Last weekend my older sister invited me to her housewarming party. She just bought her first home with her boyfriend, and it’s been her dream for years, so I was genuinely happy for her. She told me to come casual and that it was just going to be snacks, drinks, and a small group of family and close friends.
When I got there, I realized it was actually more of a fancy dinner party. Everyone was dressed up, the table was set with name cards, and there was a full three-course meal being served. I felt completely underdressed in my jeans and sweater, but I tried to brush it off and not make a big deal about it.
Here’s where things got weird. When it came time for dessert, her boyfriend got up to thank everyone for coming, and then my sister stood up and said she wanted to honor the guests who supported them most. She started handing out little gift bags to a few people at the table. Each one had a bottle of wine and a personalized thank-you card. My name wasn’t called. Neither was our younger brother’s.
It was awkward because everyone else at the table turned to look at us, and I just smiled and clapped like it didn’t matter. But honestly, it hurt. I’ve been there for her through so much, helping her move twice, lending her money when she was short on rent, even watching her dog for weeks when she went on vacation. I didn’t expect anything in return, but being singled out as one of the only people not acknowledged in front of everyone felt humiliating.
When I got home, I sent her a message saying I was happy for her but that the way she did the honor thing felt hurtful. She replied saying it wasn’t that deep and I was making it about me. She also said she couldn’t give something to everyone and picked people based on who helped most during the house purchase process specifically, not over the years.
I haven’t replied yet, but now I’m wondering if I overreacted and made her special night about my feelings.
AITAH for feeling slighted and telling her so?
Comments
NTA. You don’t single people out and gift them something during an intimate event, neglecting others. That’s rude. Your feelings are valid. Don’t respond. The message will be received. Make a mental note though.
So did you help her during this process?
YTA. It was about those who helped with the house, and the housewarming party was a thank you. You are making it about you.
I don’t think you’re an asshole for having your feelings hurt. It’s weird that you were told the wrong dress code for the gathering. It’s weird to pass out “party favors” in front of everyone if not everyone is getting said gift. What is the age gap between you two? What is your history like? Did you help at all with her house buying process or moving? Her behavior is weird but I don’t have enough info to call either of you an asshole.
NTA. Your sister excluded you, and your brother, for some unknown reason. And intentionally misleading you on the nature of the party was weird. She’s holding some type of animosity towards you.
My baby shower was last weekend. I gave small gifts to my mom for hosting and my MIL and close friends for helping. It was specifically for their help with that event, not my entire life. However, never in a million years would I present the gifts in front of the rest of the guests. That’s beyond weird
NTA. If she wanted to thank only house-buying helpers, she could’ve slipped them a note, not turned it into a weird awards ceremony where you were forced to clink glasses while everyone side-eyed you.
I admit the dress code thing is weird but I can’t think of a reason she would want to single you out so I think she was probably trying to make it seem like a low stakes event for you. I guess I doubt it was malicious, did you talk to your brothers?
Fake post. Reported
Sounds like there’s something more going on here and her response on the call makes it even more suspicious. I’d not bother contacting her for a while and see what happens. NTA
NTA – She is not grateful to you and your brother because she expects you to help (Because… family!). You were slighted and she does not appreciate you, so stop helping out so much (if at all). She will get the message.
Who the heck is pretentious enough to have a fancy dress up housewarming parry? The fact that she told you the wrong dress code and then did the whole gift thing seems like she was trying to make you feel as singled out as possible. Just don’t offer any help in the future.
NTA she FAILED her first housewarming party by making at least 2 of her guests feel left out with gift giving thats just a shitty thing to do in front of other guests and even the guests felt uncomfortable 😳
She didn’t just leave you out of the “thank yous”…she purposely didn’t tell you about the dinner/dress-code! She sounds like an entitled bitch.
Get your parents good and mad about it and then sick them on your sister. . . I didn’t see that part in your post and this isn’t complete without the “now the parents are involved and spreading blame” aspect of this post. . .
Nope, first she deliberately misled you about the formality of the dinner. Then she neglected to thank you. Basically she is sending you a message – “ I do not value you, I do not value your support.”
If you ever agree to help her again with anything, you are a gullible fool.
I may be wrong, but I thought a housewarming party was where people came to view the house, had a little food, and people gave gifts for small things you may need around the house. It seems she’s trying to impress a wealthier crowd she didn’t grow up with. I know you called her, but if you’re able to would have a face to face conversation about how deeply it hurt you, and this way she can actually see the hurt she’s caused as well. I’m sorry, my sister and I are really close despite being 11 years apart and my heart would be broken if she did this. The one doing the hurting doesn’t get to decide that they didn’t hurt you/ hurt you as deep. I’m sorry she did this to you!
Does your sister have a grudge against you? Not only did she have you come underdressed, but she deliberately and pointedly excluded you from her thank yous.
And if she can’t give something to everyone, she doesn’t make a public display of giving gifts to some.
You may not have helped her with buying this house, but your support over the years surely helped her and her boyfriend, and she changed it after the fact.
I wouldn’t do any more favors for her. She can ask the people she deemed worthy of her thanks.
NTA
You are absolutely entitled to be hurt. Now you know how much all of your life contributions were valued. Wow, sister is immature, ill-mannered, and now you know, as adult siblings, how much she doesn’t value your assistance and contributions.
Life lesson. Give because you want to. Know it is not appreciated, and you’ll expect nothing in return.
You can avoid the hurt and decline future invites. Sister has shown her colors and it is not a pretty picture!
NTA. Stop helping her. She knew exactly what she was doing when she excluded you. It sounds like she’s very entitled and expected you to do even more. From now on, do nothing for her.
NTA- your sister first did her very best to embarrass you by not giving you the dress code and telling you it was ‘casual’ when it clearly was not.
Next she left you out pointedly in her gratitude speech and gifts.
Then when you tell her how you feel she brushes you off.
This person does not respect you or like you much. If I were you I would rethink how much I would want to invest in this relationship and focus on people who do like and respect you.
I don’t blame you for feeling slighted. Don’t help her next time, and tell her to ask one of her honored friends.
Updateme
I think it was reasonable to tell her how you felt.
Since it was a housewarming party, Her response that this was focused on people who helped her with the house purchase also makes sense.
NAH
Pretty easy … stop doing anything for her
She did it on purpose , like not telling you the dress code that was obviously planned
who has a housewarming party like a wedding reception? Craziness. Don’t buy into it.
NTA … You had your say, promptly and rightfully. Let her asshole response hang in the stink air and go no contact until she wises up with an apology. What does your other brother think about her snub? — For what it’s worth, I think buying a house with only a BF (not even a fiance) is not even close to wise. You sister may be just an ungrateful dumb fuck.
OP, your sister is tone deaf, insensitive, and self centred.
Sounds as though shes yet to experience a lot of growing up, (let’s hope.)
IME, this is not a relationship ending crisis, but, it’s useful information. ❤️ I’d keep this event tucked in my back pocket, not to throw up in het face or use against her in any way, but for the information it provides and the relationship views it implies. You sound like an awesome sister!! ❤️
YTA it’s not your party, you don’t get to cry if you want to. Everyone doesn’t get a participation trophy.
She purposely left you out told you to wear the wrong clothes. What is she so jealous about or is she just that caddy. You need to stop doing things for her. Be perpetually busy. No I can’t watch your dogs. Don’t cater to her because she’s only using you she doesn’t seem to have a heart. You don’t have a dinner party and give out stuff. My gosh could have gotten a bag and put a $5 bottle from bath & body works or whatever. It would be the symbolism that mattered more than anything. I guess she doesn’t appreciate what you do or she feels entitled to it.
NTA, I’d also think long and hard about any future help you give. Remember, you won’t receive a thank you.
I guess I’m petty. For future birthdays, and gift giving occasions, including hostess gifts, I would always give her an inexpensive bottle of wine. Grocery stores carry cheaper wine than “wine and spirits” stores. Leave the $7.99 price tag on the bottle.
NTA. What she did was extremely rude and shitty to every person that she didn’t give a gift to but especially to you and your brother. She sounds like a mean girl. Who gives gifts to SOME of the people all sitting together? What is she, a middle school bully? That’s unreal. Its true, everything we need to know we learned in kingergarten.
NTA
I’ve been through this exact thing just a different scenario. And it’s especially tricky with family. So here are my suggestions:
Don’t mention it again or complain to your brother or your parents.
Just be calm and smile and act natural with your sister.
Focus on yourself and pick up or pursue new hobbies.
Now. It’s gonna be an inevitable that your sister will contact you to assist with all the things you’ve helped before. Except helping her with her mortgage. (We hope. 🤞🏻). So, focusing on yourself and pursuing new hobbies or even an extra part-time job or a few college classes. The point is you’re kind of playing the long game. You need to set yourself up to where you have an easy simple excuse to not assist with all that you’ve ever done for her. And if anything new comes up that she is reaching out, you can either leave her on read if she texts and then you can respond hours later. OR, give yourself a few minutes to formulate a response and simply decline the assist based on several things you have going on in your life. You can be vague you don’t have to explain yourself.
THEN. Because you know it’s gonna come up. Your sister is going to remember how she slighted you and your brother. And she’s gonna accuse you of holding a grudge. Stay calm and simply remind her that you do have an independent life from your siblings. And that whatever is in the past is in the past. Then ask her what grudge you should be holding against her cause you are confused by that statement.
Make your sister explain it. And when she does, remind her of her own words. “It’s not that deep. Not everything is about you.”
Then gently remind her again that you are carrying a different set of responsibilities than her, and you are not able to assist her at this time. And more than likely, you’re gonna have to say this; “Sis. I’m an independent person. I do not have to explain myself to you.”
Tell her you’re sorry she feels that way, but the conversation is over.