I (35M, white, raised Protestant but basically agnostic now) live with my wife (32F, Latina, raised Catholic) and our 4yo son in a 3-bedroom house I inherited from my dad. We have one spare bedroom.
My mom (67F) has smoked forever, has COPD, and her health is sliding downhill. After my stepdad died in April she’s been alone and broke. I told her she could move into our spare room so I can keep an eye on her. She doesn’t have anywhere else to go and I feel like it’s my responsibility.
Here’s the problem: my wife, without telling me, already promised that her parents could move in once their green cards came through. She said it was only “until they got on their feet.” But that would mean bumping my mom out of the room I already offered her.
I told my wife I can’t rescind that offer, especially with my mom’s health. My wife says it’s unfair that I’m “refusing” her parents when I’m letting my mom stay indefinitely. She says her parents did everything for her, sacrificed a ton, and I should be willing to give them the same chance.
It’s not just about the room. My wife was excited at the idea because then our son could “know his culture” and her parents could help take care of him. But my in-laws are very traditional and extremely Catholic. They’ve already said things like our son should “grow up properly in the faith” and “know his real culture.” They’ve called my cooking “not real food” and once said our son should think of himself as Mexican, not white.
My mom isn’t perfect either, but she mostly stays in her lane- she doesn’t try to override us as parents. She’s told me she doesn’t like their habits (like leaving dishes in the sink overnight) and she’s worried about them hovering over my son.
So whoever gets that room isn’t just a guest. They’ll be around my son every day, shaping what he hears and sees. Between my mom (who’s sick but not pushy) and my in-laws (who insert themselves constantly), I’d rather my mom.
When I told my wife this, she blew up and accused me of being ashamed of her culture, of being xenophobic, of trying to block her parents from their grandson. She said I was hypocritical for letting my mom move in while “refusing” hers. She told me if I don’t follow through on her promise, she’ll never forgive me for making her choose between her family and our marriage.
Meanwhile, my mom doesn’t even know this is up for debate. If she found out she was “displacing” my wife’s parents, she’d never move in out of guilt.
So now I feel stuck choosing between my mom who’s sick and needs help, or my in-laws who sacrificed everything to come here but would completely change the atmosphere my son grows up in.
AITA for not letting my in-laws move in, even though it means choosing my mom over hers?
Comments
You’re not an AH for protecting your home and your son’s environment. It’s completely reasonable to prioritize the parent who is sick, dependent on you, and mostly stays in her lane. Promises made without consulting both partners can’t override the practical and emotional realities of your household. This isn’t about culture or loyalty, it’s about who can live there without creating conflict or stress for your family.
ESH you both suck for independently promising your shared space to your parents. the way you regard her parents is weird, y’all should’ve had the culture and religion talks ages ago. your mom sounds like she will need caretaker attention (if not now, eventually/soon/escalating) and that’s a hell of promise to just be making in conflict with your wife’s wishes
Some sorta communication breakdown here, walk it back, tell the parents to shut up for a sec, talk it out
maybe regroup and talk to the three adult tenants about rent and get a bigger home or something
Your mom is sick, broke, and has nowhere else to go. You already promised her the room. Your wife had no right to make promises on your behalf. That’s not xenophobic, that’s just honoring commitments and looking after your mom. Her parents can figure it out like every other immigrant family has.
Your mom was there first. So sad, too bad.
ESH .. Ever heard of communication? There’s a real lack of it here .. sit down and talk to each other , then the other parties .. life changing decisions are a joint discussion
ESH
You both suck at communicating. Before making any promises you have to discuss it with your spouse first. You both made promises without discussing it first.
I’m curious. How long is “just until they get on their feet”? If it is only for two or three months, could you wait to bring your mom in? If it is longer, then there needs to be things put in writing including rules. What (if anything) will they be contributing to the household? Free babysitting?
Now my soapbox – Mexican is a nationality. Hispanic/Latino is an ethhnicity. Your child’s race is Caucasian and so is your wife (most likely European Spanish) unless they have Native American ancestry. My personal pet peeve when people say Hispanics/Latinos aren’t “white”. There are many colors and traditions to the Caucasian population just like other races.
So it sounds like neither of you communicated about inviting your parents to live with you. I hate to say this, but as long as we have the current administration, I doubt your in-laws green card is going to go through any time soon. Your moms situation takes precedence, your inlaws still have each other. Perhaps you can convert another part of your home into inlaw quarters or bring in a manufactured home to your property.
ESH for making promises without speaking to each other first.
If your mom is sick having your son make those memories will be priceless. Her parents can find another place to leave. At least they are a couple and will have one another.
Both of you guys yta the first and most important part of marriage is communication. Both of you made decisions without talking to each other.
I like the idea of extended family living together. I truly could never live in that reality. How does a couple solidify as parents if others are always there? How do parents create new traditions for their family if the older generations are interrupting? Just not for me.
Also if my partner promised a room in our house to their parents without discussion – it would be a sign that communication broke down so far that we would need a marriage counselor
You, a white ex-Protestant, married a Catholic Latina without talking to her about how your children would be raised? without talking to her about her relationship with her parents and her family, and what that means for you and your children?
I wish that mainstream white Americans had more of the sense of family that Latinos have; basically, one doesn’t marry just the person, you marry the person’s family, to a much greater extent than with mainstream Americans. BTW, I know what I’m talking about – I broke off an engagement with a Latino because I realized I didn’t want to be part of his particular family.
It’s also not clear if you talked with your wife before you promised the room to your own mother. Lack of communication seems to be a problem all around.
NTA. Your mom has a life threatening health issue while your wife’s parents just want to move here and are healthy. You inherited the house from your Dad so it is expected that you help take care of your mom. Besides, you are only moving one parent in while she is moving two. Let her help them rent a place rather than move them into your house.
You should not have promised the room to your mother. She’s sick because of her lifestyle. You expect your wife to take care of her. YTA. In addition her inviting her parents without discussing it with you is also wrong. Your wife should not be expected to take care of your mother. Your mom should find a small condo or something and your wife’s parents do the same. You should be focused on raising your child. Parents are suppose to take care of children. Your mom can come visit but shouldn’t be there 24/7
Not letting? YTA for thinking it’s your decision to make. The two of you are going to have to figure it out together, preferably without asking strangers on the internet to tell you that you’re right and she’s wrong.
ESH – Both you and your wife made major commitments without consultation or agreement. It seems like you might have a crowded house for a little bit, which will be good motivation for the guests to find other housing.
This is a tough situation everyone does kind of suck here but your wife is being a bigger ah. Your mom is sick and needs care and you want to be there for her. And your wife is weaponizing her culture and trying to make you look bad. This is coming from a catholic latina.
Of course each of you will feel more comfortable with their parent(s). It’s totally natural! Why not put your mom in with your son and her parents in the spare room? One big, happy, inter-faith family. What could go wrong? Maybe you should get everyone in the room and flip a coin fairly?
Can u get a camper or something for the back yard
ESH except your kid: you & your wife for promising your spare room without consulting your partner, your IL’s for thinking they have any right to override either parent in someone else’s family home or anywhere for that matter, and your mom & your deceased dad for not planning their end-of-life situation without relying on their kids. Choices are: 1) neither gets to move into spare room & the whole argument is moot, but you 2 supposed adults (you+wife) grow TF up; 2) you divorce, each prioritise their parent(s) & let the court decide all else, 3) work together to find a solution acceptable to all. I doubt you can do it unless you both grow TF up, but who knows.
I mean… My daughter married someone from a much more communal family and that’s just how it is. you married her, that’s her whole family. i think you need a bigger house. no way is it fair to have your mom but not her parents.
Do you have another room you could use non-traditionally as an extra bedroom for wife’s parents—a den, office, family room, formal dining room, basement or garage that could be converted? A row of 6-7ft bookcases can make a partition wall.
NTA
At the end of the day, you have to protect your kid from indoctrination. Culture can be celebrated, without involving harmful fairy tales.
Okay, here’s my suggestion:
Talk to your wife. Bring up everything your ILs did, every time they overstepped or insulted you, etc.
Tell her that your mother requires medical help.
If you can afford it, tell her you guys could help her parent by renting something close by so they are still in touch with the kids and with you, but aren’t living in your home.
Latinas, as far as I know, often live together in big multi-generations unit. So for her it might not be a big deal. Also, I would suggest some couples therapy because it’s fucked up she said she will never forgive you for making her choose between her family and your marriage. Your marriage should always take priority as you’ve created a new family and have kids.
Updateme
Your wife doesn’t sound very traditional ( submissive). Are you the man of the house or not?
You both screwed up. Either both get a room or neither get one. Get your kid to sleep with you and your wife, give their bedroom to your in-laws, and give the spare to your mom.
Or you can move in with your mother and start playing the guilt game with your wife. At least that will mean you’re serious about taking care of her.
You’re both the AH.
They are coming to retire in your dime OP after all the sacrifices they made so their daughter can marry abroad…
I think you got way more ground here to offer room to your mom. But are you also ready to be her caregiver she ll probably need one. And you got no ground to ask your wife…
While you and your wife should have discussed this ahead of time, IMO your mom should get the room because she needs it most. She lost a spouse, has no where to go, and needs help due to health issues. If you turn her away, you may end up resenting your wife and in-laws.
Your in-laws have the potential for two incomes. They don’t need to live with you, they should be able to get their own place, provided they get a green card in the current political environment.
The red flag here are your wife’s accusations toward you, and her threat of never forgiving you for making her choose between her family and her marriage. Um, you and your child are her immediate family now that she’s married. Her immediate family should come first before her parents, siblings, anyone else. It sounds like she’s not really on board and there are still a lot of religious and cultural hurdles in this relationship.
Seems to me like your wife married you for the citizenship.
Nta
Who invites their parent or parents to come and LIVE with you before discussing it with their partner first? The answer both you and your wife. That’s just asking for trouble.
I get your Mum is ill but having her live with you affects your wife and son also. Therefore it should have been discussed before offering. Visa versa your wife should have discussed having her parents come and live at yours with you before offering. It’s not rocket science.
You both need to re think your own actions and do better in the future.
In the meantime both your Mum and your wife’s parents need to make other arrangements. Your wife needs to explain to her parents that she made the offer of them living with you without your knowledge and at the same time you had made the same offer to your sick Mum. So in order to be fair. The offer to both sides needs to be withdrawn. You need to explain the same to your Mum.
After discussing this with each other first maybe you could say that both sides will be invited to stay over for the odd week / weekend so your son gets to know and spend quality time with both sides of the family.
Let this be a lesson for your future- communication is key.
In answer to your question: both you and your wife are AH’s
Do you have a big backyard that maybe you could buy a tiny house and put it in there?
Updateme
>My mom (67F) has smoked forever, has COPD, and her health is sliding downhill. After my stepdad died in April she’s been alone and broke. I told her she could move into our spare room so I can keep an eye on her. She doesn’t have anywhere else to go and I feel like it’s my responsibility.
>Here’s the problem: my wife, without telling me, already promised that her parents could move in once their green cards came through. She said it was only “until they got on their feet.” But that would mean bumping my mom out of the room I already offered her.
>I told my wife I can’t rescind that offer, especially with my mom’s health. My wife says it’s unfair that I’m “refusing” her parents when I’m letting my mom stay indefinitely. She says her parents did everything for her, sacrificed a ton, and I should be willing to give them the same chance.
ESH. And your wife can’t rescind hers, especially with reasons. You both did the exact same thing, your ancillary arguments are both silly compared to the situation you’re finding yourselves in, and you both need to back off and come to a mutual decision.
By all means your in laws sound like a Pandora’s Box that doesn’t want to be closed, so I can well understand your extreme irritation that your wife has opened it without you. That your wife doesn’t respect your opinion that that they are not people you want close at hand is its own problem.
You also seem to overlook that a very similar same thing is true about your mother who is in failing health.
You will both get absolutely nowhere fast if you hold to the notion that the other person is not being reasonable. Naive and careless, certainly. But not unreasonable.
Maybe I’m an ah for seeing it this way but it seems to me like since the house was inherited from your dad you should get to make the decision. I know you’re married and it’s her home too but still
Wow. By way of background, I am an older (71 year old) guy from New Jersey who married a considerably younger (now 43 year old) Hispanic woman 16 years ago in Belize. We have a 14 year old son, and four years ago we moved full time to Belize (Central America).
We don’t have the type of parent issues that you describe. My Mom died back in 1977, and my dad in 1994.
My wife’s father walked away when she was a few months old and her mother died in 1994 when my wife was 12. They say it takes a village, and that it true in the case of her and her seven young siblings.
Despite these differences, I understand the issues of family. When I was growing up in the 50’s, we took in my Dad’s sick mother, and she was with us until she passed away in about 1960. Small house. My brother and I shared the third bedroom, and she was beloved.
My mother’s parents were fiercely independent. They wouldn’t have moved into our house at gunpoint. Mom’s Mom died in 1962, and Mom’s Dad (who was still going strong) died in a fire accident in 1966.
Why do I tell you all of this?
First, because I don’t understand why OP’s mother (despite her COPD) needs to move into her son’s house at 67 years old. I know everyone else’s health and wellbeing are different, but at 71 I can’t imagine any set of circumstances in which I would move in with one of my kids (I have an older one living in LA who is 36). My Dad had COPD and lived for 15 years after he was diagnosed. Unless OP’s mom is close to terminal, moving her into the OP’s home is not primarily a medical decision, but rather one of wanting to be close to his Mother. Which isn’t a bad thing, but let’s be honest- she could be there for another 15 years.
A few comments suggested that OP didn’t inform his wife of the invitation in advance. If this is accurate, that is a shit thing to do. If my wife were to invite someone (including a parent) to move in with us without talking with me first, I would be apoplectic. It would instantaneously change our lives from being independent adults to caretakers for what could amount to decades.
Second, however, her inviting her parents to stay in the house without asking him first is the same sin. How long is “until they get on their feet?” Apparently they already have their Green Cards (Not sure how, but it takes a long, long time for a US citizen or US permanent resident to successfully sponsor their parents for permanent US residence from Mexico- about ten years the last time I looked). So why wasn’t this discussed a long time ago?
Bottom line? How did this happen? Both OP and his wife wanted to move one or both of their parents into the only extra bedroom, without bothering to mention it to each other.
Damn. I thought our family put the fun in dysfunctional, but I am impressed.
Good luck. You’ll need it.
It sounds to me as though you expect your wife to be your mother’s caregiver. And, you’re allowing a smoker to be around your child full time. She isn’t a long way from assisted living. COPD will only get worse.
You two are on a dangerous path here for your marriage and parenting.
Damn .. sorry, but your wife sucks 😡
Yes, YTA. She sucks too for the same reason – promising something as big as living with your family without another partner’s consent. You don’t like your in-laws and your wife’s culture? Why did you marry her then? As a mother she has at least equal say in your son’s upbringing, more if she’s the primary parent. She likely isn’t a big fan of your mom too, and if your mom is still smoking, living with her is bad for your child’s health, plus your mom is sick – are you going to handle all her health issues yourself or will your wife be expected to cater to her? The right answer is to help parents with rent and not move anyone in.
ESH
Who would be caring for this ailing smoker you want to move in? Your wife? Without even having been consulted?
Your mother, just from the fact she smokes with a condition like COPD, lacks responsibility for her own health. Moving her in would also put your child’s health at risk.
Her parents also sound like quite an experience.
Nobody should be moving in. Your wife isn’t the solution to your mother’s problems.
Both of you are so so wrong, for starters, though I’m guessing this is obvious now, neither of you should of promised the room to anyone before talking to eachother. As for your son having more of his Mexican side of the family around would be good for him, his literally surrounded in your culture and talking from personal experience it’s difficult being mixed race in a majority white environment. I don’t think they should be allowed to push their religion on him but definitely be good to have them around for him to learn the culture because if the Latino community is anything like the Black British community he’ll always feel a lot more welcome there than around the majority white community his growing up in. As for living arrangements can’t your mom stay put until wife’s parents have got themselves together and find their own place. If not than in my opinion your mom wins as she is on her own with health problems, as for the wife’s parents are there no other family or friends close by they can stay with? Or better still making sure they have a house arranged before they get there even if it’s just a temporary short term rental until they get something more permanent after all their stay with you was only supposed to be temporary anyway and if they aren’t even there yet surely they’ll have time between now and when they get their green cards to make other arrangements. Hopefully your wife will see that your mom is the one more in need but you may have to come to the compromise that no one’s parents are staying with you if you don’t want a war zone for a home.
ESH. you both promised the room to someone / your respective parent(s) and didn’t communicste it before. now you are battling who deserves it more / who is in the right.
if you can’t find a solution maybe don’t let any party in this room. not your mom nor her parents.
You both are YTA. Your mother is going to need a career & COPD is horrible declined state of person & it literally takes 10 years off there life. You didn’t say when she has it since. Your wife parents are unlikely to be let in to USA in current administration.
Nta
A sick person being given help, who will not try and impose a culture your son (by your wife’s choices) is not part of, trumps, interfering racists who pay no respect to your son’s mixed ethnicity and the culture you and your wife have chosen to bring him up in.
The coming into yours and your son’s life and imposing their religious and cultural practices on you both is an invasion.
I’d get their greencards cancelled if I faced that kind of takeover in my own home, and my child would be subjected to brainwashing part of who he is out of him. Fuck that shit!
It’s your house. Take in your mom. Your wife had no right to tell you what to do with your family home
Esh you both invited your parent sit live with no discussion with the other person. You obviously see yourself as the victim. You are not.
This is a sticky one. I will share some facts here that may be a sensitive subject.
Wow, this is difficult no matter how you look at it. You should have talked to each other first before making promises. I don’t see how either of you get out of this unscathed. If you pull out the inheritance card she may never forgive you. You have the right to though. I hope your marriage survives this bc it’s a big one.
ESH who offers a room to their parent/parents without talking to their spouse first?
This is a sticky one. I will share some facts here that may be a sensitive subject.
Wow, this is difficult no matter how you look at it. You should have talked to each other first before making promises. I don’t see how either of you get out of this unscathed. If you pull out the inheritance card she may never forgive you. You have the right to though. I hope your marriage survives this bc it’s a big one.
ESH, at least both you and your wife do, for making commitments that will impact our family and your child long into the future.
Time to add a room to your house.
Im not going to labor the same point everyone else made (hope you’re taking the advice for future communication).
Do you have space for an RV or tiny house on wheels? Have you all tried to sit down and discuss alternatives? What is the timeline on the green cards? If they are applying thru your wife, that is years down the road (depending on when it started).
Have you and your wife ever, you know, had a conversation? You don’t agree on religion, you don’t agree on culture, you don’t agree on who’s getting the spare bedroom. How did you get the whole way into a marriage, a house, and a 4-year-old son without hammering all this stuff out?
Also, I can guaran-damn-tee you that you do not know the first thing about being a caretaker. My wife and I did it for almost three years while my father was dying, and it was, to be completely honest, fucking awful. It is not something you go into blindly with no plan like you obviously do with every other facet of your life.
Grow up, get on the same page, and get yourself sorted out.
ESH
You bith need to learn to communicate clearly and openly, AND function as a couple.
Neither if you should have offered anything without clear discussions and agreements.
As for a solution….
Do you have a back yard? Is it possible to place a unit therew for the inlaws?
It doesn’t have to be huge. If they were okay moving into a spare bedroom, I’m sure they’ll be fine with a converted office unit.
After all… it isn’t supposed to be permanent, but just until they get on their feet.
It would give everyone some privacy.
Do NOT pull the ‘my house, because not marital asset’ unless you want to get divorced right now.
As far as I know, being really tight is part of the traditional mexican culture. (I get my ‘knowledge’ on this from movies and books, I’m Western European, so anyone can definitely correct me if I’m wrong)
So, it will be very hurtful to your wife, if you brush it off.
But your wife needs to understand that YOU have a culture too.
And yours is probably that parents and children have more privacy and autonomy.
Just because it’s not labeled as a different culture, doesn’t mean it’s not a culture.
She shouldn’t expect you to just submerge yourself into her way of living, without having any respect for yours.
You’re a mixed cultural household, and it will be a challenge to keep everyone happy.
But if you can both stay respectful, and acknowledge eachothers needs, it should be fine.
Think outside of the box, living arrangements wise.
Perhaps rent out your house, and rent a bigger one with a seperate appartment for the inlaws?
Look into a unit to put in the back yard.
Renting the inlaws (and/or your mom) a small appartment closeby.
Keep talking and listening.
Communication should go both ways.
updateme
TF??? You did the exact same thing your wife did. Promised your mom a room without clearing it with your wife. Which btw, does your wife work?? Because if not you’ve effectively decided she’ll be your mom’s caretaker without clearing it with her. Major douchebag behaviour.
Someone moving in needs to be a “two yes” situation. If either one of you says no, it’s a no. You’re married, not just roommates where one has a day over the other, NO MATTER if it was originally your house or not.
ESH.
Tbh your mum “wins” its health reason she is alone, they dont NEED green card or live in your country they just want to there is two of them. Its your inherited house.
Her parents can move into country when they have money and job lined up to actualy live there. I would offer help like help finding housing or rent money for few mths.
ESH – there is likely an easy solution though, given the current environment are they actually likely to get green cards?
To move your mom in indefinitely and didn’t even think to talk to your wife about it is crazy. It’s not like she planned on bringing her parents forever. You could let them stay a few months and then find them somewhere to go. What difference does a few months make. Then you can have your mom there. The comment about them hovering over your son is disgusting. They are his grandparents too. If dishes over night is a problem then set that boundary as a rule or something. Also how does your mom know their habits? You sound like you don’t want your wife’s parents around or involved in your son’s life and that’s wrong. Your problem isn’t them coming when you already promised your mom. You just don’t want them there. Your son should know mexican culture, the food, and the language it’s a huge part of who he is and there’s nothing wrong with that. It sounds like you’re trying to white wash your son and finding excuses for your wife’s parent to not be around.
It IS her culture for multiple generations to live together, you didn’t know this? I don’t see a way around this unless a different sibling could take them on.
If she wants her folks there she can save up and buy an expandable shipping container home for them to go in the back yard.
Tell your wife and her parents no deal. you promised your mom the room first so she gets dibs period. with her medical problems she NEEDS you now more than ever, and you are not taking back your offer to her so your wives parents can move in instead. your mom is more important to YOU than her parents are. especially with the way her parents treat you. even if it’s supposedly ‘temporary’ like your wife claims, why the hell should you make YOUR home a living hell with people you can’t stand who have done nothing but INSULT and BELITTLE you, are talking about teaching YOUR child to follow THEIR faith and religion like it was ALREADY decided that it WOULD happen like you have no say in the matter, etc.
why should you have to put up with people like THEM for ANY reason, where you will have to put up with them and their crap 24/7 for the length of time they are staying with you guys? or what if their ‘temporary’ stay becomes a permanent one and your wife lets them because SHE wants them there?
Why should you allow such disrespectful people stay in your home for any length of time for any reason what so ever, when you can have YOUR mom living there who won’t make YOUR life miserable like your wife’s parents would?
it’s obvious what the final decision is no matte what your wife and her parents want and we’re promised. you never agreed or promised anything to the three of them, and are not obligated to cancel on your mom, who really REALLY really needs you right now because of her health problems, from moving in just so your wives rude parents can move in instead.
once again nobody asked you if you would agree to it, especially knowing how you feel about her parents, and you are expected to do what if they move in? shup kignore their rudeness and disrespect in YOUR home? ‘forgive and forget‘ how they treated you in the past to let them move into YOUR home where you would have to put up with it for the length of time they are living with you guys? let them take over with everything including how YOUR child is raised, including what relifion he practices like YOU the parent of the child have no say in the matter? Did you and your wife actually discuss the religion thing before/after your kid was born and agreed to something before your MIL decided to butt her unwanted opinions about which religion YOUR child would be raised in like it was ALREADY decided that he WOULD be Catholic growing up even if that’s not what YOU want for him?
I’d be like hell no on EVERYTHING and that the ONLY person moving in with us is MY mom and nobody else. if your mom doesn’t move in, then NOBODY moves in, especially your wife’s parents, period. I’d call the cops first if they tried to move in without my permission before I will let them into MY home to make my life a living hell while they are here.
You are not the AH. You promised your fuck mother a room in your own house while she needs help and assurance. Your in-laws can find a place of their own
i don’t really know y’all. I wouldn’t call the ESH, cause the situation is tough , parents always except that as soon as their children grew up they’re gonna offer a place to stay, so to the OP i feel to say three things.
Comunicate your needs and your desire in the best way possible
ESH, because you both promised your families the spare room without asking each other.
However, in this one way you are more the AH: you are not having a conversation with your wife about how her family and her culture can be a part of your lives with appropriate boundaries, you are just piling negatives on her parents without seeing the positives, especially for your son who is growing up away from his mother’s culture. When your wife says your viewpoint is kinda xenophobic, shes not lying.
Yta. Considering dinamic if you move in your sick mom, she will feel worse because of resentment of your wife and her family. Belive me. Let her parents move in. She will kick them out in a year
ESH. Neither you nor your wife should have made such a promise to your parent(s) without discussing it with the other first. This is your shared home, so you both get an input on who gets to move in.
The only solution I see here is that neither parent moves in with you. Both of you need to find external options, and set boundaries for the grandparents’ involvement in your son’s life and education.
Easy solution. No one gets the room. Both of you promised it to their family without communication. Both equally wrong here.
I wouldn’t be happy with the family of the wife though. Sounds as if they can’t wait to get their hands on your kid to brainwash him..