when I was 12 I met a guy that was age 19/20, and basically long story short, he groomed me over several weeks and took my virginity from me. when my mom found out, she picked up the phone and told his father who he lived with that his 20 year old son was knowingly having sex with a minor. His dad immediately packed them up and split town to avoid the law because my mom was prepared to press charges on him.
I was able to remember his full name over the years because it was unique spelling, and at some point for some reason I decided to try and look up his name up on facebook, just to see if he would pop up. he did. I recognized him 100%. and he was the next state over the entire time.
I didnt really do anything about it, it was in my 20’s when I initially looked him up on facebook.
well fast forward like 10ish years, and I’m in my mid 30’s and dealing with a lot of childhood traumas unshelling themselves unto me after I went thru some therapy. I basically came to realize just how much sex abuse I endured as a kid. That alone retraumatized me I feel like.
So, after sitting here for the last few months coming to terms with what really happened to me, I started thinking about him, and how much that event alone really messed me up in a lot of ways looking back. What he did was so wrong, I was a baby teen, barely even started my period, and he was almost old enough to be allowed in clubs/bars. he had zero buisness pursuing me whatsoever, regardless if I was seemingly consenting. I was a minor and he was well-aware. and he basically wiped me clean from his life and moved on while I was left with the trauma.
AITAH to want to contact his two sisters that I found on his facebook, and tell them about what happened to me? Wouldn’t someone want to know that their brother did something like that, and with how brazen he was about it with me, the likelihood that it wasnt the first time or the last time just makes me feel like I need to tell them what happened. And yes I’m fully aware that I could encounter them not believing me whatsoever. I’m prepared for that… just want to know, AITAH to want to contact them?
Comments
NTA
He’s a predator who hurt a child. His family deserves to know the truth.
Yes tell them. And if he ever gets married, i’d tell her too.
NTA but a better alternative might be to contact the police.
NTA but will they even believe you at this point? Idk if I would like why you waiting until now?
Yes it will do no good to contact them, they will not believe you. I’m glad they you’re healing but more rejection will not help. You would be the AH if you contact them online.
NTA for telling your life story to everyone and anyone who will listen, because you have every right to be heard.
One small thing: I wouldn’t necessarily say that he took your virginity. That’s a reference to the first time that you have sex. What he did, repeatedly, was sexually assault you, rape you, whatever else, and that’s all about power by a truly awful person. It’s similar to sex as an action, but sex is when you’re willing and give consent, which makes it different.
Something tells me that his sisters won’t be surprised..
NTA. I would also inform the police, make sure you have some solid supports in place as well. They may not be able to pursue your case but it might be the nail in his coffin because chances are he’s been ruining peoples lives for a long time.
I’d run this past an attorney first to see if it can get you in trouble. Better safe than sorry.
NTA.
People like that need to burn in the deepest parts of hell. But until then, everyone they know and interact with should know what kind of monster they are.
No, and anyone like that deserves any kind of ‘backlash’ that they get. The nothing I would caution is if there are any kind of ‘libel’ issues that could come back on you about it. Hopefully there isn’t, so if what you are saying is true, he deserves to have his life fucked (no pun intended) over.
NTA. Contact an attorney instead. Many states are enacting laws that temporarily or permanently roll back the statute of limitations for sex crimes to allow victims who were afraid to come forward or didn’t know they could come forward, to do so even decades later.
While telling his sisters may be cathartic for you, what reaction do you want from them? They may say “yeah, we know. You aren’t the only one but we still support our brother.” What evidence do you have? They may refuse to believe you and attack you in return.
NTA but I don’t think you would achieve anything positive by contacting his family. If you want people to know about it, report it to the police. Reaching out like that will just give his family, and potentially him, a way to contact you and make your life miserable all over again.
Unless you have proof to get him locked up whats the use? Let karma do its thing and focus on healing.
Why in the hell did your mom call his dad instead of the police?!? Your mom should also be in jail for aiding and abetting a pedophile or accessory after the fact since she knew and didn’t report it ???
It’s truly horrible that he did this to you.
As far as his sisters go, what’s the point? They either know he’s a creep or won’t believe you.
Try to press charges now or get some more therapy and try to move on.
Nta, if that will help you heal, do it, but really consider if that’s a can of worms that will lead to healing or just rehashing old wounds. Sometimes it’s best to leave the past behind.
YTA. It’s in the past. You need to deal with your own issues. The world will deal his. If one of his victims needs you to stand with them, then do so. But, to go forward is to seek revenge. Dig two graves.
I *think* (please correct me if I am wrong) that there is no statute of limitations on rape of a minor. This was statutory rape. I believe you are still able to press charges if you wish to do so.
You were sexually assaulted by this man and it has affected your whole life since. People who have not had serious trauma as a child have trouble understanding how this affects your personality growth, how you see yourself, how much you trust others, even how you portray yourself to others. Its not just a thing that happened that you have to get over, its how it shaped every part of yourself since. It changed you for the rest of your life, you never got to develop normal trusting relationships, never got to have the normal teen feelings that weren’t tainted, and never got to be the person you could have been. I’m sure its even impacted your relationship with your parents, how they’ve treated you since, and how they view you as a person.
What he did will impact your whole life in various ways Given all this, why shouldn’t what he did impact his life too? He abused you leaving you with life long trauma, he shouldn’t get to just have a normal life. He should be ashamed, he should have to tell his partners, he should be watched around other children and he should be shunned. He didn’t just make a mistake. He sexually assaulted a young kid. He’s probably never even thought how it impacted you. You are allowed to decide how you want to tell your story from here.
Decide how you want to go forward. Consider your options, the last thing you want is legal and social trauma coming back at you. In a perfect world you could announce what he did, he would admit wrong doing, and the world would shun him. He would go to jail and have “pedofile” attached to his name forever. This could happen.
But the other extreme could happen to. His family could stand with him and accuse you of lying. They could attack you as a person on social media, through courts, and even in person. He could deny everything or he could make up a story about you.
Have a think about what you need, and what you can do. Some of us need to shout from the roof tops regardless of consequences, some of us need to fight for other victims and out rapists for our own sense of justice, and some of us need to focus on our own healing and lives. None of these things are wrong. Its your story so you get to decide how, when and if you want to tell it. Putting yourself through more trauma could harm you or strengthen you, only you know what will work for you.
Good luck though, with however you go forward. Mostly look after yourself and do what you need to do to keep going.
NTA
Honestly you should just report him, and his father. His family will find out if he is charged with pedophilia.
You never have to protect a predator. Tell the world
I would say not only NTA, but almost a duty to tell them. Almost, if you want to. They may not believe you. They may believe you and not admit it. I saw in a comment that they lived in an RV and just up and left within a day or two of your mother calling his father. Which might imply (as you already know) that this wasn’t the first – or last – time they had to move because he prayed on children.
Your post indicates that you now he was wrong and did a terrible thing. But you also talk about how you were “seemingly consenting.” I hope you don’t hold any doubt still that you were NOT consenting at all. You were 12. Even if you chased him around and grabbed him and initiated everything – HE WOULD STILL BE THE ONE AT FAULT. Not you.
If they don’t know, then you might save some other child, like one of his nieces, or a cousin, etc. Like maybe they don’t KNOW, but suspected, but not enough to keep other children away from him. This could give them the impetuous to make sure he doesn’t get the chance to hurt others.
And if it will help you, after what he did to you, then that’s a pretty good reason, too.
NTA. Tell them. Tell anyone you want who will listen. But please tell a therapist if you haven’t yet. You can do a lot of amazing work progressing on your own, but speaking to someone else that is trained to help on these topics will benefit you.
I’m sorry that happened to you. I was your age when someone began grooming me, too. You didn’t know better and you absolutely can and should pursue telling others, imo. However, it would be a good idea to also to seek legal advice on what can be done. Even just notifying police. It was an old crime but chances are he is still an unknown predator to them.
Take precaution if you go forward with telling, is why I bring up the legal advisement portion. You never know how people will try and retaliate, whether they believe you or deny it.
Be well, OP.
Nta. Idk what you’d achieve by telling them but if you need to do it to heal do it. If you think there is any chance if they dont believe you or will belittle you or blame you etc and that will hurt your healing dont do it. You just need to be aware of the full picture and decide what you stand to gain vs what you stand to lose. If you dont care what they say and it’ll help you? 100% tell them. Your healing matters. Your trauma matters. Your story matters. But if there is any chance it’ll hurt more then help id contact the police instead of the family.
Im so so sorry for what you went through. And what youre going through now. Just think of every side and while I wish women were just believed.. as one survivor to another we know they aren’t. Just be sure you can keep surviving if the response isnt what you may hope for. Keep going. Keep fighting. Keep healing. No matter what you decide to do I hope you find your peace.
Please be sure you could handle their believing you, but saying things like – That was decades ago! You were both so young! (Sickening, I know) – in other words, they very well may try to dismiss your pain. I’m not saying you shouldn’t tell them! But I feel protective of you, I hear you’re hurting very badly. If you do choose to make contact, you can decide beforehand whether you wish to identify yourself, and accept their response might be enraging, or remain anonymous to avoid having to listen to any potentially hurtful, garbage excuses. In either case, I’m so sorry this happened to you, and hope you’re getting therapeutic support. You’re worth it. Sending hugs.
Firstly, what happened to you wasn’t sex. It was rape. Secondly, what happened to you wasn’t your fault.
They ran away to protect their son when your mother called, which means they will still protect themselves and their son. They don’t care. People like that don’t just change, unfortunately.
I encourage you to talk to your therapist about your feelings of wanting to contact his family if you haven’t already done so.
Maybe even write down what you want to say to him and his family if you are to contact them and then read it out loud to see what it sounds like.
Now, back to how they ran away. If you’re looking for an apology, chances are you’re never going to get it, because that means they’ve lost the game they’ve decided to play and start and that means they all admit to what was done.
If you are successful in contacting them, guard yourself and always be prepared for whatever response/anseer you will receive. Please take time to learn how to cope with this trauma and ask your therapist if you haven’t already; about cognitive therapy and how to practice radical acceptance, as hurtful as that sounds.
Good luck to you in your time of healing.