This is a long story & I’m going to make it as cut and dry as possible without leaving out details.
I know that this is a sensitive subject for some and I even debated posting but need an outside perspective as this is effecting my family. For context I am 27 F, SIL is 22 F and my daughter is 5.
This has been going on for a couple years now but my SIL (K) has been up in the air about who she really is. She prematurely got put on “T” and wanted to come off of it but got peer pressured into staying on it by the LGBTQ+ group she volunteers for. We have never been close as my husband is not very close with much of his family and we live quite the distance away.
Among all of these different personal changes for K she recently has been pushing boundaries a lot more with my daughter (E) and trying to do different things like getting E to call her uncle without our permission. While this was immediately addressed and we decided to take a step back from visiting until K has made up her mind on who she wants to be…this wasn’t the very last straw…My very last straw was when we were on FaceTime (because I’m not a monster and still want K in E’s life) and E asked K to please stop taking pictures of her. She actually repeated herself three times before I stepped in. K’s response was “Bubbas (what she calls my daughter because she refuses to ‘choose her gender or name for her’) if this is the only way I get to see you then I’m going to take as many pictures as I’d like”.
I. SAW. RED.
We said goodnight then and there. I told K that we needed space and I don’t want her around E in any way (FaceTime or in person) for the time being. K is now trying to victimize herself and tell everyone that me and my husband are “transphobic” and “homophobic” because we won’t let E call her uncle in the midst of her identity crisis and we’re terrible because “all she was doing was taking pictures for memories”. The issue was solely bc she was not respecting E’s boundaries!!!!!!!!!! At only 5, I am so proud of her for standing up for herself!!!!
Side note: we teach our five year old about the things necessary to keep her involved in today’s world. To keep her kind and compassionate. She knows some people have two mommies or two daddies. She knows some people use canes, wheelchairs or dogs (etc) for extra help. She recognizes people are different but doesn’t treat them as such. She doesn’t know the transwoman that walked by us in the grocery story was born differently and doesn’t bat an eye at the two men holding hands in front of us. There is so much kids soak up and I don’t want to confuse her sponge brain with all the different ways someone can address themselves or identify as. My husband and I are semi-old school but still respect people of all shapes, sizes, colors, genders etc. I don’t even need to sit here and try and convince Reddit because I know who I am, how big my heart is and what I believe in! I just need some friendly advice on where to go from here? AITAH for taking a much needed break from K? Did my response to her disrespect of E’s boundaries warrant the name calling? Help! Is there an easy way to have a civil conversation with someone who doesn’t have an open mind about literally anything? I’m worried it’s going to start causing a tear between me and MIL or BIL.
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Backup of the post’s body: This is a long story & I’m going to make it as cut and dry as possible without leaving out details.
I know that this is a sensitive subject for some and I even debated posting but need an outside perspective as this is effecting my family. For context I am 27 F, SIL is 22 F and my daughter is 5.
This has been going on for a couple years now but my SIL (K) has been up in the air about who she really is. She prematurely got put on “T” and wanted to come off of it but got peer pressured into staying on it by the LGBTQ+ group she volunteers for. We have never been close as my husband is not very close with much of his family and we live quite the distance away.
Among all of these different personal changes for K she recently has been pushing boundaries a lot more with my daughter (E) and trying to do different things like getting E to call her uncle without our permission. While this was immediately addressed and we decided to take a step back from visiting until K has made up her mind on who she wants to be…this wasn’t the very last straw…My very last straw was when we were on FaceTime (because I’m not a monster and still want K in E’s life) and E asked K to please stop taking pictures of her. She actually repeated herself three times before I stepped in. K’s response was “Bubbas (what she calls my daughter because she refuses to ‘choose her gender or name for her’) if this is the only way I get to see you then I’m going to take as many pictures as I’d like”.
I. SAW. RED.
We said goodnight then and there. I told K that we needed space and I don’t want her around E in any way (FaceTime or in person) for the time being. K is now trying to victimize herself and tell everyone that me and my husband are “transphobic” and “homophobic” because we won’t let E call her uncle in the midst of her identity crisis and we’re terrible because “all she was doing was taking pictures for memories”. The issue was solely bc she was not respecting E’s boundaries!!!!!!!!!! At only 5, I am so proud of her for standing up for herself!!!!
Side note: we teach our five year old about the things necessary to keep her involved in today’s world. To keep her kind and compassionate. She knows some people have two mommies or two daddies. She knows some people use canes, wheelchairs or dogs (etc) for extra help. She recognizes people are different but doesn’t treat them as such. She doesn’t know the transwoman that walked by us in the grocery story was born differently and doesn’t bat an eye at the two men holding hands in front of us. There is so much kids soak up and I don’t want to confuse her sponge brain with all the different ways someone can address themselves or identify as. My husband and I are semi-old school but still respect people of all shapes, sizes, colors, genders etc. I don’t even need to sit here and try and convince Reddit because I know who I am, how big my heart is and what I believe in! I just need some friendly advice on where to go from here? AITAH for taking a much needed break from K? Did my response to her disrespect of E’s boundaries warrant the name calling? Help! Is there an easy way to have a civil conversation with someone who doesn’t have an open mind about literally anything? I’m worried it’s going to start causing a tear between me and MIL or BIL.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
The fact that they’re trans is irrelevant, your daughter asked them to stop, and they didn’t.
The fact that your 5-year-old had to ask THREE TIMES to stop taking photos and was ignored is so disturbing. You’re teaching her that her voice matters… that’s amazing parenting.
Nta. This isn’t about the identity of SIL. Man or woman, gay, straight or any other label, isn’t the issue. Your issue was the lack of respect for boundaries. They/she, not sure what their preferred pronouns are, can try and make this about their identity but then you need to bring it back to the point: boundaries. Don’t let any change the narrative of the situation.
Your daughter didn’t want the pictures taken. That should’ve been respected.
NTA. You’re a good mom!
I have to say I’m proud that none of the comments are focused on making this about discrimination. That’s the red herring. Your daughter has agency over her own body. Just as your AFAB sibling has the right to agency over their own body. Your sibling felt that their desires override your child’s comfort. That is never ok
Sounds like SIL is weaponizing the situation in to a “have cake and eat it too” situation.
This has NOTHING to do with their identity crisis or journey, and I wish them well on it.
I can understand you not wanting to confuse your daughter with Aunt and Uncle titles changing, so maybe find a suitable neutral term (like how there’s a million variations for grandparents)
HOWEVER, the matter here is about YOUR child expressing HER boundaries, and an adult in her life she is supposed to be able to trust is dismissing it as if their feelings don’t matter, in order to fulfill their own selfish needs.
SIL is in the wrong here…. all the way wrong, and trying to deflect her responsibility by implying it’s because you don’t accept her.
Even her response of “if this is the only way I get to see you” is out of line – you don’t put that kind of weight on a child.
NTA your daughter asked K to stop. Not once, not twice, but three times. K refused and then K tried to justify the boundary stomping by saying “I hear you but I’m going to do it anyway because it’s about what I want.” Literally none of this is about K’s identity and all about K refusing to respect your daughter. The end. K is trying to make this about something else because she knows she’s wrong and she needs a reason to justify her behavior to others.
You did what any parent should do and respect and protect their child. Because her requests matter too.
My kids only let me take pictures if I don’t post. If I do, I always ask first, just like I do before taking pictures. Just because they’re kids, doesn’t mean they don’t deserve that respect. Nta. K sure talks a lot about supposed disrespect for someone who can’t respect your daughter’s wishes
NTA this isn’t about K being trans. This is about E making a boundary and K crossing it to her face. They basically told your daughter, “I don’t care what you want, I’m going to do what I want.” If anyone behaves that way with my kids, they can take a fucking timeout from being around us. How do you navigate it? I would just make some space for a few weeks and don’t make it about K’s gender identity. This is entirely about K not respecting a direct request from E about taking pictures of her.
Just because someone is in a disadvantaged group does not give them license to be an a**hole. However K wants to identify, they violated the boundaries of a five year old. How does anyone condone that? Removing them from your kid’s life has sh*t all to do with who they are and everything to do with their disrespectful behavior. They can come back when they can be respectful.
The only part of this post that matters is that they’re violating your child’s boundaries and right to consent. That’s a big problem and a valid reason to refuse to let them be around your daughter.
The rest of the post is irrelevant and transphobic.
Nta nope your the mom. What you say goes.
She/It/They wouldn’t ever have contact with my daughter if she/it/they can’t even call her by her name. That alone is enough. Your Whatever in law can’t bitch about not having contact when she keeps pushing boundaries.
You and your husband need to make a joint Facebook post. Something along the lines of
“Some of you may have heard one of our relatives calling us homophobic and transphobia. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. We have cut contact with them because they refused to respect our child’s boundaries. And until they give her a genuine apology, they will not be allowed any contact with her. If/when she chooses to apologise to her, husband and I will decide if we want to allow them to spend time with our child. We are working very hard to raise our child to be kind, loving and respectful of other people. And one of things we are teaching her is respecting boundaries. And we would be bad parents if we don’t respect her boundaries or allow someone to disrespect her boundaries. So until things change on the aforementioned relative’s end, they will be denied access to our child. We will protect her above all else, as parents should”
Her being trans or not, isn’t the issue. She needs to respect people’s boundaries and she isn’t. That is the problem
K is disrespecting your boundaries, and at the same time, she is demanding respect for her own. That’s not reasonable or realistic.
Wild how K wants their wishes respected and boundaries not to be overstepped, yet they showed blatant disregard for E’s boundaries. Kind of a double standard
Their trans identity is irrelevant. What is relevant is K’s refusal to listen to your daughter’s ‘no’ or call her by her name.