After our oldest son was born, my wife decided to not return from maternity leave and be a stay at home mom. Six months later, we started noticing missed milestones and other concerns. We expressed our concerns to his pediatrician, who said milestones were just guidelines and not to worry. Around this time my wife started to get anxious and frustrated more and more. She said something was wrong with our son and we needed to help him.
We went to a second pediatrician, who gave us take home evaluations to do. They stressed out my wife, who said she couldn’t fill them out because she was afraid of accidentally answering wrong. I did my best to fill them out, but since she was the stay at home parent, I needed her help on certain parts, because some questions were phrased “how many times per day xyz…” and I needed information from her to answer that. She got very frustrated during this process and said I wasn’t supporting her.
The pediatrician diagnosed our son as autistic when he was almost two. My wife was upset by this, and the pediatrician recommended she see a therapist, as parents of autistic children sometimes struggle, especially the parent who spends the most time with the child. In some ways that’s the last time I ever saw my wife. Her frustration and anxiety only got worse. She’s a completely different person now. She only communicates in therapy speak, and she acts like her therapist is God and she is her prophet, carrying her commandments to me from on high to defy at my own risk.
Here is an example of some of the insane things her therapist has apparently told her over the years. Our son is emotionally abusive (he was three when she said this) because he intentionally withholds affection. I am emotionally abusive because I cancelled a date with her after she called me a loser and I didn’t want to spend the evening with her. I am sexually abusive because I told her I didn’t want to have sex with her after an argument to “punish her” (fights don’t get me horny, but that’s my fault I guess). I am financially abusive because I told her I didn’t think we could afford another baby (that we ended up having anyway because she wore me down). I am physically abusive because I put my arm out to stop her from walking into the kitchen when I was sweeping glass off the floor. Our son is physically abusive because he accidentally kicked her while throwing a tantrum (he was five). Those are just a few examples. I have more, but the post is already too long.
As I mentioned, she wanted to have another baby. I thought it was a bad idea. I have actually been trying to convince her to go back to work so we can afford specialized care for our son, but even bringing up the idea is, you guessed it, abusive. Well, we had the baby, which I thought was a bad idea, but that’s in the past now. Our second son turns a year old soon, and for the past year my wife has acted like our older son and I are the enemy forces against her and our younger son. She no longer is providing our older son with any care. I had to scale back at work so I could drop him off and pick him up from school, but that wasn’t sustainable. We were bleeding money. I finally found an after school program for him, which is expensive, but it allowed me to work the hours I need to.
I told my wife it’s not fair to our older son to ignore him and treat him like he isn’t around. Obviously the baby needs more attention, but it’s wrong not to give our older child any. It also isn’t fair to me, because I hardly ever get to interact with our younger child since I have to do all the care for our older child and she always has the younger. She said her therapist told her that in a way out older son actually killed her first baby because he is the disease that replaced him. I said I don’t care about her therapist. This is about our family, and she is neglecting us. She said her therapist said neglect was a weaponized term. I told her to marry her effing therapist because I am effing done. I told her I am filing for divorce.
She lost it when I said that. She said I can’t talk about her therapist like that. I’m trying to alienate her from her support person, and that’s abuse. I talked to my friend who is a lawyer to get a recommendation for a divorce lawyer, and he told me it’s an asshole thing to do to insult her therapist, because therapy is important and it’s not the therapist who told her to neglect our kid (hopefully). This therapist ruined my marriage and turned my wife into a crazy person. How am I wrong for insulting that? But if my own friend disagrees, I guess I might need a reality check.
Comments
Autisim is genetic she should get tested.
NTA and I’m sorry you’re going through this. The answer is probably no, but would she consider seeing a different therapist to save the marriage?
That is not a therapist, but a parasitic enabler.
NTA. There are bad therapists out there and it sounds like your wife found one.
Unfortunately, she is too far down the rabbit hole to see reason so divorce is your only option
YTA, why do you actually believe she’s going to a therapist? Have you actually gotten to see this therapist or heard anything from this therapist yourself? You are naive to believe she’s going to an actual therapist.
I’m not saying she’s not going to visit someone during the time she’s gone but she’s not going to a therapist. If she actually going to a therapists why can’t you report her for destroying your marriage
NTA. It will come as a shock to your wife, but some therapists are hacks. Sounds like she found one.
Personally, I’d record some of these conversations. Your wife sounds borderline unhinged. Not sure it is safe to leave your oldest son with her.
NTA. Either she’s misinterpreting the help the therapist is providing or the therapist is a lunatic. Get a divorce.
go to a meeting with her and the therapist and see for your self.
Start documenting everything. Screenshots, get videos of how she behaves towards you and your kids. She is NOT a safe place for your child right now or you. Get your kids, both of them, and get out.
NTA.
Sounds like she is either not being open with her therapist or misinterpreting them or just completely making up what happens at the sessions. Look out for you and the kids if she isn’t going to do it. She’ll probably reject it but do suggest she goes to the doctor for anxiety/depression maybe check for autism as well. Could also be some PND if it is since your little one but seems like she’s been struggling for far longer.
Also that is an asshole terrorpist(therapist). NTA.
If she has been in therapy more than one year with this therapist it’s probably an abusive relationship on the therapist part. The therapist test turned her into a robot and you need to report this to the licensing bureau for whatever license he or she has NTAH
NTA. You’re a far better person than me because I would have gone nuclear a long time ago. I say that as a woman.
It should have been over the moment she started neglecting your older son. Looks like she just wanted to discard him and have a do over baby.
What an absolute monster.
NTA. That therapist sounds like they are enabling your wife.
NTA. You’re not insulting therapy you’re calling out the unhealthy grip this therapist has on your wife. It’s not abusive to say you’re done when your partner neglects one child, weaponizes “therapy speak,” and treats you as the enemy. You’re protecting your kids and your own sanity.
NTA. Maybe the therapist should get therapy. Cause talking solves everything. 🙄
My honest question is: Is the therapist AI?
But honestly, is the therapist licensed?
I know this is one side of the story but you’ve seemed to have actually given enough context.
NTA. Thank you for looking out for your oldest. You’re possibly having bonding issues with your youngest due to the conflicts but it sounds like you’re trying.
Nta. Bad therapists exist. They are also human and imperfect. You’re wife’s therapist is a bad therapist. I would make that a point if contention in the divorce. Her therapist is dangerous.
I would be reporting that therapist to their licensing agency. Do they work for a group practice? Because I’d have something to say to them too. It won’t necessarily take action, but if it’s not the first time they’ve received complaints then they may do something.
Have you considered getting a (better, normal, non-harmful) therapist to support you with all you’re going through? I know there’s probably a bad taste in your mouth about therapy considering what’s going on with your wife, but most therapists are not like this. You don’t deserve to feel alone in all of this, and they may be able to give you tools and advice to get through this less painfully than you without any support.
NTA
“parents of autistic children sometimes struggle” includes you. Family therapy for the two of you might be one way to approach the problems that autistic children present to the whole household. It sounds like you wouldn’t be comfortable with your wife’s current therapist. (I’m not sure that your wife is accurately reporting what her current therapist says. Characterizing third parties is something that most therapists actively avoid.)
Your pediatrician might be able to recommend someone who would be able to work with the two of you rather than just 1-1 with your wife.
NTA
NTA. Consider sending this to your wife’s doctor and your wife’s therapist’s licensing board. If you are in the USA, here’s how to figure out the therapist’s licensing board based on the letters after their name. They sound as if they are advising outside their area of expertise, at the very least.
If they are LPC or LPCC, you want to contact your state’s licensing board for *counselors.*
If they include “SW,” such as LISW or LCSW, you want to contact your state’s licensing board for *social workers.*
And if they’re PhD, that’s a *psychologist*, contact your state’s licensing board for them.
If they don’t have any letters at all, which wouldn’t surprise me, your wife is talking to a straight charlatan.
I am a therapist. We usually help people. Good ones certainly don’t throw around the term “abuse” like it’s confetti – if she genuinely suspects abuse, she has a duty to report that she is also neglecting. I am sorry this is happening to you and wish you luck.
If her therapist is actually telling her these things then they need to be reported. She isn’t for to be a parent to either child
NTA, please document everything you can now. Bring the proof that she has been intentionally neglecting your older child, and file for divorce with temporary orders granting you custodial custody. Do not delay. Her reasoning and logic sounds like psychosis or she is deeply manipulative and she needs real help.
NTA. Your wife needs to see a new therapist. It’s giving Jodi Hildebrandt and Ruby Franke dynamic. This could be a case of PPA that has been treated in the wrong way for far too long and now she’s lost it. I’m sorry that it has come down to this.
NTA, this is Post Partum depression that exacerbated into OCD. I am surprised she was not diagnosed. Post Partum plus an autism diagnosis would cause a parent to become overly obsessive with her duty as a mother and then desire to try again for the perceived “failure”.
Also, autism chances do increase with the age of the mother. Is she over 35? If it is genetic, I would have both of you tested to see if the gene exists in both.
Not all therapist are good. They are people just like everyone else. Sounds like this therapist might not be one of the good ones. And sounds like there is some boundary crossing, just by the way she is throwing around the word abuse. Document everything, especially if moving towards divorce. Do not speak badly about therapist because that is going to make her double down.
I have a hard time believing that this therapist exists. Either because OP is telling us a fake story or OP’s wife is telling him a fake story.
Record it all and divorce her and get custody. I stalk Scotty cans to capture her on what she does. Don’t leave ur child in this woman’s care. U are not helping them by keeping them in the care of an idiot.
Your wife sounds mentally ill, like she probably had severe post-partum depression, and she got a terrible therapist that has made things worse, but that’s also an assumption based on whether or not you’re a reliable narrator.
I’d stop fighting with her and just document everything that you can; I’d be very concerned about shared custody of both of the children given how she centers the younger child.
Everything is not “abuse” but you probably should shut your mouth and talk to an attorney about how to make your case, because you have to prove that your children aren’t safe with their mother if you’re going to file for full custody, and as the stay at home parent, that’s going to be a tall order.
Wow. It sounds like the therapist is lousy because I think your wife is certainly neglecting you and the older son. If you have done everything you can, if you think divorce is the best option- go for it. Best of luck to you.
NTA. Just because someone is called a “therapist”, that doesn’t mean that they’re qualified or aren’t capable of making situations worse. Your wife’s therapist is absolutely awful. And your wife’s reaction when you insulted her therapist and told her that you were divorcing her was that she was offended about insulting her therapist? Dude, run.
I think the therapist is a way to cope with the older sons condition. Raising children is already stressful. Raising a special needs child is next level.
If you want to divorce, do what you need to do, but will you be okay financially?
Im also concerned about he behavior around the eldest child. You may need to take him full time for his safety….
What a mess.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this.
NTA.
She cant throw around words like abuse over stuff like this. Abuse has intent behind it and you putting your arm up was protective. You worrying about finances when it comes to a baby it more than reasonable, and I would think it may be abusive that she DIDNT factor that in because the eldest needs more care.
She’s being manipulative. Get away from her.
No divorce her and start recording everything she says for child custody pls
It is totally possible that her therapist is not saying any of this. When people are really struggling mentally, they can very easily twist the words of therapists and hear what they want.
So, I would take everything she tells you with a grain of salt unless you have a recording of the therapist saying those things. Now, if you did have legitimate proof of that, I’d report the hell out of the therapist.
Honestly, she needs to be assessed for autism because it is not uncommon for parents to be diagnosed after their child.
I think you should really go to marriage counseling. It has to be a totally different therapist.
Is she taking any meds? Antidepressants can help with both anxiety and depression. They help many people, myself included, actually deal with anxiety instead of just hanging on by a thread.
NTA- she’s either A. Grossly misinterpreted what the therapist is saying and B. She had some sort of mental break after the birth of the first child and isn’t handling it well and thought a second baby would fix things. I think it would be healthy for her to leave because autistic kids can really absorb the stress from the parent. Something about this therapist doesn’t seem right, but I would definitely look into this person’a credentials. Because it’s not fair of her acting like this bc it’s only harming everyone else
don’t be so quick to
blame the therapist. I am shocked by how people can twist words or misconstrue what their therapist says in order to get what they want at home. Most likely scenario
NTA. Either she has a crappy therapist or she isn’t really going to one or she isn’t happy with what the therapist says and is tuning them out.
I would giver her an ultimatum to go to a therapist of YOUR choice who will work with her but also have sessions with both of you to keep you in the loop or its OVER. You get a divorce. Fight for custody. If she wants custody she has to change therapists. Protect yourself. Protect your kids.
She said “neglect” is a weaponized term but throws around “abuse/abusive” like it’s nothing.
Nta. You need to get both of those children away from them for their safety. And she should only have supervised visitations.
Also you need to report the therapist.
>I talked to my friend who is a lawyer to get a recommendation for a divorce lawyer, and he told me it’s an asshole thing to do to insult her therapist, because therapy is important and it’s not the therapist who told her to neglect our kid
I really cannot see a lawyer saying this. It feel very promptly with a bad finish.
Either way ESH for allowing your kids to be treated this way.
NTA either she is lying about what the therapist said as a way to control you…OR the therapist took advantage of someone in an unable position. Therapist should be report.
Good luck. Therapy wrecked my previous marriage too, not that it was great but group bitch-fests and all the bullshit about boundaries, safety and abuse. It’s ridiculous. Some people decide to weaponize therapy language and it’s just a disaster. That said, I think therapy is probably a net benefit for people. Like any tool, it mostly matters how it gets used.
You are NTH, please protect your kids.
The therapist sounds like a quack, honestly I would report them for malpractice.
NTA,
You need to also see a therapist so you can have a source of support
I’m a SAHM to an autistic child and a younger one.
Autism is not a death sentence, she is acting like the older child is bringing her down.
I’m glad she noticed early on, I think in those older days there should’ve been more support on your end so she didn’t take the autism diagnosis so hard.
But nothing can be fixed and she ended up finding a “therapist”
You need to report her that is not a proper therapist that is a predator preying on the weak.
She needs a new therapist or y’all need to separate, then you can actually get visitation with your youngest.
She’s probably not even in therapy and is just watching videos bc I just don’t understand or grasp how a therapist can say these things.
The therapist sounds like a quack. No good therapist would say those things. I would request a meeting with them. I suspect your wife is lying. Either way, she is abusive to your oldest and you need to take custody of both. This is not healthy for either one. You need to get both children away from her until she is mentally healthy.
Call board on her license cuz demonizing a child is crazy. You’re NTA, idk what your friend is on about either. I’ll say file for divorce cuz your wife seems like she’s beyond the “talk it out” stage. And I hope you don’t get the short end of the stick. Good luck!
Are you sure this therapist is a licensed therapist? Because wtf. I would lawyer up and fight for as much custody as you can. Your wife is crazy and actively abusing your oldest and if your youngest stays around her they’re just going to be abused in a different way. Protect your kids.
The older son will not improve without lots of work. Him being ignored is the last thing he needs.
If you’re done, and to be honest, I would have been done a long time ago, you have every right to walk out. Your lawyer friend hasn’t been living your life, and doesn’t know what you’ve been going through.
If you’re not done, the first thing I would do, is every time your wife says “that’s abusive”, is turn it around and tell her, “You’re being manipulative and controlling by calling normal interactions abusive”. Let her see how it feels when all her actions are put into negative therapy speak. It may seem petty, but you’re holding up a mirror to show her how her actions are affecting you.
Then I would ask for a joint session with the therapist. I would explain exactly how your wife is weaponizing the therapist’s words. Explain the exact situations (glass on the floor=physical abuse), and see which one is the problem. Is the therapist an idiot, or is your wife just weaponizing things.
That therapist needs to lose their practicing license. Your wife is fully brainwashed.
I feel for you as I also have an autustic son. Keep protecting him. Your doing a good job.
Document the stuff your wife is doing and go file for a divorce. Your lawyer friend is off base.
Honestly a divorce sounds like a good idea. I think she is in fact the abusive one, doesn’t work but can’t take care of her children? In what world is this even an option.
I have zero sympathy for you on baby #2. You could have easily had a vasectomy but instead you blame your wife for ‘wearing you down’. You need to take accountability here. You can’t afford another kid, your wife is mentally unstable and very likely needs to be evaluated for psychiatric disorder(s), which you could have facilitated by speaking with her OB/Gyn when she was pregnant with the 2nd. You did not do this.
Have you considered that perhaps your WIFE is the issue, not the therapist?
Get a divorce attorney. You are going to need to have conversations about full custody of at least the oldest. Have conversations about whether your wife can be required to undergo psychological evaluations to determine whether she is fit to have partial custody of the youngest. Get your ducks in a row BEFORE you give you wife any additional information about what you may or may not want to do.
NTA. But maybe go see this therapist together to make sure you understand what advice is being given. Did she really say you older son killed her first baby? That’s a messed up thing to say. Start keeping copious notes about how she talks about the older son and how she is neglecting his needs. If the therapist is really saying what your wife is hearing, of course she’s awful. I think an appointment together would let you see what these two talk about. Is your wife telling the truth about life at home? Is you wife hearing the therapist correctly? It may help you decide how to proceed.
Obviously her sessions are confidential, but if I were you I would call her therapist and calmly, respectfully, explain your concerns about your wife claiming that your 5 year old autistic son is abusive, and how she’s neglecting him. And a few of the other things. But remain as neutral as possible.
I wonder if your wife is lying to the therapist, or just totally interpreting what they say wrong, or if she’s telling herself that’s what the therapist said just to qualify her own thoughts and beliefs.
I would be reporting these ethical concerns to the therapist’s governing body. If they’ve been stuck off, she can’t get therapy from them.. NTA..
Updateme
Therapist needs his/her license taken away.
Your friend is an idiot
I think your wife is either interpreting what the therapist says to her own advantage of her therapist is truly awful. No good therapist would talk such nonsense.
I will never understand why it’s not okay to NOT want to have sex after an argument. I’m dealing with that too. You’re NTA. Sorry you’re dealing with this
YTA for expletive
I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. I am glad your son at least has you in your corner.
She’s discarded her autistic son for his newborn because he’s “normal”for now. For her to actually excuse her neglect by saying his autism killed him is… Something..
A compromise could be that you are willing to listen if she changes therapists, but to be honest, she clearly doesn’t like or want your eldest because he’s too much for her.
I wish you good luck. But I also hope you take full custody of your kid if you do end up divorcing. He won’t have a good life if he stays with her.
Have you met the therapist? How can you be sure your wife isn’t distorting what the therapist says? The things she’s relaying to you sound HIGHLY unethical and questionable. If you haven’t met the therapist, I urge you to see if your wife will allow you to do so. While the therapist wouldn’t be able to discuss your wife unless given express permission, the therapist may have no idea what your wife is telling you, and might appreciate hearing the distortions IF the therapist is a decent person.
If the therapist is actually saying all this crap, I would report them. If the therapist is not, your wife seems like a danger to your children.
There is only one person abusive, well maybe two. Your wife and her therapist if she says the things your wife relays to you. But considering this has been going on for some time already, the therapist is either not a real therapist or very very bad and has issues herself.
Your lawyer friend is mental too if he said that you were an asshole to insult a therapist. But hey, he is a lawyer so being paid to be an asshole.
Get rid of the bunch, your lawyer friend, your wife and her therapist. Oh, and report her therapist too.
She only wanted a second child so she could have a do over without an autistic child. I doubt she’ll fight you for custody of your oldest, but you can be sure she will lose her mind if she does not have access and control over the youngest. I wish you luck, OP.
I do not think you’re abusive or neglectful from what you’ve told us. I think your wife struggled, and then chose the worst possible solutions.
NTA. I HIGHLY doubt a licensed therapist is telling her all this. I think you need to speak to the therapist yourself and tell them what’s going on. Refuse to let your wife attend alone. You also need to start documenting this so you can divorce and get custody of the kids. I don’t want you to feel bad because its not your fault, but you are kind of a fucking dumbass piece of shit for letting your wife abuse you and your son this long. Get your shit sorted.
Report the therapist asap, get your son away from your toxic wife!!
Yep my mom tried like 10 therapists until she found one like this. All the other ones told her she was wrong in some small way. Once she found her enabler therapist our family was done.
Do you understand that you only THINK you know what her therapist is saying? This could all be her. Is she even going to therapy? You’re mad at the wrong person.
Your wife couldn’t complete a simple assessment for your son….and suddenly she’s taking all this advice from a therapist? You’re being lied to.
Either she’s lying about what her therapist said or she’s got a shitty therapist. File for divorce and full custody of your older son, at minimum. NTA.
talk to a new lawyer; your wife is crazy and so is the therapist.
This “therapist” should be reported. WTAF. Is she licensed? How did your wife find this therapist? This is deeply concerning.
Any therapist who would say any of that should not have a license (if they even have one—or I suppose if they said those things). To be clear, the therapist did none of the things you state, though. Your wife did. That person may have enabled and even empowered it, but she was the one who weaponized it. I would suggest divorce as the best option, but fight for your first kid. He needs someone who will nuture and work with him. I know a few autistic kids who are thriving because of the right amount and type of care.
NTA
Are you welcome to join her therapy sessions? I can pretty much guarantee that your wife isn’t telling her therapist the whole story.
Whst your describing isn’t a therapist, its someone who’s enabling her coping mechanisms and undermining your marriage.
First off I would seriously do some bach ground information on the therapist. To me the whole ‘your son essentially killed the healthy version of himself’ is the biggest load of 🐄💩 ever.
The ‘therapist’ sounds like a AH who gets off on manipulating parents who are already near breaking point and further alienating them from others. I would report him / her to whatever professional organisation they are a member of.
Your older son needs protection if this is truly her views. He’s not withholding affection as much as his programming isn’t wired to give or receive it. How can someone who has an autistic child be this ignorant of the condition.
Honestly the whole vibe of this ‘therapist’ is off. If you want any future with your wife, I’d insist on couple’s therapy with a different therapist – not one reccomended by this quack.
She sounds almost like she’s been brainwashed and unless she is open to changing her views, the best thing may be to get your eldest away from her. Not sure where you would stand on the younger one, but it sounds like she has replaced your neuro-diverse child with your ‘regular’ one.
Have you ever met the therapist to do joint sessions? It might give you some clarity on what is going on.
Either your wife is seriously ill or the therapist is also seriously ill and should be disbarred/reported.
I don’t think therapists usually make statements like “this is xyz abuse”. I thought they were supposed to be more neutral/focus on how the patient processes trauma.
Either way something very extreme is going on and getting angry isn’t going to help. Can you talk to your wife’s family?
Your wife is weaponising therapy to abuse both you and your son.
Caring for an autistic child under 3 is a very hard thing to do and it sounds like she’s getting very little help from you. I think you need to talk to her therapist to make sure he is saying these things. Your wife’s life has been turned upside down, and now she is having a mental breakdown. She is trapped in a house w an autistic child.
Now you’re mad bc u have to step up and be a dad and care for the older child?? Poor you. I also noticed this whole post is all about you. Nothing of the struggles she is facing while dealing with an autistic child. So yeah, she is struggling. Maybe you should adult up and act like a parent and a husband instead of it being all about poor me?? Maybe you should see what she goes through each day. It sounds like she had a mental breakdown and your response is poor wittle me. Poor boo. Whatever. And if you divorce her, you’ll be forced to see what it’s like to care for an autistic child. So yeah, maybe divorce is best so she can find a more supportive man instead of her third child.
Man up, little boy, and be a supportive husband and father! Stop making this about you and divorce is the easy way out.
This sounds like the story about the woman who abused their autistic son until he died because her friend/therapist convinced her to. The husband was also complicit in it. I think there was a Netflix doc on it.
UpdateMe
I mean… this situation isn’t easy at all and your wife is clearly not well. Why not try couples therapy (with a different therapist of course)? Maybe it could open her eyes (and make you understand her better too)
Not an AH, but I think it would be better to get a mediator before a divorce attorney. Your wife is sick (I think) and the current therapist isn’t helping, don’t she, your relationship, your family deserve an attempt with a new therapist? (Do not suggest a different therapist, suggest couples therapy with someone completely new to ensure both of you are comfortable)
I can’t imagine a therapist saying most of this stuff. Is there any chance you can talk your wife into a couple’s session? It would be good to get clarification from the therapist themselves on what the therapist heard from your wife and what the therapist said in response.
You could frame it as couples counseling.
(Frankly, any therapist who actually said that your eldest was abusive, much less a “disease” would be up for paying a big settlement. When it turns out it was just your wife saying this about her own child… Custody won’t be a problem.)
That therapist needs to have their licenses revoked. It doesn’t sound like they performing the function professionally that they are supposed to provide. Instead they are gassing up your wife and draining money. They are not supposed to “tell” her anything. They are supposed to guide them instead. They are not supposed to make assumptions about the other party without meeting with them as well. I’d report the therapist
NTA
Not everyone that calls himself a therapist is one. Not every therapist is a good one. Even a good therapist is not necessarily a good match to everyone.
Time to move on and save your children.
Your wife sounds like a piece of shit. She’s a narcissistic, lazy, user abusing your kindness.
Drop her. You were an idiot for having more kids with her. The amount of damage she’s going to cause your children, she needs to be locked up for child abuse.
If you ask me, I doubt her therapist really said all that. And if they did, it depends on how it was brought up to them
What about if you make an appointment with the therapist to find out?
NTA but have you ever gone with her to her therapist and spoke to the therapist? Some patients twist the narrative to others and use therapy and as club to hit other over the head with. If I were you I would ask for a court ordered evaluation by a new therapist of her behavior citing her neglect of the older child and full custody of both kids with supervised visitation and a step up plan for her if she can prove to be a capable parent to both kids
Report this therapist, holy shit. And take your older son away from that woman immediately.
This is so fucking dangerous. Do not leave your older son alone with her under any circumstance
I seriously doubt the therapist has said those things, at least not if given even resembling accurate information. But if they have, they are not a good therapist.
NTA. Your marriage is clearly in deep trouble.
It does sound like you might dismiss her concerns. It seems clear your older is in fact on the autistic spectrum.
I’m very sorry to read this state of your home life, and the deteriorating care for your kids.
Do you have any documentation that confirm or prove any of these incidents?
I think in the first place you should focus on your kids, can you safely get out, and get custody of them?
In a second wave, it might be good to report the therapist, if a) you have the energy to take that on and b) that’s even an option (in my area, therapist and coach aren’t protected job titles, unlike say electrician or lawyer, so while we can make a report and get the therapist kicked off the social security list, there’s nothing stopping them from opening a private practice. They could have studied psychology but routinely sleep with clients, they could just feel that, IDK, memorizing Taylor Swift’s entire œuvre means they’ll always have a helpful lyric on hand and that’s enough).
It seems to me that your lawyer friend is curiously, bizarrely, incomprehensibly idealistic. Like, I see their point that swear words aren’t the solution bla bla bla insults don’t help bla bla maybe your wife is undiagnosed and attacking the one fixed point she’s predicated her identity on is risky bla bla bla…
But hello? She’s spouting the eugenic dog whistle that your son supposedly killed her baby. She’s furiously labelling anything and everything abusive, even preventing her from walking into broken glass.
This is a case, imo, of “put on your own oxygen mask first”, and I find it weird that your friend doesn’t see that. Seek out a different lawyer.
You are both assholes.
Are you sure your wife is telling the truth about what her therapist said?
Please protect that precious boy at all cost! SHE is abusive by talking about human and emotionally abandoning him like that!
He should have to grow up being disliked by his own mother.
Please get him away from her as much as possible! This is creating childhood trauma that poor little man is going to have to live with for the rest of his life!
He should not be in an environment where the mother things he is a parasite. He should live in an environment where he is loved and cared for!
NTA you need to divorce as soon as possible, seems like the therapist is playing on her insecurities and paranoia.
Yikes! Your wife and her therapist are both ableist and your wife is just as you said a neglectful parent!
Divorce her and file for full custody of both kids, if you can I’d hire a private detective to do an extensive background check on the therapist as well, somethings off about her and being a therapist doesn’t always equate to being healthy or being a good person!
As a parent of an autistic child I have no literal words and audibly gasped. Also the risk of having a second child with Autism is higher, so I’m shocked she had a second. However I can understand if she wasn’t honestly informed of this possibility. Or she was but ignored it or thought it was a lie.
NTA. Leave and file full custody for your older son.
I’m very doubtful that your wife is telling the truth about what the therapist is saying. Unless she got the world’s worst therapist, that is
NTA. I used to suggest therapy for pretty much everyone because I’ve benefitted from it so much. It’s people like your wife that are the reason I don’t anymore. Now, maybe she really does just have some awful therapist who is truly saying all these things. Or, and what’s far more likely, she’s weaponizing therapy against you. Once abusive and controlling people learn therapy speak, they will weaponize it as a way to silence you further. When I first started reading I thought, ok maybe if she struggled with paperwork she might just be neurodivergent herself (full disclosure, I’m AuDHD so I get frustrated easily with paperwork). But she clearly resents your first child for being autistic. She likely blames you for it (when one, it’s nothing to blame anyone for because it’s not a bad thing and two, either one of you could’ve genetically passed it down). If she’s talking about it being this awful disease that killed her real kid, then she’s twisting his mere existence as an autistic kid as abusive to her, and by proxy she’s twisting you as being his father as abusive. Which is so ridiculous I can’t put it into words. And it intentionally ignores the ways she’s treating you both, which actually is abusive. Please, if you end up divorcing, fight for custody. She’s gonna spend that poor kid’s entire childhood simultaneously cutting him off from treatment while convincing him and everyone around him that he’s abusive for the very behaviors he could be getting help for but isn’t. All so she can be the victim and the martyr.
To me the most sad and horrible part is it seems she was disappointed that her fislrst child was damaged in her eyes, so she had a new one and pretends her first child is some disease that she has replaced with a more normal child. She sounds like a monster.. and her and her therapist deserve each other. I hope she won’t have visitation with her older child when you get this done.
ESH. Why would you bring another fucking kid into this shit show of a marriage? Why didn’t you leave when she said her toddler was abusing her? What’s going to happen when the second kid starts “abusing” her? Stop enabling this bullshit and protect your kids.
I wonder how much of this is your wife attempting to gas light you, while using the therapists credentials to give it substance. If that isn’t the case, your therapist will end up with a special on iD pretty soon, and a lifetime movie within the decade.
Im wondering if shes skipping details. Instead of there was glass on the floor, it was just he pushed me. Instead of we had a fight, it was he refuses affection.
I’d be inclined to make an appointment with her therapist, because I doubt that she’ll go for a joint session, although that would be my first option. If she refuses to make a joint session, id take that as shes weaponising your actions, and possibly weaponising what her therapist has said about your son. I reckon shes conveniently missed out the autism diagnosis, or shes only picked up what she wants to hear.
NTA
Your wife needs a different therapist which she adamantly refuses.
You need to put the needs of both of your children first. And that means a divorce.
NTA – I am not certain it is the therapist saying these things or if it is the way your wife is interpreting them. I do not know if you can actually speak to her therapist or have a joint session, but perhaps you can ask before pulling the plug on the marriage. As someone who has been in your situation, I feel for you.
Updateme!
NTA at all and I urge you to report this therapist to your state licensing board. She is abusing your oldest and you need to do everything to protect him. You also need to document EVERYTHING so you can also protect your youngest from growing up with her venom in his ear. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. UpdateMe
NTA but this is the least of your worries. I have concerns that your wife has some kind of serious psychiatric disorder. Also, she needs a new therapist. I know you don’t want to put even more money and time into this, but is there a chance you could see a couples therapist just to maybe get a better perspective on things?
If you do divorce, I worry for your children and being alone with your wife, especially your oldest son. So sorry this is happening, it must be gut-wrenching.
First off, autistic children do not withhold affection. They are wired differently. My daughter is autistic. She’s not an affectionate person. That therapist needs to be reported. You need to take your kids and get out. At the very least until she (your wife)comes to her senses. My daughter’s diagnosis changed me too. But it changed me to be better for her. To help her live a normal life. Not to ignore her and act like she’s abusive for being different.
I know there’s a lot more to unpack there but it comes down to your kids. Especially the autistic one. They have enough obstacles in life without their parent being one of them. Just because some autistic people aren’t affectionate doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings.
Also as for him kicking her during a fit. . . That’s normal child behavior and as his parents hers and your job is to teach him that’s not ok. The fact that she is saying the child (autistic or not)is abusive is just wild to me.