I’m going to try to keep a long story short.
My husband and I had been trying for a baby with zero success, after some doctor’s appointments we found out my husband is sterile. This was really hard for him because he had always wanted to have a large family. We talked about all of our options and decided to use a sperm donor. We chose someone that resembled my husband with the same hair and eye color.
Alll through the pregnancy my husband seemed excited but once our son was actually here he was very distant. I was told that men take longer to adjust to parenthood and that he’d come around, so Ive tried to be patient.
One of his friends is getting married soon and he went out to the bachelor party, he got dropped off at home drunk. I wasn’t upset about that. I was helping him upstairs to our room when our son started crying. He has colic so he cries a lot and we’re all exhausted most of the time. My husband looked at me and said “every time he cries I just think about you having another man’s baby”. I was in shock, I felt hot and cold at the same time when I heard that. I got him up the stairs and he went to bed, I went to my son’s room and slept there.
First thing the next morning he was apologizing, saying that he “didn’t mean it like that” but can’t tell me how he did mean it. I asked if he felt like our son was his and he just stared at me. That felt like my answer.
Now me and baby are at my parents and I don’t think I want to be with my husband anymore. Maybe it’s postpartum, maybe it’s hormones, or maybe I’m just the asshole. I’m too tired and hurt right now to figure it out so you tell me.
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Original copy of post’s text by /u/Big-Stress630:
I’m going to try to keep a long story short.
My husband and I had been trying for a baby with zero success, after some doctor’s appointments we found out my husband is sterile. This was really hard for him because he had always wanted to have a large family. We talked about all of our options and decided to use a sperm donor. We chose someone that resembled my husband with the same hair and eye color.
Alll through the pregnancy my husband seemed excited but once our son was actually here he was very distant. I was told that men take longer to adjust to parenthood and that he’d come around, so Ive tried to be patient.
One of his friends is getting married soon and he went out to the bachelor party, he got dropped off at home drunk. I wasn’t upset about that. I was helping him upstairs to our room when our son started crying. He has colic so he cries a lot and we’re all exhausted most of the time. My husband looked at me and said “every time he cries I just think about you having another man’s baby”. I was in shock, I felt hot and cold at the same time when I heard that. I got him up the stairs and he went to bed, I went to my son’s room and slept there.
First thing the next morning he was apologizing, saying that he “didn’t mean it like that” but can’t tell me how he did mean it. I asked if he felt like our son was his and he just stared at me. That felt like my answer.
Now me and baby are at my parents and I don’t think I want to be with my husband anymore. Maybe it’s postpartum, maybe it’s hormones, or maybe I’m just the asshole. I’m too tired and hurt right now to figure it out so you tell me.
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NAH.
He needs therapy. Badly.
NTA.
Having a baby is hard. Although the baby isn’t biologically his, he agreed to have a child with you. This is how you both decided to go about it. What is more important than passing down genetics is passing down love and character values.
If roles were reversed and you had to use a donor egg with a surrogate mother, would he be okay with you saying that he had another woman’s baby?
He betrayed you! The sacrifice you did for him, and for what? NTA
NTAH. I truly doubt that this resentment towards the baby or in general the situation is new. The fact that it finally came out it was because the baby is now real and he can’t pretend anymore.
He should’ve been more honest with himself and with you from the beginning.
I’m sorry he said that. You’re not the asshole. He is. And I agree with the other comment that he needs therapy. Some people struggle with donor sperm, adoption, etc. I don’t know why they struggle to view a child that they wanted as theirs, but they do. And unfortunately, they may not realize they’ll feel this way until the child arrives. I would insist he go to therapy if he wants to try to salvage your relationship. But I also understand that it’s going to be very difficult for you to unhear those words. I wouldn’t file for divorce yet, bc you’re right to acknowledge the postpartum hormones. They’re very real. You’re also exhausted, especially having a baby with colic. Give yourself time to calm down. Have some serious conversations with your husband. A lot of this is probably stemming from his own insecurities and feelings of failure as a man. And unfortunately men struggle to know how to address these feelings and properly communicate them. With therapy, he can probably get past this and acknowledge the harm he’s caused. And hopefully the two of you can still be a family, if that’s what you ultimately want.
Hello! I think things are going very fast right now and I think you should take a step back and breathe. I understand that his comment was extremely hurtful to you and the child and he most certainly should not have made that comment. However, I think to leave him would be way too hasty of a decision to make. I think you two need to sit down and have a serious conversation in which you completely share with him how much his comment hurt you and try to to get him to open up about why he made that comment in the first place. Then I would highly encourage you two to do couples counseling as this I believe will greatly help resolve the situation and at the very least, give you two the clarity needed. Hope this helps!
I mean, I just think he needs professional help to work through this and support from his wife. Could you imagine wanting to have a big family your whole life and then not being able to contribute your own genes to build your family? That’s a very tough thing and he’s honestly allowed to have a hard time with it even if he decided he wanted to use a sperm donor. Was his comment okay? Not at all. But I really don’t think this is divorce worthy. You should suggest therapy to him and help him walk through this as his partner instead of just tossing him to the side. For better or for worse, right? I can guarantee his comment came from a place of pain
NTA. Did your husband do any therapy around his infertility diagnosis? Before you divorce him, he should try therapy.
New parenthood is hard, even when they are your bio-kids. Sleep deprivation and baby cries will grate on everyone. However, he has got to get his head on straight about his parental responsibilities to that child. If you adopted kids or created an embryo from donor eggs/sperm, you still made a family together, just not the traditional path. He can not treat that child as if it’s not his kid and have a healthy parent-child relationship.
Once you commit to being a parent – bio or otherwise – that is your kid.
I understand you’re shocked and hurt, yet I think you should perhaps give this a bit of time and go deeper. He is understanding the ramifications of his long-term choice, and there will be ramifications for him legally until the child is 18, As he explicitly agreed to all this. you might want to run through all the potential options that you have, even if you don’t need to use them.
I would try giving him an opportunity or a week or two to let him mull on the wreckage he is creating by not understanding that his deliberate actions create consequences he must live with. In this case, he must now either get with the program, realize this is his only chance of having a baby, and prove to you now that he won’t be playing distant and he won’t be thinking b******* thoughts, but he will be helping with the baby and he will be all in for raising a family. Otherwise, frankly, he is simply in the way, dragging you down, and forcing you to process his emotional issues for him through the damage to your family.
it might be a longer process, for him to truly come to terms with the consequences that he chose, but at the very least, he cannot leave you hanging, he needs to come to a quick set of new decisions. There is no one to blame for his decisions, but him, and he needs to convey to you that he either is all in, or he is out.
There is no middle. and if he does not decide, then you shall decide.
In this case of yours, you are within your rights to choose any course, even divorce. This would in essence be a breach of promise suit, he is not in alignment with what he promised. While he’s mulling for a couple weeks, you go grab a lawyer and find out if there is a breach of promise suit or how to best split things up, and arrange things. Presumably he would give you full custody if he is not choosing all in, but I believe he will be liable for child support, regardless. Find out what the truth is though, and get your ducks in a row.
Good luck.
Wow. I am so very proud of you for not retorting “every time you open your mouth, I thank God I had another man’s baby.” Pat yourself on the back for this one.
I think that you need to give your husband some grace. I think that it would also be hard for him in the situation, he may be disappointed in himself as well. He is probably feeling inadequate. I can see how a man mighy struggle mentally with being infertile. I think that you both could benefit from therapy. He may just need some help wrapping his head around it. I can absolutely see how hurtful it was and you are probably exhausted, but I wouldn’t jump to divorce. Its hard on relationships after having a baby anyway, but this adds another layer.
NTA
If he is willing to go to counseling, you should give it a try.
Known a lot of genetic parents who were asses. This is about his ego and pride.
NTA
The man is being toxic he needs therapy not you
You’re making a really big sacrifice for him how can’t he see that
NTA
Good for you for taking fast action and moving out so you and the baby don’t have to live that toxicity every day. He made his decision now move on and be happy
In vino veritas.
So he gave you some insight to what goes on in his head. Was he really onboard to having a donor? Did you exhaust all options for sperm retrieval. Having your only child not be biologically yours is a difficult thing to deal with and he may not be mentally prepared. If you have any love for your husband try putting yourself in his shoes. You both had to realize this could be problem and some understanding may be warranted in this situation if you really want this to work. Good luck and congratulations!
NTA – he needs therapy.
Unfortunately, when something like this is said while drunk, it is the truth. Being drunk is like truth serum.
Not saying you should divorce, but then again maybe you should. You dont want to raise your child in a house where your husband is not attached to it.
I am very sorry to read your post. This is a very sad situation for you to be in.
YTA because he is the one who is hurting, he opened up his true feelings and pain to you, and you slapped his face. What a selfish thing to do.
NTA
its not his fault about his fertility issues and im very sorry. but, that doesnt excuse his comment about something that you both agreed to do. yall found a way to have a child, but he resents your son because hes “not biologically his” which is messed up. but it could lead to worse things. like as your som grows up, your husband could resent him more and be cruel to him which isnt fair to you, or to your son. if all her could offer you was a half assed apology with no explanation or conversation, then its best for you both to leave.
im kind of looking at it this way, if you both had fertility issues, and yall adopted a baby, then your husband could resent the kid because they werent his biologically which is not fair.
NTA for wanting a divorce. i hope you and your son get away and live happily
I think it was foolish to assume the emotions would be present from the start. It takes time to develop. There is no genetic or lymphatic attachment. Time is the only thing that will help here. Divorce won’t give you the outcome you want. YTA
He needs therapy. If he agrees to do that, I’d give him another chance.
NTA, obviously. But it sounds like he never really dealt with his feelings about being sterile, and that perhaps you were the one who really wanted the sperm donation. He needs help – but he is absolutely that baby’s father, and you should make that clear to him.
NTA and yea, he meant it.
I’m sorry to be so direct, but you need directness now so you can figure out where you stand, and I strongly suggest it’s not with him.
This is not your fault. You gave birth to a baby that is, to you, his. And he just told you it wasn’t, that he doesn’t consider it his, and probably never will. I would be white-hot furious if a man put me through the emotional roller coaster this guy’s putting you through! How DARE he say something like that! After deciding to have the baby, and all that trial being pregnant is! I would be ready to shred something! Of course you’re not off here!
The question is, is he a keeper or not. That’s up to you. It’s possible therapy might help, but I’m not sure.
NTA but did you have any counselling before you started this process? To deal with the grief of infertility?
This isn’t a failure to bond with a child but a failure to grieve, and accept that you are an infertile couple, not that your husband is infertile. In your eagerness to start a family you’ve forgotten the most important aspect of it, your relationship with your partner. It’s not a criticism, just something that often happens when infertility is there and while we can medically make a child happen it isn’t always the answer.
In my relationship I was the infertile one. We got counselling and really the question that we each had to ask was was he/she enough? If the answer for either of us was no, then we would have divorced, because unfortunately medical intervention wasn’t a safe option for me.
We ended up conceiving (huge surprise) and honestly while I was happy to be having a child I was angry, having gone through all the heartache, grieving and acceptance of a different pathway.
Biggest gift we received though is both of us felt we were enough for each other. We are both very secure in our relationship as a result.
Your husband is dealing with grief, insecurity, feeling like a failure (which he isn’t but being infertile makes you feel like that), he sees the child as a symbol of his failure, and he doesn’t want to, I guarantee you, but he’s hurting. You both need some serious counselling if you truly love each other, which I think you do.
My 2 year old was conceived using donor eggs and my partner’s sperm. She is my child and if I felt any differently I would be in therapy.
He needs to address his feelings about his infertility before it poisons his relationship with his son.
NTA. He needs therapy ASAP.
Nta but therapy would be a requirement before I would subject my kid to the risk of his parenting
NTA – it’s his baby. Infertility is hard but he agreed to this. I think your husband needs therapy. You need to put your child first, he doesn’t need a dad who resents him because he’s not biologically his. You don’t need matching DNA to be a dad. A child is a blessing.
NTA Sometimes things are said that can’t be unheard, can’t be taken back. This is what he did in his drunken state. What’s the phrase? Drunken words are sober thoughts. This is bad. Please take care of yourself,
Updateme
From a male perspective I can understand him having difficulty coming to terms with his sterility. At a time when he is impaired by alcohol his rational control will have been diminished and his inner demons given free reign. Yes his comment is hurtful to you and exposes his own insecurity about his self perceived masculinity. But does evidence his struggle and need for support. His comment to my mind, made in an uninhibited moment, is more an expression of his internal conflict and is a matter that will likely self resolve as his rational self (the one you saw the next morning) prevails in time especially once the baby reaches five to six months and starts more emotional interaction with its parents like smiling, making sounds other than crying etc.
Commenter u/DanausEhnon juxtaposed the hypothetical situation where his sperm was used on a donors egg as being an issue you might make a similarly insensitive comment about as being something that would be unacceptable to him. It might be but the same conditions apply. PND does occur for many reasons but its not a conventionally valid basis for the husband to divorce a wife. Instead its more a reason for the husband to support and get assistance for the wife.
I see his situation no differently and suggest now is the time to support him.
This very situation arose in our friends group from both your scenario and the Juxtaposed scenario proffered by the mentioned commenter.
In the male case it took many months post birth for him to accept the situation and he was more obvious with his inner turmoil, but after a year they went back and had a second child using the same donor. His children are now married and he is a dotting grandfather. The fact they are biologically another mans is consigned to dust as far as everyone is concerned.
In the donor egg female case towards the end of the pregnancy the mother became detached from everyone and it was apparent that she was depressed. Upon birth she rejected the child and told her spouse that she wanted a divorce and he could either keep the child of offer it for adoption. The husband was deeply distressed and stuck with her and supported her whilst also providing, with his own mothers assistance, the care for the baby (formula feed). With treatment for depression the wife came around and bonded with the child. A few years later they had a miracle pregnancy and as with the other couple life became normal and the past irrelevant.
My take is that jumping to divorce/separation is in some cases an avoidant behavior when one is not inclined to recognise a transient mental state that can be resolved by support and treatment whatever that looks like in the circumstances.