Last weekend, I (39M) helped my son (14M) dye his hair purple. (Or, my good friend who actually knew what he was doing helped dye my son’s hair while I was there for music requests and object fetching.) It was such a fun day, and I could tell how happy it made my boy.
I didn’t tell my wife before we did this, and that was the catalyst to the fight we’re currently having. But for me, it’s so much more than this one incident.
My wife has been hands off with our child for a while now. His soccer games, little road trips to nearby amusement parks, back to school shopping. She’s too busy with work, or too tired from work. So, I’ve mostly just stopped having the conversations. Why would I waste my breath to have the same conversations on repeat?
The night we dyed his hair, she started crying while we were talking saying we were making all of these memories without her. I asked he what she expected me to do. If we waited for her to make memories, we would be sitting in a dark room 100% of the time. My son isn’t even really comfortable with her anymore. There is no ‘I can’t take you, go ask your mom.’ Now it’s, ‘I’m sorry I can’t take you, let me see if (friend) is free that day.’
My wife isn’t speaking to me now, and I’m wondering if I took it too far. I don’t know. I was hoping some brutal honesty would change something. I would’ve loved having more kids, but I guess it’s for the best now that she said no.
Comments
Honesty doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, and she probably at some level knows how bad she’s fucking up, so you and the kid might have 4 years before her career or a new fuck boy provide a new and exciting center for her life…
Cause that’s so much easier than facing the damage and owning up to your part
NTA
She really needs to decide if her family or her job means more to her.
My husband has been stressed for years, working crazy hours and not really present – but our kids are adults so there has not been too much damage. He was very present prior to this last assignment, so our kids understand.
Your wife, however, is absent during very important years. She needs to figure out how to fix it.
NTA. Time doesn’t stop just because someone is busy. Every one else’s lives keep on moving.
NTA
At least you are there for your son. He deserves at least one of you to remember he exists.
NTA. I think the brutal honesty will work and you are just too early to see it. She needs time to introspect.forst. if you really want to speed it along then tell your son that there isn’t a problem. Every adult has too little time for everything, bosses are less understanding than family, and finding a new job is really hard. You’re just getting to the point where it needs more serious consideration now his mother has realised she has so little time left with him before he’s grown.
Nta, but you and she need a serious conversation about her job and how she is spending her time. It sounds like she is putting a lot of her energy into her work right now, is she near a promotion or just struggling to hang onto job at all. Is a job change possible, is she the one paying the bills? Does she even enjoy her job? Because she may not have had the energy to step back and look at the pattern that has developed. Does she have vacation time available? She sounds like she needs one.
NTA. I’d be asking her if she is willing to get into therapy, because the next step is filing for divorce and full custody of your son.
Are you a stay at home dad? Is she in the breadwinner role? What’s going on where she’s always too busy or too tired to make her family a priority?
Mrs misses it, maybe she has a pole at work.
Are you a SAHD? This is a role reversal where the dad wasn’t around for his first purple hair day. The only difference is the man wouldn’t cry over missing the moment. Don’t put him on puberty blockers without her knowing though. That might be a deal breaker.
The fact that you waited 14 years to call her out on her bad behavior speaks volumes
Play her “Cats and the Cradle.”
NTA!!
I honestly think this a compatibility issue, it seems to me you’re both at different stages maybe you both need couples counseling.
Clarification- what do you mean for a while now? Was she very involved when he was younger? Why isn’t she as involved now suddenly?
NTA for speaking up, but this speaks volumes about the kind of relationship and environment you have in your home.
Do you work as well? Have you ever brought up how unengaged she is? Do you two help each other so that you both have time for family AND personal time? Is there something going on at work that has her feeling like she must be there (like fear of losing said job)?
There’s not enough information here to make a judgment about your wife, but I can say that if you’ve let it go on this long, you’re as responsible for the damage. You two need a serious conversation and some counseling configure out where things are at.
Is she the bread maker and are you a SAHP? Are these things only being planned during her working hours?
Edit Breadwinner*
INFO:
How much is she working thay she is always working or always tired? What are you doing to take some of the load off her so she can be more present for these times?
It doesn’t sound like she doesn’t want to be… it sounds like she is exhausted. Is she the sole breadwinner? What’s going on here? It seems like missing information
Say sorry for talking hard, but it is still the truth. You work to much and neclect prioriticing him. Only YOU Can change that, not me…. I am taking nothing away from you. But I understand it is hard to hear, so sorry for the Way I Said it
INFO
What tasks are you doing, what tasks is she doing?
What does her work schedule look like, and what does yours look like – and are both necessary to maintain your lifestyle? (Not who makes more – do you need her income/benefits? Do you need yours?)
It’s nice you are making memories with your son. It’s pretty obvious here that you know your wife really wants to make them too, and misses spending time with him.
Who’s doing the laundry? Who’s managing the food? Who’s cleaning the house?
The fun things are important. But a lot of parenting is taking care of the stuff that doesn’t get seen and doesn’t make memories, so your kid has the space to make those memories and be a kid.
If the bathroom where you dyed your kid’s hair was nice and clean because she cleaned it – yea, you’re wrong. You could’ve taken care of the work you did, plan on doing it that day at the time she usually gets home, and tell her that’s when you’re doing it, if she wants to plan to join in.
There’s a set of cards, I forget who makes them, but it’s flash cards with typical house tasks, and you just put them in a you pile and your wife pile. See how they stack up. If yours is the mountain, NAH, it seems like your wife may need some mental health support and as a parent she needs to take steps to help herself. If hers is the mountain – check your attitude and figure out how to be a partner, and a parent, who also gives their kid and the mother of their child the gift of memories with their whole family.
NTA.
This is a very common problem where one parent opts out for whatever reasons.
In this case she needs to check where her prioreties lie vs where she wants them to be, and work out the change.
Yours is a very typical response. “Why waste breath on the same conversation..” is very relatable..
The person you are right now is the person your son will remember when you’re dead and gone.
NTA,he needs his parents. For his well-being, you don’t have time to wait for your wife. It means everything to your son and for his normalcy and character that he at least has you. I’ve seen people go non-contact from absentee parents as soon as they came of age. You keep doing what you’re doing. Your wife has to make a choice. She’s already close to being written off by your son.
INFO: Are you building an art room for your friend?
OP I’m concerned for you all. Especially your marriage. In four years or so you are going to be empty nesters. If you aren’t making new memories now you’re definitely not going to make them after he leaves. This is maybe the most crucial time period for you all. I honestly would recommend therapy as a family and for you individually. If you are basically a single parent right now you are going to be a single person when your kid leaves unless something changes now.
Nta, maybe play Cats In the Cradle by Harry Chapin for her (just kidding, no need to be antagonistic. You’re doing a great job being there for your son. He’ll remember all the effort and care you put in to your relationship and that will mean more than anything.)
The brutal honesty you need to give your wife is this: “You are largely absent from this family. You do absolutely NOTHING with our son. Why? Because you continually put work over us. So here’s the brutal truth: despite my constantly trying to get you to engage with us, you haven’t. As a result, I’ll be divorcing you and taking our son with me. He deserves one parent who puts him first and that parent hasn’t been you for far too long.”
Of course, don’t tell her this until you’ve a) decided that your marriage is done and b) you’ve spoken to an attorney.