My (30s, F) husband (also 30s) and I have been together for 8 years — married for several. We’ve had our share of ups and downs, but recently we were actually doing really well. For context, I can’t have children, and he married me knowing that. It’s something we’ve both processed over the years, and I truly believed we had made peace with it.
A couple months ago, my sister — who has a long history of addiction and instability — asked us to take her kids temporarily while she “got her life together” and prepared to move out of the area. She didn’t lose custody — this was her choice. But in the past, she’s made similar promises about leaving and “getting stable,” and it ends up dragging on for years. The kids already have a place to stay, but we agreed to let them live with us for better supervision and structure in the meantime.
At first, I was fully on board with helping. But within weeks, my husband shifted completely. He became emotionally consumed by this “new role” as a parent and started referring to it as his “second chance at fatherhood.” He started prioritizing the kids and the situation as if it were permanent, while leaving me — his actual wife — emotionally neglected and excluded.
Every time I tried to express how hurt and unseen I felt, he either dismissed me or acted like I was getting in the way of something meaningful. I reminded him that this isn’t our family, this isn’t our future — this is a temporary, messy situation we agreed to help with out of kindness. But now, I feel erased. Replaced. Like he’s chasing a fantasy of fatherhood and leaving our real marriage to rot.
It’s even more painful because every time I start to feel like I could be okay with the idea of parenting in some form, he shifts like this — cold, distant, like I don’t matter anymore. And it just confirms why I don’t want to bring a child into this kind of emotional dynamic.
So I told him: if this is really what he wants more than our marriage, I’ll step away. I’m planning to separate and live in our other house (the kids mothers house). I’ve asked him directly for a yes or no — is this temporary situation more important than the life we built? Because if it is, I’ll file for divorce and stop trying to compete with someone else’s dream.
Some people around us are acting like I’m heartless or abandoning the kids. But I never signed up to be erased. I never agreed to sacrifice my emotional well-being and marriage so someone else could play out their parenting fantasy.
AITAH for wanting to walk away from a marriage where I no longer feel seen, chosen, or prioritized — just so my husband can keep pretending this is his family?
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It’s completely valid to feel betrayed, especially if this situation is reopening emotional wounds you thought were settled. You’re allowed to set boundaries, even if kids are involved. Your mental and emotional health matters too.
Devils advocate here – I don’t think either of you are in the wrong here. It’s kinda ironic how you skipped the pregnancy, and went straight to how a lot of people with kids feel. They are demanding and command a lot of attention to do the job properly. I’d suggest to do it with him, and involve yourself more if you’re looking for advice. Sometimes we don’t always get to choose who needs us.
NTA. What a terrible situation, OP. There’s only heartbreak ahead here. You’re absolutely right to step away. Your husband is over involved with somebody else’s kids and those kids will go back to their mom whenever she decides she wants them back. Meanwhile, he’s destroyed your marriage for a temporary caregiving situation. It sounds like you two are no longer on the same page, especially in terms of having kids. A divorce will allow you both to move on, you without kids and him to find somebody that can have kids. I hope he doesn’t get into a relationship with your sister just to keep the kids.
If your husband is more invested in being Mr. Mom than being a partner to you, then he might need a reality check or at least a map back to marital bliss. Your feelings matter too after all, no one wants to be the ghost haunting their own marriage while someone else plays house.
>At the start of your post you said you can’t have children but just before the end of it you posted: And it just confirms why I don’t want to bring a child into this kind of emotional dynamic.
Nothing wrong with either, I’m just a little confused as to whether this is a choice for you or out of your hands.
You’ve not given any examples of how you’ve been neglected and therefore I cannot give a definitive opinion.
I personally think you shouldn’t throw away a marriage for your husbands temporary adjustment of responsibilities. I’d sit down and talk about how even parents need to make time for their spouse: how yall will need to focus on quality time together.
I say give him time, give yourself time.
It’s temporary like you said right? I understand how it can hurt but things get better with time
NTA. The kids thing is clearly important to him. You’ve accepted that kids aren’t in your future. Your priorities have shifted in opposite directions and you’re no longer compatible. The relationship has run its course. No use one or both of you being unhappy together, or resentful.
If you divorce, those kids would be nobody for him. They’re not related by blood and you don’t have children to be their cousins. He’ll lose everything.
NTA. You’re right to want to step away, not because of how well he takes care of the kids but for how he is treating you. He clearly holds some resentment of you not being able to give him children of your own, but he knew the score from the beginning. What is he going to do when these kids have to go back to their mother and his little fantasy is shattered? He’ll be alone and he will only have himself to blame.
NTA for having the feelings, maybe delay the actions.
There are 2 sides. If you knew you couldn’t have kids and your husband knew you couldn’t have kids do you think you would have ended up married?
I think the novelty of having kids will wear off. They’re your nephews and nieces – don’t you want to be involved with them? Maybe you and your husband need to sit down and discuss what each of your family and extended family expectations are ? And also long term expectations – are you the only stable adult people in these kids lives, do you want that?
I wonder how this story would play out, among women, especially if the roles were reversed .
As a matter of fact, I think that is precisely what this is.
The husband is pretending to be the wife.
She is the actual caregiver and the husband is the one posting this.
Why? Because men are not biologically wired to assume the role of caregiver/nurturer.
This is primarily a female biological instinct.
If you moved away from your husband wouldn’t the kids stay with you because you are their blood relation? Why does it sound like they would stay with him?
Well thank goodness those kids have at least one person that can show them support and attention.
INFO how old are the kids in question? When is your sister coming back? It’s hard to tell if your husband is neglecting you or if caring for kids just takes time and you resent that he’s good at it/actively engaged. Given your sister’s history, have the kids experienced trauma from repeated abandonments?
Yes, your marriage should come first but kids take a lot of time. Can you leave the kids with your mom or other family for the weekend and reconnect with your husband.
Sounds like these kids have been traumatized and deserve stability, love and to feel safe. Once OP decided to help out, even temporarily, they should be the priority. Instead of focusing on their needs, this has become a power play and OP sounds jealous and envious of time and focus. ESH, except the kids.
I’m wondering why you let him take over. You’re their blood relation. Are the kids going to stay with him? He has no legal right to them.
I think without your sister’s kids he’s realized he wants to be a father and you are now on different paths.
How very sad. He is inflicting terrible pain on you. I’m so sorry.
How long ago did you pose the question to him? Did he give you an answer? It seems to me that a non-answer is really an answer. Do you have a time limit? If you did, please stick to it.
Good luck.
INFO: How long has it been?
So… I don’t think there is an asshole here. You feel neglected and that is valid… but you also opened your home to these kids and while you and him may have been on the same page about not having kids it is obvious that taking on a parental role (which is exactly what the two of you did) has caused his perspective to change. Emotions are obviously high or you wouldn’t be bringing up divorce but you should also recognize that his emotions are probably high as well. You two need counselling to help process your situation and actually figure out what you both want and work towards that, even if it means parting ways because you both want different lives at this point.
Edit to Add: I noticed going through the thread you said it has been two months since this started, that is a relatively small time frame for what is a rather major change to living conditions. You two are still in an adjustment period. It doesn’t change my recommendation though, you two are not seeing eye to eye on a fundamental level, get professional help.
NTA but it sounds like he wants kids, but he doesn’t want to end the marriage either knowing that you can’t have biological children yourself.
That’s what to do divorce your husband have the nieces and nephews taking away and find a man who’s only interest is you
NTA but I’d be pushing for couples therapy before throwing away your marriage. This response from him is likely rooted in unresolved pain, grief and wounds related to not being a father like he had dreamed. He needs to see a therapist for that.
Also something to consider is if the exact same rooted issue is possibly why you’re removing yourself from the situation too – you know that if you embrace having kids and a parent role you could be immeasurable hurt when they are taken away and your dream, that you allowed yourself to revive after you’d given up and accepted the grief of not being a parent, was ripped away again.
By emotionally removing yourself and doing the opposite of your husband, distancing yourself from a parenting role, you’re likely trying to protect yourself from the possible of being hurt again and having the family ripped away.
This is why I recommend therapy. IMO it feels like this situation has just brought back up dormant grief over not being a parent and you and your husband are just having opposite “trauma” responses (can’t think of a better word rn than trauma response).
YTA. These kids are going thru turbulence, and it’s all about you. Your husband sounds like a good person. Many men would not take on the responsibility.