I (31M) have been with my girlfriend (31F) for 4 years. The last year and a half has been hard. It started when I said I wasn’t sure I wanted kids. That was a dealbreaker for her, so I ended things. But then she came back and we taked through all the realities of having children and how we could make it work for us. So we got back together.
Fast forward to now: I have the opportunity of moving to Switzerland for a career move for 4 years. It’s something I’ve worked toward and really want—for my career, for personal growth, for the life I want to build. When I first brought it up, she said she didn’t want to come. So, I broke up with her again.
Then she changed her mind and said she’d come because she didn’t want to lose me. I was really happy about it and we were excited for a little bit, but then the reality of how difficult it is for a non-EU citizen to get employed over there.
Since then, she’s been completely negative about it. Constantly saying it’s impossible, that she wouldn’t be able to find a job, that she isn’t good enough, that I’ll leave her when she can’t make it work. She’s a qualified teacher and could probably work in an international school there, but she says teaching is too stressful and she doesn’t want to do it anymore. I suggested she look into remote work, but she shuts that down too.
I’ve tried to stay supportive. I’ve told her I love her, I’ve reassured her that I’m not trying to leave her behind, and I’ve even said that if we really try and it’s genuinely not possible for her to come, I’ll stay. But she’s not trying at all. She’s just telling me why it won’t work, and it’s like I’m the only one carrying any of this forward. And honestly? It’s making me miserable.
I don’t expect her to have it all figured out or be excited right away. But I do expect her to at least try. To meet me halfway. Right now I feel like I’m choosing between a dream I’ve worked really hard for and a partner who won’t even step up and try to be part of it. And yeah, it hurts, especially because I know breaking up with her twice has left scars. I’ve been trying to repair that by being loving and patient. But how long can I keep showing up for someone who doesn’t seem to be showing up for me?
So, AITAH for putting my partner through this?
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Maybe u dont love her that much. It is ok, it happens.
Sometimes it is time to go separate ways. Maybe your happiness is in your new country.
NTA…Looks like she is manipulating & gas lighting to continue this relationship…I would suggest to break up and move forward else she will do it when she finds someone ….
Depending on where in Switzerland your job is commuting from Austria, Germany, Italy or France might be an option, provided it’s easier for her to get an EU permit, and, more important, you see a future with her.
You have already broken up several times. Think hard.
NTA. In these day and age it’s easier to find a new girlfriend than a dream job. And she already has established that she can leave you at any moment. Imagine you decline the opportunity and two months later she leaves you again.
To be honest to me it sounds like she does not value herself and her wants enough, that she keep giving up herself to be with someone (you) that does not want the same things as her. I have serious concern about her walki g yhe path to end up hating you and herself.
I don’t understand why you’re together when you both clearly want very different things
Letting her go would be the kind thing. Like, breaking twice in a long term relationship would make anyone feel unshakey but possibly being alone in a new country is different
NTA it seems like you have different goals for your lives. I think you did the decent thing by breaking up with her, when you realised that they didn’t align, so you could both find partners that wanted the same in life as you did.
It sounds like she’s compromising on her own dreams and aspirations just to be with you. That rarely ends well in the long term. Resentment easily builds.
I think you’ll regret it if you don’t go. I think she’ll regret it if she does go and with I also think you’ll regret it. Being the sole reason why someone is upending their lives when it’s not what they truly want, is difficult. And since she’s already so resistant to it, I don’t think it’ll go well. My ex husband moved to my country because he didn’t want the relationship to end. Big mistake. He became so resentful and every time he was in a bad mood it was my fault even though I specifically told him not to move just because of me.
It’s clear the relationship won’t work.
She’ll resent you for uprooting her from her comfort zone and you’ll resent her for having to financially support her when she can’t get a job there.
That is on top of the no doubt still raw resentment whichever of you (the one who gave up their preference) “compromised” on the kids issue.
NTA.If this move is crucial for the career you want and the life you’d like to build, your girlfriend has the choice to go with you or to not go. I don’t really think you’re ’putting her’ through anything. You’ve already had some clues that perhaps your goals aren’t compatible (kids) and this may be the final dealbreaker. It sounds like you’re ok with that.
NTA. Wanting to chase a once-in-a-lifetime dream doesn’t make you selfish it makes you human. you’ve shown love, patience and a willingness to compromise. but relationships need effort from both sides. If she’s not even willing to try it’s not fair to ask you to give up everything you’ve worked for.
I wouldn’t trust you seen as you’ve broken up with her twice. Don’t bring her with you.
YTA if you don’t go. You owe it to yourself to make the love you want and have the career you want. Between this and the kids thing I don’t think you are compatible long term. Moving is tough, I moved to follow my partners dream and it was incredible because I gave it a change once we decided we were doing it. You can’t go into it half hearted or dragging into it. Let go and live your life.
Would you help financially, i.e. cover her costs while she seeks employment? Have you two discussed these aspects?
From what you’re describing you have only talked about the emotional aspects of your relationship in terms of you moving to Switzerland, and not the practical ones.
Maybe this is what holds her back, not knowing if she can depend on you for better or for worse. While your career progresses, she will be alone in a foreign country, with no income, work, social support or a family & friends network. I can see how this would be a major issue for someone.
If you see a future with this person you could consider being the main breadwinner until she manages to find something. If not, then tell her and allow her to make the best decision for herself as well.
You broke it off twice, she came back twice, you need to do this for you and your career, seems like both your (life) stories have been diverging slowly for some time… you need to let her go so that she can be her ‘whole-self’ and find someone that whats kids and other things she wants.
NTA take the job in Switzerland and let her figure out if she wants to come or not, but make your own arrangements anyway. You’ll regret it if you don’t go and eventually will resent her for it which will end the relationship anyway
NTA
We only have a small glimpse into your relationship, but from where I’m standing, it seems like you’d be better off apart, finding partners whose life goals are compatible.
She obviously doesn’t want to move because if she’s not trying to find a way, she doesn’t want to move. You could always try long distance, but I truly think your relationship may have run its course.
NTA. People and love are complicated things. You might want to think about your priorities and what is best for each other. It sounds like you two want very different things in life. The pain you mentioned might only continue if the cycle of breaking up and getting back together keeps repeating itself. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck
Remove the job opportunity from the equation, you two aren’t compatible in very deep fundamental ways. One of you should just end the relationship.
Nobody is asshole in this u guys just have different priorities and goals and ur path doesn’t align so it’s better to break up bcz sometimes it’s not meant to be
NTA. How would you feel if you didn’t take this opportunity? Would you be mad at her? Would you be resentful? Would you hold it against her? Would you look back years later and wonder “what if”? If you truly wouldn’t be happy staying home, it’s time to let her know this trip is a go. You are going with or without her. She can either stop with the negativity and genuinely try to make it work or you are moving on on your own. You’ve made enough sacrifices for this relationship. It’s her turn.
She keeps changing her mind so that she doesn’t lose you, but when it comes to bettering herself, that’s the fork in the road. This career opportunity sounds too good to pass by. She’s had enough time to make the change, but now it seems the relationship is stuck in a negative feedback loop. I hate to say it, but as much as it hurts, perhaps it’s time to pull the plug on the relationship for good, unless you can stomach a long distance relationship. There is only an upside to your career opportunity. I can’t say the same for a relationship.
Why do you lot keep breaking up ? You need couple’s therapy.
To me, this new development is proof that the breakups were really the right path. She wants stability, a family, etc. She can find that, but not with you. I think you want adventure, advancement, and freedom to enjoy yourself. You can find that, but not with her.
It’s not AH to simply admit out loud: we want different things for our lives. I’d suggest to call it quits with her. It really is the best chance for her to go find that which she wants and you to not be dragged down with negativity about your goals.
So you don’t want kids, she does. She convinced you to have them anyway. You got this incredible job opportunity, and now she’s trying to convince you not to take it as well.
Sounds like you’re just not compatible, and if you stay with her, have that kid, and don’t take this job, you’ll end up hating your life. NTA for wanting to move, but kinda the AH for continuously taking her back even though it’s obvious you two want very different things in life.
You want different things and are both compromising to the extent you will both be miserable together.
You will resent her if you have kids because you don’t.
She will resent you being abroad, either together or not and if you miss this opportunity you will resent her the est of your life.
Break up, go to abroad and you both can do your own thing and sort yourselves out.
Then in 4 years time if you are both single and really want the same things try casual dating and see.
You will both have more defined ideas of what you want then
For me a partner can only be a bonus to a life I have built and the other way it should be the same. He/she should be perfectly fine without me. I don’t see how a relationship where one is so dependent on the other could work. You broke up twice already, that is honestly saying more than enough. If you don’t take the job opportunity you will probably resent her for it forever.
She’s not putting any effort into finding employment because she doesn’t want to go. If you let this opportunity pass you will resent her and it will eat your relationship up. Go, even if she doesn’t want to. Actually go without her. If she goes she will make you miserable by complaining the entire time. It’s your adventure. Go live it.
Yes you’re the asshole.
If you have a once in a lifetime opportunity or whatever bullshit you said then it should be earning enough money for both of you, so she can have a kid and be a stay at home mom.
You’re both 31, it’s settle down and have kids time.
If your new fancy once in a lifetime I’ve been working my whole career for this job doesn’t earn enough to support a family then it’s a passion project and you are deluded.
NAH – you are simply not compatible. Some things are too big of a decision to make many compromises on. Kids and moving to a different country are things like that.
Leave her and live your dream dude. It doesnt make you an AH. She is the AH for not encouraging your dreams
Do not give up your chance at an adventure. If you love each other and really both want to make it work, you can cope with long distance. Especially if you get European length paid time off. Go back for visits. She can visit you. Visit the local international school. My kids went to one in Chile and it really is a different world for the teachers. More chance of specialising, language immersion, you name it.
But for you? You go. Tell her you love her, and it’s four years. Go! Think of the cheese.
Do you even want to be with her? You’ve broken up with her twice.
You MUST break up with this person! You’re not compatible. Also, she is not wise, and not kind, trying to talk you into having kids when it is not really what you want.
GO TO SWITZERLAND!!
NTA.
By the way do NOT let her babytrap you! This is the kind of situation where it happens.
NTA
Seems the only time she steps up is when you split up with her. That doesn’t sound sustainable. It may be that you’ve got to stop “owning” the desire for her to come. When she says it sucks, agree with her – but don’t try to “rescue” – let her work it out for herself.
“Finding a job out there is so hard.”
“Yeah, that sucks.”
“I don’t want to be a teacher any more.”
“I hear you.”
“Moving to Switzerland is impossible! I can’t make this work!”
“Okay. You will need to decide what is right for you.”
If you’re constantly “fixing”, you’re actually encouraging her to fall down, expect you to resolve things. If you’re telling her it’s all going to be fine, then you’re minimising her experience – she wants you to know how hard this is for her and you’re not listening. So – stop doing those things. If she sorts herself and her employment out, she can come. If she doesn’t, then you are going to be very far away from each other and effectively split up. You don’t want that – but it isn’t your job to “own” her enthusiasm, her appetite for continuing the relationship.
It sounds like you each want different thing in life overall. YOu can still love someone, but they may not be a good life partner.
She didn’t want to go to begin with, deep down that probably is not going to change. ANd why would you want that when you are embarking on a sense of adventure.
I think you have to sit down and have a talk about all these types of topics….
NTA in general, but to a certian extent, I wouldn’t use the word A, but rather, you probably need to break up with her. So in that regard, it feels like you are stringing her along, but it’s also her trying to hold on to something that maybe doesn’t exist. Also, sounds like she would complain the whole time she is there. I would think you would want to be with someone who was exciteed about the adventure of it all. That leads to the next thing….
Have the two of you talked about marraige? What are your long term goals? Have you sat down to have those deep heart-to-heart conversations about all the things regarding your relationship and where you feel it;s going. Here is a good overview….with this opportunity looming I would say it is the perfect time to really dig into all these topics and talk them through.
https://medium.com/@doctorbecky/45-things-to-ask-before-you-get-married-2cd2b61915a1.
Third time is a charm.
Sorry, break up with her.
And what ever you do wear a condom, even if she says she is on birth control, wear a condom. You don’t want to be trapped by a baby do you?
You seem to want different things in life, it’s probably a kindness to let her go and find someone more like her.
Switzerland is a wonderful country and it would be great for you to live there for four years? Maybe longer?
It has different cantons, which have different rules, so you may pay less taxes if you live in a certain canton. Look into this before you go.
Enjoy the food, fresh air and friendly people.
First of all, NTA, let me get that out of the way, but I have a few questions on the matter.
• Most important of all, do you truly love her? Can you see spending the rest of your life with her? If you’re even willing to consider staying it sounds like you love her and don’t want to lose her, but I don’t want to make an assumption. This is very important because if you are together only because you are comfortable and don’t want to be alone, those are not good reasons to be together and certainly a terrible reason to give up on your dream. If you do truly love her and see a future together, and she feels the same, then this is worth trying to figure out. True love is so hard to find, so I wouldn’t let go so easily unless you don’t feel strongly about her in which case the kindest thing you can do is part ways.
• You mentioned you’ve been working toward this dream, this career move for a long time. Has this opportunity abroad been on the radar? Had you discussed it with her earlier in your relationship so she knew this was not only a possibility, but something you dreamed of doing? Or did this come out of nowhere (at least for her)? May I ask what you do for a living?
• What sort of community or ties does she have at home? Does she have her family nearby? Does she have a lot of friends? Is your current home where she grew up? Wondering if what she’d be leaving behind is what is holding her back, more so than the job situation since it doesn’t seem to be her own career she’s concerned about giving up.
• Is the salary strong enough that you could bear the brunt of the cost of living? And, if so, is that a compromise you’d be willing to make for her to allow her to feel more comfortable with less concern over finances?
• How much flexibility would this new opportunity of yours have regarding vacation time? One of the ideas I have if she’s not yet willing to commit to a move abroad (which I’m sure is very scary for her) is for you to go ahead of her, get yourself settled in and then have her come visit for a bit. Let her see firsthand what it’s like over there. She may be scared of the unknown and then once she sees it, she may fall in love with the idea! Then if she decides ahe doesn’t want to join you, then it’ll be her call to end things.
Look, love is hard and sacrifices come with the territory. If you have the guts to move abroad, I commend you and I wouldn’t suggest you pass that up. I have family in Norway (in fact I’m here visiting now for nearly 3 months) and I love being here and if I could find a way to do this every year I would, but I don’t know that I could step so far out of my comfort zone as to make it permanent. So if you love each other and want to stay together, maybe you can find a way to do both. It’s not ideal of course, but if you’re meant to be you can find a way. If she’s not ready to make the move abroad, maybe she’d be willing to find a flexible remote work opportunity that would allow her to go back and forth. Spend 3-6 months with you and then come home for a while so she can be in her comfort zone with family, friends, whatever it is she’s afraid to leave behind. It’s at least worth a shot. If you try it for a while and it doesn’t work, then at least you’ve given it a go and at that point you’ve spent some time apart in between visits and that may help to make your decision (both of you)… if in the time apart you grow apart, there’s your answer. If in that time apart you long to be together and can’t wait for the next visit, then you power through and keep up with the visits until your assignment is over and you go home or she gets comfortable with being there and decides to join you after all.
I hope you figure out what’s in your heart and what’s best for your future, together or not. Your career opportunity and true love are BOTH once in a lifetime opportunities. Don’t let either of them go.
NTA. You need to break up and stay broken up. She keeps coming back but isn’t being honest with herself or you that she’s willing to sacrifice her wants and needs to be with you.
You have your priorities and have let her know what they are. You have made it clear what you are and aren’t willing to do. She may think she’s willing to set aside things such as not being able to work or having to teach, but the reality is that she’s not.
Having kids isn’t something you compromise on. Either you want them or you don’t.
You have done the right thing breaking up with her. Your mistake has been agreeing to get back together. The two of you aren’t compatible. End it and keep it that way.
She doesn’t want to go and never did and is hoping to convince you to stay. Same with kids. she convinced you you could work it out as being alone is something she doesn’t want. She is probably conviced she can change you eventually. One of you will eventually resent the other. NTA but would be better for both i you went your seperate ways if you really want to pursue the Swiss move.
This is just food for thought. You already broke up several times and she always came back. It sounds a bit like she is coming back because she isn’t finding a quick solution with someone else to fulfill her wants. Her solution then is going back to you and trying again. You should have stayed broken up after not wanting kids.
I would suggest moving forward with your plans. You worked towards it and your relationship is still doomed.
Let her go. Move to Switzerland. Otherwise, there will be resentment on both sides – if you don’t go, or she does go. You can always stay friends and see how things are in 4 years. This time, when you break up, stick with it.
Honestly if building a life together was a shared dream, you’d both be working towards it. “The life [you] want to build” doesn’t really include her in your plans. That speaks volumes. Listen to your heart.
On the other hand, she’s doing the same thing, trying to figure how to have kids together, how to work in a foreign country, how to do the impossible xyz of her life (without building resentment for the opportunity cost of supporting you in yours).
Just because you can put two puzzle pieces together doesn’t mean that they paint the same picture.
Let go and stop taking her back.
She’s trying to guilt you into not going. You’ve broken up 3 times in the last year. Do it for good and go to Switzerland. This relationship is dead.
You are both going to resent each other if she decides to come to Switzerland. You both want different things and have broken up twice now.
Shes not even prioritising herself and her own needs, which is sad.
People will say what they want, but I personally have immigrated to the EU from a non EU country and let me tell you it is HARD. Emotionally, financially, it’s very very hard. It’s a very difficult thing for people to do. Lots of paperwork, also trying to join a culture where you don’t speak the language and are viewed as “less skilled” with only foreign qualification for work. Knowing you will always make less money because you are a foreigner. It’s VERY scary thing to do.
I totally understand why she would be scared to do that. As an EU citizen you do not feel that kind of fear or uncertainty.
If you want to go, then leave but don’t drag her along for years of stress, anxiety and heartache.
She could get a job no problem. It seems she’s making excuses to not go.
Bbreak up and stay that way. ESH