I (34F) was diagnosed with infertility at 27. My husband (36M) and I made peace with it years ago and decided not to pursue IVF or adoption. We’ve built a really beautiful, child-free life together.
My sister-in-law (38F) recently found out she’s struggling to conceive and wants to start IVF. The issue? She and her husband don’t have the money. She asked us for a “loan” of $25,000, basically all our savings.
I politely declined and explained that while I understand her pain, we’re not comfortable funding such a huge medical and emotional investment for someone else.
She absolutely flipped. She said I should want to help her because I “of all people understand what it’s like to want a child.” She accused me of being bitter and punishing her because I “can’t have kids.”
Now the whole family is mad at me. My husband supports me, but even he thinks I could’ve been “softer” in how I said no.
AITAH for protecting our boundaries?
Comments
F her
Never loan money to family. You either give them a gift or you don’t. If the whole family is mad then start a go fund me and send them all the link. See how much $ they pony up.
Your husband should have told the cow no. His pasture, his bullshit.
You said what needed saying.
NTA
NTA. Nothing personal but your SIL and your whole family are being ridiculous right now. Who asks for 25k? You aren’t a bank and that’s all your money. I’m annoyed on your behalf. If your family is so invested in her fertility journey then they can cough it up. Tf…
>Now the whole family is mad at me.
Tell them to give her the money. Block those idiots.
Your husband is a mild idiot as well.
The nerve to even ask for such a sum. And by the way how entitled she behaves, it’s pretty clear you would very likely never get it back, because then you get accused of not doing enough for family.
They should work for it if they want that kind of money.
NTA
NTA – you don’t owe anyone your life savings
“I can’t punish you by withholding something you were never entitled to.”
NTA
That’s super entitled of her to assume you should loan her your entire savings, wtf? Doesn’t matter what it’s for. Rude and entitled.
NTA
NTA: Saying isn’t soft or hard. It’s simply no. NEVER LEND MONEY TO FAMILY. This should be a hard and fast rule for everyone.
NTA. How about “NOoooooooo.”
NTA. ALL your savings? Just because you don’t have kids doesn’t mean you should sacrifice what you have for her to have kids. You still need to protect for your future retirement and any health issues that pop up as you age.
Not TA for not wanting to lend it, but you should have just said you can’t afford it rather than phrasing it “well we’ve got the money but not for your baby” therefore ESH. Her for her reaction, you for the phrasing.
Absolutely NTA. Does your family understand that it can take multiple rounds of IVF to successfully carry a pregnancy to term? Are you supposed to just foot the bill for all of them? That’s absolutely unrealistic and inappropriate of them to ask. Not your responsibility nor your obligation.
Tell every family member who gives you shit about it that if they’re so concerned, THEY can give her the money.
Some states mandate insurance coverage for IVF, and various non-profit organizations offer grants and financial assistance to help with the costs.
It’s not like you have an extra $25k sitting around that won’t make a difference in your life if it disappeared completely. It is all your savings. What happens if you guys have an emergency situation?
If they cannot afford the $25k now, how do they purpose to payback the $25k after they (hopefully) a baby? Babies are expensive. Where is the extra money coming from if they don’t have it now but looking at increased expenses after they “borrow” it. And if they can’t get a bank loan for it now, they are in no position to “borrow” that money.
And if it fails, what then. How are you going to ask them for the $25k back when they are even more in despair & have nothing to show for the $25k.
You need to tell them “sorry but we just don’t have that kind of money to give or lend out”.
Don’t loan the money – tell your husband’s family to mind their own business or stump up the cash for her
If she doesn’t have $25k at 38 Y.O. to conceive a kid, how is she going to come up with the money to raise them?
NTA.
NTA
What kind of person asks you to give them your life savings, because they don’t want to adopt?
NTA
It’s your money. Not theirs.
But next time, don’t offer any explanation, other than “wow that’s out of reach for us”.
You are saving for your own purposes. That is 100% valid.
Time for the rest of the family to plan a fundraiser, pool their resources etc.
Having a baby is expensive too. If they can’t afford IVF, and they do it with your money and it ends up being successful (which you would obviously hope for)… I’m guessing it would be years before they could repay you, if ever.
“Donna, I didn’t feel comfortable about the financial impact of going through IVF for us to have a baby. Why on earth do you think I’d be comfortable making that hit to our futures for someone else?”
Really, it’s just plain illogical.
Honestly, she’s the AH and is out of pocket to ask you. She can go to the bank and ask them for a loan.
NTA. Your SIL’s emotional problems are her’s to deal with.
She can go to a bank. You are not a bank.
NTA. Tell the family to take up a collection for them if they think sister should have help.
NTA
Never, EVER loan money to friends or family.
Apparently your relationship with her is contingent upon money anyways from what it sounds. Which is also likened to prostitution
Simply block them and enjoy your day
NTA. There nothing wrong or harsh about the way you declined her request. Your reason was totally valid. No one should expect to receive another family’s entire savings for something they are electing to do.
25K, if your entire life savings isn’t a loan, it’s an anchor. What happens if your house burns down tomorrow. Sure, insurance comes through eventually but you need to make financial decisions right away. If the loan wipes out your bank accounts that’s not a good use of the money.
If your sister can’t afford the IVF, she absolutely won’t be able to afford to pay you back while raising a child. I think it absolutely sucks that finances prevent people from being able to raise kids…but she is not in a position to be raising a kid.
Absolutely NTA. How dare she?
Your husband should be as pissed off at his sister as you are for the things she said to you.
He can relay to his sister that there are specific loans out there for people who want to fund IVF treatments. A quick google or speaking with the fertility clinic should bring those up.
Although, his sister may not want to borrow money she actually has to pay back.
(I also love the idea of a go fund me for the family who is mad at you for not sacrificing your savings. Or I’m sure one of them can take out a second mortgage to “loan” sister $25k for treatments)
Nta family is
NTA – how do they know that you have funds? That is not something that should be discussed. I would have just told her; we don’t have that kind of money. Now they think you have that kind of money and are able to give it to them and won’t. You need to let them know that you do NOT have the funding they think. Your husband is right, the way you said it was wrong.
You are NOT wrong for protecting the money you have or your boundaries.
Kids are expensive. If it doesn’t work, they will want and expect more funding. If it does, then more than likely you will never see the money back. If you provided the funds, they would see you as the ATM.
Everyone is upset because they see you having that kind of money to spare, because you didn’t shut that down.
Family just volunteered to cough up 25k
NTA
“She accused me of being bitter and punishing her because I “can’t have kids.”” Neither can she. It’s why she’s there asking for money.
$25,000 is a lot of money to loan / give someone. You stated that for you, that is your savings.
Don’t give it to her. If she needs a loan, she can go to the bank.
Make a group chat with EVERYONE in that family & anyone who said anything about. Get the contact info as many contacts on both SIL & BIL’s families.
Announce to everyone, including the couple, you and your husband are GIFTING $1,000 towards the couple’s IVF fund and if EVERYONE participates, we can fully fund+ the current treatments and if they need further ones. Ask the message to be forwarded to any family left off.
Then post the Venmo screenshot you send SIL for $1,000.
They wanted to put you on blast that you wouldn’t give them money.
Lmao who asks for $25k. Go get a job and save for your own goals.
NTA
NTA. It’s not your concern.
NTA. Someone who hears no and goes on the attack is likely not ready to be a parent in the first place. That amount of money isn’t pocket change and if they aren’t in a position to have it now they absolutely won’t be in a position to return the money once they have a child to account for so as others said it’s not being asked as a loan it’s almost an implied gift. I can empathize with the struggle I know two women/couples who went through hell to have their kids and don’t wish it on anyone. The people acting like this isn’t a huge ask should be trying to find alternative funds not expect you to pony up the entire amount and pretty much know you’ll never see it again. The entitlement of every one of them is off putting but at least it’s showing you who will or won’t be worth your time.
You should ask your husband how much softer you could have been in saying no.
$25000 is a LOT of money…and even if you did give it to her and they did pay you back, it would probably be YEARS before they could. If their IVF worked, there would be expenses with her pregnancy and then further expenses with the baby. No, she can start a go fund me.
NTA, there is not soft way to tell someone NO when they ask for something you don’t want or can’t give to them. The fact that she got upset at your answer is more concerning than the ask. She had to know there was a possibility you would say no, or she would have just demanded you give her your money and would not have bothered to ask, wouldn’t she? You are not wrong or an AH for saying no. Maybe ask both your SO and your SIL if there is a softer way to say no and see what they have to say. If they come up with a softer way then apologize for not reading their minds before they even made the ask and see what they have to say about that, maybe?
No, you’re an idiot for giving her that explanation. “I’m so sorry. We just don’t have any extra money to loan. I’ll pray you find help — I know how important this is to you.”
Say no. Let her know you care — even if you don’t. She doesn’t need to know the rest, and she DEFINITELY doesn’t need to know you actually HAVE the money.
Right now, she is in the same boat as you and can’t conceive, so to say you are doing it to be bitter is a reach! Can you relate yes, but that’s all that should be expected!
NTA. Your sister in law has some gall asking you to finance her IVF journey when you didn’t get the same. Anyone who dudes with her needs to specify exactly how much they are contributing to the pot, otherwise they can keep their opinions to themselves.
Wow. Just wow. You don’t owe your sister anything and I’m especially appalled by your family being mad at you! I’m sorry she’s going through infertility but yikes, please make it crystal clear to these people that you don’t owe her anything, and that you refuse to discuss it further.
If “all the people” understand and the “whole family” is mad about it, then there are enough people to create a fund to pay for her IVF without you!!
While NTA, from now on, ONLY let your husband deliver all decisions (you make as a couple) to his family. Let his backbone be a buffer between you and your IL’s.
she was really hoping you’d give up 25k because you knew how she felt ?? Thats kind of manipulative in a way, no?
NTA
Why the fuck does she, and others, think she has rights to your money?
The only softer way to say no would have been yes. Your husband is a wuss and you’re NTA
Im super annoyed for you, and i am sorry. please do not back down from your boundaries just because the whole family is mad. 25k is a LOT of money to ask for someone, and the fact that she exploded and is angry about the fact that you won’t give it to her tells me how entitled she is. thats crazy.
NTA she needs to find her own very expensive medical procedures. There are loans for that…..
People don’t call their family members and say hey I need back surgery, can you front me 100k?
They were taking advantage because of your situation and mind frame.
How does she know you even have that much money? Never discuss finances
Tell them to move to a state with insurance that cover ivf. Massachusetts covers ivf.
[x] outrageous request
[x] Person who made outrageous request irrationally angry over a common response
[x] Entire family for some unexplainable series of events not only knows every detail, but are collectively furious with OP.
Even AI is getting tired of writing these stories.
She wants you to pay $25K for a “maybe?” Yeah..nope. NTA.
NTA
She will never pays it back, if she cannot afford 25k now, how will she afford the repayment when she has the kids PLUS medical bills? She probably will ask for help with college fund, mortgage for a bigger house and so on…. It’s never ending.
The relationship between you and her is due to doom anyway, one way or another, either she won’t pay you back or she will resent you for asking…. Why not just let that ship sink now, at least you will have the money still in your account, not hers.
NTA. Nobody is entitled to your money.
NTA….. for one thing, if it’s basically your entire nest egg, then you would have nothing left. Second, what are the chances, honestly, of you seeing that money again, even if it is a “loan”? My brother and I made an agreement years ago that if one of us needed money and the other one had it to spare, we’d give it freely with no expectations of getting it back. Because nothing destroys a family dynamic like money owed! Could you have let her down gently? Maybe?? Still, NTA. Your reasons are sound and that’s what boundaries are for.
NTA
You should have said “If you can’t afford IVF, then how can you afford to raise the baby after it arrives?”
Baby equipment, additional laundry, child care (or is she giving up work?), medical costs (especially if you are in the USA which I presume due to the $ sign), school costs, toys, food, clothing – it all adds up and may make the IVF cost seem minor.
NTA. Wow OP your family is a bunch of entitled jerks. Imagine being mad because one member of your family won’t loan another member of the family a large amount of money! And the audacity to even ask someone for that in the first place and then ‘flip out’ when they say no?! Smh.
If SiL needs a $25k loan, she needs to go to a financial institution and get a loan the way people with good credit do. If she doesn’t have good enough credit for that, it’s because she has a history of not paying her debts or they’ve assessed her debt to income ratio as not being favourable- in other words she probably can’t service this debt. Why the AF would you loan money to her if she can’t get it via a loan from a bank? If they think she’s high risk then multiply that 10-fold for a “loan” from a family member who she clearly doesn’t respect.
NTA. If she can’t afford the IVF she can’t afford to bring up a child.
NTA.
But YTI (You’re The Idiot) if your sister-in-law knows you bank balances. None of her business, and perhaps she’s fueling her improvident demands in part because she can argue you have all this money sitting around. She of course has no claim to fifteen cents even if you had fifteen million, but to avoid family drama, don’t share your financial details with anyone except your spouse and your cat.
Fertility clinics have financing options. Tell her to peruse that or get a job at Starbucks, which offers fertility coverage.
NTA. That is way too much money to loan anyone.
We are never responsible for how others react. If SIL “flipped”, this is her issue, not yours.
Fake
NTA, but you could have phrased it better. I’m sure right now your SIL sees that $25k as the only obstacle between her and motherhood, which is simply not the case.
As someone else pointed out, usually multiple rounds of IVF are needed over several years, and the chances of success are still minimal (depending on the kinds of fertility issues involved).
She has other resources she can tap, and if she doesn’t then it’s very sad but perhaps they’re not prepared to have a family regardless.
NTA…. While it doesn’t hurt to ask, thinking and telling people what to do with their money is entitled behavior.
Nope.
And no, “softer” crap either. It just opens up the discussion to whining.
No is no. No is the answer.
IVF is just a start, they can’t afford a kid.
You really don’t owe an explanation. No, we won’t be giving you our savings.
NTA. Never loan money to family or friends that you expect repaid. There is always a reason they can’t.
If they can’t afford it themselves they need to come to terms with the fact they may not have their own children.
NTA. Out of curiosity, how do they expect to pay you back if you did happen to loan them the money and the IVF was successful? Kids cost money and I hear the cost of having one in a hospital is pretty expensive too. IMO it’s inappropriate ask you and your husband to give up your savings for something that’s a gamble.
Then the whole family can give her money. You are not her personal bank. Nta