My in-laws invite us & their kids to their lake house every year for a week for that past 11 years. My husband (35M) and I (42F) have 3 kids (youngest is 3) and we join every year.
Yesterday, everyone was planning to go on the boat, including my 3 year old who was excited. My FIL was already on the boat and said to everyone “the rule is you have to say ‘permission to come aboard, Captain’ if you want to come on the boat.” (In the 11 years of being on his boat, I’ve never heard this rule.) My SIL & son said it and got on. Then it was my daughter & I’s turn. My 3 year old doesn’t know 3 out of 5 of those words so she said “please, can I come on the boat.” Her grandfather stared at her (not meanly but with no change in his stance or face). A couple of seconds went by like this. My daughter didn’t say anything else to her grandfather but turned to me and asked if I would say it.
I said “permission to come aboard, Captain?” My FIL continued to look at my daughter. He didn’t acknowledge that I said anything. So I repeated a little louder. My FIL continued to stare at my daughter. Everyone else saw this encounter and also didn’t move or say anything.
So I said nothing more and took my daughter’s hand and we walked back up to the house. I told her we could do something else fun. My daughter started crying and said “why don’t they want me to go?” which broke my heart and made me angry simultaneously.
We went back down to try a 4th time. Before having to ask again, my FIL said “come on, we want you to come with us.” So I swallowed my anger & pride and made sure my daughter had a good time. My FIL & I haven’t brought-up the encounter.
I don’t care what my FIL thinks but I’m nervous to talk to my husband about this. In 11 years of marriage, my husband has only blamed me when I have negative interactions with his parents like this. I do not speak around them except polite, surface-level things. I also avoid talking to my husband because the end result is usually that I’ve done something wrong (in this case it will probably that I felt anger towards his dad when his dad didn’t do anything wrong). So I probably won’t even talk to my husband but I wanted other peoples’ opinion on if I was the AH?
Comments
You sound like a hostage that has been captive way too long
NTA. Your FIL did do something wrong. He was a jerk to a little kid.
Your husband is gaslighting you and I can see where he learned it.
You have a husband problem if he dismisses you and you have a boundary problem for letting it go this long. Have you tried couples therapy?
NTA but your husband is! Why isn’t he backing you up in this situation? Your FIL is a jerk for making his 3 yr old grandchild cry. Red flags all around.
NTA. FIL is. You swallowed your pride so that your daughter could have a good time. You’re a good mom.
Nta. I would have told him to fuck himself and took all my kids home.
NTA but the Stockholm’s is strong here. The family sounds horrible. They don’t don’t like they even like you let alone love you. Who does that to a 3 year old???
Why didn’t you tell your FIL that your daughter doesn’t know those words? He seems to have been playing, but the long stern look was probably a bit much. Had it been me as the captain, I would probably have told a 3 year old “Close enough”, and let her board the boat. On another note, I think that you should stand up to all of them more. AND your husband should have defended his child.
NTA. If your husband thinks this interaction was normal you have a serious problem.
Your husband is a gutless bitch and your FIL is an asshole. There are lots of ways he could handle that situation that wouldn’t have made him an asshole but he chose to be prick to his 3 year old granddaughter and your worthless husband didn’t say a goddamn word. That is entirely unacceptable.
FIL should have helped your daughter with the wording instead of staring at her. That was just weird. She could have learned a new word but no ima just stare you down kid.
NTA, My grandpa accidently made me cry when I was just a little older than your daughter. My grandma immediately scolded him and made him go with me to buy a coloring book to apologize. Your FIL and husband are AH’s!
May your in-laws be wary! These feelings with stick with your daughter for life, just like how my grandpa made me feel when he comforted me when I was a child.
Your husband is a gigantic asshole!
Stop letting fear rule you. You are a mother. If anyone treats your child poorly it is up to you to defend them. Especially when they’re too young to defend themselves.
A real captain wouldn’t have done that to a baby! Your FIL sounds like a loser.
NTA for walking away or for how you feel. YTA for not standing up to your husband and FIL.
NTA. Quit having kids with a jerk. There’s way to stop that. I am sorry you are in such a yuck marriage. We all deserve happiness with a supportive person. Someone on our side ESPECIALLY when we are in the right. It’s really awful your children have a father that doesn’t care enough about them to mind their feelings. Bad choices all around, I guess.
NTA what a weird control freak
Fil is abusive
?? NTA on this molehill of a mountain.
No one stopped you or her.
You’re worked up that grandpa stared.
When you were invited explicitly without the silly phrase, you had to swallow your pride??
FIL sounds like a butthead – or at least was in this moment if he is normally okay id just drop it and keep note in my head . We are all assholes sometimes – i can see this being a joke thag went to far / got away from him if this is a pattern address it.
When you say you avoid talking to your husband do you mean all the time or just about his parents? Both is a problem but one is much worse.
After telling me that line I would have said, “Permission Granted, thanks Captain” and got on.
If he seriously wasn’t going to let her on for not saying that, I would have had a problem with that and it would have been public.
You are subjecting your children to pathology. You are teaching them that it’s OK to treat people this way and you’re teaching them that it’s OK to be treated like this and you are main lining into their bloodstreams that is OK to go be with a partner like this, that it’s optimal and normal. Who treat you like this. Who you are afraid to talk to because they are so limited. You are teaching your children to be abusers and be abused. I hope you have some choices because I don’t think you realize, as you have slid into this Situation of how harmful it will be to your children in the future. And by the way, your husband is a perfect candidate to alienate your children from you. Even covertly without saying a word. Because he has you under his thumb. And if he wants to enhance that and he starts to notice that he’s in capable of forming mutual relationship with his kids, he will make them afraid by conveying to them in some manner, even covertly, that you are worthless and not to be trusted to be valued and then they will bond to him and they will pull away from you and they will treat you badly also and you will take it because you’ve chosen to stay with this person undermines and devalues you all the time. I’m really sorry.
NTA your FIL should have known 3 year old wouldn’t be able to repeat what he said
It was a dck move on his part
This sounds fake.
NTA I suggest that in the near future , when your in-laws come to your house, you institute a rule that everyone, starting with him, must recite a particularly challenging tongue twister, preferably one that is highly entertaining for your three year old, before he can cross the threshold. Bonus points if you and your kid practice to the point they can do it quickly and easily, and she can laugh her sss off at him when he repeatedly flubs it! Once you’ve had your fun, discard the rule.
NTA, when you have your conversation with your husband you need to make it very very clear that if he doesn’t set a firm boundary in whereas his father respects you and your child and treats you with kindness or you won’t be visiting anymore, end of discussion point blank. FIL was literally bullying a three year-old for no reason other than to be a dick and nobody called him out, there is something seriously wrong with that Family.
Before you have that talk with your husband have him read these responses, he owes you some serious apologies and he needs to get his family In Line ASAP or I would go low contact.
Your FIL is a dick…
NTA – “Husband, are you okay with how YOUR father treated YOUR child?”
It sounds like your husband and or his father have abusive traits. Do yourself a favor and take you and your daughter and get out of that situation. You shouldn’t be in an environment where you are afraid to speak to your spouse openly.
Power tripping on a 3 year old? What a petty, weak, small dicked man.
“In 11 years of marriage, my husband has only blamed me when I have negative interactions with his parents like this. ”
You’ve stayed 10 years too long and have put up with too much,
I’d take my children home and he could go live with his daddy.
Sounds like your husband is EXACTLY LIKE HIS DAD. A fucking asshole.
NTA
His dad made your daughter feel unwelcome and made her cry and you are afraid to talk about? And you didn’t think he did anything wrong? And you’re afraid to talk to your husband?
ESH except your daughter.
Though she’ll probably grow up to be a doormat just like mom.
NTA, why have you stayed???
This is so unhealthy
YTA for staying married to this man and subjecting your children to your in-laws. Disgusting behaviour on their part that you allow to happen. Scared to talk to your spouse? That’s grounds for divorce. Staying in this marriage is showing your children how they should expect to be treated by a “loved one”
NTA
But the 3 yr old just needed a bit of coaching to say it better.
Or you could have just said it and walked onboard. Is he going to throw you off?
YTA to yourself and your daughter. Like absolutely incredible that you didn’t ream that POS out.
You shouldn’t be AFRAID to talk to your husband, this soda life a hostage situation and please talk to a therapist about this. It sounds scarey
Sorry but the problem is the FIL. Where was the MIL during this scenario? She should’ve corrected both her husband AND her son. I’m sorry but treating a 3 yo like that is just wrong!
Your husband sounds like an abusive AH and your in-laws not much better.
If the FIL meant nothing bad then he should have followed them to the house and brought them back to the boat.
I think mutiny is probably the best option in that situation. Time for the captain to walk the plank.
This is being blown WAY out of proportion. Captain of the boat is a very common game. If you’re not familiar if you didnt grow up in a marine area, that’s fine, but it’s supposed to make a more authentic boating experience. No malice was implied, but clearly, you were annoyed and your feelings caused you to impulsively leave.
4 times didn’t happen. You walked away once. That clearly communicated nonverbally that you were not playing the game and upswt. Upon returning, the expectation was dropped and invited to join as he realized he took it too far. No ,I’m sorry, but clearly asked you to join.
Any 3 yr old can say these words, developmentally speaking. The approach was wrong. It’s called modeling. If something new is YOU GO FIRST and explain it. “Can you say permission to board captain? Watch me. Make sure you face the kid and speak slowly and allow them to try with multiple attempts unless there is a developmental delay, but that wasn’t indicated.
She cried and said she wanted to go on the boat. She didn’t understand why she couldn’t go. Her being upset was you removing her, and she wanted to go on the boat.
This situation, ETA. You have previously negative experiences you need to deal with in counseling or therapy. This mindset isn’t healthy and will proactively interfere with future interactions.
Try moving forward and not letting the past predict the future. Harboring resentment isn’t helping. When something happens, be more vocal and say something. “She seems to be struggling with that. How about high fives for the Captain?” It would have had a waiting ✋️ not tears.
Please reread what you wrote. You are afraid to have a logical discussion with your husband. You are afraid of his reaction. What are you getting out of this marriage?
You are definitely NTA but your FIL is.
It’s one thing have this rule. The boat is probably his pride and joy and enjoys being treated as a captain would be. However, insisting a 3 year old has to use the correct words is a disgrace. She still asked if she could go aboard.
I would have walked away too. The fact that you went back is testament to how great of a Mum you are. Plus I believe your actions actually spoke louder than any words could have. Your FIL most definitely heard you. Demonstrated by his actions even before you or your daughter actually spoke he said “come on, we want you to come with us.” – oh he heard.
As for your husband always assuming it’s you at fault is concerning though. He should have his wife’s back and he should certainly be protecting his daughter as she learns to navigate life.
If he had actually been there and witnessed his Dad’s actions would he think it’s ok to upset his 3 year old like that? Surely he understands that his young daughter is not old enough to understand and doesn’t actually know some of the words she needed to say.
It’s absurd to expect a 3 year old to use language they don’t know. Even if she had time to practice the request; a 3 year old is likely to get the line mixed up or say the words incorrectly.
I’m so sorry OP you & your daughter deserves better. That said you handled it like a pro even though you really shouldn’t need to.
Girl grow a spine
NTA OP
You weren’t out of line and you weren’t wrong. It sounds like your FIL is a bully and to ask that of a 3 year old who can’t coherently speak is not only horrible to hear about but infuriating that no one else pointed it out nvm your husband.
Why live a life of compromising yourself and letting yourself get beat down “by family” or “because family matters”? I’m going to have to assume at some point they’ve done or acted similar with your other two children? And the thing is by giving in over and over you’re modeling to your children how they’re supposed to act when being disrespected, belittled and made to feel less than and that the way to handle that is to take it.
I think you’re doing your children, and yourself, a big disservice by allowing your husband and his parents to treat your children like that and continuing to show up solely to “keep the peace”.
Lady, if you are AFRAID TO TALK TO YOUR GUSBAND ABOUT HIS POS FATHER……you have wayyyyyy bigger problem .
Info:
Was your husband on the boat watching this unfold? I’m going to assume he wasn’t because that’s a whole other level of awful.
Kudos to you for doing what made your daughter happy, OP. That must have been near impossible with that giant turd captaining the boat.
Do talk to your husband. You don’t need to say anything about your FIL other than to relate the story. If your husband isn’t outraged for his daughter’s sake, he’s a lost cause.
My heart broke for her. If he was on the boat, your husband is a jackass and a lowly example of a father IMO
If you are afraid to have a simple conversation with your husband, that’s a problem. This is not a good example for your kids. You wouldn’t want your kids to go this when get older would you?
Why would you stay married to a man who treats you like that, is he as big a bully as his father, sounds like it
ESH i get where you’re coming from thinking the guy is being weird and out of line, but did you really think at any point that your FIL didnt want the kid to come? Its a very passive aggressive response. the guy is probably just failing miserably at trying to create a fun moment. Imho just do damage control in those situations instead of trying to interpret every interaction in the worst possible way. Even if you think he’s being a jerk, just use your words like an adult ffs
Why do I have the feeling that no one was wearing lifejackets? Also you are in a shitty marriage with an asshole who treats you like liar. You have a shitty husband problem. Why are you with that asshole? Expect more abusive interactions if you stay in this cursed marriage. NTA
I think “Permission to come aboard c*ntface” would have been a better response; but probably not one the children should hear.
NTA – your FIL is definitely the AH here.
You are nta, but your fil and husband are
FIL is a dik and sounds like your husband is a dik. NTA but do you realize your husband is controlling and abusive?
Edit: NTA
Tell your husband and he needs to make it a big deal. If this happened I’d expect my husband to make waves and take my side.
If it’s not a stupid thing done in good fun, then your FIL is a grade-A loser. JEEZ. I’m so annoyed for you and your daughter.
You don’t have family? Visit them!
Your FIL is a massive AH, and it sounds like your husband is, too. I can’t imagine how your poor daughter felt! Please rethink allowing her to be exposed to someone who deliberately hurts a small child’s feelings.
NTA.
ESH.
Your FIL for being a weirdo for just standing there not saying anything when she asked.
You for just walking away and not speaking up. It sounds like your 3 yr old can talk so I don’t know why you didn’t just tell her repeat after you. Or take this opportunity to teach her some new words. It doesn’t sound like anyone was in a rush.
The way your husband deals with his family is crappy and you shouldn’t be blamed for how they act towards you. There are clearly bigger issues at play here than your 3 yr old being denied getting on a boat because she sort of said a sentence wrong. But you need to grow a backbone and say something cuz after the first time of being ignored I would have said something or just gotten on.
I would have just left! Poor 3 year old shouldn’t be subjected to you FIL bullying! Stand up for her and yourself. Break the cycle.
Reddit is literally destroying human beings…
This can’t be real life.
NTA. FIL is letting his “pretend I’m a real captain” BS go to his head. Expecting a 3 year old to use his exact words is just plain stupid.
He’s a jerk. Probably both of them!
Your FIL is a stupid pos.
Sounds like your husband is, too.
NTA
You seriously need to read up about enmeshment and that’s your husband. Your FIL is the only three year old on the boat. Class A Captain jerk.
Sounds like he was joking around and you took it seriously and personally and instead of explaining that she is 3 and doesn’t know those words yet, you acted petty and walked away causing your daughter to cry. When you returned he let you on the boat, showing that he was clearly joking and wasn’t actually going to not allow you on the boat in the first place. So yes you are the asshole.
Divorce.
I think the odds are 80/20 that your FIL was being a little obnoxious and made your daughter struggle for one second longer than you thought he should, and you stormed away like a little child and made a big deal out of nothing. I certainly don’t know that is true. But I am pretty sure that this is how someone who overacted would frame the situation.
Ask him what he thinks his 3 year old daughter did to aggravate his father. Then tell him she will grow being afraid of her own grandfather and is that ok with him? This would be a hill to die on. A grown man intimidated a child and thought nothing of it. I would NEVER let him around her again until she is old enough to tell you when he treats her like this. Updateme
>I’m nervous to talk to my husband about this
In 11 years of marriage, my husband has only blamed me when I have negative interactions with his parents like this
I also avoid talking to my husband because the end result is usually that I’ve done something wrong
There is something seriously wrong with your marriage.