I honestly don’t even know where to begin. This has been building up for years, and I’m just… so tired. So, I grew up mostly with my dad after my parents split. My mom is still in the picture we talk, we visit when we can, and even if we’re not super close, she’s my mom. She gave birth to me. She raised me when I was little. That means something to me. Anyway, my dad remarried when I was like 11. His wife my stepmom has always been around since then. And yeah, she’s done a lot. Helped raise me. Took care of the house. Took me to school. All that. I get it. I appreciate it. I really do. But lately, it’s like she wants more than that. She keeps saying weird stuff like “I’m the one who was really there for you” or “You know I’ve done more for you than your real mom ever did.” And I’ve let a lot of it slide. I really tried to just brush it off. Keep the peace. But the other day, it got worse. We were having dinner me, my husband, and her and she brought up again how she hopes I’ll “finally acknowledge” that she’s my “real mother figure” and “stop pretending that my bio mom still holds that role.” Like… excuse me? I looked at her and said, “You’re important to me.
But I love you differently than I love my mom. I’m not replacing her. I’m not putting you above her. You’re not the same.” And y’all she lost it. Started crying. Said I was ungrateful. That she’s sacrificed so much for me. That she’s always treated me like her own. And yeah, I know all of that. I never denied it. But does that mean I have to erase my actual mom? Now my dad’s pissed. My husband is trying to stay out of it. And she won’t even look at me. I’m sitting here wondering if I could’ve worded it better. Or maybe just stayed quiet to avoid all this drama. But like… I’m not gonna lie to make someone else feel better, right? I don’t even know anymore. AITAH?
Comments
NTA. You handled it perfectly. You’re a grown ass woman with a husband. She needs to accept her place in your life, which is an important one.
Yes you are. Apologize. And then go read Cinderella. You’re step mom didn’t have to do anything for you and your egg donor phones it in.
NTA but this is more a problem your father caused by not checking her.
You need to chat with him and have him deal with her. This is emotional manipulation
Why was she saying these things? Did something happen or something come up?
I dont think youre an AH at all but it seems really odd to just go in on this all of a sudden.
NTA. Love isn’t a competition. She’s being manipulative demanding you replace your actual mom.
NTA you were completely within your right to set boundaries and clarify your feelings, it’s important to honor your relationship with your biological mother while acknowledging the stepmom’s role without letting her diminish what she doesn’t fully understand…
NTA, she seems jealous of your moms role in your life if im honest
It sounds like your Stepmom feels like she isn’t being acknowledged. You say she did a lot for you and was loving – perhaps celebrating what she has contributed towards your life would be positive.
It’s completely fair to view your mom as your mom, while viewing your Stepmom as something different, but it’s also fair that would hurt the woman who feels like she raised you and loved you as a daughter.
If you value the relationship, make it clear that you love her and value your relationship deeply – no matter the title.
I feel like there is a lot to this story that we aren’t getting. Like, your step mom would not just state those things. I’m guessing you’ve been treating her pretty poorly, and anytime she tries to parent you tell her she’s not your real mom. And finally, you just told her that you didn’t love her. Meaning, you are not appreciative. I’m also guessing, since you live with your dad, that your mom is the fun parent. YTAH here, I have no doubt.
NTA at all. You’ve shown respect and gratitude over the years. But she crossed a line by demanding you erase your bio mom to validate her. That’s not fair to you, your mom, or even herself, really. She needs to deal with her own feelings without dumping them on you.
Maybe share this post thread with your dad?
Step mom crossed the line numerous times by telling you she’s better than your mom. Unless you hated your mom, those kinds of comments build resentment and erode love
NTA. You have a mother. the title “mother is not up for competition – your mother is your mother, your step is your step. She needs to accept that. The rare cases where a child calls their step-parent “mother” or “father” happen when
a. the real parent is absent, abusive or long deceased, and
b. the child wants to give the step-parent the title of parent.
It can’t be forced, and in your case it’s completely inappropriate.
NTA. Your Biomom was there for 11 years, sm for 8. Bio still wins.
Gentle judgment: NTA. But please consider this perspective too.
I’m a stepparent myself, and I want to say upfront that you are not the asshole for being honest. You did not insult her or minimize what she did, and you were clear that you love her in your own way. You are allowed to have boundaries and to tell the truth about your bio mom’s role.
Reading this as a stepparent, though, I can see why it hurts her so badly. Being a stepmom is often a really thankless position. You end up doing a lot of the real “parent” work like school runs, meals, late nights when they are sick. But you rarely get the full “parent” respect or love in return. Society does not grant it automatically, and kids understandably do not always feel it, especially if they have an active bio parent.
When she said she hoped you would “finally acknowledge” her as your “real mom,” it was needy and overstepping. But it probably came from years of wanting so badly to feel validated for what she has given. It is painful to pour so much in and feel like you will never be enough.
That does not mean you should lie to her or pretend she is your bio mom. You should not. And you did your best to tell the truth kindly. She reacted badly, and that is on her. You were honest, not cruel.
If you want to understand where she is coming from, and maybe figure out how to talk to her about this in the future, I would really encourage you to read some posts in the stepparents subreddit (r/stepparents). A lot of stepparents there describe exactly this heartbreak: doing the work of a parent but always being reminded they are not really Mom or Dad.
It does not make you wrong. It does not mean you owe her a new label you do not feel. But seeing it from that angle might help you approach her with a little more empathy when this settles down.
You are not the asshole. You told her the truth, and you tried to be gentle. That is all you can do.
But you are both in a tough spot with no easy answers.
As a step mom, this is literally why I’d rather nacho.
While you’re NTA- it does suck that step mom has been around while bio mom just pushed you out.
People always comment how men are just donors, well in this case sounds like mom was just a vessel.
Kids are encouraged all the time to recognize fathers who step up bc the donor didn’t do as much but here we are putting the women who stepped up back down in her place bc the vessel is still there.
I’m a stepmom. Real mother has narcissistic personality disorder. Doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter how much I did or still do, I am not the mother. Don’t want to be the mother.
She was way out of line. I am a step mom. I love my kids so much, as if I gave birth to them. Their mom is not really in the picture. Very absentee. But I still would NEVER say that to them or try and push my way into a role that is not mine. I let them set the rules for our relationship.
What did your dad say or do?
No way, you’re not the asshole here. You were straight-up honest, respectful, and just drew a line. Loving your mom and stepmom differently? Totally normal. Doesn’t make you ungrateful, just real about your feelings and what’s happened between you. She might feel hurt, sure, but that doesn’t mean you’re in the wrong.
NTA. You still said that you cared but still want to acknowledge your bio-mom as your mom, your stepmom just sees herself as your “real mom” just because you lived in the same house. She needs to take a step back and look at things through your point of view, if your bio-mom was out of the picture I would get your stepmom a little more but she is in your life and you are a married adult. Stating boundaries does not make you the AH.
Has your stepmom done more for you than you bio mom ? I’m not saying replace her but I think she wants more acknowledgement
NTA. For some reason, she’s trying to alienate you from your bio mom. It also seems like she’s putting conditions on your relationship, which parents should NEVER do.
If you would like to continue a relationship with her, it might be a good idea to sit down and discuss it. That you have the ability to love her AND your bio mom. That it’s ok she has a different role and it doesn’t mean you don’t love her or appreciate what she did for you as a child.
NTA! It sounds like she is looking for security from you, which is not her job as a (albeit step) parent/caregiver. The way you’ve written it here sounds very considerate, and it’s very much not appropriate for her to has your mom.
Nta
Wtf she’s crazy
NTA. You handled that with more grace than most people would. She’s not your mom. that doesn’t mean you don’t care about her, it just means she cant erase your actual mother. She made it about herself.
UpdateMe!
As a stepfather…you could have worded it better. But NTA.
Why not lie to make her feel better? It sounds like she put in a lot of effort for you, and she didn’t have to. She wants some validation. That’s all.
Speaking as a child of divorce & multiple remarriages, I don’t see where you went wrong, to elicit such a response. You acknowledged her role in your role, and you reminded her that you have a mother, and that she has a role in your life as well.
I’m curious as to WHY this has become so important to your stepmom?
As for keeping quiet, no. This would have happened eventually anyways, better today than tomorrow, IMHO.
Where is your dad in this mess?
NTA
Stepmom here. I would never try to push anything onto my step kids, even if their other parent is an alcoholic narcissist. One teenager has already gone no contact with the other parent. My wife and I were talking about child support and the math tells us that I pay more per week than child support covers in a month.
On the other hand, stepmom has a point that she probably has done a lot for you. And not acknowledging that openly to her might be what hurts. How do you celebrate her birthdays? Mother’s Day? Holidays? Sometimes things can get lost in the day to day.
Example: tween goes to therapy. Other parent wants to take tween to therapy so that the therapist knows tween has two involved parents. Spouse: 1 appointment. Other parent: 0. Me: 2 appointments.
Years of the above scenario can make someone feel so unappreciated when the person that it’s done for doesn’t recognize it. As a kid, you don’t. As an adult, you do. Think of concrete examples that your stepmom has done for you. And then ask yourself if your biomom has ever shown up for you in the same way. Because reading between the lines, she hasn’t.
NAH. But your stepmom needs to learn the truth.
NAH
I feel like your stepmother did all the motherly stuff and feels insecure because no matter how much she loved and took care of you she would never hold that role to you. It must be hard for her. I think good stepmothers are often only left in the role of doing the hard stuff while feeling like nothing to the kid they raised.
But that it’s not your fault becauw you were just a kid AND she is still not entitled to be given the role of mother. You have your own mother. But perhaps, if this is a relationship you feel inclined to keep, could show her in some way she is important and you are grateful to her.
I feel all the people who claim “she is nothing” “how dare she” are just extremist.
NTA you were way more mature and constructive than I would have been. I literally don’t think you *could* have worded it better.
You are right that everything she ranted about makes her a good stepmom, which is a fine thing to be. It is sad she is so ungrateful for the bond you do share. It is also a shame that none of the other people in her life love her enough to gently check her. She needs therapy and space.
Stepmoms be crazy sometimes! Luckily I got mine older than you. But I ended up homeless for a bit when dad’s house had 2 extra empty rooms. (My dad is the one not to get involved) Years later now on good terms with everyone. She takes care of my dad so I appreciate her. I think you said the right thing but you could add that when you see her next.
She’s trying to push something that doesn’t exist and your dad be mad about it. He needs to really get over it how you feel how you feel you could be appreciated and grateful but that doesn’t mean she’s taking your mom’s place. Maybe it’s best if you just stay away a little bit until she gets the idea that she’s just not gonna get that place in your life. It might even get worse when you start to have children.
She sounds selfish and self-centered. Why on earth does she care this much, at this point in all of your lives about this? People are fucking weird.
She put you in a no win situation. She is asking to rewrite history. That cannot be done. NTA.
Decent stepmothers realize they are not a replacement mom & will always occupy the role of Dad’s wife, no matter how much your steps love you. A well-adjusted woman won’t find that threatening. She’ll just be happy to be part of the family & make peace with her role, doing the best she can in the best interest of everyone involved.
So why does she need that weird validation? Are y’all talking about getting pregnant or something?
NTA. You have a mother and it’s not her. She needs to understand reality. If she truly loved you like a daughter she would not be pushing for you to zero out your mother. Real parents who love their children don’t do that.
NTA. Some of these comments make your bio mom sound like a deadbeat, which I don’t think she is by your description. She raised you when you were little and you still have a relationship with her now. Even if stepmom has taken on the mom role once she was married to your dad, she wasn’t there for the first 11 years of your life and she doesn’t get to replace your mom, even if your mom was totally absent. You’ve stated that she’s important to you, that should be enough. Your stepmom needs to stop pressing the matter and recognize that her role in your life is different than your mom’s role and that’s okay. You can love them both and in different ways. She needs to accept that.
I was about to suggest that she’s being extra emotional because she is considering legally adopting you.. but then I read that you are going with a husband…
Your step mom needs therapy. She is your step mom.. and you have a bio mom. You do not have to put on over the other.
Why does she keep saying those things? Does she feel unappreciated, or is she jealous of your bio mom?
I don’t understand what shes wanting here? A parade? Gifts from you on Mothers Day? To go no contact with your Mom and put her name on your birth certificate? What is the end goal here besides a meltdown and destruction of relationships?
NAH – I can see this from both perspectives. I don’t think she is asking you to cancel your feelings for your mother, but to acknowledge that she did step up in a place where your biomom didn’t. That’s a lot of work that she put in.
You didn’t ask her for that work, but your father did.
There’s enough space for both. You didn’t need to reject her in order to communicate that.
Someday you may be in a position where you have to care for someone you are not biologically related to. Could be a child, could be elderly. Life is long and full of surprises. And it absolutely sucks to work and sacrifice for someone who doesn’t appreciate or even acknowledges the role, they’ve put themselves in to make your life better.
You talk to your mom, sure you love her, no one ever said you didn’t. But the day to day raising is the actual work of motherhood. She just wanted to be recognized for that, but you’re too immature to see it.
I’m not technically a step mom but I love my bf’s kids as if they are mine. I came into their lives after they were adults, but I didn’t come in trying to take over as their mom. Their mom is still in their lives (I wish she wasn’t, she’s a vile POS) As much as I don’t like biomom I don’t talk badly about her, they know she’s horrible but what I can’t do is replace her. As much as I wish they were mine, I didn’t give birth to them. What I do is love them, I love my grandchildren (their kids) and I’m the best bonus mom/grandma I can be. They come to me when they need advice, they come to me when they need anything really, they love me. What matters to me is my relationship with each of his kids, I don’t care who they love more it’s not a competition. It should be their mom – she raised them. When their mom tried to come in between my relationship with their dad and them, I didn’t fight with her, I went to them and checked in with them. Ask them how do we fix this issue, their response – don’t listen to our mom – she doesn’t like we are close to you and tried to manipulate a fight between us. I don’t need them to think of me as Mom, all I need from them is for them to know and feel loved and supported by me and they do. To all stepparents, you can’t replace a bioparent even POS ones, you carve out your own relationship and focus on that.
Nta. A real parent’s love isn’t about receiving it is about giving. Giving of love. I think you can’t change how you feel but I think that she probably feels under appreciated which is understandable. I think as an adult you should think about talking to her and listening to her. And she should do the same. You do not need to agree about anything but understanding each other’s points, like explaining that it makes you uncomfortable when she says this in front of people, is important.
Nta. She needs therapy. Badly.
NTA.
Talk to your dad. Tell him the truth. Of course you love your stepmom and appreciate her. But just because he divorced your mom doesn’t mean you did. She’s your blood. She’s the one who was there for the first 11 years and if it had been up to you she’d have never left..
NTA. I’m a stepmom of two wonderful women. Their Mom passed away a few years ago, and I am so sad for them. I wish she was still here. I have never tried to take her place, because I was a step kid too. I’ll never do to them what I didn’t want done to me.
She never should have compared herself to your mother in the first place. Voicing that to you is very cruel.
It sounds like she wants to be the main grandma when the kids come.
She handled this situation all wrong, but I get where she’s coming from. She did all the work as the mom, and she took what you said as saying that it all didn’t matter and that you still love your real mom more.
What you said wasn’t wrong, but I can see where she might have taken it like a dagger to her heart. She loves you like you are her biological daughter, but you don’t feel the same.
Have you read the Reddit stories about the step dads that raise the daughters and do everything for them, loving them as their own, but then the daughter wants the deadbeat bio dad who did absolutely nothing for her for years and years to walk her down the isle at her wedding that the step safe is paying for? How do you think those dads feel?
NTAH. You weren’t disrespectful. And you’re not a psychologist. It sounds like she has some serious issues to work on. Needing validation from a grown step child that you’re a worthwhile human being sounds very insecure and emotionally immature.
My children are in their 50’s. Their step father raised them from the age of 2 and 5. He got appreciation and love from me. He never tried to force anything with the kids. Do they appreciate all he did? Not enough. Have we ever confronted them about it? We did not. It’s their issue and their problem to work through.
It sounds like you have an overall good relationship with your step mother and you’re sorry she’s hurt. It’s ok to tell her that.
If she loves you like it doesnt matter, then yea. If its in response to her over stepping boundaries no
NTA. end of day her actions intentionally or not were posed to create a faction between you and your mom. It’s important to set that boundary and you did so while paying respect to the role she has had in your life and how you care and appreciate her for that