For backstory, really quick, I (31F) don’t have a relationship with my family (father, mother, sister and two brothers). It all blew up last summer when my brother (29M), we’ll call him Brad, and his soon-to-be ex-wife (30F), call her Angela, separated and are going through a nasty divorce. Through this time, I’ve learned he was abusive (physical and verbally) towards her (seen the evidence to back up her claim) and cut contact with my family for supporting him. Because in their mind, “blood over everything,” and in their minds, he hasn’t done anything wrong. It wasn’t until I went to therapy that I learned my parents were emotionally immature and I was the black sheep/family punching bag. I’ve blocked them on all platforms and am going through a much-needed healing journey.
Anyways, back to the story. So Brad and Angela share a daughter, let’s call her Francine (4F), and from what I know, Angela has mostly physical custody and majority legal custody. Anyways, my other brother, we’ll call him Rob (M24), who I have a pretty good relationship with and is the only person I talk to in my family, texted me a week ago and asked if I wanted to attend family pictures on Wednesday. I told him no, that if I saw my brother Brad (Brad has come to my house to yell at me, called my work to try and get fired, and filed a complaint with the state’s licensing division against my boss for my supposed actions in supporting his wife, confusing I know) it wouldn’t be pretty. He understood and said that was okay.
I was feeling pretty bummed after the exchange, so I called Angela to vent. Ever since she separated, we’ve spent hours talking and bonding over our shared experiences and now have this super close relationship better than while she was married to Brad. When I told her what happened, she made me feel better by saying how weird it was that my family is still taking family pictures even without me, my daughters (9F and 3F), and husband (35M). We laughed, and I said we should give Francine a blue sucker before pictures so she has blue all over her face. We exchanged other pleasantries hung up.
Later that day, she texted me and said, “Hair dye for next week.” I knew immediately what she was talking about and said, “Let’s do it!” FYI, my mom hates unnatural-colored hair. She sent me some hair dyes, but I told her I would order the hair dyes from Amazon, and we should also do blue (she just wanted to do pink, but I convinced her to do blue because, well, I knew blue would last longer). So I ordered the strongest, most potent semi-temporary hair dyes on the market.
Angela told me she wanted to make it a cousin’s day with my girls, and I said, “Sure!” I told her my oldest would love to have her hair dyed as well, as she has been dying to have it done for a long time and would love to have blue in her hair. She sent me a hair color idea, and I told her let’s put a few highlight/peek-a-boo highlights in and not do her whole head or go more extremely, as she was almost planning on doing.
So yesterday, they came over, and we put a bunch of pink and blue highlights in her hair. I made sure to get her baby hairs in front so if they pulled her hair back, you could still see color. Once completed, my niece loved it! She thought she was a mermaid, and honestly, the look on her face made it worth it! We did a few in my oldest daughter’s hair as well, but not as extreme because I don’t know the school’s policy on hair color and seriously had a blast!
This morning, my sister-in-law posted a picture of her daughter’s hair, and my brother was not happy. He demanded that he be told whether it was permanent and that they had family pictures coming up and would prefer her hair not be pink and blue. Also, that he be asked beforehand. My sister-in-law feels a little guilty and I told her not too but now I’m doubting myself a little bit so am I the asshole?
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Backup of the post’s body: For backstory, really quick, I (31F) don’t have a relationship with my family (father, mother, sister and two brothers). It all blew up last summer when my brother (29M), we’ll call him Brad, and his soon-to-be ex-wife (30F), call her Angela, separated and are going through a nasty divorce. Through this time, I’ve learned he was abusive (physical and verbally) towards her (seen the evidence to back up her claim) and cut contact with my family for supporting him. Because in their mind, “blood over everything,” and in their minds, he hasn’t done anything wrong. It wasn’t until I went to therapy that I learned my parents were emotionally immature and I was the black sheep/family punching bag. I’ve blocked them on all platforms and am going through a much-needed healing journey.
Anyways, back to the story. So Brad and Angela share a daughter, let’s call her Francine (4F), and from what I know, Angela has mostly physical custody and majority legal custody. Anyways, my other brother, we’ll call him Rob (M24), who I have a pretty good relationship with and is the only person I talk to in my family, texted me a week ago and asked if I wanted to attend family pictures on Wednesday. I told him no, that if I saw my brother Brad (Brad has come to my house to yell at me, called my work to try and get fired, and filed a complaint with the state’s licensing division against my boss for my supposed actions in supporting his wife, confusing I know) it wouldn’t be pretty. He understood and said that was okay.
I was feeling pretty bummed after the exchange, so I called Angela to vent. Ever since she separated, we’ve spent hours talking and bonding over our shared experiences and now have this super close relationship better than while she was married to Brad. When I told her what happened, she made me feel better by saying how weird it was that my family is still taking family pictures even without me, my daughters (9F and 3F), and husband (35M). We laughed, and I said we should give Francine a blue sucker before pictures so she has blue all over her face. We exchanged other pleasantries hung up.
Later that day, she texted me and said, “Hair dye for next week.” I knew immediately what she was talking about and said, “Let’s do it!” FYI, my mom hates unnatural-colored hair. She sent me some hair dyes, but I told her I would order the hair dyes from Amazon, and we should also do blue (she just wanted to do pink, but I convinced her to do blue because, well, I knew blue would last longer). So I ordered the strongest, most potent semi-temporary hair dyes on the market.
Angela told me she wanted to make it a cousin’s day with my girls, and I said, “Sure!” I told her my oldest would love to have her hair dyed as well, as she has been dying to have it done for a long time and would love to have blue in her hair. She sent me a hair color idea, and I told her let’s put a few highlight/peek-a-boo highlights in and not do her whole head or go more extremely, as she was almost planning on doing.
So yesterday, they came over, and we put a bunch of pink and blue highlights in her hair. I made sure to get her baby hairs in front so if they pulled her hair back, you could still see color. Once completed, my niece loved it! She thought she was a mermaid, and honestly, the look on her face made it worth it! We did a few in my oldest daughter’s hair as well, but not as extreme because I don’t know the school’s policy on hair color and seriously had a blast!
This morning, my sister-in-law posted a picture of her daughter’s hair, and my brother was not happy. He demanded that he be told whether it was permanent and that they had family pictures coming up and would prefer her hair not be pink and blue. Also, that he be asked beforehand. My sister-in-law feels a little guilty and I told her not too but now I’m doubting myself a little bit so am I the asshole?
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Don’t think I’d worry abt being an AH but idk if y’all considered whatever your family may say to your niece, how they might treat her abt the hair? That would be my main concern in this situation, esp given her age/inability to speak up for herself and the lack of any supportive people around her when they freak out.
As far as I’m concerned abusive exes can get bent. Who cares if he’s unhappy? You had her mom’s consent and your niece is happy. That’s good enough.
HA! NTA that’s fantastic. I would say maybe be careful given how he’s quite a nasty person and that may be the only concern in doing things like this in the future.
YTA. It does seem like a pretty intentional decision to try and “mess up” your families photo’s with the added bonus of making your niece happy. I’m absolutely fine with dying hair but it should be because your niece wants to and nothing else. Please do not encourage the use of children as a weapon, it can lead to unintentional negative feelings towards the child by your family, creating artificial distance between people they still love.
You guys could have chosen to have your own photos but you sought-after to “mess up” theirs.
>from what I know, Angela has mostly physical custody
While hair color of a child is not always a matter that the courts care about, if they do, it’s usually the parent who has primary physical custody that gets final say in minor decisions like these. You’re going to be an asshole in Brad’s eyes, but that doesn’t sound new based on your relationship.