Me (F39) and my wife (F32) hardly have drag out fights, but when we do I am very ‘all or nothing’. As in any relationship, we both bring baggage that affects how we react to situations. I come from an abusive upbringing where I constantly felt that I 1-wasn’t deserving of love; 2-only deserved love when I was useful; 3-disposable. She comes from a divorced childhood where as a teenager, her father and grandfather died within a year of each other. Her father died unexpectedly at 38 and with her grandfather, they were the most important people in her life. Very soon after these deaths, her mother and step-father moved, essentially leaving her alone. That is a story all on it’s on, but for the sake of this post, this sudden departure of the 4 main people in her life left her feeling abandon.
From the title, I would deem myself an A**hole. I know how lonely it feels to have no one in your corner. I have been there many times, but when we are fighting I feel like she is purposely trying to push me away. As if she pushes me away she can be proven right internally that everyone always leaves. It is hard to want to stay in a situation where the other person is constantly telling you that they don’t need you, can do everything one their own, and there is no reason to waste their time.
I am not blameless in these fights. I have been told many times that I present as angry and aggressive. I counter and say I’m emotional and usually right. And what do you get when you have two people in a relationship that always feel they are right? Explosions, that’s what.
After hearing for the 12th time in an hour how I could leave and her life would be unchanged or better, yeah I either threaten to leave (sometimes even get a bag) or I actually leave (usually go to get fast food to eat my feelings and return within the hour or sit in my car just out of sight). Sometimes I just need space and to clear my head. I don’t want to get caught ups in the moment and say something I regret. I am in this relationship 100%, but sometimes I can be a little dramatic and do the thing I’m being told knowing that she doesn’t actually want me to leave.
So, Am I the Asshole?
Comments
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We’d like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you’ll
get a nifty flair change to let you know and we’ll drop a link so you can see our host’s take on your story.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Backup of the post’s body: Me (F39) and my wife (F32) hardly have drag out fights, but when we do I am very ‘all or nothing’. As in any relationship, we both bring baggage that affects how we react to situations. I come from an abusive upbringing where I constantly felt that I 1-wasn’t deserving of love; 2-only deserved love when I was useful; 3-disposable. She comes from a divorced childhood where as a teenager, her father and grandfather died within a year of each other. Her father died unexpectedly at 38 and with her grandfather, they were the most important people in her life. Very soon after these deaths, her mother and step-father moved, essentially leaving her alone. That is a story all on it’s on, but for the sake of this post, this sudden departure of the 4 main people in her life left her feeling abandon.
From the title, I would deem myself an A**hole. I know how lonely it feels to have no one in your corner. I have been there many times, but when we are fighting I feel like she is purposely trying to push me away. As if she pushes me away she can be proven right internally that everyone always leaves. It is hard to want to stay in a situation where the other person is constantly telling you that they don’t need you, can do everything one their own, and there is no reason to waste their time.
I am not blameless in these fights. I have been told many times that I present as angry and aggressive. I counter and say I’m emotional and usually right. And what do you get when you have two people in a relationship that always feel they are right? Explosions, that’s what.
After hearing for the 12th time in an hour how I could leave and her life would be unchanged or better, yeah I either threaten to leave (sometimes even get a bag) or I actually leave (usually go to get fast food to eat my feelings and return within the hour or sit in my car just out of sight). Sometimes I just need space and to clear my head. I don’t want to get caught ups in the moment and say something I regret. I am in this relationship 100%, but sometimes I can be a little dramatic and do the thing I’m being told knowing that she doesn’t actually want me to leave.
So, Am I the Asshole?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Stay and make the situation worse or leave and make the situation worse #conundrum
You are not the asshole for wanting her to change her hurtful behavior, but she also needs to get her behavior under control. What is she doing to work on it? Establishing boundaries when you are both calm is going to help a lot. My ex-husband changed suddenly after 8 years and started saying things like “if you don’t calm down I’m leaving for 30 minutes” and it escalated things during my mental health crisis.
I’ve done those things in the past. Medication and therapy have helped a lot. Have you done couples counseling?
I’m going with NTA. She shouldn’t say those things to you. Have you asked when you’re not fighting if she means them? Does she feel like she does most of the work? If you’re having the same argument every time you fight, something is wrong.
As for you leaving, packing a bag is pretty dramatic. But when my wife and I argue, which is very rare, once we get to the point where we’re going in circles I usually leave too. Usually just for a couple hours to cool down and think about healthier ways to say what I want to say.
ESH. This sounds really dysfunctional and toxic. People may have mental health struggles to various degrees – but at the end of the day, people have ownership over their own feelings and actions. It sounds like both of you are choosing to be crappy to each other. Having bad experiences is not an excuse to treat someone else, especially a partner, badly.
Get some therapy, work through your issues, or break up. Life is too short for this stuff.
Why are you two even married, this is stupid
Yes. You would be the asshole.
A keystone of abandonment issue is trust issues. She will constantly be testing especially when in her fight or flight mode. Because she is silently begging you to show up and be trustworthy. Her telling you she doesn’t need you is her feeling alone, unsupported, and emotionally falling into that fearful lonely space she found herself in before without you.
However, codependency and trauma bonding, which you both seem to be exhibiting, leads to spiralling and desperation.
You both need therapy, both individually and together. It is okay, and even good, for you both to have space for a chance to cool down and be honest with each other without the baggage of emotional distress in the moment. However, telling her you are leaving her, even when you never intend to, is manipulation designed to get her to change, not give yourself space.
When you are not angry (not during the convo but no IRL) you need to explain that you need time to think and won’t be talked to disrespectfully when you both have important things to say. Have a word to say during an argument, like a safe word, that means you are taking a breather, and you will come back to the conversation within a day, but not when your emotions are in control.
Remind her that she cannot control you and you cannot control her, you can only control yourselves. And in order to do that, being able to talk to each other with love and respect is key to being vulnerable and changing the cycle.
Sounds like you’re both being unfair to each other and are prioritizing correctness over kindness.
You’re married to her. Not to justice or the truth. You both need some grace.
YTA. You know she has dealt with abandonment and threatening her with it is emotional abuse. Her saying she’d be fine is a clear and obvious defense mechanism to protect herself because of what she’s gone through. You both need to go to counseling individually and together to learn how to communicate, and you need to stop using her deep seated wounds to cause further harm when you’re upset.
I mean, neither of you seem emotionally healthy enough to be in a relationship. You both really need therapy, both individually and together (if you plan to stay together) but both of you seem like a mess and it doesn’t seem like either of you are doing anything to really get better.
ESH.
You both need individual therapy (and I am saying this in the nicest way. Not being sarcastic or mean). This is not a reddit discussion. You both have very unhealthy ways of managing your emotions and neither of you are reacting well to conflict.
You both need therapy. Next!
ESH. One time someone told me “it should not be you against your partner. It should be both of you against the problem”.
It seems like you both have some other trauma you need to work through as well. You can’t be a good partner if you’re not good to yourself first. Perhaps a good place to start is therapy.
Sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder.
Bro she needs a therapist and a psychiatrist, not a relationship.
Idk feels a bit vindictive
You need to seriously ask her when you aren’t fighting if her life would be unchanged or better if you weren’t there..
WATCH what she says.
WATCH HOW she says it.
The words… are words.. her behavior is key.
And you need to tell her that if she truly doesn’t mean it, she shouldn’t say it, because you will, in fact, leave for good if she utters that again. It’s abusive and cruel and twisted and you won’t put up with it.
Then don’t put up with it.
You both suck, and are way too grown to be this messy.