is cheating on her* – sorry, cannot edit
My niece is 13 years old, my brother is 35 and my sister in law is 55. Obviously she is doing very well financially and he lives in her shadow. He was often unfaithful, hookups, flings, tinder and I never covered for him. He did all this while throwing her money all around.
I didn’t talk with him about it. He is not happy but I am not willing to listen to him. I have my own family, a husband, my kids and I do not support his cheating. She is not a pleasent woman, I try to avoid her as much as I can. She looks down on me, my siblings, my parents. A very toxic person.
She has acces to his emails, social media, medical records, phone. My son is still young, just 7 years old but she doesn’t want her daughter to be around her first grade cousin.
My brother and her fight a lot and my niece spends the night at her grandma if it gets ugly. Maternal grandma.
My brother is close with his daughter and she told me some while ago that she knows dad is having “a relationship” with a woman. This woman she talked about is a his high school girlfriend. He loved her very much. I try to not get involved in their mess, but I love my niece a lot and she is an amazing child and suffers. My brother cried in front of her that he loves that other woman, that he is unhappy with his wife and my niece kind of feels its her responsibility to take care of her father.
What to do? My niece begged me to not tell him because he will know I know from her. She believes her father is a victim of her mother and she can do something. She cannot. But what cand I do? I talked to her but I think professional help is needed here. She is getting more and more aware something is very unusual in her family, especially the huge age gap.
Comments
Probably NTA. I can understand you hated your sister-in-law. I probably would want nothing to do with people I hate too
This is such a heartbreaking situation, especially for your niece. You’re right she’s carrying way too much emotional weight for a 13-year-old. It’s clear you care deeply about her, and that matters so much. I think you’re spot on that she needs professional support a therapist could really help her process all of this in a safe way. You may not be able to fix the adults’ mess, but being a stable, kind presence for her can make a world of difference.
nta you’re not the ass hole, but your brother is a huge leech and your sister in law is a monster for manipulating a child into thinking shes responsible for her deadbeat dad.
Whether or not you like your SIL, your niece is going to be the one hurt the most by this mess. She’s already in the role of emotional caretaker to her dad, which is not healthy for a 13-year-old. Keep your distance from their marital drama but stay close to her.
So brother was 22 and SIL 42 when niece was born? Such an age gap when one is so young really doesn’t feel right. Was the brother even an adult when the relationship started out? Or was he used sexually and baby trapped?
Edit: fixed typo
Why doesn‘t he divorce his wife ? He loves his daughter so much that he is willing to dump his feelings for his affair partner on her rather than be the adult. I would be mad at him for not putting his daughter first
It’s time to either tell your brother to leave his wife or send a letter to SIL anonymously – only to break the toxic household so niece can be a kid. She shouldn’t be taking on the burden of being her father’s confidant.
Your niece has two horrible parents, it’s a good thing she also has you.
NTA for not telling your SIL, but I hope you can somehow confront your shitty sibling about how he is using his daughter as an emotional crutch. Poor kid
Bless that child. This isn’t your mess so you’re NTA but the child being the emotional support system for adults is problem. She already thinks it’s her job to take care of her father and she will blame herself for not doing it “correctly”. Solely for her sake, try to see if you can help her… not them. Eff them and their drama. But children aren’t there to be a support system. The rest of her life she won’t put herself first if it continues 🫤
What a horrible situation for a girl who is only 13 years old.
You have every right not to want to be involved in a situation like this, but do not leave the child alone, she needs a lot of help and a way to vent, at that age the feelings are so strong that she may end up having resentments that will only harm her as she grows up.
The only thing you can do is being there for your niece.
No, you don’t need to tell your brother or his wife whatever you know. But you do need to be the sweet and caring aunt that the girl can always comes to. She needs a good adult in her life and neither of her parents are that.
NTA. My BIL is with someone 20 years his senior, but thankfully they don’t have kids together (she has one from her first marriage). Unfortunately he wants to marry her so bad but she doesn’t want to give up that alimony money. We’ve tried explaining if she loved him that $300/month wouldn’t be enough to not make him happy, but he’s still blinded. They got together when my BIL was 19 the first couple of hookups then after her divorce he was 22/23 and they’ve been together for 10 years now. Grosses us out so bad.
Your brother was 22 when his niece was born. If it was a 42-year-old male and a 22-year-old female, there would be a different story. OP understands, but some commenters don’t seem to.
The issue here is that your niece told you something is not right and that indicates that she’s taking on more responsibility mentally and emotionally than she should be and that she can handle at her young age. She needs counselling and help, and she told you, a trusted adult, that she needs help.
If you told her that you would not tell, then you cannot tell until you talk to her again and tell her that you need to tell.
And then you need to have a conversation with your brother about getting his daughter, your niece into counselling.
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