I (44F) have a box at the top of my closet full of old letters from when a good friend of mine went on a mission for 2 years , notes from friends and ex’s, cards, pictures, and wedding invitations to people i forgot their names and movie ticket stubs etc from middle school, high school and college and shortly after. Some are happy memories some are not as happy, but memories none the less.
I haven’t even gone through through this box in probably 20 years it just lives in my closet and in all my moves over the last 25+ years it just comes along. There is nothing to hide in it, just old memories and dumb shit that middle /high school kids write eachother and letters that a missionary sent his friend for 2 years.
Yesterday I came home from work, to find my husband going through it and reading everything. At first I laughed and said “find anything interesting?”
Then I noticed he made a mess of it (it is organized by person and middle, high-school and college etc) everything was all mixed up, letters weren’t put back in envelopes etc.
I got pissed and told him not to touch my stuff if he was going to just make a mess of it.
He said he just wanted to see what was so important that I kept for over 25 years and he was going to put it away.
So I asked him if he knew what envelope belonged to each letter and what ticket and picture belonged to who? He got mad and told me it didn’t really matter. I told him to get out of my face and let me put it back together.
Now he is pissed off because “it’s just old letters and pictures”
AITAH for yelling at my husband for making a mess of a box of old letters and pictures? He thinks I am
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NTA
Why didn’t he ask you to show him the box? He was being nosey, and now he messed up your memories and should at the very least apologize.
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NTA, yeah it’s really fair to be upset, no one likes having their stuff messed with without asking, especially something personal like that, I get it, and I think a lot of people would side with you on this… maybe talk to him about how important those memories are to you and see if there’s a way to keep them safe together. It sounds like a tough spot, but maybe this could be a chance to connect over what really matters in your relationship.
Not at all, his careless handling of your documented memories is insulting, it’s as if your life has no meaning.
NTA . If he was curious he should of spoken to you.
He was looking for something. Has he been unfaithful, and is looking for a way to share the blame?
Ideas like this don’t spring from Zeus’s forehead. SOMETHING made him suddenly *need* to see what’s in those letters. The fact that he to zero care with their order and left a mess is a HUGE red flag. ETA: NTA
Certainly, he’s definitely wrong but that doesn’t mean your reaction can’t also be wrong.
If you’re going to go through something like that, put it back. He sees a worthless box of crap. You see memories that were neatly organized that he messed up. Neither of you is wrong, but treating someone else’s treasure as trash because that’s what it is to you is disrespectful. NTA.
You know how some women accuse men of weaponized incompetence. This is an example.
NTA
I’m very confused on why he decided to see it after so long, what suddenly sparked that curiosity? And if it did make him curious he should’ve asked you at the very least before opening it and making a mess.
NTA but I would forever question the validity of a relationship, should my partner keep items from an ex. They’re an ex for a reason.
(Same with widows. (Speaking from a male POV) i’ve read confessions from widows who often think of their dead spouse/partner, when having sex with a new man).
NTA it’s your memory box. Fiancé asked to look at mine years ago and now actively keeps gig tickets, wristbands etc. and adds to it so it’s kind of our shared memory box now, he never would have disrespected me by just going through it without me
ESH – wow.
just because you are (justifiably) pissed off over it does not make shouting and nastiness a good solution.
Husband is TAH for this horrible transgression. OP is TAH (less so) for making it a shouting confrontation instead of expressing loss, grief, sadness and engaging some empathy from said AH husband. SHouting clearly did not and generally will not fix a situation like this.
YtA. That was pretty mean of you to say that to him and it may make you come across as suspicious because he might have interpreted your anger at the mess as an excuse that you are hiding something.
Also, this is just my opinion, but there shouldn’t really any secrets in a relationship.
You need to find a new place for that box , do you have a deposit box ?
Cannot be trusted again
NTA. Though if I was OP I’d secure that box. Put a lock on it. Cause you never know if your husband decides to throw out what he considers to be “just old letters and pictures”. They sound like memories in your life that you want to have safe and secure!
You said it wasn’t important. Came to say it’s ok if it is.
If it isn’t, yelling seems extreme. If it is, being upset is understandable
I think he wanted to find something he could shame you with. And it backfired because he’s looking like a slob and a prick. And he still didn’t find any ammo to get mad at you. I’m serious. Why else would he look now? The other thing is he cheated and he was hoping he could find an excuse why.
Historian here! When a famous person gives their personal papers to a library it is a “best practice” to preserve them as closely as possible in the organization that the person originally used— bc the way people organize documents tells you something about their values and priorities. Your husband didn’t know— or think to care about —this, which is really rude. I imagine he felt embarrassed being. Aight going through your private things, but that’s an explanation, not an excuse.
NTA: He owes you at least two apologies.
NTA, but don’t keep him on the hot seat for too long. When I first started reading this, I thought you were going to say he threw them out. At least you still have them.
What kind of mission?
NTA, but yelling isn’t going to help in the long run. Solid communication once you’re both in a calm state is vastly more likely to improve things.
I can’t imagine you have a level of OCD that requires something you haven’t looked at in 20 years to be in perfect organizational order. You were mad he went snooping when all he had to do was ask. NTA
My wife collected all of this stuff for me when I moved out of college and from my old bedroom at my parents house. Didn’t even know I had a box until I stumbled on it a couple of decades later. My wife collected all kinds of stuff of mine that I forgot about. Even random pictures of me with other girls. She just saw it as part of my past before her.
You are NTA.
YTA. You could have handled that better. He was shocked that your envelope count was so high. I think his envelope count was a lot less than yours…maybe 1 or 0. You owe him an apology, and to let him know that you’re going to make an envelope for him, and his will be bigger than all the rest.
My wife has a similar box that she keeps on a bookshelf. I’ve never gone through it with her or by myself. I wouldn’t go through it without her knowing because I recognize that she’s a very private person.
What an invasive arse! It’s one thing to be like, hey honey, would you go through this box with me. I’d like to see what’s made it so special for you and hear the stories. Not, I’m going to disorganize and disrespect your life, what’s meaningful to you, and tell you it doesn’t matter.
NTA, is he always so dismissive towards you or was this just a special circumstance?
If “it’s just old letters and pictures” why did he feel the need to go through them without your permission? He was being nosey/jealous and now he’s trying to gaslight you.
But if you go out to the garage a put something back in the wrong spot, all hell would break loose.
Being attracted to men is a curse. NTA.
There’s a level of disrespect in the way he carelessly rifled through your mementos and dismissed your objections that I find genuinely unsettling.
NTA. He was snooping, that makes him the ass who has suspicious intentions.
As big of an oaf that he is, he was probably feeling super close to you, peeking into your life, when you – legit grievance – went off.
He felt guilty when you caught him, and now he’s deflecting the guilt with anger.
He should apologize, even if it was an honest mistake.
Relationships are built on meeting each other halfway. Maybe verbally recognize that he didn’t mean to do it, but that you still feel disrespected, and to please be more careful with your things.
Maybe he can help you put it back together, as a group activity, if you feel comfortable with that. Seems like it could be a good opportunity for him to learn more about you, about your friends, and about your past.
ETA: instead of sneaking to learn about you, he can ask you about the different people and hear you tell your stories yourself
NTA, those are your memories, if he wanted to look at them, he should have asked.
I keep every birthday, Christmas, and Valentine’s Day cards given to me, even one from before I was 2. (Not sure how, lol)
I showed my boyfriend because he wanted to know what was in the box, however, mine isn’t organized. But he knows how much these mean to me, especially since my grandparents died and most of those letters are from them.
After my grandma died, I made digital copies of everything she sent me because I was worried I could lose them.
NTA.
What a jerk.
He should never have gone through it without asking you; then, if it were ok with you, he should have let you show him your own things, any way you wanted.
And if you said “stay out if my private stuff” he should shut up and done that.
I’d re-evaluate whether this guy is respectful enough of your experience and autonomy as a separate being to be a proper partner in the long-term. He sounds controlling, contemptuous and frankly a little creepy.
>I told him to get out of my face
NTA, but I really wanted to highlight this part. He got in your face??
What a fucking nosy prick, you are NTA but goddamn your partner really shit the bed on this one.
NTA! The Virgo / slight ocd in me is furious for you!!! Does he collect anything? Go through it and spread it all out and mix it up and see how HE feels!!! Ugghhhhh!!! 😤
NTA. He was snooping, if he really wanted to know what was in the box he would have asked you to go through it with him and he should never have touched because it was your personal stuff. Especially to have it messy and unorganized like that. He owes you an apology.
No, he is the a$$hole here
Snooping through your stuff is disrespectful af. Id be upset too.
ETAH. Y’all have some work to do on your communication. It sounds like there may be deeper issues here.
How long have you been married? Has he ever seemed insecure to you? Regardless it doesn’t seem like it’s an issue of jealousy but I would guess it is just blatant disrespect born out of insecurity, thus the gas lighting that you’re overreacting it was just old cards and letters.
Yes but so is your husband
Obviously, NTA
This was wrong of him. He clearly doesn’t respect your items. I’d be pissed.
NTA
I am one of these return missionaries. One of my most consistent correspondents was my first love. Her letters were always on point and inspirational. Anyone could read them. Fast forward, two years into my marriage and the (ex)wife got rid of all these letters during a move. In fact she got rid of ALL my mission letters, including family and friends.
I’m also a perfectionist and my organization is meticulously mine.
Memories are yours to cherish and share. He should respect those boundaries. All he had to do was ask.
Honestly? I wonder if he has been going through this box for years every once in a while and he is just pissed that you have the GALL to think he won’t clean up after himself like he has done 50+ times before without your noticing XD. Kinda like when I used to take the top of my sister’s ice cream in the freezer without her knowing by following the curvature of the scoops and only taking a thin layer at a time XD. Or when I used to sneak around my grandparents bedroom so I could look at the hundreds of pictures my grandfather took of my grandmother. My grandmother was an extremely private person so she would have flipped if she had known but man you could tell my grandfather loved her and there were so many untold stories inside those pictures. It helped my imagination… Even if I were a little shit for doing it according to a ton of y’all lol.
All y’all people who expect he is unfaithful are hardened. He could simply just like thinking of her when she isn’t there and going through the memories. And imagining her back then. And yes. He is being nosy. But it doesn’t have to be for nefarious reasons.
NTA but I would look into scanning/taking pics of anything you can as a digital back up. I know reading a letter on the computer screen isn’t the same as holding the page in your hand, but if there is a fire or hubs decided to trash the box, you lose it all irrevocably.
I would’ve been so pissed! I find that very disrespectful. If he wanted to know what was in the box. He could’ve asked you and together you could go thru your memories.
But they are Your memories and Your stuff.
Nta
Does he have a tool room or garage? Go mess it up..
HE’S PISSED OFF?!??!!
Wow, what a dumb person.
NTA
Can this marriage be saved? NTA.
NTA. Sounds like she’s the one who needs mental help.
This man might be like me and when a bit low jealousy can rear its ugly head. Is it really hard for you to reorganize it again? Ask for his help and talk about your memories. Do it in a safe way and he’ll open up to you too. Tell him if anything triggers his own memories all the better. Don’t you realize if after all this time you haven’t shared why you keep these things he will be curious? It’s like a secret box if you’ve never shared it. Secrets aren’t a good thing if it leads to worry or speculation. Good luck. Make lemonade.
Regardless of what it is, it wasn’t his to go through. If it’s not yours, don’t touch it.
NTA, it’s YOUR stuff. You have every right to be mad.
The level of disrespect is just … appalling. Like “are we headed towards divorce” level of disrespect.
My wife and I have boxes of old stuff/pictures from our childhood and early adult years. And by now we’ve gone through them all – but TOGETHER! I would never go through her stuff, nor she mine. We don’t have any secrets, but basic boundaries of respect are very reasonable. (married 33 years).
Not at all. He was out of line, and extremely disrespectful.