I come from a big family. We are 5 siblings,2 sets of twins(50F-my sister (her twin died in utero),47M-me and my brother,42F-my other two sisters). We are taking about our biggest one.
My parents were really careful to not parentify him because they both had the same fate in their family. They took good care of us,all of us have fruitful and satisfying careers. The problem is(at least for my sister) they didn’t push us there. They encouraged but they never had the expectation. This was a problem for my biggest sister. She always found them “lazy and unmotivated” and she limited contact with us after she graduated law school. She has become a really successful lawyer,married to a renowned surgeon(who is my friend from medical school,a really ambitious guy who is also a real OCD) and had his son at age 32 via IVF,it was all planned.
After she had her son,aka my nephew,she started to push him really hard. She was trying to make him read at age 2,she sent him to piano lessons from age 4 and had 1-1 tutors since he was first grade. He was never allowed to have free time and every moment of his life was curated. The only time slot he had was Saturday afternoon and where he would visit my parents and we always planned events and free time for him.
His teenage years was absolute hell. He was forced beyond his capacities by my sister and BIL and when he was 16,he tried to commit suicide at the hospital BIL works at by stealing benzo from the nurse counter. After that,he had a good time in the inpatient ward(5 months in ward,3 months in a group home) and after that,he wanted to stay with me(I am the only one from my siblings who does not have a kid and I live with my husband in a three store villa so he can have the roof to himself)
BIL had an awakening and he divorced my sister after this. Him and nephew had a year of family therapy and last summer he moved in back with BIL and he also decided to pursue medicine. (I don’t live in US,medical school starts directly after high school and it is 6 years).
During that time,my sister really dug into her heels. She blamed us and my BIL for letting him to be “weak”,she said he was alive and he had to endure this so he could become “resilient and untouchable”. She said in the court : “I don’t care he feels bad,this is life,you either climb the ladder or you fall down. If he fell down there is nothing we can do,life goes on.” I never saw someone to look with pure anger like the head judge and he said “You are a really successful lawyer,I should give you that but you are really a terrible person and a being that can’t be called a parent.” and turned to my BIL and said “You need help,a lot of help.”
Last January,my sister had a mini stroke(TIA) and she genuinely started to think about her life as I understood from my brother,who is the only one of us that checks up on her and last week,she tried to reach to my nephew but he directly said he did not care she was alive or not. When she tried to talk to me about that I briefly said “What were you expecting sis?” and closed the call. Now all of the family calls me an AH and they think I should have supported her.
Comments
Sounds like your sister was more concerned with molding her son into a perfect image for her own ego than actually being a loving and supportive parent. You did the right thing by not sugarcoating the truth and holding her accountable.
It sounds like you’re caught between difficult family dynamics. While your sister’s actions seem harsh and damaging to her son, your response may come across as dismissive, which is why your family is upset. You might not be wrong in your feelings, but perhaps a more compassionate approach could have been helpful, even if it’s difficult to feel empathy for her. Your sister has clearly hurt her son deeply, and while you have your reasons for feeling frustrated, showing support could help in healing the family, even if it feels undeserved.
NTA
In the area I live, there’s a ton of pressure being put on some kids, to the point where there are somewhat frequent self-harming incidents involving trains. Super sad.
NTA. You’re right and you were right to tell her so, she shouldn’t be expecting any other reaction.
That expectation alone is proof she hadn’t actually changed, she just wants to make sure there will be people crying by her side at the hospital bed.
Oh well.
It seems karma is already doing her work here, it’s best not to get in her way. Let it be.
Honestly after everything she put that kid through, her having a mini-stroke is probably the least of his worries. She reaped what she sowed plain and simple. I’d have said the same thing
NTA
You told the truth and she needed to hear it. You just simply stated the obvious that’s it
NTA. She treated parenthood like a boot camp, and now she’s shocked the recruit went AWOL. Actions have consequences, even for top-tier lawyers.
Just because she had her ‘awakening’ doesn’t mean everybody else has to forget about the before. NTA
NTA
NTA. She just wanted something to brag about to her friends.
Ask those family member what they think he owes his terrible mother who drove him to suicidal and then said he was weak?
Less than nothing.
And really, what did she expect?
NTA
She’s been watering that garden for the boy’s entire life. Did she really not see she was drowning the flowers?
She wasn’t interested when her son almost killed himself, he had to “function”, now that she is the one who almost died, why should he care?
OP NTA
Updateme!