About two months ago, I discovered that my fiancé (now ex) had been lying to me for almost our entire engagement. He told me he had paid off his debt, that he was financially stable, and that he was ready to build a future with me. In reality? He had tens of thousands in hidden credit card debt, had taken loans from friends, and was gambling behind my back.
When I found out, I called off the wedding immediately. I didn’t ask him to explain himself, didn’t give him a chance to fix it. I just told him that trust is everything, and he broke it beyond repair.
He did the usual I’ll change, I did this for us, I thought I could fix it before you ever found out. I didn’t engage. I told him we’re done and blocked him from everything except email (for practical final arrangements).
Last week, I ran into his dad when I went to pick up some stuff I had left at the house. His dad cornered me in the driveway and said he was deeply disappointed in how cold I was being, that real love is about forgiveness and sticking it out through hard times.
He told me that his son was just trying to build a life for us and that he had always struggled with money but never meant to hurt anyone.
I stayed calm and listened. Then I asked him, “Why do you think lying and manipulating someone you claim to love is acceptable?”
He told me that relationships are about sacrifice and that I should have stood by his son to help him become a better man.
I looked at him and said, “Maybe if you hadn’t spent your life bailing him out of every mess, he wouldn’t think deception is love. You taught him that lying is a normal way to get what he wants.”
He turned red and called me heartless, said I’d regret giving up on a good man over a few money problems.
I’m not taking anything from him. I don’t want his money or his house. I just want peace. But somehow, in his father’s eyes, I’m the villain for refusing to play the savior.
AITAH for calling out his dad’s enabling instead of just walking away quietly?
Comments
NTA
Your ex fiancé wanted to stuck you with half of their debt, and FIL is angry that now he has to bail your ex out.
NTA. You told the truth and his dad needed to hear it. You may never convince the dad but you need to call it what it is. Protecting your peace isn’t heartless. It’s the smartest thing you can do.
NTA for cutting him off.
But did the dad actually say that he bailed the son out? Or did you assume the dad bails him out? If you are assuming, without evidence, that Daddy bails him out, then YTA for accusing Dad of it.
NTA. You didn’t shame, just told the truth and if the truth stings, that’s on him, not you. He raised a grown man who thinks hiding debt and lying = love?
NTA. His dad cornered you, criticized you, and defended lying as love. You calmly told the truth, that enabling raised a man who equates deception with affection. That’s not cruel, it’s clarity. You owe no one silence to make them comfortable with dysfunction.
NAT.
You don’t owe anyone silence, guilt, or forgiveness just because they’re uncomfortable with accountability. You didn’t abandon someone , you refused to build a future on a lie.
You chose peace. Good for you.
NTA
And you’ll be soooooo glad you got out of this before getting married! My ex was like this, only I didn’t discover it until after we were married. By the time I’d finally had enough (10yrs married), I discovered over $40k of “joint” debt + another $12k to the IRS because he hadn’t been filing taxes (for 4yrs!) & they take that stuff pretty seriously. I was able to get through it (paid the IRS, filed bankruptcy on the rest) & scratched my credit score back up to a good point. I’m doing OK now (I even bought a small house).
Once the anger passes, you’ll probably go through a few other stages of a grieving cycle. But don’t ever look back & DON’T go back! You dodged a lifetime of stress!
Wishing you a brighter future!
NTA.
That man will drain the absolute life out of you and your finances.
NTA, dude. You dodged a massive bullet there and props to you for calling it like it is. Dude needs to learn to grow tf up financially and emotionally. It’s not your job to fix a grown ass man. Maybe now he’ll finally learn. srsly, screw that ‘stand by your man’ bs when he’s hamstringing ur future with dishonesty. I totally feel ya, sistah 🙌 You deserve way better! GL on moving forward and hope you’re doing fine. 💕👏
NTA. you were out there with FACTS
Nah you’re not the AH at all. His dad raised a grown man who thinks lying is love and manipulation is romance. You didn’t break up over “money problems,” you dipped because you were being deceived for months. That’s not cold, that’s self-respect.
your ex fiance is an ADDICT, and until he wants – and gets – help, nothing will change.
His fathers dismissive / enabling attitude is a big part of the problem.
I just read a post with almost the exact same beats, but the OP was a woman whose husband cheated on her and her MIL who always excused her husband’s cheating got an earful about teaching her son that cheating is okay and the wife will always stay from her. Other than the MIL/FIL flip, it was eerily the same as this.
NTA. Iirc money problems is the number one reason for divorce. So him saying “a few money problems” is naive.
You can’t take his money. He doesn’t have any. He’ll lose his house soon enough. It’s best you’re not involved with him, or else his debt becomes yours, too.
It’s not your responsibility to help him with his faults. His father is just looking for someone to take over the babying.
fake post, previously it was about cheating partner and mom teaching it’s okay to cheat because it gets forgiven no matter what.
NTA, and you are my hero!
NTA. Dad wanted to transfer his savior role to you.
YTA for this fake story. This is literally a copy and paste of another post where the husband cheated on OP and the OP said to the mother (who’d stayed with her cheating husband) essentially the same thing.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1lxcek4/aitah_for_telling_my_stb_ex_mil_that_shes_the_one/
NTA – Tell your EX FIL that it’s not the money that is the issue. It’s the lying about it, and hiding it.
>He turned red and called me heartless
Ex future FIL is only bummed out that he’s going to have to keep bailing out his darling little boy for the foreseeable future. He thought he’d shoved all that onto you. You’re NTA.
NTA. My ex got his claws into all my money (not that I had a lot) and next thing you know, after 20+ years we were married, I found myself and my daughters packing our bags b/c we had been foreclosed upon. This was the last straw, what with him being alcoholic and beating me up and all that wonderful stuff.
Save yourself before you get in the same position. He broke your trust and that’s unforgivable. You’d never fully trust him again, that’s for sure.
That’s no basis for a marriage.
NTA. Clearly Dad set a low bar in terms of accountability
You did the right thing by standing up for yourself. Calling out enabling isn’t heartless—it’s honest, and sometimes people need to hear the truth even if it’s uncomfortable. Protecting your peace isn’t selfish, and you’re not responsible for fixing someone else’s patterns. You deserve honesty and respect in any relationship.
OMG so NTA! Thank you for being one of the smartest people on here. You acted with intelligence and honesty. Your reasoning is sound and logical. His dad is simply upset that you held a mirror up to his actions. Unfortunately he will continue making excuses for his son. So many on this forum have similar situations and come on here to ask how to fix the situation. This right here is how you fix it, you leave and don’t look back! Well done you!