Hi everyone, so for context me and my husband have 3 kids aged 5, 3 and 2, and I’m pregnant with twins. My MIL lives close by, think 15-20 minutes max. For a while we would always send our kids over to spend time with her when we needed to get out the house.
However recently, we’ve realized her house is becoming a less safe environment for our kids. She started refusing to put stuff away and baby proof, saying our kids we’re too old for her to have to do that stuff. Last time I was over there there were scissors on the coffee table, glass figurines, lots of wires and cords everywhere, just a whole lot of safety hazards. Not a biggie if she was watching them constantly, so we let it slide.
Then, MIL’s dog, (a doberman mix) that was supposed to be locked in the other room during visits, bit our (then) one year old hard on the arm and MIL didn’t inform us until we came to pick him up, and he was crying. We took him to the hospital to make sure he didn’t need stitches or anything on it. he ended up being fine with only some topical gel and large bandaid. But the fact MIL didn’t do anything like that herself was jarring to me. After that we stopped letting them go over there at all.
It’s been a year since that incident, and I decided to fly out for a day to meet my sisters new baby with my husband. We let the kids stay at her place for the first time in a while. It went well and we decided to start allowing regular visits again. (Also bc the dog passed away and is no longer a danger, he was sweet but he couldn’t be trusted with kids)
We found out after about 5 visits, that she was regularly having her boyfriend/s over there while the kids were there, and taking our kids to her house while we we’re out and she was meant to be babysitting at ours. We asked her multiple times not to until one day our oldest came home and said he felt uncomfortable around her boyfriend. That’s when I drew the line and said no more visits without us there. My husband was upset saying it’s not fair to permanently keep them away.
Here’s where it actually started.
A few days ago, MIL was asked to babysit at our place while me and my husband went to an appointment. So while you’re gone my MIL texted my husband and asked, is it ok if I take the kids to my house and we’re just gonna chill there instead, and my husband texted back and said, sure just get them home by 3 when we get home. Keep in mind, he didn’t tell me anything, I was literally getting an ultrasound, and he just texted her back and was like, yes, you can take them. Even though we’ve had this conversation many times that they can’t go.
So anyway, when we’re on the way back, I guess he gets a text from my mother in law and it comes on to the car that were driving through Bluetooth, so I read the text, and it’s like, oh, running a little bit late back to the house. So I asked, oh, whered they go like did they get ice cream or something. And he says, no, I let her take the kids to her house. So pretty much it turns into like this whole big fight because honestly, I felt really disrespected. Anyway, when we get home we go inside and her boyfriends there. This is the same guy that my kid was like, I feel uncomfortable around, and we told her that we didn’t want him, or any other strangers around our kids, so the fact that she had the audacity to bring him into our house, is like what? So yeah, I was really mad at her, and I started screaming at her. I told her she was a shitty person for bringing in a stranger that my kid feels uncomfortable around into my house. Then I yelled at my husband for not telling me and explaining to me that he was sending our kids off with someone that I told him I didn’t trust and that we both agreed on that would not be allowed near our kids at her house. I feel so betrayed and disrespected honestly. My husband was yelling and screaming at me, saying that that’s his mom, and that was being unfair and unreasonable, and that she has a right to seeing these kids, and then my mother-in-law backed him up and saying, yeah, these are my grandkids, I have a right to see them, you can’t keep them away from me, and I was yelling and saying, this was kidnapping, I didn’t say you could take the kids anywhere, and I told you they’re not allowed at your house, and you brought them there.
So basically, she left, her boyfriend left, and I packed up me and my kids things, and I drove the 5 hour drive to my other sisters house, and that’s where I’ve been for the past few days because I need a break.
Am I overreacting? I feel like someone should have told me that the kids were going there and he tried to keep this a secret from me which makes it worse. I’ve been in contact with him in like texting him and calling him so we can try and work smth out, but he’s not backing down, but I am also not backing down. MIL’s boyfriend gives major creep vibes too.
Also my husband screamed at me over this and said not to come back if im going to alienate his mother. I feel awful because it wasn’t my intention I just don’t want. My kids around some stranger that makes them uncomfortable and a woman who doesn’t properly watch them. He also sent a text saying
“You and those little asshats can stay away if your like this to my mother. I can send them wherever I want. (MIL’s bf’s name) is a good guy, Sage (our son) is making stuff up he’s a baby. I want to work things out but you need to respect my mother. “
Idek. He’s never like this and I’m shocked.
AITAH?
ETA: I screen shotted and documented each of the texts and incidents. I responded to his text saying
“Your defending the guy who is trying to SA your child just because he’s with your mom. These kids are not asshats, maybe you need to do some work on yourself if you want to see them again. You mean a lot to me but the safety of our children means more. Talk soon”
He responded telling me to grow up and “come the fuck home immediately with my kids or else there will be issues.” He also said he’s going to show up and to have the kids ready, so I called my brother to come over just for peace of mind.
Comments
ESH
why do you keep relying on her for babysitting?
Grandma can visit whenever you’re home, or not at all. These are your children. You’re the only one who can call the shots.
I think you have to ask yourself the end game here.
You are NTA for wanting things a certain way with your kids, but they aren’t JUST your kids and you left with your husband’s kids too.
If you all Don’t get back together, he gets the kids up to 50% or the time and he can let whoever he wants around them even ever he wants.
I’ll be honest, I would flip my shit at strange men around my kids, but I definitely wouldn’t leave over it because the alternative is giving up all control of your kids on their dads time.
I would suggest couples therapy so you all can learn to present a united front and communicate effectively.
Are you fucking kidding me? You kept letting her take care of your children?! That dog bite should have been the final straw! Jesus Christ!!
NTA for moving out, but ESH for endangering those poor children so consistently.
If he gives you the creeps, listen to your gut. It never lies.
Also, your husband needs to back you up on this. Otherwise, don’t go home. Keep the texts as evidence.
YTA for ever letting her watch them again when you’re not there after all the other stuff. So is your husband for giving her permission you don’t agree to.
If it weren’t for the boyfriend making your kids uncomfortable I’d say it sounds like a disagreement between you and your husband on what’s safe, although I still fault him for not being upset about the dog bite. However, he isn’t looking out for your kids’ safety with respect to this guy so I’m glad you left. Now you have to decide what to do next. I suggest immediate marriage counseling assuming you want to try to make this work. That needs to include an agreement in boundaries with his mother, best mediated by a counselor.
NTA
The fact that your husband is ignoring his child’s complaint that he feels uncomfortable around Grandma’s boyfriend is absolutely toxic as hell.
And this came after her dog bit a one year old… And she did nothing…
Your partner is counting on you not being able to leave him. Three kids and two on the way?
He thinks that at this point, he can say, whatever he wants, and do whatever he wants, and you won’t be able to do anything about it.
Your kids are at risk, and since he refuses to see that, you need to do whatever it takes to keep your kids safe.
NTA. If only to yourself for having so many kids while in a questionable relationship. Why do some women keep having children with momma’s boys? I feel for you, but having so many kids while your relationship with your husband isn’t that great to begin with…
NTA if you decide to stay with him, MIL can see the kids supervised at your home without her boyfriend who sounds like a predator. If she wants to take them out you need to go with them. But after the dog incident and her not caring that your kids are scared of her boyfriend you need to have very serious words with hubby. Explain to him if the boyfriend lays a finger on your kids, he will be to blame as much as MIL and the boyfriend and you will press charges and file for divorce and he’ll be kept away from his kids as much as possible for allowing them in unsafe conditions! Updateme
Also when your kid says they feel uncomfortable around a boyfriend make sure there was no SA! Tell tale sign, kids usually don’t say stuff until something has happened!
Sounds like you husband is a fool. Not protecting his kids. Might be time for a divorce get a good attorney and keep records of the dog bit and kid MIL bring several strange man around you kids.
You husband is not backing you and lied to you face. You can’t trust him anymore and he has disrespected you. Let you attorney know of your safety concerns with the MIL not even calling or taking your kid to the hospital after the dog bite and the house is not kid friendly at all .
Hopefully this will wake your husband up he is about to lose his family. If he does not . Best move you could ever make leaving him.
NTA. If both you and the child are uncomfortable, then something is off and the boyfriend should not be allowed around your children, period. No compromises.
Ask your husband what he will do if the boyfriend commits a crime against your child? Maybe this can be discussed with a martial counselor?
As far as the “right to see the grandkids”, um no. Grandma has ZERO rights to see the kids, especially since one was bitten by a dog while in her care and that her boyfriend makes one uncomfortable.
I wouldn’t go back until it was set in stone the boundaries about his mom. She is not a safe person for your kids and it’s time daddie dearest learns that his children’s safety is more important than his mommie’s feelings.
NTA. Stop trusting your mil with your children…she has proved time and time again she can’t be trusted and disregards what you want. His mother has NO right to see your kids when she defiantly exposes them to potential child molesters!!! Don’t go back until you work through this in marriage counseling. I would not trust husband alone with kids either since he ignores your concerns about the children’s safety and will likely let his mother do what she wants with them anyway.
Please stop procreating with this guy. He’s a mama’s boy and he won’t change.
You need to document EVERYTHING! And you might want a professional child forensic psychologist to interview your child to make sure nothing happened while at Grandma’s. At the very minimum your spouse doesn’t give a shit about his own child’s feelings. What an a$$hat! Total momma’s boy – yikes.
My MIL didn’t care about my kids to watch them. When I realized my kids could be on fire in the kitchen and my mom wouldn’t notice, I was done with free babysitters.
He referred to your children as asshats? Gross.
Really? This is what he sent you? “You and those little asshats can stay away if your like this to my mother. I can send them wherever I want.” and you’re considering reconciliation?
That text would be it for me.
I’d be seeing an attorney asap
NTA
He’s a pos.
NTA. He called his own children “little asshats” and told you and them to stay away. What the hell else does he need to say to you? He is not a man, he is not a husband, he is not a father. He is lower than a steaming pile of cow dung and that is being overly generous!
YTA for not giving your body a break. Like damn let the coochie heal.
You keep the kids and file for custody and divorce immediately. You get a therapist for your 5yo to figure out what the BF is doing and you screenshot that text and save it as well and make sure it’s kept with multiple trusted people so that you have it for court.
Your husband is a disgusting mamas boy who’d sooner serve his kid up to a stranger and call him a liar than protect his family. It’s time for your to protect your kids.
NTA for leaving but it’s ridiculous you kept allowing her to babysit after she repeatedly endangered your children.
Is your husband trying to get a divorce from you as well as never seeing his kids again? Because it sounds like it’s going in that direction.
The fact your husband referred the kids as “asshats” say loads. Screenshot everything and send it to yourself and a very trusted person. Seek the advice of a family attorney.
NTA, protect your kids and save the texts where he calls his kids asshats and admits he thinks the creepy guy who makes his young son uncomfortable is a “good guy” and fine around his vulnerable children… that text may come in handy. Be sure your attorney receives it.
NTA. You cannot trust your MIL or now your husband. Your MIL has a history of potential child endangerment and not following your instructions about your children. Time to seriously consider if this relationship is still viable. At the very least your children should not be left alone with your MIL.
He called his kids little asshats? That text… he would be d$ad to me… choosing his irresponsible mom over you and his own kids safety
NTA
Don’t comeback. And good thing you have the hospital visit report about the dog biting your lid so you can use it in court
NTA. Your husband and his mother are a-holes. Not sure what you can do other than call it quits and demand a divorce. It sounds like your husband feels that his greatest loyalty is to his mom, not his wife and children. Not really a husband worth keeping, IMHO.
Another poor woman that threw her life away marrying a mama’s boy. When are women going to stop making their sons into bad husbands?
I would be taking that text to the nearest lawyer and fighting for full custody of the kids. Your husband is horrible. NTA.
Eta – you should have stopped having her watch the kids and paid for a baby sitter. Your husband is a weak pathetic man. Your mil is disrespectful of your rules.
NTA. You need a good divorce lawyer and some REALLY GOOD birth control. If your husband is gonna choose his mother over you and over the kids’ safety and wellbeing, divorce him and get child support.
Time to start documenting. Get a case going of why your mil is not a safe person and someone who puts your kids in danger. You will need this to keep her away legally. Lawyer up immediately.
Asshats??? That’s what he call his own kids? That and the fact he is prioritizing his mother over you means that you should keep your distance from all of them. I understand that you needed childcare while at your appointment and you wanted to believe that MIL could be trusted, but she showed again that she failed miserably. Hubby needs a reality check to remember that you and the kids are his priority, not his mom.
hire a pi to do a deep dive on this guy. your kid got the creeps from him. you know there is a history. get a deep dive and if the guy hangs out at bars? the pi can chat him up to see just how much of a concern this is. follow the kid’s gut feeling. get an emergency phone for the 5yo w just your number in it, a cheaply, and send it when your husband allows the kids at his mothers. so he has a way to call you or 911. now this is an extreme solution to your very extreme problem.
best case? the guy has a record and is violating his probation by being around kids. that can be resolved w a phone call. 😈
NTA
You absolutely did the right thing. Your husband also showed you that as his wife, you are not his number one. His mother is. That won’t change at his age, sadly. So your options, unfortunately, are to let it go and let husband have his way or leave him. It very much sounds like there are 3 people in your marriage. I say it over and over in here, when you choose to marry and build a life, that is your priority. The rest become extended family. It sickens me what he referred to your kids as, too. No going back from that BS.
Save those messages, your lawyer will need them.
NTA
If my husband EVER spoke about our children the way your husband did, I would never go back to that house. I think you should consult with an attorney immediately. And don’t tell him you’re doing it.
UpdateMe
File for a divorce and go for full custody, maybe consider selling the house and moving closer to your family
NTA- your maternal instinct is strong and that’s usually for a reason.
Wow. Who did you marry? And why? I am guessing there are socioeconomic factors involved here, but if this is real get a lawyer. If you have to borrow money do it. You need full custody of the kids.
Don’t go back. I know you have twins coming and it’ll be hard but… Your son needs to be safe and you can’t do that if he’s being told he’s a liar about what was done/said. I hope you get full custody.
He called his own kids ass hats. Make sure to keep this his evidence he get zero custody. He asked you to keep them away and the one message divorce get it over with make sure to get plenty of child support and never let these people around them again NTA please keep your kids safe.
It’s time to consult an attorney. Immediately. And follow their advice.
Run a background check on the boyfriend.
So your husband would rather try and placate his mommy and not hurt her feelings, and in doing so not protect his son who is not feeling safe around his mommy’s boyfriend? You have a husband problem that defies understanding. Your husband is not a man/partner to you, he is happy just being mommy‘s little boy. Maybe his mommy didn’t protect him from somebody when he was chronologically a little boy, so he doesn’t see a problem. But he better see the problem, immediately. You need to have a long talk with your husband without the children around. He needs to either agree to counseling or he can find a divorce attorney. His behavior is way out of line. Tell him to stop setting you on fire to keep his mommy warm. Your children come first. He is a husband and a father. It’s time he starts acting like one instead of acting like a child who needs to obey his mommy.
You have a lot of sound advice here which you should take onboard but I want to add something else.
STOP HAVING BABIES WITH THIS MAN!!!
YTA you have 3 kids under 5, need help caring for them & decided to get pregnant again? With twins? Then you left the 3 you have in the care of an unsafe adult? I’m glad you woke up hopefully it not too late to keep your children safe.
NTA You keep your kids safe.
Updateme
NTA
But PLEASE… talk to a lawyer. First thing tomorrow. Today, if you can.
This is not OK. Your husband sounds unhinged.
Your husband referred to his children as “those little asshats.” MIL is not the problem here.
NTA What you need to do is contact an attorney NOW. Believe me, it pays to make the first strike in child custody cases.
” There are no issues here but the ones you hold value of over your children’s safety. This was the final straw, I cannot allow you to continually put our children into harm’s way. “
NTA Dont accept his phone calls where he wants to chat. Keep it all on text and email, screenshot each one. Speak calmly and concisely, outlining their behaviour, the SA and the fact that her home is not a safe environment for the children because of the state she lives in.
“Don’t come back” ? OK, go see a divorce attorney. Tell them all of this. Get as much in text as you can, because you surely do not want him to have any custody.
Please don’t go back. He might be involved with the abuse if he’s willing to turn a blind eye or been abused himself by his mother and her bfs growing up. Keep the text protect yourself and the kids. Look into an emergency restraining order for yourself and the kids at the very least against your mother in law and her bf if you don’t want to go that far with your husband
Your husband is a mama’s boy. Your MIL can’t be away from her boyfriend? That’s suspicious to me. Children never lie. If Sage is uncomfortable, I would follow up on it. Something could have happened. Also, your husband is horrible if that’s what he calls your children. I would start looking for an attorney. Something is off.
Jaw dropped when you let her babysit again. ESH
ESH. Your baby was bitten and you did not to prevent it from happening again. This need to be a permanent separation not temporary
NTA but you would be if you stay with that man, he called the kids that took both of yall to make asshats, I can’t tell if he’s a mamas boy or just a shitty husband and father. Keep you and your kids far away from those weirdos, I don’t doubt that he will do the same thing with out your knowledge