I (24F) am three months pregnant and have been casually talking with my mom (41F) about my baby shower. We’d started some light planning, and originally, my boyfriend (25M) offered to pay for a venue. This was partly to avoid my mom pulling the “I’m paying so I get to invite who I want” card, something she said years ago when we talked about a hypothetical wedding that never happened.
The idea was my bf would cover the venue, and my mom and his mom would handle food and decor. We were looking at places in the $1200 range for about 50–55 guests. But then my bf started wanting to invite more and more people, more not even on our original list. He was talking about doing something grand, spending $3K on a venue, since this might be our only baby. It started to feel overwhelming. I told him I wanted something smaller, more intimate, and personal. The original 50–55 list already included people from his side that I’m not super close with.
After that convo, he backed off the venue idea altogether, and now it’s looking like we’ll need to have it at my mom’s house (she has a big yard). When I first got pregnant, she did offer her place, but again… if she’s hosting, she wants to call the shots, including the guest list. That’s where things get tricky.
Today, she told me that a cousin of hers already offered to help with the shower. I immediately said “no thank you” this person isn’t someone I like or feel close to. I also reminded her that I don’t want my dad’s sister there, or his mom’s 9 sisters who I barely know. I also asked that my uncles on her side not be invited one is super narcissistic, and inviting one and not the other is not right.
She got upset, saying things like, “You’re putting me in a hard place,” “What about what I want?” and “So I don’t get to invite who I want” I told her plainly that I’ve had the same conversation with my boyfriend that I want it small, close, and warm, so I can be myself and not feel like I have to perform around people I barely know or don’t like. I even told her she can throw me under the bus if she needs to tell people I said no, I want it small. I don’t care about looking like the bad guy if it means holding my boundary.
I’m an introvert. I show up for a bit and leave, and she knows that. She also pulled the “But more people = more gifts” line, which just felt manipulative.
Honestly, it’s exhausting. It feels like no one is hearing me. I’m the one who’s pregnant. I’m already anxious in general, and pregnancy has made it worse. I’ve stepped back from family events for my mental health in the past, and now it feels like I’m being forced into something I don’t want, all for the sake of others’ expectations. I don’t understand why no one is listening to me and what I want. They are making it about them. I’m an anxious person regularly and being pregnant has made it much more so. I don’t want to agonize about being anxious for seeing people I don’t like being around for MY OWN BABY SHOWER and I already am????!
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I (24F) am three months pregnant and have been casually talking with my mom (41F) about my baby shower. We’d started some light planning, and originally, my boyfriend (25M) offered to pay for a venue. This was partly to avoid my mom pulling the “I’m paying so I get to invite who I want” card, something she said years ago when we talked about a hypothetical wedding that never happened.
The idea was my bf would cover the venue, and my mom and his mom would handle food and decor. We were looking at places in the $1200 range for about 50–55 guests. But then my bf started wanting to invite more and more people, more not even on our original list. He was talking about doing something grand, spending $3K on a venue, since this might be our only baby. It started to feel overwhelming. I told him I wanted something smaller, more intimate, and personal. The original 50–55 list already included people from his side that I’m not super close with.
After that convo, he backed off the venue idea altogether, and now it’s looking like we’ll need to have it at my mom’s house (she has a big yard). When I first got pregnant, she did offer her place, but again… if she’s hosting, she wants to call the shots, including the guest list. That’s where things get tricky.
Today, she told me that a cousin of hers already offered to help with the shower. I immediately said “no thank you” this person isn’t someone I like or feel close to. I also reminded her that I don’t want my dad’s sister there, or his mom’s 9 sisters who I barely know. I also asked that my uncles on her side not be invited one is super narcissistic, and inviting one and not the other is not right.
She got upset, saying things like, “You’re putting me in a hard place,” “What about what I want?” and “So I don’t get to invite who I want” I told her plainly that I’ve had the same conversation with my boyfriend that I want it small, close, and warm, so I can be myself and not feel like I have to perform around people I barely know or don’t like. I even told her she can throw me under the bus if she needs to tell people I said no, I want it small. I don’t care about looking like the bad guy if it means holding my boundary.
I’m an introvert. I show up for a bit and leave, and she knows that. She also pulled the “But more people = more gifts” line, which just felt manipulative.
Honestly, it’s exhausting. It feels like no one is hearing me. I’m the one who’s pregnant. I’m already anxious in general, and pregnancy has made it worse. I’ve stepped back from family events for my mental health in the past, and now it feels like I’m being forced into something I don’t want, all for the sake of others’ expectations. I don’t understand why no one is listening to me and what I want. They are making it about them. I’m an anxious person regularly and being pregnant has made it much more so. I don’t want to agonize about being anxious for seeing people I don’t like being around for MY OWN BABY SHOWER and I already am????!
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don’t want a lot of people at my baby shower. Especially people I don’t like, trust, enjoy being around, or who I don’t even know and or they NEVER speak to me or check in on me ever.
I know it’s probably like disappointing because it’s not going my mom’s way or my bfs but it’s me who’s pregnant.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, your mom should listen to you on who to invite, but if it’s her backyard there’s not a lot that you can do
You know , if l were you l would put my money and effort into a small , wedding happening next month or something , rather than a baby shower. That can come later if you want it. If others, including your bf , want a to make a big deal of a shower, let them , no need for you to stress over it. Better still if they put their time and effort into the wedding .
NTA. It’s your baby shower, not your mom’s, not your bf’s. You get to decide who’s there. Wanting it small and with people you actually care about is not selfish, it’s the bare minimum. If your mom wants a big party for her cousins and randoms, she can throw her own. Stick to your boundary.
In what world is 50-55 people a “small” baby shower? You were never planning on a “small” baby shower.
> if she’s hosting, she wants to call the shots, including the guest list.
Other people are supposed to plan and host baby showers. It’s considered extremely tacky and poor etiquette to throw your own shower.
>She also pulled the “But more people = more gifts” line, which just felt manipulative.
I mean, baby showers are gift grabs at their core. That’s the “shower” part of “baby shower.” Her reasoning is absolutely tacky but like…let’s not pretend baby showers are something they’re not.
You know you can just not have one, right?
ESH.
NTA. Would you be willing to completely forego a baby shower if you can’t have the limited guest list that you want? If so, you can thank your mom for the kind offer to host it, but you’d rather have no baby shower at all.
NTA. I had a baby shower with 6 people. No family. It was glorious. Don’t give in. This trend of big, themed, baby showers is kinda gross to me.
NTA.
I am interested, though, to know if she’s doing this because she herself didn’t have a great baby shower experience? Looks like she was 17 when you were born, and maybe she just wants you to have a better time than she did (saying “you’ll get more gifts” may not be her being materialistic so much as hoping you get more support than she did, although I agree it’s kind of a gross thing to say).
You don’t have to answer, because ultimately it doesn’t matter. You’re NTA either way. It’s your baby and your shower. Do what YOU want.
Just say no
This is how it used to be done: around 20ish people in someone’s house with snacks and drinks. Chill and no big deal (at least the ones I had and was invited to). Do you have a close friend that would organize something like that for you? Either that or just skip it. It sounds exhausting (fellow introvert here) – the planning, the negotiating AND the event. It’s not a requirement. Put the money you would have spent into items for the baby that you might have gotten as gifts.
NTA. At this point just tell your Mom you don’t want a baby shower. Stop the stress right now.
INFO: Why are you even having one? Your mother is right (“more people = more gifts”) and these parties are gift grabs. 50 to 55 guests at a baby shower, which is what you wanted, is a crazy number! Wanting this many people, and not wanting to cede control of a party, makes it look like a gift grab.
You need to say to them exactly what you have said here. In exactly those same words.