I 34M have been seeing this woman 41F for the past 8 months or so now. She was just getting out of a messy divorce and wanted something casual and fun. I told her I wasn’t looking for anything serious either and made clear I never wanted kids because I knew she had two daughters in high school. We’ve had effortless chemistry but we’ve never gotten more serious over the time of our relationship.
A few days ago she brought up the idea of her and her kids moving in to my place. I figured because I live on the beach she just wanted an upgraded lifestyle but then she brought up how the town I live in has a much better public school system than the one she’s living in now.
She’s super sweet and I’ve met her daughters and they seem very nice but I’m like wtf how do we go from a casual relationship to moving in and me becoming a stepdad overnight. I don’t see a path that involves me saying how I felt and her just accepting things how they are. I feel like if a woman wants to move in with you, you’re beyond the casual stage. She’s even joked a couple times recently about how she knows she can’t give me anything I don’t already have but she can always give me a cute baby smh.
Like I said, she’s really nice but this is just way too much all at once.
Comments
NTA. She’s trying to dig in deeper. Don’t let her.
Run.
Time to have a serious conversation. You two are clearly not on the same page regarding the relationship.
NAH. Be open and honest and tell her how you feel
Don’t do it, it is way too soon and her moving in with kids is going to be a BIG change. She just wants to have somewhere to live for free. I would say you remove yourself from that situation and don’t look back.
So did you never revisit the conversation in those 8 months? Presumably she went from casual to serious because thing change in 8 months of dating. What has that time looked like? Are you acting like a serious coupl
If you don’t want the same things long-term, it’s better to be honest now before it gets harder. You both deserve a life that fits what you truly want.
A lot changes in 8 months.
What would you even take 10sec to rationalize this when neither of you was supposedly in this for a relationship?
Also she will expect you to pay for the expenses etc also
Check and see if you are in a common law state . Just tell her no, we are casual if you are ok with it but if no vasectomy I would be breaking up and momma she might end up pregnant
Don’t let her.
Stop having sex with her!!
She’s telling you what’s going to happen.
Break up.
ASAP
NTA
NTA you barely know each other and it is way too early to move in together. She’s just looking out for herself and her kids, she’s not interested in your happiness or in creating a healthy, mutually agreeable, long term relationship.
She wants one thing, you want another. Sit down like adults and discuss this.
NTA but respectfully if you don’t want kids why are you seeing a woman with two kids?
Nta she’s a divorce single mom. She is just using you.
You had me agreeing the moment you mentioned she has kids.
RUN run far, run fast. Stop screwing her so you don’t get cunt caught.
Run! 🏃🏻♂️
She wants a free ride. She’s telling you she’s not going to help financially at all…
NTA- quite frankly, I really worry about a woman who is newly divorced and is already at the stage where she wants to move her two minor children into the home of a man shes not in a committed long-term relationship with.
You need to have a very frank and an open discussion and quite frankly you probably should end the relationship at this point.
If I were you, I would be very mindful of your birth control going forward because this sounds like she may try to baby trap you
She is trying to exploit you to get something she wants (better living situation, gold digging, etc) and is even willing to baby-trap you to get it. Think hard about that.
Get out before she legit baby-traps you. The comments about “could give you a cute baby” are a warning. Treat them like the red flag they are. This situationship has run its course and it’s time to move on if you don’t want something serious with her, before she “gives” you an 18-year commitment.
Use birth control! On your own
She’s talking about moving in, bringing her kids🚩 run, don’t walk
Your next post is going to be… was i baby trapped
You’re gonna get accused of bad stuff with those daughters and get blackmailed to fuck
NTA
NTA. Run.
NTA 8 months is not a long enough amount of time to consider moving in with someone when you have children. Especially teenaged daughters. And it’s DEFINITELY not enough time to know you want to have a kid with them. Sit her down and have a serious talk about where you are in the relationship. Get on the same page. Depending on how she responds will be how you’ll know if she’s just using you or not.
NTA. She needs a someone to play daddy to her kids. She’s sweet now to lure you in. It wont make you a bad guy to say no and move on. Don’t let her move in. You don’t need to take on a roll of daddy if you don’t want to. Be honest and tell her casual or move on.
Do not do this. Do not do this. You’ve been dating 8 months and she is just out of a divorce? And she wants to move in with two teenagers?
Of course you are right that you shouldn’t let someone you have a casual relationship with move in with her kids. But take a long look at how emotionally unhealthy she is. What kind of person moves her two teenage girls, fresh out of a divorce, in with a man she’s only known for 8 months? That’s very poor judgment.
Moving too fast, instant relationships, instant family, talking about a baby when you haven’t moved beyond casual is really screwed up. She is “nice” when your relationship is casual and you are both having fun, but consider that “effortless chemistry” was intended to get you to let her move in. She was playing the long game.
Is this casual or is she your gf?
You know you don’t want kids, you know she has kids.
You need to be very clear with her where you are, mentally, with this relationship, because if you’re calling her your gf, you’re past the point of casual.
She needs a life plan now and you’re it buddy. Never trust a person who would do this to their children. I know people get desperate but moving your kids in on some strange dude.. into HIS house straight out of a divorce is just such a negligent AH thing to do to her kids. I’d end it.
Do you think she’s joking with the baby joke? Fucking run, now, in the direction she is not going.
Updateme
Take time to decide what you want. Do you want to continue with this girl or not? You seemed to want casual and that was enough for you.
Reevaluate and decide if you want casual and simple or get involved.
If you want casual and simple, then cut things off with her and let her go. That thing has run its course and she’s trying to dig in more to make this a relationship.
If you are considering a relationship with her, then have discussion with her. I would strongly suggest NOT living together unless you absolutely feel you are at that stage where you can. I honestly don’t think you are.
I think she’s been feeling like this is a relationship (or headed that direction) while you still view it as a casual thing. You are both NOT on the same page. Until that happens don’t move forward.
My dude, run, she’s trying to gold dig your ass , she made it clear. She wanted nothing serious only casual, you don’t go from casual joking hanging out to moving in and joking about giving you a baby lol she trying to trap you.
Dump her.
It sounds like you’ve been 100% transparent. The best thing to do is break up because she is clesrly now looking fir a more serous relationship then youre interested in.
RUN, run far, run fast. And stop screwing her so you don’t get baby trapped.
Stop having sex with her immediately. If she’s making comments about ‘giving you a cute baby’ then pregnancy is on the cards.
I suspect she’s either losing her accommodation or the kids aren’t happy in their current school.
Either way, that’s not your problem. You made it clear you didn’t want kids.
NTA. Break up now.
She obviously didn’t do as well out of the divorce as she hoped and now wants you to subsidise her lifestyle.
It’s possible she really just wants a better school district for her kids.
And I’d make sure you can’t get her pregnant if you do stay in a relationship with her because of that baby comment.
But NTA for wanting to end it. You clearly have different goals than her.
Nta, it was fun while it lasted but it’s time to move on.
Oh I would guess the financial realities of divorce have set in. NTA.
Nope, nope, nope – DO NOT let her and her kids move in! You’re right. How do you go from “casual” to “let me move in with my kids because you have a better school system. I can give you a cute baby for it!” She’ll move in and then baby trap you so you won’t kick them out. Read your own post to yourself. You wanted casual. You don’t want kids. She wants you to be step daddy and next sperm donor. NTA. Break up before she gets pregnant. 🚩
NTA, but I do have a question. How did you meet her teenage daughters and still think it was “just casual”? Like were you introduced as a friend or as someone she was seeing?
Regardless, if you don’t want something more serious don’t let them love in. It’s just going to make the inevitable more complicated when it eventually comes
NAH.
It’s time for you to have a serious conversation with her and tell her that when you started dating, you were both clear that you only were interested in something casual and fun, and you made it clear you never wanted to have kids.
That still is the case, and while her daughters are lovely from the limited interactions you’ve had with them, you’re not interested in having them all move in with you and becoming a stepfather.
If that’s a dealbreaker for her, then it’s time to tell each other goodbye, and that you wish her the best in finding a partner who wants to step into a step-parenting role.
It’s pretty hard to have an “effortless” relationship for eight months and not catch feelings, and I’m sure that she’s feeling more ready to have a serious relationship now, but you’re not a bad guy for not wanting anything more than what you’ve got.
NTA. She’s trying to get serious. Tell her you are looking for something more casual still.
We women always think we’re okay with being casual but we never actually are. Most of us just aren’t wired that way.
u/bot-sleuth-bot
Don’t. Do. It
That comes from a place of a similar situation.
She wants financial security
If you stay with her, get a vasectomy first. I’d hate to see you stuck in a marriage with a child you didn’t intend to make.
She wanted you as a side piece, back up plan. You typed it yourself that’s she’s getting out of a messy divorce. It seems to me if she doesn’t have a safety net, then she’s screwed.
I think you would be TA if you take her in. Because all that baggage comes on that train ride. Who’s to say that she doesn’t have other casual relationships with men. Your beach house and school system are probably looking better everyday as she weighs her very limited options.
You’re 34. Find someone else with less baggage, granted we all have it. You’ve only been together 8 months. Find someone else to make a cute baby with instead of being expected to shoulder her life
NTA. Remind her that you wanted a casual relationship with no kids and that you set those boundaries in the beginning. No is a complete sentence. Stand your ground.
You should stop seeing her. It was never going to be casual forever, it was always either going to be something serious eventually or it was going to end. In her case, she wanted it to become serious. In your case, you knew eventually you wanted it to end. Well, now’s the time. You two need to sit down and have a difficult conversation.
I fell in love, married someone. Adopted her two children and we had a third. I would do again. The kids have been the biggest blessing in my life. It can cost upwards of 100k to adopt children, I got mine for not going after 9k in back child support. I got a great deal and my oldest will be the first doctor in the family in about 18 months.
NAH. Just two people whose needs and desires are mismatched.
Also even if you did want kids you’d probably want more than one kid of your own and at her age it’s very iffy getting even one. You’d be best off with a woman who isn’t in her forties. So there’s that.
Don’t have sex with her again. Which probably means dumping her. Nobody really needs to be TA although she probably will be a bit TA about it when you have the deep meaningful talk about why this isn’t going to work.
NTA. Sounds like she’s more interested in what you can provide than she is about you being a full time partner. Red flags are waving
she is going to baby trap you, baby = child support for the next 18 years. she has already made clear her intentions, break up now.
NTA and be careful, I sense a baby trap in your future (from her own words!).
She can not make a unilateral decision like that about your life and your home, so if that doesn’t work for you and isn’t want you want, speak up now and end it. And for the love of God, use protection. Do not put your reproductive future in her hands.
She gets pregnant, on purpose, and suddenly your life is screwed
Maybe she’s seeing what a catch you are and would like to move things faster than you do.
If you’re into her, just tell her to slow down. You don’t need to blow up a relationship you might actually be into.
You know, be an adult, use your words.
She joked about giving you a cute baby. So you need to be cautious or your kid is gonna spend weekends with you at the beach house.
Don’t even think about letting them move in.
Your life will end if you do it.
Break it off before she baby traps you.
Time for lunch in public and a deep conversation
Tell her. Let her know you understood this to be casual and her talking about living together and having a baby is not what you are looking for in your life.
If she wants to move her kids there you can keep an eye out for a place for them, but you are not looking for a second family and if she’s now looking for a step-father for her kids and a long term commitment, you aren’t ready to be that person.
Hurry. Break up with her so she can find a grown up and you can keep pretending you’re 20.
Move in ..
…with her kids?
EJECT!
Lots and lots of recently divorced women have no survival plan apart from finding someone new to be dad and help support them. Do not be that guy unless it’s what you really want.
The answer is no. The only way that answer could be yes is if you had been into it all along and her kids and you had gotten very close and all the pieces fit. That’s not the case. The answer is no.
One, you need to have a long talk with yourself about what YOU want. Do you even want a serious relationship with her? If no, just say “I was under the impression that we both wanted this to be casual. If you are interested in more, then we have a problem.”
If you do want a deeper relationship, jumping into living together w/teenage daughters is probably way too big a jump to do right away. Start small, a few overnights, maybe she stays there part time. Take the time to know her daughters as well. Have them come out on weekends and stay over. If the schools are the major draw, perhaps they can use your address to change schools if the logistics can be worked out.
Whatever you do, go at your own pace. Don’t get pushed into something you aren’t ready for.
I mean you’re calling her your gf, met her kids, and you say it got serious…. What did you expect to happen?
You either need to sit her down and re-establish the casual nature of this situation and downgrade it to a situationship, where you don’t spend time with her and her kids, or you break up. Honestly she’ll probably break up with you though … Given she clearly wants more.
NTA…
Even if you just walk away. It was casual, and now it may not be. That is a valid reason for a polite breakup.
That said, I notice you said “This is a bit much all at once”. You didn’t say it was impossible, you didn’t say you definitely didn’t want it, you just said it was all coming to fast. I wouldnt suggest a break up. I would suggest a serious talk. One involving you admitting you saw it all as far more casual.
Then tell her you aren’t saying no, but you are saying not right now. Really think about what you would need to have hapoen to consider it. Maybe a 6 month or 1 year timeline. Slowly getting closer to just her for a few months. Then her daughters. Making it clear what you may or may never be willing to do as far as being a step-dad. They are highschoolers, not 5 year olds. If all 3 eventually joined you knowing that you would be a friend but never gaurentee your going to simply hand them cash. Well, it may work out.
If she gets upset you break up. If she pushed your timeline like she is obsessed. You break up. If she does anything short of agree that you have good points and wants to work toward something slowly, you break up.
This is just my 2 cents based on the feeling this caught you off guard more than being something you feel is impossible. If I am wrong please ignore it all and walk away now before it gets messy.
I mean, its ok to bring ideas when you are in a relationship, serious or not. If you dont want her moving in with you, just tell her you like the things the way they are and see how it goes. Maybe she was not even serious about this. Why not talk with her instead of breaking up right away?
shes having problems now and want to use you to support her and the kids .
RUUUUNNNNNNN
Yikes on the baby thing. That is a LONG term commitment.
Women become the most fertile around menopause!!! That’s why many women in their 40s end up with an oopsie baby. Be careful and just end it with her.
Baby trap alert!🚩🚩🚩🚩
nta but you need to communicate and end this
How do you really feel about her (and her kids)? She apparently has gotten more serious feelings about you. You seem to her like “quasi-husband material.” Is she manipulating you or is she wanting to upgrade your relationship with you? If you are truly uncomfortable with the situation, then break things off. One thing is certain: this is turning into a very serious relationship. Did she plan it that way from the beginning or did the relationship acquire momentum all by itself? You have to give the matter some very serious thought. Other redditers tell you to cut and run. Only you (and her) can decide to continue (and get more deeply connected). Best wishes!
Fucking run as far and fast as you can
She is planning on baby trapping you.
Run. She’s going to try and baby trap you. Literally stop having sex with her and have a serious conversation with her that this is not what you want and this “casual” thing is ending.
YTA. You should have been firm at the start of the relationship instead of dangling her. Sounds like you don’t have a line up of options other than her.
No single moms dude. Not now not ever. Single moms are for busters who can’t do any better
Run
Sounds like you want different things out of a relationship. You’ve dated long enough that you know this isn’t what you want. You may eventually find another woman that you want to marry and start a family with, just not this one.
What’s all at once ? You dated a single mother for the last 8 months . You’re not just casual hookups if you’ve met her kids . Time for the conversation if you like this woman or set her free
NTA. And you better use protection. If she is saying stuff like she can give you a baby, you might be falling into a baby trap.