For more context, I am 22, my brother is 33, and his ex’s daughter is 11. 12 years ago, he had an on and off relationship with this woman, (we’ll call her) Paula. Paula was always a disrespectful person to where our mother told him she genuinely was not allowed in our house, due to Paula calling our mother out her name several times. She cheated on my brother, admitted it, and ended up having a baby by the man she cheated on him with, but chose to stay with my brother because my brother was a “family man,” and he got back together with her.
Now, her daughter is growing up to act like her. Disobedient, dishonest, cursing classmates/teachers out, flips off the police and finds pleasure in making others cry. She’s already been kicked out of kindergarten, 1st-3rd grade and now she is homeschooled because she could not keep her hands to herself, and instead of correcting her, Paula would curse out the school it. It would fall on my brother, because every time she was in trouble, Paula would drop her daughter off with my brother and disappear, not answering her phone til she decides to come pick her up. My brother finds no issue in this.
Paula’s daughter is now 11, and my brother & Paula separated about 5-6 years ago, but they’re still coparenting PAULA’s daughter. Now my brother finally had his FIRST BLOOD child, my niece, who I absolutely fell in love with. (The mother of my niece is cordial with my brother, but they broke up shortly before my niece was born) As every first auntie says about their niece/nephew, that’s MY baby. She is 10 months old as of 2 weeks ago and is already starting to walk, but when I came over his house to see her, Paula’s daughter was there. Every time I tried playing with my niece, or if my niece got too giggly or happy, Paula’s daughter would come running to the living room and mess with her by pushing her feet apart, making my niece lose her balance, slamming my niece’s fingers in between books “by accident”, swinging my niece by her arms when she’s trying to practice walking or will pick her up and spin her around really fast. Eventually, my niece began being overstimulated, and began crying and fussing. I asked my brother if there was any way he could calm Paula’s daughter down. This little girl heard that, and immediately got in my face, and yelled “NO!” I guess she thought it was cute, because she immediately started giggling and continued messing with my niece.
Now, I look at my brother’s again so he can correct it, and he did not. I let it go, up until it was time for my niece to eat, and she snatched the bottle from my niece’s mouth, and dangled it over her so she couldn’t reach it, making her scream and cry since she was already tired. I lost it. I screamed at the little girl to go to leave her alone, and her room, and it seems like that’s the first time she’s ever been yelled at or disciplined, cause she ran to her room, slammed her door and started screaming and throwing things in her room, kicking the door and making some weird noises? Now my brother’s mad at me, because I should’ve held my tongue, and let her “be a kid.” She’s 11 with no social life, and never got corrected for anything so I don’t blame her. I blame my brother and her mother who did not get it fixed at a young age. If she does this in FRONT of me, I’m scared about what happens behind closed doors. Now my brother is telling my dad and mom what happened. My dad agrees with him saying I should’ve held my tounge, but that he understands that I’m just a protective auntie. My mom doesn’t think I’m wrong at all. I know he probably told Paula, so I’m just waiting on a call right now from her, telling me how much of a “bad influence” I am. AITAH?
Note: I do understand that me yelling at a child is what makes me a bad person, but Jesus. Who’s gonna sit there and watch their niece who isn’t even 1 yet get treated like that without her dad stepping in? Was i overstepping?
Comments
NTA, I’ve had to be the Aunt in this situation. It’s hard when the parents suck and let kids behave poorly. They need to learn and be held accountable. It has nothing to do with being “protective “ but everything to do with teaching kids how to behave.
That girl is a bully
I actually dont think you did enough, but also where is this baby’s mom?????
If this child is physically hurting the baby in front of her dad, who knows what she is doing when nobody is looking. I think you need to call CPS. I dont say that lightly but what happens when your brother steps out of the room and the 11 year old “accidentally” pushes the baby and she hits her head on the table? This is a mess waiting to happen and even if they cant take the baby, they probably wont, a CPS scare could help.
I see you in the comments saying your brother is an amazing father and i need you to understand he is not. Letting one child, who isnt his, terrorize his BABY in front of him is not how an amazing father acts. He is a bad dad.
Is Paula this child’s mother too? If not, where the hell is the mom? This girl is gonna end up hurting that baby by being so rough. This girl is gonna end up in jail or extremely alone ( which she sound like she already is ) if she’s actually not soon disciplined and taught how to behave amongst others which is just extremely sad. They are not doing this girl any favors and as an adult ppl is not gonna be as kind to her. Call CPS, if she’s willing to do all this with eyes on her, who to say what she does when no eyes is on her? Especially if she thinks/doesn’t realize what she is doing is wrong
Where’s the baby’s mom? And why does your brother have custody of a child that’s not his
I’d start recording Paula’s daughter’s interactions and behavior toward your niece every time you’re visiting. Tell your brother it’s for CPS to document the abusive actions, which, combined with the documented expulsions, could result in him losing custody. Protect your niece because allowing her to be tormented is abusive.
NTA
NTA. The older girl could wind up killing the younger child. She is on a path to destruction. Also, your brother is a rat for tattling to your parents. He could have handled things like an adult man.
NTA, no way I’d stand idly by while an infant gets tormented by a spoiled brat. Brothers gotta set their kids straight and stop letting them run wild…
… my own niece’s a handful too, but at least my sis keeps her in check most times. This dude needs to step up and show his daughter who’s boss, pronto.
ESH. It’s not good to yell at children. It changes their brains – and tends to lead to more behavior like this – not less. You are correct that she needs boundaries – but yelling is not how you should enforce them.
It sounds like Paula’s daughter needs to be assessed by a psychologist. The behavior you’re describing goes beyond just being spoiled. Especially since these issues are so severe, she’s not able to be in a classroom.
It can be hard for parents to accept that their child is not just being a kid – but is actually displaying significant symptoms of mental health issues.
So – I would apologize for yelling, but I would also try to help your brother see what’s happening here.
Right now everyone is blaming the child for her behavior, or making excuses, but no one is looking at the child’s behavior as an expression of her experience.
If Paula’s daughter is so emotionally dysregulated on a day to day basis that this behavior is necessary to express that / try to stabilize herself – something is seriously wrong, and she is suffering.
Children do develop personality disorders as a result of bad parenting – so that could be the case here. But kids are also often born with brain abnormalities that cause behavior like this. So – for the sake of getting somewhere with your brother – I would focus on this being an illness, like any other, that the child deserves to have acknowledged & treated.
If you help Paula’s daughter with her mental health issues, it will protect your niece from this abuse even when you aren’t there. So, try to get past your resentment towards Paula and her daughter if you can, and see what you can do about getting this kid some help.
Your brother needs to be willing to defend his daughter or he is going to be a miserable father. Someone (maybe a therapist?) needs to tell him his innocent baby is already being bullied by an 11 year old and it is HIS responsibility to keep her safe. This child is too small to defend herself and he is a sorry excuse of a father to allow her to be continued bullied. Paula’s daugher is jealous of the attention the baby is getting and I am afraid she is going to really hurt her. I would tell your brother that he should never allow Paula’s daughter to be in his place if his baby is there — no exceptions. I would guess he doesn’t want to “fail” Paula’s daughter but he has a baby that needs his protection. And if you have Child Protective Services in your area, please stop in and ask for advice. Tell them you are seriously concerned that a jealous 11 year old is going to hurt (or worse) a baby, the father is allowing it to happen, and you don’t know what to do to ensure the safety of the baby. Maybe they will have some advice you can use.
Neither are your brothers kids. Lol he’s a fool.
NTA I would be calling CPS she could really hurt the baby.
Someone needs to call CPS before the baby who can’t protect herself is injured.
Nta but you need to ask your brother what happens when his daughter is seriously hurt by his SD, because that is going to happen and CPas will be called on them
YTA for not calling CPS
>My brother finds no issue in this.
Honestly, sounds like your brother just knows it’s actually his kid.
The story just doesn’t make sense with the facts presented the way you tell them. If this kid isn’t your brother’s and he’s not still with Paula, then why does Paula’s daughter have a bedroom in his house?
I think you just might not be in the loop or experiencing some kind of denial, because this 11 year old is pretty clearly his daughter too.
I didn’t finish reading. How did you just sit by and watch the daughter messing with a baby without stepping in to STOP it while it was happening? How was that kid able to grab the baby and swing her around? Or slam her fingers in between books? There was a way to stop this immediately- take the baby back from the kid. Seems to me like you didn’t do near enough. ESH.
OP, call CPS and report those actions, it starts like this and in a few months the LAH will push your niece down the stairs with a grin when she gets hurt.
NTA. That feral child is going to seriously injure the baby, and probably on purpose.
You didn’t go far enough. Call CPS on your brother and demand that baby not be around that child. He can have parenting time with both and not have them together.
NTA.
OP that is child abuse you are witnessing and your brother is allowing it to Happen.
You aren’t even a bad person for yelling at that child.
I got 4 year and 9 year old cousins that know to act better than that when a baby is around.
She could seriously stunt her growth and development.
CPS.. Call them now.
This 11 year old is tormenting an infant. IN FRONT OF everyone apparently.
Your brother is an absolute monster, as much as his two ex gf’s are.
Block Paula.
NTA. You need to inform your nieces mother. She needs to file for custody and make sure that Paula’s daughter isn’t around when your niece is with your brother.
She is going to hurt that baby either out of jealousy or because she is following her mothers lead. The kid is years away before being able to comunicate if anything happens to her.
NTA Tell the baby’s mother that your brother allows the baby to be abused so she can get him down to supervised visitation and also not allow him to see the baby while the wild child is there. The baby is in danger
Call CPS on Paula and the little psychopath she isn’t raising. That baby is in danger at that house
If your brother wants to be a doormat for such a foolish, disgusting woman, that is on him. But that baby should not be subjected to any of that
CPS can help the situation by getting the father to see the abuse and putting him in parenting classes. Social workers try to help the family.
NTA- but your brothers daughter will end up in juvie or get the shit kicked out of her when she messes with the wrong person. She is already out of control as a child and will only get worse as she ages.
!updateme
Updateme!
NTA. I would express clearly to everyone that the next person that intentionally hurts that baby gets CPS called on them. And if your brother looses one kid because he won’t protect her, it’s better for her. It’s better to never see a baby than let a sociopath break her body or soul.
Call Child Protective Services.
This is what she did when others were watching her.
NTA this kid is a cps case waiting to happen and then let’s see how your brother feels when he can’t see his bio baby anymore
PARENTS CAN NOT BE FRIENDS with children until they are almost 18. because other wise they are just setting you up. remember this ALL TEENAGERS do what it was YOU did as a TEEN !!!
Your brother and the kid’s mother have no business being parents. NTA.
You tell everyone that’s saying that to you maybe if her parents actually parent her she wouldn’t be a brat and I would talk to your neice mom about keeping her baby away from her
NTA. Videotape how the older child treats the younger child and provide the evidence to the younger child’s mother before the baby gets seriously hurt.
Okay. Number one look your brother directly in the face and say to him fine. I won’t speak to that child like that again but the next time I see her do anything to harm your daughter. I will be calling social services and reporting you for allowing your child who isn’t even a year to get her fingers pinched between books. Her food taken away from her knocked down and anything else I ever see that girl do to her. I will report it and I will make sure that her mother knows so that you lose all rights to see your child. You are being a crappy father to your child and preference to a little girl who has no boundaries and you’re willing to let your baby your own flesh and blood be injured because this girl thinks it’s fun. I mean I’m sorry but at this point in all honesty I would find a phone that can’t be traced back to you and I would call social services. They probably have an 800 number and I would tell them exactly what happened when it happened and that you needed to be anonymous. I mean you’ve told your parents about it. You can say you told a friend at school or a counselor or anybody else about it. They can suspect at you but they can’t prove it
You just watched your niece get physically abused and her father let it happen. He should never be allowed to be alone with that child again.
At minimum if you have any way to contact your niece’s mother contact her. Tell her what you saw and make her go to court and demand supervise visitation for your brother that other girl should never be allowed anywhere near that child.
Please don’t misunderstand. I am glad you tried to stand up for your niece but you’re not being allowed to so dump this in the lap of somebody with the authority to do something about it. Your niece’s mother and department of child services social services. Whatever they want to call it where you are. You need to put an end to this immediately where that little girl’s going to end up in a hospital or worse because that girl your make believe niece is never going to stop. She literally gets joy out of torturing people. She needs mental health services and the thing is under the circumstances with what she did one interview with social services and they’ll take over. She’ll only scream at them once her behavior will land her in a group home and mental health counseling. But this only happens if you get really, really brave and force it to happen
You need to call CPS TODAY. Describe exactly what you saw, and that your brother and his ex are present and allowing it to happen.
Holy shit. NTA and your brother needs to stop allowing this child in his house. She’s a danger. Is this baby also Paula’s?? I would seriously consider reporting to CPS if your Bro won’t put his foot down and protect his baby
NTA for sure! That little brat deserved a good slap! That behaviour she portrayed sounds downright dangerous for a baby.
You are absolutely right, she isn’t getting disciplined for her behaviour and/or actions, and that definitely falls on the parents to administer and that’s not happening, so what did your brother expect? To just let her carry on until she actually physically hurt his baby?
No. You did the right thing.
YTA for not immediately calling CPS and reporting your brother. Refusing to protect an infant from abuse makes your brother abusive himself. And now, you’re doing the same thing by not escalating this to the highest local authority. Tell the child’s mother how much physical and mental torment her child is undergoing and report it to CPS and the police. Be clear that you will not sit by as a child is abused because your brother is too weak to defend her.
That said, your extreme focus on how this child is biologically related to your brother and othering a child that isn’t biologically his but he has made clear he is the second parent to is not a great quality.