When I was young, my father was not a strict parent, he was simply cruel. He never hit me, but his words were daggers that cut me to pieces. Each small failure brought out the “you are useless” and each poor mark became the “you will never amount to anything.” He made fun of my weight, my friends, the way I laughed and in case I cried, I would hear things like stop being a baby or you are pathetic. By the time I turned 18, I had no self-esteem, basically. I lost touch a few years, re-made myself in therapy, and eventually married, had a family, and emerged on the other side.
Skip ahead to last month: my dad, out of the blue, called and asked to see his grandbabies. I said to him, Look, I am willing to rekindle a relationship, but you have to first of all tell me how you treated me and say you are sorry. He went nuts, claiming that I was re-writing history and holding a grudge. Then the entire family joined in the pile-on- my aunts, uncles and even my mom began to refer to me as cold-hearted: He is old, he will never change and that I am punishing him.
I do not want my children to believe that such an attitude is acceptable. Unless he is able to confess what he did, I cannot have him around them. I am the bad guy now, but somewhere deep inside I feel like I am finally breaking the cycle.
Comments
I feel like you know the answer to this question and you just want to vent?
That’s fine, proud of you for sticking up for yourself. If your dad is putting his need to see the kids above your needs he’s just proving he hasn’t changed.
People keep saying “he’s old, he’ll never change” as if that’s a reason to excuse bad behavior. If anything, being older should make him more aware of how precious relationships are not less. Age isn’t a free pass to avoid accountability.
>He is old, he will never change
OP: and that’s exactly why he won’t be meeting my kids!
If he is old and will never change, then you also don’t have any obligation to reward his cruelty and his lack of willingness to correct his wrongs
NTA.
There is nothing like having kids to bring your own childhood roaring back.
Your father’s response to your request proves he is the same old abuser you had to deal with when you were a kid. But now you’re an adult who has the ability to save yourself and your kids from his mistreatment. You’re a good mom with the strength to not bow to his abusive personality. You’re doing the best thing.
Great job! He doesn’t deserve to know YOUR CHILDREN.
NTA. It’s your life, your children, your decision.
nta you are totally right tell him your children dont deserve to be exposed to abusive people send him your therapy bills maybe get your therapist to write you a diagnosis to give to him
tell the family on his side that you willl block them too because they are enabbling his abuse
NTA, it’s not over… Do not listen to them. You deserve better your kids deserve better, etc. Tell anyone who says it’s in the past that ur still carrying that weight today, so no, it’s not in the past.
Didn’t we just see this but with a mother and daughter?
Yes UATAH. Grandfather here. It’s not him that concerns me, it’s YOUR kids being denied the right to meet and know their grandfather. Do it in a controlled environment and set boundaries but don’t deny them that right or one day in the future they’ll have justification to deny you the right to see your grandkids.
NTA. I would let the relatives know that you are not interested in their opinion on this and not to bring it up. You still deal with the trauma he caused, and will not expose your children to this. They have the right to their own feelings and you have the right to keep your peace.
This is on you. If you’ve been therapied, and everything is good, either see the man or not. Dear God. How the hell long have you been lying in wait for an apology from an old man who most likely doesn’t give a rats behind either way?
Don’t let him around your kids if you can’t trust him to not behave that way in front of them.
Being old is not an excuse for being an a-hole in the past or now. Stay strong!
If he’ll never change, then he’ll never get to see his grandkids. Oh well.
There’s no arguing with a Narcissist, just more fuel to hoover from one way or the other. Why ever expect an apology? If you get one it’s only going to be for his own ends, not yours
Ultimately the decision is yours but as a heads up, he’s already incorporated the rest of the family in the pile on already, just think what it’s going to be like later. You may get better insight from Raised by Narcissist here on Reddit https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/Grey Rocking at worst, No Contact at best for your own mental health
Let him die without seeing his grand children.
NTA and when your mom and aunt get on their soap box just laugh. Agree. Say you are in fact punishing him and maybe you need to find something for them too.
Or your dad could be a grown up and say sorry.
Im sorry we all know what’s more likely.
NTA- Why would you want to put your precious kids in the vicinity of a cruel, old man? You’re not petty. You’re a loving, supportive parent who prioritizes the well-being of his kids. Something your father and his enabling partner, your mom, never learned to do.
Tell your family that unlike your father, you love your kids. And you will not subject them to the abuse that your father likes dish out. And being old is no excuse for abusing children. But they are free to send their children or grandchildren to see him to see how that goes.
‘He will never change’ is the ABSOLUTE REASON for him to never meet your kids!!!
I tried this and my mom told me I had false memories.