The original post was messy so I’ll just explain some things and tell you final update.
I am not Emma’s legal guardian and I can’t make any decisions for her so I can’t take her to therapy myself. My original post sounded harsh to many people so I made edits to make it sound less harsh, although I didn’t realise it was harsh, it’s just the way I speak I guess.
I said that Emma was creepy and it made many people mad since she’s a kid, although I said that I don’t actually think she is scary or creepy, but her actions definitely can be. I see why that sounds bad. People might not believe it but I really do love her, I really want her to have a normal life and be more like kids her age. This is not okay, I can’t continue enabling her behaviour because it’s not good for her. In my original post I gave many details about it.
Also, her dad isn’t extremely deadbeat like it sounds, but I really don’t understand why he is so against therapy. You may think that things I said were too harsh but I don’t agree.
Finally
Last night when I got back home, Emma and him were in a park. I found a backpack with her clothes at the front door so I thought that they maybe want to leave or something. When they came back she told me she packed a bag to come with me if I’m going away, so that she can come with me. I told her that I won’t leave and that I was just stuck at work so I couldn’t answer my phone. I spent the rest of the night with her, I was telling her that even when I go somewhere it’s okay, she doesn’t have to worry that I won’t come back. I told her she can visit her grandparents if she’d like and its still going to be okay, nobody is leaving anywhere.
She still doesn’t want to go to them but I think she’s calmer. I also talked to my husband, this time in a better tone. I told him I don’t hate Emma and I just want her to feel better. He told me he knows I don’t hate her, he’s like more open to actually doing something. He’s also worried about thd pencil situation. I told him that’s alarming and that he absolutely has to do something about it. He told me he will talk to school to maybe find a therapist through school. Although I think that’s not so great idea since he would have to wait 20ish days for school to start again.
He told me that Emma said that I’m her best friend so I definitely need to not fail her.
I don’t know if there were more things to explain. I would like to find out about why she doesn’t want to go to grandparents still but I’ll find out more from her maybe.
That’s it.
Comments
I hope your husband follows through on the therapy soon, because it sounds like she’s been carrying a lot of fear for a long time.
Thank you for updating. Sometimes doing what is best for someone is hard. You’re looking out for her wellbeing despite it being hard and I applaud you for standing up for her.
Updateme
I didn’t think it sounded harsh, just honest. Her actions were incredibly not normal for anyone regardless of their age. It’s good you spoke up and hopefully your husband gets her what she may need.
Sounds like she has an intense fear of losing another mother figure, and believes that if she stays glued to you at all times, you’ll be ok. If she is away from you, she may believe that you’ll also vanish and never return. Very scary for a little kid. So do keep talking to her and reassuring her that you’re not going anywhere, that you’ll always be home after work and be there when she comes back from the grandparents etc.
Also, if she was sent to her grandparents when her mother was dying, she may also associate going there with losing her mother, and she may associate being away at school as terrifying because what it someone dies while I’m here? Please OP, insist that your boyfriend not delay getting her grief counselling. There have to be resources available that don’t require you to wait until school starts. His baby is reeling from the loss of her mom, is traumatized and acting out and needs help asap.
He also needs to talk to her, listen to her and reassure her that the adults in her life are there for her. Not sure why he’s letting it be your problem to solve, so he needs to step up and work with you to help his kid.
As for the acting out at school, talk to her. Say things like, remember that time you got in trouble at school for (whatever it was), do you remember why you were so upset? Did you feel angry? Did you feel scared? Start to give her the language and opportunity to examine and talk about her feelings so that she can hopefully stop having to act them out everywhere. Having a counsellor to help the whole family navigate this is essential – just sending her will help but honestly you all need it.
You’re not her best friend. You’re an adult her dad is sleeping with. Once again your partner is dumping the burden of this kids’ emotional regulation on you.
A big question, why isn’t she nearly as attached to her last living parent as she is to dad’s new wife? That alone should tell you how involved he is regarding raising his kid. This is a huge issue with both of them as a family unit OP. It took Emma attacking another child in a public space for him to finally admit that ‘maybe’ something needs to change. He should be stepping up to provide emotional support for his own child, not pawning her off on you as the primary carer.
If this level of enmeshment happened and OP was male, there would be accusations of grooming happening. Just because Emma and OP are the same gender, it doesn’t excuse how inappropriate Emma’s behaviours are. And even if there aren’t any accusations… do you realise Emma bonding that fast with an unrelated adult makes her extremely vulnerable to any kind of grooming in the future? Her dad denying her immediate intensive therapy that he’s involved in is putting her at risk. He’s failing to protect her in any way by continuing to expect OP to ‘mother away’ any issues. That’s not how life works.
Emma is being failed. OP is being manipulated into continuing to be an emotional support pet. Hopefully no other kid gets seriously injured before Emma can see a professional.
They’re putting an awful lot on you. You can’t leave, you can’t make decisions for her, you’re powerless in this situation.
I think you should make it an absolute ultimatum that Emma gets individual counseling and you and your husband go to marital counseling. It’s hard to navigate the step family life. If he doesn’t follow through immediately you should leave. Stop promising you won’t leave. If Emma’s behavior escalates over the years for whatever reason you need to be prepared to save yourself.
I think you should insist on it happening before school. It’s this lackadaisical, do-nothing approach from Emma’s father that is alarming.
Tell your husband to call the pediatricians office for a recommendation and not wait for the school.
“He told me that Emma said that I’m her best friend so I definitely need to not fail her.”
This is unacceptable. He is laying this at your feet. I’m actually wondering if he’s coached Emma to behave like this with you so you’re saddled with dealing with her. I would think very carefully about whether this is the life you want. He does not sound like a reliable partner to me.
Still NTA. What your husband said at the end was manipulative. HE is the one failing her. Not you. He needs to get her therapy asap. Have him call his pediatrician and get a referral.
I highly suggest marriage counseling if you want to save this marriage. Tell him if counseling doesn’t happen for her or you guys, you’re done. Stop promising her you won’t leave. That’s unfair to YOU!! He needs to get his head of his ass and be a father. If he can’t do that, you don’t need him as a husband.
It might be a good idea to recommend grief specific therapy to your husband external to the school – it varies depending on location but most school councillors are not equipped to deal with anything beyond basic stress.
Emma is lucky to have someone like you vouching for her – I hope she’s able to get the help she needs soon 🥺
you can find her a therapist through his health insurance or her pediatrician, or the office at the school may already be open and you can try calling for a referral. there may be reason for her to not go to grandparents, it is a conversation to have with therapist. and her dad needs to get that she is really in need of help with her level of abandonment issues. Husband needs to see that he cannot make wife feel trapped in the relationship for the daughter’s sake.
Updateme
Y’all need to address her violence before the police and CPS addresses it for you, and then she’ll really melt down when she’s taken away
Please insist the school call her father when she acts up, not you. given the clingyness, she will continue to abuse other children to get you to appear when she wants you there if it works as a tactic.
Updateme. Just in case.
Until this is resolved with a therapist, I think you need to separate. He absolutely should be the one handling this not dumping it on you.
I wouldn’t even stay married to this guy. What the hell will she do if you get pregnant?! And she realizes that she’ll have a baby to split attention with.
Nope nope nope.
He needs to gets her help or she’ll be on the news or in juvy after she gets a little older.
NTA
I hope therapy happens sooner than later. There is more going on here than just separation anxiety or trauma from making her mom. The needles in the door lock thing is a very thought out solution to something she viewed as a problem (you locking doors) as well as telling her grandma she wished she would die.
I would not want to deal with any of this myself. I feel sorry for the little girl, but there is more going on here and the resistance of the dad to get her help makes me extra wary.