So long story, about 5 years ago myself (31m) and my wife (29F) moved to her home state for a “fresh start” with our (at the time) 6 month old son. I was told we would have a place for us to stay and a job that we could fall back on. We lived with the in laws for about 2 years until we finally saved enough to move out and get our own apartment. Everything was good and we even had our second son (1 year now). Well a year and a half to 2 years ago i started to notice my wifes… decline. She was depressed without reason, she stopped taking care of herself, she stopped taking care of the house (stay at home mom for pregnancy), she’d spend all her time on a video game to the point my son was covered in grime and acting like he had no rules with her. On these games she’d get so emotionally invested in her “tribe” that it made me feel like she was long distance cheating. I scrubbed all that, chalking it up to post partum or something.
Well, 3 months ago I come home from a long ass day of work and she comes up to me with tears in her eyes saying, “I never want to hurt you.” I ask what its all about and then she tells me. In our 1st year of marriage she cheated on me with a member of her family. Granted she wasnt raised around this family member, but still.
Me knowing the man, my arms dropped from around her. Infatuation? gone. All those years building from nothing to have it crumple around me from an act of stupidity 5 years ago. (AITAH for giving up). I sent her back to her dad’s, where shes been staying for the past 2 months.
AITAH for wanting to move back to my home state with my boys, where i can actually start moving bigger pieces of my life, with my friends and families support? I got offered free rent and schooling from my parents, so I could save and get started on my career. I have job prospects lined up, but they are honestly a pretty for sure deal. I have my family out there that hasn’t met my sons yet. I have friends that actually miss me and want to hang out with me. Everything she (should) have here, id have over there. Shes the one that cheated, broke loyalty, and blamed me for lack of communication. She left me with all the bills and feels the need to get on my ass about money when im literally drowning in debt. My boys barely get watched or bathed by her, to the point they’re wearing the same clothes when I drop them off and pick them up. My infant typically comes back to me with diaper rash.
Ive been running on depression and still manage to take care of my boys and myself. My boys get a bath daily, eat when they’re hungry, play when they want to. Im not saying im dad of the year, I have my issues. I can be emotional sometimes, I can be lazy, I get mad sometimes, I get frustrated. Im human, but i try to be the best I can.
I feel trapped where Im at, even with everything im still not guaranteed full custody of my kids which means im stuck wherever she decides to be (which wont be my home state) idk what to do. But am I the asshole?
(Tbh I ran out of steam writing at this point so if theres any questions for any holes feel free. Been up almost every hour on the hour because my baby isn’t having a good night. My brain is fried lol)
Comments
You’ve been holding down the fort while she’s been off on her own adventure. Moving back could be just what you and your boys need time to hit reset on this game of life.
You’re not an AH for wanting to move but if she opposes it legally, you’re not going to be able to.
NTA. Document the neglect, so you can help your case. You have to move if you can. When I got divorced I had to face challenges, change of place and job, change in schedule, so I could take care of my son. You will need the support from your family and it’s not only monetary, but emotional as well.
Godspeed OP.
Document everything. Write down dates, times, and take pics of the boys condition when you get home. You’ll need every piece of evidence going forward if you want full custody of your boys. It’s not going to happen overnight so be prepared for it to take time.
Document everything! Take pictures of your boys when you drop them off, pics when you pick them up with same clothes, filthy, etc. Diaper rash pics. Texts you send her discussing the boys’ care. Her responses. Get her to admit again in text the affair. Document that, too.
Get a lawyer to help you navigate custody and changing states. Base the move on support system and job opportunities that will better your kids’ lives. Lawyer can help you with all that.
Courts do not always side with moms especially if they are neglectful. Good luck, OP.
NTA , you need to get the ball rolling with a lawyer to get custody. Start documenting everything , Good Luck with custody.
Move with the boys before divorce
Is there a custody order in place currently? Have divorce proceedings begun? Definitely consult a local attorney. It sounds like your residency has been established where you are so you can’t move them back without consulting your ex but I wonder if there’s room for negotiation.
Big hugs man. I’m sorry. Co-parenting with someone you dislike who parents poorly is torture.
Unfortunately you don’t have an option to move without her consent.
If you want to move, find a way to convince her to let you go.
In the meantime – therapy? You can’t control much in this world. But you can control yourself, and you can be the best parent possible.
Good luck with this. If she fights it, you’re screwed though. Parents have rights.
Nta, but you need a good divorce lawyer, she needed therapy and mental health meds ages ago. do what you can to document her neglect of the kids, and tell the lawyer everything.
NTA for wanting to move you and them, but a court will have to approve it.
It honestly depends on the laws where you live. You need a lawyer, not reddit.
you’re not the AH, but its pretty unrealistic for OP to think he can take the boys out of state to live elsewhere
How badly do you want to move home? I’m asking because: have you thought about proposing that you and she BOTH move? I know you’ve split up, and that was absolutely the right thing to do, but if you’re moving home to certain employment and the support of your extended family, it might be worth suggesting that she come with you. Yes, you might have to give her some financial support to rent her own place and you’d have to share custody, but you’d have your family to provide practical support to both of you. Okay, it’s galling to think about subsidising her existence, but if it’s going to get you back home with your boys it’s worth considering. And IF you can get her to move with you, then SHE’S the one who’ll subsequently be fighting a losing battle to move back to her home State with the kids if the move falls apart for her.
I’m sure people will howl me down for suggesting it, but really, you have no great options at the moment and this one might be the least worst.
I would try to get her to move back to your house area before you start any divorce actions. A father getting full custody without her agreeing will be very difficult and expensive.
The long-term GOOD of your CHILDREN is so much MORE IMPORTANT
Get excellent attorney to DEFEND THEM
http://Www.avvo.com
http://Www.strangelawfirm.com
http://www.SmedleyLawGroup.coM
r/CoParenTinG
http://www.ChildrenProtectionServices.GoV
http://Www.ACS.gov
http://www.officeofchildrenprotectionserviçes.gov
http://www.reportnegligentparents.gov
http://www.reportnegligentparents.com
r/Relocate
http://www.unwedfathersrights.com
r/abusiveparents
r/custody
http://www.childcustody.com
http://www.reportnegligentcoparent.com
Your CHILDREN and YOU are :
NTA
NTJ
NTA
Hopefully soon everything changes and is much DIFFERENT and BETTER
You need to document that you’re the primary caretaker parent for the kids. Documenting is going to be your best friend. Keep a log of your daily activities with the kids. Go get them checkups, write down you and your soon to be ex’s conversations with dates and details. Log her activities but don’t turn it into a bash fest. I wouldn’t think it’s very likely that you get to leave state unless she agrees, so you’re gonna catch more flies with honey. Try to come up with a fair and realistic custody plan. My cousin did get to move states with her kids due to domestic violence and the custody agreement was he would get a few weeks in the summers and holidays with each parent splitting the airfare. You might be playing the long game too, maybe in a few years it would be possible if the neglect continues. Good luck
Have a sit down with her dad present. Do not start out “moving out of state”. First lay out the out your current situation in this state is affecting your financial stability and hindering g the boys’ future, then the fixes/where/what it means to her and how you plan on giving the boys NON-IMPEDED COMPLETE VIDEO ACCESS TO HER 24 HOURS. be prepared to discuss visitation, how long, how children are transported and at whose expense (better be your!). Move is not to separate the children but to provide a much better financial future. Stay off the subject of your friends/social life, she will get jealous. Stay strictly on the financial success. If she feels relieved of “the burden” of finances/betterment of the boys, she may agree.
NTA. Can you move to your parents either your kids? And then file for divorce there after 6 months?