I’ve been in a sexless marriage for over 2 years now, no sex, no intimacy , not as much as a hug or holding hands what so ever. (We’ve both been doing therapy to work on some of the other issues we have between us).
I occasionally masturbate when I get a chance. This morning, I got up early and felt horny (morning wood), so I went to the other room and was masturbating with porn on the phone and headphone in my ears. Suddenly my wife entered the room and asked me to get out of the bed. I asked why what happened as you’ve been sleeping in the other room. She said I want to sleep in this room now. Then as I started to get out of the bed, she snatched my phone from me unlocked it and saw what was on the screen and called me disgusting and asked to get out of the room.
I said I’ve to do “something” sometimes, to which she said yea you’re doing amazing things here whole day, sitting here and watching porn. Then she again (angrily) asked me to get out of the room. I went to sit in the living room. And now she’s been crying hystericallyloudly (like so loud that neighbors might come knocking or call the cops)for last 15-20 mins, like how one would cry if someone’s loved one dies.
Her reaction made me feel as if I’m doing
- either some henious thing that only low-lifes would do
- or something so disgusting that I should be ashamed of the person I am.
Comments
You’re not disgusting, you’re human. This feels less about porn and more about the cracks in your marriage showing.
YTA for posting this as if a bunch of strangers can solve your troubles- you are in therapy – that’s where you work this out.
NTA, if she doesnt want to have sex she cant be mad when you take matters into your own hands.
its not like you were out with someone else, why does she care?
do either of you enjoy this marriage? it sounds miserable, what’s the point?
NTA.
It would seem more work is needed between you and your spouse if your marriage is going to continue. It’s not fair to you that your needs aren’t being met and then you’re shown disdain for trying to do something about it (in a non-adulterous way).
This is kinda ESH situation. You did something your wife is cleraly not comfortable with and your wife shouldn’t be rude to you.
you do need to decide if this marriage is sustainable long term, because right now, both of you seem trapped in a cycle where your needs aren’t being met and her emotions are running high enough to escalate small incidents into major crises.
Honestly, I don’t think you’re the AH here. You’ve been in a sexless marriage for 2 years, and masturbation is a normal outlet. Her reaction sounds way out of proportion
YTA The problem isn’t masturbating, its porn. some of y’all have no idea what you’re consuming and it shows.
NTA. She sounds controlling and the wailing seems a bit extra, almost manipulative too. (Someone else called it a tantrum, I agree.)
If you’re not getting any, you’re allowed. Almost all men do it. It’s healthy.
It’s not that serious. She needs to pull herself together. She needs to ”build a bridge 🌉🌁 …and GTF over it.”
You can tell her I told her that. 😂
Either your relationship is doomed or your wife is insane.
Take your pick
dude forget therapy, leave and file for divorce. she’s a lost cause. she won’t fuck you for 2 years then has a screaming and wailing tantrum because you attempted to get one out after 2 years of nothing from her?? after that long she should consider herself lucky you weren’t railing a ho in the spare bedroom let alone just flogging the dolphins!! not condoning cheating but ffs how else is a dude expected go without shooting a load!?!? don’t walk, RUN (from her). doing so will at least allow you to take care of business without some crazy woman trying to force you into spending the rest of your life with giant swollen painful blue balls. “grow a pair” and leave this emotional train wreck you call a wife! NTA.
NTA. Im sure she has masturbated before on her own as well. She was probably more upset about what you were watching. Was is something that is like the complete opposite of her or maybe the type of act you were watching was something she had told you no about in the past?
Regardless what she did sounds very emotionally and verbally abusive tbh. She shamed you and insulted you. Id call your therapist for an emergency visit or something. She should not be allowed to treat you like that when you have simply been trying to relieve yourself.
Your needs are not being met.
NTA. You can’t be expected to stifle your sexual needs just because she does. It’s not like you’re balls deep in someone else.
You’re not disgusting. Her carrying on like a child tho… that’s pathetic.
I think this relationship is unfixable. NTA. She has some deep damages if she is this upset over a very normal activity. You weren’t pressuring her nor just doing this next to her while she slept (which would be fine if she was ok with that). It sounds like you have done all you can to work through all the issues, but she is not.
A lot of people think porn is the reason for not having intimacy with one’s partner. If you need sex badly, you shouldn’t need porn to jerk off. If you need porn, then she thinks you’re completely unattracted to her and she’s lacking something that you see in porn videos. You both clearly have issues. But I assure you watching porn in an unlocked room while trying to fix marital issues is a stupid move. From this perspective only YTA.
There are a whole lot of reasons to not be married to her outlined in the first three paragraphs. Read them yourself. NTA.
You did nothing wrong, you were just taking care of an urge. She’s probably distressed because she doesn’t have as tight of a grip on your sexual pleasure as she thought or something. This sounds like a miserable marriage, why are you still in it?
I think she’s probably angry about the porn not the wanking. Have a proper conversation with her but your needs matter too
Not fully sure of the validity of this story.
NTA
If she doesn’t want you watching porn then maybe she should recognize there’s no sex in the marriage and change it. She’s wrong, not you
The first sentence of their post says otherwise.
Why are yall even still married?
Sounds awful. I’d bail.
I have more questions though- like has she recently tried to initiate you know what recently? Because I could definitely see someone being hurt if they put themselves out there to you (especially if it’s been awhile), but you chose porn ‘instead’. And her comment about “doing amazing things here all day, sitting here watching porn”.. is this a normal thing for her to find you like this & are you contributing to the household and relationship still (not through seggs)?
This seems like only half the story.
Honestly can’t tell if yta but I recommend maybe going to talk to her and asking what about what just happened made her so hurt & tell her that you want to understand & be on the same page.
A) why wasn’t the door locked? B) I suspect the issue was the porn more than the self pleasuring
More info needed
I may be way off but damn if this didn’t scream CONTROLLING on her part. So no sex for two years then barges in and demands use of the room while you are taking care of yourself. The tears also sound crazy controlling.
Time for a divorce
Is porn a boundary in your marriage? If you know she doesn’t like that then YTA
She is emotionally manipulating you all day. There’s nothing wrong with what you did and all kinds of things wrong with what she did. You say you’ve been trying to work on things in therapy but I don’t think she wants to work on things. Divorce already. NTA.
You’re not the asshole here, but next time, try getting your spouse in the mood first before going solo..that way, you’ve got some solid ground to stand on if she flips out. Plus, she’s probably pissed because it involves eyeing other women on screen. Keep that in mind moving forward, and you’ll be totally justified in calling her out if she pulls this again.
Maybe she saw what sperm banks pay and she got upset about all the money you let slip through your fingers.
Divorce.
Nta
From a female perspective I think she’s upset because she probably misses sex and intimacy too – and this was just a reminder of the state of your marriage. Nothing wrong with porn and masturbation. But have you worked out why you’re in a sexless marriage? Is all of the mental load of the household +/- kids on her? Do you share household tasks 50:50? Do you tell her how valued she is, compliment and understand her love language? Sex is much more complicated for women. There’s a reason that research shows men who do more housework get more sex.
Just putting across another viewpoint for her reaction. But masturbation isn’t dirty or disgusting.
Why are you even there anymore. Sure love, but you’re maybe best friends now, or maybe friends. You can still be friends, but def not a couple unless giving sex in any form or touching is something you’re willing to do.
I don’t think she’s crying because you are masturbating. She is crying because the marriage is not as she wants it to be I presume.
NTA but this sucks man good luck
Whoa…she’s got issues. And the whole room switch thing? Nah. Plus that loudass fake crying so others can hear.
I’m guessing you’re the problem and that’s why you’re marriage sucks (according to her).
I would have problem with the porn if the relationship had a healthy sexual relationship.
I would wonder why that person needs porn instead of their SO. Or why can’t they find something they both like and watch it together but in this case, she’s finding any reason to make something out of nothing.
Honestly I struggled with my partner watching porn. Because they excessively watched it. But then we started to do long distance every now and then(college student) and we’d be apart for a month or two. I just couldn’t expect that of him considering I wasn’t there? That’s not fair. We still make it a thing not to do it too much. Like watch porn because it’s a addiction for my partner in the past and he’s such a great person that he gave it up in moderation for me:)
Sounds like you need to get a job and do some housework.
Her actions are a bit crazy – telling you to get out of the spare bed as she wants to sleep in it? In the morning? And what’s with letting her snatch your phone and unlock it? Stand up for yourself man!!
Marriage is over. Time to deal with it.
Dude, run.
Im honestly stuck on the whole, you went to another room to do this and she came it to tell you to get out because she wants to sleep in there? What the actual fuck is that about? Just lying to get you out of bed? Why would you even comply with that? Forget about the porn that sounds manipulative as fuck. Masturbation is natural and normal. NTA, but you should probably think about separation because this does not sound healthy.
I have never gotten mad at my husband for watching porn and masturbating, especially after 2 back to back pregnancies. The only time I would be upset is if he was doing that and not me when I do want it, or if he was doing it so much that he couldn’t get it up for me.
TMI 🤢
NTA
YTA for staying in a relationship where you are unhappy.
NTA for masturbating. Honestly for me this is the normal thing in the world (even in a relationship) I am a woman and do it too, and my bf too. Sometimes the horny phase doesn’t match, so masturbating is completely normal. It’s NOT like you cheat 🤷
Jeez. Im nearly 10 years into my relationship, married 8 years. Im going through a dry spell and feel guilty as hell. I’d approve my husband using porn and masturbating if it means he gets that pleasure.
Unless you were the one denying sex/intimacy but still using porn to get off, then you ANTAH. Do what ya need.
If you don’t have kids, definitely get a divorce. This marriage isn’t working. Find someone more compatible.
If you can afford to, get divorced. It’s not going to get better. Speaking from experience good luck God bless.
That kind of crying is ugly crying. That’s heartbreaking into tiny pieces crying. That’s the sound of your marriage ending. Look for divorce papers any day.
Dude she wants you to come to her rescue!! Bust in grab her and just get it on!!! All other problems aside she proably feels undesirable but some women just want to be parden my French be fucked! It’s not lady like to say out loud but it’s the truth
What are you doing? This little glimpse into your life made me genuinely sad. I think your marriage is doomed. No physical contact in 2 years? That’s crazy. Don’t accept unhappiness because it’s comfortable. Nta. Sorry, man.
“Asking if it’s ok to masturbate” on Reddit gee I wonder what people will say…
I mean, as long as you’re not pressuring her for sex constantly NTA, but you’ve also got physical needs too. If she’s not willing to meet you in the middle, it doesn’t seem like you’re being unreasonable. If you were avoiding sex to masturbate instead, that might be a different problem…but as you’ve phrased it, it doesn’t seem like that’s the issue. NTA
There’s no way she’s hot enough to get away with being this crazy. You can do better. NTA.
NTA. if she was meeting your physical wants and needs then I could see potential AH. However without regular sex no room to complain
Your wife is crazy.
NTA, obviously.
I don’t want to act like I know anything about you and your wifes relationship. But I am not gonna lie, based solely on the info you provided it sounds miserable.
there’s a sexual component to every marriage, and if not, it needs to be defined on clear terms. You are not the asshole, but my thoughts are you have a couple realities you’re looking at:
Tell her: this is my expectations of my partner (i.e. I want to have sex regularly, even if it’s not all the time). If she draws the line in the sand or is disingenuous (agrees in theory but then not in practice), this is not a good partnership for either of you. You can tell her: you might not like the sex we have (if that is the issue), but I will need to find someone that does if you don’t want to work with me on it. This is normal and a perfectly reasonable way to handle your situation.
She is having sex elsewhere and is trying to gaslight you into thinking you are a pervert to justify infidelity instead of handling that like an adult (see above) and telling you that your expectations of sex are not compatible. She might enjoy some other aspect of your relationship, but two years into a marriage, the idea that she’s expecting you to have signed off on an oath of celibacy is ludicrous.
Don’t be a victim, bro. You’ll find out pretty quickly if this thing is salvageable or not.
Geez mate , both sexes would masturbate in such long absence. It’s a natural thing . You will be well to stick it out with that type of carry on from the wife . Hope it all works out for you .
Why do you even want to try to save a relationship like this?
It’s yours and you can clean it as hard and fast as you like. NTA
NTA. Sex is a psychological need.
NTA
I’m not a fan of suggesting this, but it might be time to start contemplating divorce.
She’s got extremely deep-rooted issues if she thinks porn and dealing with morning wood are disgusting. And also “I’m using this room now”… is she twelve? Like
What?
And she basically called you lazy despite… also wanting to do the same thing thus the kicking you out of room???? Okaayyy…
You have needs, they aren’t being met, you’re respectfully handling your needs and not asking her to get involved. Like what does she want you to do, be actually unfaithful so she has an out?
Leave her.
NTA
Your roommate has no say about your self service
NTA. But it’s worth a conversation. To you it’s not a big deal. To her it unlocks insecurities. It unlocks doubt and fear. It pushes her away
NTA. I was in a sexless 9-year relationship with my ex. It’s not going to get better. No shame in taking care of your needs, and I personally (41F) think she’s being extremely unfair and there is nothing wrong with watching porn to take care of your business. I think you should leave this relationship and don’t be like me, going 9 YEARS without any sex, hugs, spooning, anything. It was miserable. Just leave, ya’ll are not sexually compatible, and it sounds like she may have some extreme jealousy issues if she’s freaking out about porn.
Okay, you guys need therapy and to just talk to each other!!!!
obviously watching porn is gross, so you’re the ah there. but it’s tough, you have to have sex in a relationship so i get the masturbating
Your wife is lucky all you are doing is masterbating.
What is this woman like in general? What is your relationship like? I’m thinking no sex is just the tip of the iceberg. NTA.
I pictured the mother in Carrie! All guilt and shame!
That’s why I’m single at 69. You are not the AH. She might be seriously FU!
Lol it’s so typical of modem women. They force you to be celibate, then demand you not even please yourself.
NTA
get a divorce bro. She needs to kick rocks.
She’s crazy homie
Is there a reason you are committed to a relationship that doesn’t make you happy? I don’t advocate for divorce but 2 years without her appreciating you is a lot. TBH it’s been 2 years for me too, we’ve been together for ten. He sleeps on the couch. We deeply love each other and find intimacy in other things. We were wild lovers at the beginning. I guess neither one of us are really bothered to much by it. It’s an odd dynamic, I know. Our situation is different because it isn’t a source of contention and we support each other on other meaningful ways. Do you have that at all with your wife?
Life is short find someone else who you can be happy with.
Info: Is she the one who stopped initiating sex? Does she reject you when you initiate? I’d be upset if I found my husband masturbating if he never gave me the time of day. I probably wouldn’t cry like that but I’d be upset.
Masturbation is normal even in marriages with plentiful sex. Her reaction is way over the top. Glad you guys are in therapy—don’t be surprised if the end result of this therapy is divorce.
Sounds like the over-the-top reaction is guilt mixed with inadequacy and shame. She doesn’t have the control over you that she thought she did. NTA.
Get out before too much time goes by.
Run as fast as you can! Life is too short. NTA!
NTA.
If you can move on please do.
You would think sexual incompatibility is not just about the physical aspect of sex but the mental understanding of sex too.
Masterbation is unnecessarily taboo.
She has her own baggage.
I’d be running for my sanity at this point. She Sounds like a manipulative pos.
Her pov, how can you beat off when you haven’t pleasure her,? The little effort you have is wasted on fairy tale porn instead of her
Why are you still married?
NTA, but not thoughtful
Not enough info to truly answer. Could be disrespect or controlling since on the surface it looks like NTA. Reason I can’t say for sure is since you mentioned ongoing therapy, lack of nonsexual intimacy 2 years, and did not elaborate on context as others have mentioned. Can’t speak for you or your wife. Some partners like the angry kink when in the mood. Part of what you wrote reads like that, meaning you might have dropped the ball with her angry (pent up)initiation. But we can’t read her mind. You can try to talk to her though.
Like the rest of the folks said, if you both are miserable then think about divorce. I’m sorry y’all are going through this