I (26F) am engaged to my fiancé (28M) and we’ve set our wedding date for next May. We booked the venue months ago, sent save-the-dates, and everyone has been excited… except my SIL “Clara” (30F, fiancé’s sister).
Clara has been struggling with infertility for years, and she and her husband are now pursuing IVF. Recently, she called me and asked if we’d be open to pushing the wedding back, because her doctor wants to start her next round of IVF around the same time as our wedding, and she “doesn’t want to be bloated, sick, or emotionally stressed at a wedding when she should be focusing on her baby.”
I was polite but firm and said unfortunately no, we’d already booked everything and it wasn’t fair to ask us to reschedule a whole wedding. Clara started crying and said I was being selfish and “rubbing my happiness in her face.”
Later that night, my future MIL called and asked if I’d reconsider “for the sake of family harmony.” I said no and added that Clara’s fertility journey, while hard, isn’t my responsibility. She’s been sending me guilt-trippy texts since.
Fiancé is 100% on my side but says maybe I could have worded it better. AITAH for shutting it down so bluntly?
Comments
Why does this feel fake? Waiting 10 months to try a round of IVF? Seems like bs.
NTA. The world doe NOT revolve around Clara. Glad to see your fiancé is 100% behind you.
NTA .. I would have replied in stronger terms to SIL & MIL .. along the lines of “ you’re having an f’ing laugh , of course I’m not changing the date”
This is your fiancés responsibility. Not yours. Have him deal with his family. Sternly
I do feel a firm hand was needed on this one, but keep in mind that infertility is loss, broken dreams, desperate hope, financial burden, strains on relationships, and so much more. Not saying you should cave on the wedding date, because that’s not reasonable to expect you to change the date and all the reservations, and hope that maybe next time, SIL will be more prepared for someone else’s special day. But you could have been kinder in the wording.
NTA, but just keep in mind that just “infertility” doesn’t even begin to cover what a person deals with and could use some more sympathy.
“Great! Sure I’ll move the date. I’ll just need checks from both of you to cover all the schedule changes and rooms and flights the guests have already booked. Cool?”
Nta stop engaging in this convo and make your husband answer them.
since she isnt pregnet yet i would not change my plans its you wedding and if she is prgenet thats not your problem and since they are only trying it might not work plus your plans are already made and lots of pregnet women go to weddings and some even are brides maids
Another “for the sake of the family” story. C’mon, people! Let’s find a different AI story writing prompt already!
I have friends who are doing IVE right now. You don’t wait TEN MONTHS for a next try. That’s nonsense.
Uncreative writing, Paige bait or AI bullshit.
IVF is stimulation for the first cycle then pick up (about 14 days later) and, depending on FSH level ICSI and a fresh transfer, or ICSI, Incubator, Pn4/Pn6 freezing, then thawing and cryo transfer with the next cycle.
There is no 10 months or whatever wait or delay and it cannot be planned that far ahead either due to cycle impacts of FSH stimulation.
Nta.
Y tf is your husband not wording it better to them???
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Next time either SIL or MIL bring it up, simply say. “We have already discussed this, the answer was no then and it is no now. Bring it up again and both of you will be disinvited. You decide right now what is it going to be, respect our decision or miss out on your son/brothers big day.”
“Clara started crying and said I was being selfish and “rubbing my happiness in her face.””
She’s already married, it’s not like you scheduled your baby sister for the day of an infertility appointment she already had.
Right. Because you wouldn’t lose all your deposits and then have to make new ones. It isn’t as simple as picking another day, and that’s not how IVF happens either, so either this is fake, or everyone involved is stupid and doesn’t understand how things work. So yeah, pretty obvious NTA and probably not even real.
I don’t get the happiness thing when the SIL is also married. You’re NTA. And why is it going to start at that same time?
NTA
Finance needs to be on the phone sorting out his family. You shouldn’t even have to deal with any of this nonsense.
YTA for fake rage bait
NTA She can’t push the shots off for a month or two? I definitely call bull. If this is real she fears you will get pregnant before her
Seems fake. She scheduled IVF to start in May? Next May? Mid-2026? Why on earth? What possible reason does she have to schedule it so far in the future, and not be able to move it around at all?
Is she pregnant now? Ok, you have your child then, lady. And pregnancy isn’t the most predictable thing, what if she miscarries? And no time for her uterus to recover in-between? Not gonna adjust to motherhood at all? This is the only reason I can think of.
But ok, let’s pretend it’s real and valid, for the sake of debating ethics.
She sounds weak, IMO. I’ve been through multiple rounds of IVF, it doesn’t keep you from attending social events or weddings. Uncomfortable? Sure. Reducing you to invalid status? Hardly. The concerns that actually caused scheduling issues for me were whether I’d be able to take my temperature sensitive injections during the event. Does the venue not have a fridge or something? I’ve done the whole, “retreat to the parking lot and take injections in the car” thing before, it’s inconvenient but doable. And if nothing else, show up, then leave early. No one’s asking her to be a bridesmaid. Or MOH. Just a guest? You can leave early if you must or feel that unwell, omg.
Hell, I attended a baby shower a week after my miscarriage. People were like, “Are you ok?” Why wouldn’t I be? Other people are allowed to be happy, and honestly, it feels nice to be happy for other people’s success.
“Rubbing your happiness in my face.” She’s the AH just for that. NTA. Grow the hell up, lol.
sure you could have handled it better: you could have told your fiancé that HE is the one who should be telling his family the two of you can’t change wedding dates for his sister’s hypothetical issues. The way in-laws come to hate the person their family member married is exactly this: they ask you and judge you from your response. Let them ask him (let him TELL THEM to ask him) and let them judge HIS response. They’ll probably blame you anyway, but still.
NTA, Your wedding plans are about you and your fiancé, and it’s okay to keep the date you committed to. Infertility is incredibly hard, but it’s not your responsibility to rearrange your life around her treatment. You can be compassionate without sacrificing your own plans.
NTA. But now you also have a relationship problem because it’s not your responsibility to handle this. Your fiancé is responsible for handling his own family. He should stand up for you, and lay down the law with everyone that you are not moving your wedding day because of someone else’s decisions. The SIL sounds very selfish and entitled.
The fact that he’s not stepping up to the plate and having your back on this now, and he’s allowing you to be the bad guy with his family, and get guilted by everyone, is a bunch of BS. If you continue forward with this relationship, this will be the rest of your life. Every time his family is unhappy at you, it is going to turn into a war with everybody trying to guilt you and he’s not going to step up to the plate to handle them.
This is what we call red flags, and you should pause and consider if this is kind of life you want for yourself. Because if they are trying to talk you out of your own wedding date because someone else has emotions and bloating, what else are they going to try to talk you out of in the next 50 years? Are you going to have to plan all your children’s birthday parties around his family? Family holidays will likely be a drama every year. What happens if you end up pregnant before SIL? Are you going to have to downplay your whole journey to accommodate her? It sounds like nobody cares about you guys, your time, your money, or your plans. That’s not great.
You say he’s on your side 100% but he has not shut this down. He has not stepped up and told them this is decided and it’s final. He’s allowing them to continue to guilt you. That’s not cool.
100% is him addressing everyone involved directly to say the wedding will be on the date it was scheduled for. That you hope everyone will choose to attend, but if they feel unwell or uncomfortable, they are welcome to sit out, no big deal, and that neither of you will be discussing it further with anyone outside of your partnership.
A lot of people feel bloated, sick, and emotionally stressed for a lot of reasons and still go about their life. They go to work. They care for their families. They attend events. If she’s too fragile to handle that, that is fine. She knows her limits. But Then she needs to say no to attending the wedding and stay home and take care of herself. She doesn’t get to ask you to reschedule for her. This is her choice now. She can attend or not. The end.
But now you need to stop worrying about her and go sort out the mess in your own relationship. Because any partner who is letting his family hound you and guilt you repeatedly is still not truly standing up for you the way he should be. Having to run to Reddit for true support seems like a sign. My guess is that he is supporting you to your face, but not behind your back with his family. You should talk this out, so you know what to expect from him in these types of situations going forward, as I’m guessing there will be a lot more of this in upcoming years.
Good luck.
If your fiance wants it worded better he should be handling this.
No, life serves us all a bit of a thrashing along the way, expecting you to not only be sad but to postpone things you’ve got lined up to babysit a moody child is a rather petulant move at best…
Live your life and expect jealousy to unveil itself in the most peculiar ways…
Congratulations to you anyway, and for her I wish her luck, but that’s all that can be done here…
NTA. Shut it down from jump.
NTA next time they try to guilt trip you I would respond by saying that the only way you will cancel and rebook is if they pay the cancel fees considering you will have to pay that and then pay again for rebooking something you can’t afford to do.
i’m curious what better wording would’ve sounded like. i hope for your sake he really is 100% behind you. i’ve ready too many stories on reddit about feckless husbands who should’ve actually married their mothers based on how they treat her vs their wife.
You had me at the doc scheduling IVF for TEN MONTHS from now. Do better with your fake details in your fake story.
Nta – you should ask your fiancé of any other life events their sister has tried to become the main character in?
NTA-But why are they talking to you? This is your future husband’s problem to deal with not yours. He needs to tell them to back off.
Why on Earth are you having this conversation with your fiance’s family? That makes it seem very fake. They can take it up with him. If you really believe he is 100% on your side.
And what if her treatment gets delayed by a month or two? Perfectly feasible. Will she expect you to move the wedding again, at short notice?
nta
As someone who has gone through IVF, you don’t blame rounds 10 months out. Fake.
You’re only mistake Here was you should have had your fiancé handle the situation. It’s his family and he should’ve been the one to shut his sister down and his mother.
So now he needs to nicely call both of them and make it very clear that it’s a joint decision, not just yours, and that it stands.
I don’t know if it’s fake or not, but in every such story the person accusing the OP of being selfish is the one being selfish. Every time.
NTA, you should have told your mother in law the same thing you told your future SIL. That everything is already booked and hat you were unable to change the date. Even if a person is being an a-hole or entitled never mention their infertility. Next time have your husband deal with his side of the family.
I’d ask if they plan on paying all the fees associated with moving the date. They’re the ones who want it moved, they pay.
NTA. Tell your MIL and SIL that you will agree to change the date if they pay you upfront for the total cost that you will incur for changing the date change.