of the day, we all deserve respect. If she can’t be bothered to learn then that’s her loss.
Nta
She already knows the rules and ignores them, your husband is a wussy. Give her a month to buck up or leave. Don’t argue with her. As for her crap left all around, throw it away. If it’s on the floor she doesn’t want it. If she cannot wash her dishes, then she cannot use any others. Don’t be a wussy, lay down the law YOUR WAY. She is an adult not a child. But you already know this. Be prepared for a war, but take the war to her, do not back down, your husband and you have done that for far to long, and look what it has got you!