I 25M have been with my girlfriend (25F) for 4 years now. We live together and I have had this feeling for a bit. After January she started having very odd angry outbursts and lashing out at me often. I feel like I pick up most of the housework and when I ask her to do it before work or on her days off because she usually works less than I do and I work nights I come home and she says she “couldn’t get out of bed to do it”. A lot of times she’ll be super messy and I ask her to clean up after herself and she says it isn’t that bad. I have had to deal with several instances of us having ants because of this. She keeps telling me she wishes one of my family members would die even though she took us in and helps us with groceries and food and bills. She took me in at a young age and she’s important to me despite what her beliefs may be. Recently she has convinced herself she has a certain mental illness and we had a conversation about it I told her I don’t believe she does and that she has never shown the symptoms in the 4 years we’ve been together. Well this morning she started “having” the symptoms and telling me all about it. It feels really fake and overexaggerated. She told me she is going to force her psychiatrist into the diagnosis so she can get meds for it. I’ve had a lot of issues with feeling like she has held me back because we had a fight about me working too much and not being able to drive her places but I’m trying to get myself in a good place financially to make up for a lot of impulsive spending I did as a teenager and get myself out of debt. I’m also going through college to finally do a career I love and I feel like our relationship has been stagnant and like she hasn’t had any ambition and that she won’t meet me at where I am in my life. AITAH for wanting to break up with her over this?
Update: I have broken up with her. I decided to sleep downstairs I asked her to give me space she insistently refused and I said fine you want to know what’s wrong? We’re breaking up. So it’s been done since she pressed and didnt give me time to plan or process.
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nah dude, you’re not the asshole, this sounds draining as hell. if someone’s making life harder while you’re trying to get better, it’s okay to leave.
NTA. You can find someone better.
You’re not an asshole. I Do feel bad for her tho. Sounds like she’s going through a severe episode. If it’s been 4 years and this is the first time you’ve seen it since January I’m sure she’s really struggling and it’s good that she’s going to a psychiatrist.
Life’s to short. Not sure what your long term goals are but can you see yourself happy and with this person in 10 yrs? 5? Or even 1? NTA
I’d be interested to hear what her psychiatrist thinks. She sounds like she’s dealing with depression and whilst the symptoms may seem to have come on suddenly from your perspective, it could possibly just be that she hasn’t had the energy to mask her problems anymore – especially if she’s come to feel safe and secure in your relationship. I wouldn’t write off the possibility just because you don’t understand where it’s all coming from and if she can get some meds to help it could be worthwhile to stick it out and see if that makes things better before reassessing the relationship. The comments about wanting one of your family members to die is concerning, and maybe more context is needed to understand that one but you could ask why she feels so negatively towards them. There may be something there you don’t know about.
Absolutely not, I’m 24F turning 25, and I’ve been learning some people like to wallow in their problems and can’t get better. They don’t want to do work to get better they want a magic wand to fix their problems (prince charming, medications, etc). Some people are either hopelessly optimistic to the point of idiocy and others are just so goddamn lazy their issues are because of everything and everyone else and not them, therefore, they hold no accountability, only bitterness and blame for others. Your girlfriend sounds like she could be that type. Maybe she does have a mental illness, that can develop later in life and it is possible, it’s also possible it’s always been there and it’s changed or gotten worse. But ultimately whatever is going on, whether it’s a legit medical concern or some fabricated excuse for her lazy attitude towards life, you always have every right to walk away.
The point of the matter is that she is in fact dragging you down. She needs help and if she doesn’t get it for herself then you can’t change that, she needs to want to get better. You can encourage her to do that and I would stress how you love her, but it’s now affecting you and your relationship. She needs to get help for herself and for the both of you. If nothing happens then that’s it, don’t spend your life waiting for someone that will never change.
Updateme
NTA. She does sound like she needs medical help, but she’s using it to manipulate you. The best thing for both of you is to separate. Pursue your education and career 100% and worry about a relationship later. If she was holding you back, use this time to sprint forward. You’ll meet the right person and live a better life. She needs a lot of help before she can do that and hitting rock bottom is probably necessary before that can happen in earnest.
NTA. You’re not responsible for lighting yourself on fire to keep others warm. You deserve peace, mental health, and ambition in a partner too.
NTA. You deserve peace and I felt the amount of negativity from her just by reading this post.
I highly suggest you get out before she drains you dry and you become a shell of a person who just complies with ever command as you’ve lost the will to even care anymore. Your brain is trying to tell you what’s happening listen to it.
NTA. Leave her right now, I’M tired from just reading this
NTA.
You’re growing up and maturity is hitting you in the face. She’s just not and has no desire to move on with her life- hence coming up with some good old fashioned ” mental health issues” to blame.
When she guilt trips you for breaking up with her at this vulnerable time, kicking her when she’s down – don’t fall for it. She’s going to be fine.
look leave run as fast u can before u end up in situation that cost u ur freedom or worse. she has no right say that about ur family member my husbands mom treated me fo horrible for many years im still not there fav lol im the bare minimum dnl lol but regardless i never speak disrespectful of his mother to him yes i have in anger in beginning got little petty but nothing crazy like that. i also make sure reguardless how his mom and i get along that he has a relationship with her because its his mom his family and i dont go visit all times he does but i do go for my husband sometimes. my point is any self respecting person that cared for u would not ever talk like that about ur family member or anyone for that matter who wishes death on another person thats crazy sir like i said RUN RUN RUN NOW
Consider asking her to see a medical doctor for a head CT or MRI. If she hasn’t changed medications recently (or stopped taking), but had a sudden change in personality, it could be something going on neurologically. It’s rare, but it does happen.
Update: I have broken up with her. I still feel guilt and anxiety but also relief and a bit happier?
Paragraphs and punctuation are your friends.
NTA – it honestly does sound like she’s having mental problems… or something going on with her brain because people don’t normally do a 180 without some kind of problem….
But wanting to be away from that doesn’t make you an AH even if she were diagnosed with something.
Dealing with that can be mentally and physically draining for a partner or caretaker. It’s okay to walk away.