(Don’t mind the throwaway, just made the account five seconds ago since I don’t have anyone else to ask) I, 35M, have been married to my wife, 35F, for the past 12 years with 4 kids. 18, 12-year-old-twins, and a freshly 2 year old. Despite being a teen dad, I always worked hard to make sure my family would be fine, I got into UCLA and she went to UCI with me taking morning classes and her taking the afternoon ones so we could use the same car and always be home with the baby, we both worked part-time jobs to pay rent in our tiny one bedroom apartment and in summary, we’ve always been good at working as a team. After college I began working in the marketing field and she started working as a teaching assistant in an inner-city middle school, when I began making a good deal of money, we moved states so we could raise our child on a comfortable income.
It’s kinda well-known that teachers aren’t paid nearly as much as they should be and eventually we decided that she’d stay home as we had three kids at this point and the twins were still babies. She’s loved it the entire time as she met other stay-at-home-moms through facebook groups and she was able to always watch our kids grow up, I worked the long hours but always made sure I was home before 7 and she never complained about feeling stressed or alone. Since I work 40 hours, our eldest has always been a big help but she just moved out for college a few weeks ago and ever since my wife has began complaining about how overworked she feels as she now has to pick the twins up from practice instead of sending our eldest with the car to do it, clean everything, and run a million errands.
I told her that I could talk to the twins about helping out more than they usually do as they’re willing to babysit the youngest for a while or help out with dinner by seasoning the food, boiling pasta, checking to see how cooked it is, sweep the floors or wipe down the counters but she said that she wants me home more often, I told her that there’s no way I could do that considering that I need to work or we’ll be behind on a bill and she said that me working doesn’t mean that I’m excused from my daddy duties but I cook dinner whenever I can, clean up the clutter every morning, drive the twins to the early morning weekend practices, cook breakfast, and anything else I can possibly do whenever I’m not working. It’s been a argument for a few days now and I told her that the only way I can help more is if she gets a part-time that’ll take care of one of our bills as me getting my boss to reduce my hours means him reducing my pay, she’s been upset ever since and it’s starting to create a tension in our house that even our kids have picked up. I feel horrible but I genuinely can’t work less hours without a second income.
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Original copy of post’s text by /u/Legitimate-Hawk-8055: (Don’t mind the throwaway, just made the account five seconds ago since I don’t have anyone else to ask) I, 35M, have been married to my wife, 35F, for the past 12 years with 4 kids. 18, 12-year-old-twins, and a freshly 2 year old. Despite being a teen dad, I always worked hard to make sure my family would be fine, I got into UCLA and she went to UCI with me taking morning classes and her taking the afternoon ones so we could use the same car and always be home with the baby, we both worked part-time jobs to pay rent in our tiny one bedroom apartment and in summary, we’ve always been good at working as a team. After college I began working in the marketing field and she started working as a teaching assistant in an inner-city middle school, when I began making a good deal of money, we moved states so we could raise our child on a comfortable income.
It’s kinda well-known that teachers aren’t paid nearly as much as they should be and eventually we decided that she’d stay home as we had three kids at this point and the twins were still babies. She’s loved it the entire time as she met other stay-at-home-moms through facebook groups and she was able to always watch our kids grow up, I worked the long hours but always made sure I was home before 7 and she never complained about feeling stressed or alone. Since I work 40 hours, our eldest has always been a big help but she just moved out for college a few weeks ago and ever since my wife has began complaining about how overworked she feels as she now has to pick the twins up from practice instead of sending our eldest with the car to do it, clean everything, and run a million errands.
I told her that I could talk to the twins about helping out more than they usually do as they’re willing to babysit the youngest for a while or help out with dinner by seasoning the food, boiling pasta, checking to see how cooked it is, sweep the floors or wipe down the counters but she said that she wants me home more often, I told her that there’s no way I could do that considering that I need to work or we’ll be behind on a bill and she said that me working doesn’t mean that I’m excused from my daddy duties but I cook dinner whenever I can, clean up the clutter every morning, drive the twins to the early morning weekend practices, cook breakfast, and anything else I can possibly do whenever I’m not working. It’s been a argument for a few days now and I told her that the only way I can help more is if she gets a part-time that’ll take care of one of our bills as me getting my boss to reduce my hours means him reducing my pay, she’s been upset ever since and it’s starting to create a tension in our house that even our kids have picked up. I feel horrible but I genuinely can’t work less hours without a second income.
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You aren’t the asshole. “Daddy duties” doesn’t include cooking, cleaning, etc. Don’t let her pull that card to manipulate you into doing even more than you already do. Yes, you should spend time with the kids and parent them… but as far as chores or maintenance, that is what she is supposed to be doing. If you are bringing in 100% of the income, she should do 100% of the chores. If she wants to contribute 25% of the income, then you can pick up 25% of the chores. Your job is just as tough as hers, if not more or less on some days. You both have a part to play.
Let her be upset… she’ll get over it.
She has 1 toddler to look after
She is not overworked
Youre doing your share. She’s barely doing hers
Nta
NTA
Sounds like she’s been parentifying your eldest and is now pissed that her free nanny is gone.
What exactly are her expectations here? She wants you home more, but what is her plan to account for the missing income if she is unwilling to work?
NTA
The 18 year old is probably so happy she got to be free from being another parent.
NTA.
Seems you are pulling your weight already.
NTA. How does your wife feel about taking a cut in the grocery budget or losing streaming services or nail/hair?
If she wants you to bring in less money it’s her job to plug the gaps. Budget meals, thrift store clothing, yard sales, etc.
She’s really being delusional.
NTA. It sounds like your wife was relying way too much on your oldest kid and now that she’s gone, your wife is seeing how much your daughter actually did for the family. Instead of readjusting what she needs to do to make up for it, she’s now going after you. It seems like you do what you can and it’s NOW not enough. You need to have a calm and reasonable conversation about this, but as long as she’s not willing to compromise, I’m not sure how you proceed. Good luck.
NTA
She has 2 teens that ought to be more or less self sufficient and a single toddler.
That isn’t a huge amount for someone at home full time to be able to deal with, you shouldn’t even have to worry about things like cooking dinner if she isn’t working at all imo.
>only way I can help more is if she gets a part-time that’ll take care of one of our bills as me getting my boss to reduce my hours means him reducing my pay, she’s been upset ever since
Funny how she doesn’t want a 50:50 split when it comes to it. Let me guess, the young kid was also her idea too once she realised that her time living the easy life was coming to a close with the kids not needing her.
Your partner is being selfish and you shouldn’t enable her imo.
So the 18 yo was parentfied is what your saying. ESH as you let it happened and she did it.
Mom can be a mother for once.
NTA
You are contributing 100% of the money and some of the household labor.
She needs to at least provide a solution for how she expects the finances to work if you earn less.
NTA. The fact your wife is throwing such a fit right now says very clearly that she put entirely too much of her job on your oldest child. If she can’t manage one toddler and preteen twins on her own, she has no business trying to be a full-time parent and everyone would be better served if she got a paying job.
ESH. You both failed your 18 year old. Sounds like she was parentified and finally escaped.
You both need marriage counseling and maybe parenting classes. Your 12 year olds can do a reasonable amount of chores but should not be babysitting when your wife does not work.
Your wife needs to either fully commit to being a SAHM and doing all that entails or she needs to go back to work. If she does, you’re both responsible for childcare, meal prepping, shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc.
As a SAHM/ WFHM of two toddlers I don’t feel like she has an unfair amount of work. Of course some days are hard but 12 year olds are very independent and when they are at school she would just have a 2 year old. If you’re working that late and can help some on weekends it’s completely a fair split. I think she was just too reliant on your 18 year old
Honestly, if your wife is feeling overwhelmed now that the oldest is out, the oldest was doing way too much. The 12-yo’s should be doing things around the house to help out and all your wife is responsible for is the toddler which she should be able to do easily and stay on top of daily chores. Maybe take a long weekend, send the toddler off to grandmas and the four of you get your home completely cleaned and organized with charts and schedules and assignments along with meal prep guides so that everyone can function. If she can’t do it, she can go to work part time and pay someone to pick up her slack.
NTA so what you’re saying is she’s been parentifying your oldest this whole time. Are they calling your oldest Mama? Maybe you just didn’t realize it? Now that you do, what are you going to do moving forward?
Your oldest must be so happy to be out of the home and actually be a normal young adult.
You should have told her to get a full time job.
I work full time, am the primary parent to a toddler, and do 95% of household chores because my husband is a physician and works insane hours. I even wfh with my toddler sometimes and may I just say, that is difficult. 😅
Your wife is absolutely insane to think you aren’t pulling your weight or to say that she’s overworked. She’s a stay at home mom to a toddler with two middle schoolers she has to chauffeur around, she’s not drowning in work.
If I were you, I’d be calling up your 18 yo and having a genuine discussion about what her life was like at home because it sounds like your wife was taking advantage of her.
Your wife is ridiculous and lazy. You’ve been supporting everyone all this time financially with no help. And can’t expect you to do everything.
Have you gotten a vasectomy? Chances are she’s gonna try for another kid so she can be sahm longer. You’re never gonna be free. Nta
NTA. How about this? You guys meal plan and meal prep on Sundays, so that she (or you) can just throw dinner in the oven each night, and take at least that weight off her? And/or she can give you a mid-week grocery list (for fruit and other stuff that spoils/is gone) and you pick it up on your way home from work on Wednesday or Thursday night? Don’t know what time the toddler goes to bed but maybe you could handle that each evening? That would give her a bit of free time in the evenings. And that’s great bonding time for you. I was the primary parent, so I empathize with your wife. But she has to be realistic about how to balance income and managing household/kid duties.
I would like some clarification. Why in a business field are you only working 40hrs? 40hrs is not a lot compared to other professions where people pull 50+ hour work weeks.
It just seems like you could get another job where you work from home or have a more flexible schedule.
Nta
She made your 18 year old the 3rd parent and now they’re gone so she needs you.
Shes lazy and doesnt wanna have to do stuff
NTA. With the older kids at school most of the day and just one at home it shouldn’t be that bad to do the majority of the housework. She needs to meal plan/prep better bc ths hardest part of her day seems like after school transportation overlapping with dinner. That can be resolved by using a crock pot or meal prepping ahead of time etc.
SAHM to three autistic kids here (youngest just turned 12): At 12, the twins can mostly look after themselves (they just can’t drive themselves), so she has one toddler to look after? Sounds like she parentified your oldest. DO NOT do this to the twins, too; it is abuse. If your oldest doesn’t already resent you/cut you off, you’re lucky. (My sister was parentified.)
NTA. Sounds like you’re doing everything you can to pitch in, but the bulk needs to be on her since it is her “job” (no, this does not mean she never gets to “clock out,” but neither does she get to hand them off to you and take the rest of the night off when you get home). This is what she signed up for. Being a SAHP doesn’t mean chatting with facebook moms all day while your teenager parents your other children.
Your wife needs help. She’s needed help for years, and actually parentified her own kid to deal with it. Figure out a better way, this really isn’t fair to her, she never gets to leave work. You do.
Fishy. You work 40 hours but she needs to get a job so you can ask your boss to reduce your hours?
I am speaking from the place of a stay at home mom my by choice when my kids were little and a stay at home wife now because I have brain cancer. I do not feel you’re being unreasonable about not being able to afford cutting your hours. It sounds like you’re chipping in a lot when you’re off work. My husband did the same before I got cancer. After cancer changed a lot of things. Being a stay at home mom is very difficult. The job never stops. So you guys need a compromise. I think having the twins help is very reasonable. Maybe you could pay them a little to incentivize their helping. Or you could give credit towards an activity or something they want. She needs to understand how your making less money would affect your household. I think you’re NTA, and I think you guys need to brainstorm to find some compromise.
NTA. You’re not refusing to help, you’re already doing a ton, and you’re being honest about your limits. You’re not blaming her, you’re trying to find a solution that works for both of you.
I’m not going to join that others saying that you’re 18-year-old was parentified. It’s only natural when a kid gets their license that they help out with taking other kids to practice and learn skills at home doing chores.
And it certainly won’t hurt the twins to learn those skills either. At least picking up after themselves by cleaning their own rooms and making their beds, doing their own laundry, putting their dishes in the dishwasher, taking out the garbage and recycle, and taking turns helping out in the kitchen was simple things to cook.
But the bigger thing is your wife feeling like being a stay at home mom is too much responsibility. At this point, the two year-old should at least be taking an afternoon nap to give your wife time to do a good clean and meal prep. She can take him with them to run errands and do a lot of cleaning while he’s playing alongside her. You have to commute both ways and work full-time and then come home and work some more. It sounds like you do some of the cooking and clean up in the morning before you leave. I was a stay at home Mom and my husband didn’t do a blessed thing. We also had four kids, and he never gave a child a bath, brushed their hair, did a load of laundry, did any dishes, any cooking. I was lucky to get a microwaved bowl of soup when I had the flu. I would have to remind him I also needed a spoon and maybe a glass of water? Was hard to even get him to mow the lawn or take out the trash. So I’d say you’re doing your part! lol. Not to say that a SAHM shouldn’t get any help. But she might need to see a therapist and find out why she’s so overwhelmed.
NTA. Is it possible she doesn’t like being a SAHM, hence pitting the responsibility on others, but doesn’t want to work either? Sounds like she is trying to have easy street in both regards and it is especially unfair to the kids.