A couple of years back, I made friends with a new co-worker, she was pretty cool. Now, my gf at first did not have a problem with this. But she got uncomfortable with how much time my new friend and I spent on gaming. Admittedly, it was a bit much. My gf did straight up and told me she would not continue this if I continue this friendship. Honestly, looking back, i kind of regret it, but whatever.
Recently, my gf met a new guy friend. And this friendship has made me uncomfortable. They don’t hang alone as far as I know, but they do drink together, which makes me uncomfortable.
So I told my gf this and she tried to reassure me, but this didn’t change my feelings. I did bring up what she told me years ago and my old female friend. She told me she was very sorry for what she did. She told me that our relationship was still pretty new and that she didn’t fully trust me back then. She told me that if this happened today, she wouldn’t have asked me to cut off this friendship. FYI, I couldn’t get in touch with my old co-worker even if I tried, so that friendship is gone forever.
I told my gf fine. But regardless, if she wants me to stick around, she needs to cut off that friendship. I told her it’s extremely messed up for her to claim she had changed her mind when she had to make a sacrifice. I told her I wanted to believe her, but she had to prove to me that she’s not just saying this just because.
She did agree to this half-heartedly.
Idk, I’d have never given her an ultimatum like this, and it felt wrong tbh.
Comments
Definitely not the asshole, if you had to give up a friendship with a coworker and just played games together, she should give up the friendship with the male she’s drinking with even if it is in public
Shes into him and doesnt want to lose you yet because she’s not ready to monkey branch. Wait a month and I bet she leaves you immediately for this dude
Come on man you know you’re just the cash cow
NTA. Her changing her mind based on time having passed (and which she is totally lying about btw) is irrelevant.
At its heart, she was uncomfortable with something and you cut that friendship to ease her feelings. You are now uncomfortable with something (that is a current, active, and real fact regardless of her stance), and its time for her to reciprocate the respect for your feelings or leave.
NTA her plan is to monkey branch onto this new guy and leave you, without spending even 24hrs single
Nope. If you had to cut off an opposite-sex friend when she asked, you had every right to ask her to do the same.
NTA.
Can’t have the rules for thee but not for me.
Anyways – hope it all works out.
NTA. You did not make the rule. You’re just asking her to follow what she started
I mean, honestly ESH. Both of you did the same thing and neither of you will be able to have different gendered friends. Hope it’s fun.
Esh. Sounds like an awesome relationship. You deserve each other.
YTA. You’re describing a very intimate one on one relationship, so likely she felt the beginnings of an emotional affair happening. Here, your issue seems to be that she drinks with him in group settings, because you said they don’t do one on one. So you’re petty and jealous.
NTA. And going out for drinks is an order of magnitude more than gaming. Oh, she’s just going to see him behind your back. In case you wondered.
ESH
You know that expression, “two wrongs don’t make a right”? This is what it’s for.
Your girlfriend sucks for letting her jealousy and insecurity cost you a friendship. She sucks for the ultimatum. But you suck for demanding your petty pound of flesh years later when she’s realized her mistake. It’s not that you think it’s right, that it’s healthy, but rather that you’re due, that she owes you.
She was wrong in the past and as such you’re entitled to the same privilege, even though you both know its wrong, now.
That’s… pretty toxic, bud.
Reddit will regularly validate people who pretend isolating their partner and restricting their friend-options is “a boundary” and not “controlling douchebaggery”. Those people are wrong. This shit comes from insecurity, or in this case, pure and simple pettiness.
No one demanding their pound of flesh is ever really in the right. That’s… the whole point of that story, actually. That’s the moral.
NTA, and if you think this guy is just a “friend”, I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you
Honestly a little bit YTA, mainly because it sounds like you mainly did it as ‘tit for tat’. Deep down maybe you resent her a bit for making you break off that friendship, so you are getting ‘revenge’.
Saying that though, it is a little dependent in some ways, like you say she doesn’t hang out with the guy alone so is it part of an existing friend group? What is the dynamic there, and why does that specifically make you uncomfortable?
You are the asshole.
If the situation you are referring to was in fact, when your relationship was brand new, this is normal behavior for insecure women in a new relationship. Most women would feel insecure if there new partner was spending a lot of time with a girl online. That’s not unheard of or uncommon. The fact that she apologized and admitted she was wrong says alot on her behalf.
However, bringing up the past to use against her when you’re facing your own insecurities isn’t the best way to go about it. If you knew it was wrong back then when she gave you the ultimatum, then you know it’s wrong to do the same to her now.
Collaboration rather than competition in relationships goes a lot further.
If you’re still in your feelings about having to cut off your coworker however many years ago, maybe you were more than friends? 🤔 maybe her intuition wasn’t off after all?
Is this about you taking her down a peg, or is it because you are genuinely concerned and insecure about her new relationship?
If it is the latter, just talk to her and be honest.
If your just being petty, yeah, your the AH. 💯
I wouldn’t take advice from incels on reddit if you actually value your relationship and partner.
Do as I say and not as I do
NTA
What is good for you is good for her.
YTA. you regret cutting off a friendship for her, so you want to punish her for what was ultimately your decision by making her cut off a friend. does it actually make you uncomfortable or does it just remind you of her telling you she would break up with you if your friendship continued (which is different than “i will leave if you don’t cut off this friendship” because one is a boundary and one is a command/ultimatum)? you “believe” she has grown and changed to where she wouldn’t be bothered by something like that now, but you want her to “prove” herself? you either dont trust her or you resent her and you should try working on that rather than trying to get even.
ETA: if the rest of yall could please take out your issues somewhere other than the replies to my comment that would be great. for the simpletons:
“i will leave if you continue this friendship” is explaining what a person will do if x continues. this is a boundary. “i think this friendship is inappropriate so i am going to remove myself if it continues”. a boundary. it’s about what the person laying the boundary will do if x happens.
“i will leave if you don’t cut off this friendship” is an ultimatum because it’s demanding a specific action from the other person under the threat of breaking up.
unless OP left out the part where his gf asked him to stop being friends with his coworker, his gf told him what she would do and he ultimately made the choice to stop being friends with his coworker.
She’ll be careful next time you make sure you won’t know when she’s with her. If he likes the guy so much that has to half heatedly do things then it’s already done. It’s just a matter of time.
quid pro quo toxicity automatically makes you the asshole, even if its somewhat justified.
toxic patterns build upon eachother.
Try speaking like adults, and if either party can’t – don’t waste any more of eachothers time.
Why are so many couples controlling who their partner can be friends with? If you don’t trust your partner, find a new one or be alone. Relationships shouldn’t include authority over each other. ESH.
Are you feeling bad because you had to bring up this past thing or do you truly feel uncomfortable with her friendship with this person and feel bad that the trust is being affected?
“Nooooo this time it’s different!”
GTFOH 🤣
Rules for thee but not for me.
Stay on your toes brother. If she’s willing to break a relationship rule that she created she’s getting more than friendship tingles from this guy.
I give it a week before she goes out for drinks and “surprisingly” ran into him at a bar and it would have been rude not to have a drink with him
She agreed “half-heartedly”, I’m a firm believer in radical enthusiasm, I’d be looking for her replacement today.
what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.
If this was truly done because the relationship made you uncomfortable then NTA, but you need to be more concerned with why it made you uncomfortable. If you did it out of spite because she did the same to you, then YTA
The key issue here, is that her relationship with this guy makes you feel uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter that she asked you to to stop being friends with this other woman, or that you have an expectation of a quid pro quo. So, even if she didn’t ask you to cut off that prior friendship, if her current friendship is making you feel uncomfortable, you can ask her to cut off the friend.
If you are fine with her relationship, but are just looking for a quid pro quo, that is a different story.
You’re not the asshole for feeling hurt about the double standard, but I think you might be going about this the wrong way.
Your girlfriend was wrong to make you cut off your friendship years ago, and you have every right to feel frustrated that she’s now claiming she’s “changed” when it conveniently benefits her. That does feel hypocritical, and your hurt about losing that friendship forever is completely valid.
But here’s the thing – giving her the same ultimatum you resented doesn’t actually fix anything. It just perpetuates the same controlling dynamic that hurt you in the first place. Two wrongs don’t make a right, and deep down you know this since you said it “felt wrong.”
The real issue isn’t about her specific friendship – it’s about trust, communication, and having consistent standards in your relationship. Making her cut off this friend “to prove” she’s changed doesn’t actually prove anything except that she’ll comply under pressure, just like you did.
A healthier approach would be to focus on the actual behaviors that make you uncomfortable (like the drinking together) and work on building better communication and trust. If you can’t trust each other to have opposite-sex friendships without ultimatums, that’s a bigger relationship problem that won’t be solved by controlling who you’re each allowed to be friends with.
Consider whether you want a relationship based on mutual trust and respect, or one where you both police each other’s friendships. The fact that she agreed “half-heartedly” shows this isn’t really resolving the underlying issues – it’s just creating resentment on both sides.
I’m amazed that the people saying ESH are getting down voted. That said, ESH. Your partner is within their right to voice concern about relationships you have with others, but ultimatums breed contempt. If your partner is doing something that makes you uncomfortable, discuss it with them, allow them to explain their point of view, and then make a decision to continue or end your relationship. Controlling someone’s life because their choice in friends is off-putting isn’t romantic or reasonable. It’s controlling. Full stop.
Lol. This isnt going to last and you know it.
Something ugly is taking roots inside both of you.
This relationship is dead already.
NTA. None of this “rules for me and not for thee” crap. Yeah there may be an argument that the relationship is in a different place, but personally I’d say in this case that’s a deflection given she’s out drinking with him, which is much more intimate than gaming (… usually, lol).
Maybe she’s cranky because she refuses to admit she was wrong. Maybe she IS into the guy (and you’ll probably know that soon if she’s trying to monkey branch). We probably can’t tell you which with any degree of accuracy. Though none of them are a good look, reasoning will decide if this is a relationship killer or not.
But I would have zero tolerance for this hypocrisy.
INFO: do they only see each other in group settings or are they texting/calling/hanging out individually as well? Are you asking her to cut off her whole friend group to avoid seeing this guy? Is her interaction with this guy “excessive” like you said your relationship with your female friend was?
Not the A-hole!!
Good for you that you stood your ground. Besides the reason she gave about duration of relationship is total BS.
ONE HUNDRED PERCENT keep an eye on her. She will try hard to keep this new friendship continued but will keep it hidden from you. Do NOT let her fool you again.
But you’re giving her one now. I understand it’s unfair, but if the only reason youre doing this is not because it’s something you genuinely believe is right to do, not for the sake of consistency considering she’s apologised and regrets it and wouldn’t do it today, then you’re doing it as revenge. Which isn’t a healthy mindset. Either break up or have an honest conversation and move past it.
NTA she wrote the original boundary herself and now you have to enforce it, boundaries aren’t a one way street it’s an agreement for both partners to adhere to.
Have the conversation with her and let her know it’s you or her new friend, anything that’s a protest and not a complete break and block is a sign that this friend is more than just that.
This frees you up to move on and go back to your own friend.
Tell her, “I really regret making the ultimatum, but he is getting in between us. The fact that this is an issue, and you don’t consider my feelings, proves it. I will trust you until I can’t. I want to go the distance with you, but this guy seems to be too important to you, which makes me wonder if I’m enough for you. You need to do what’s best for you, whether it’s to let me go so that you can be with him, or let him go. It’s your decision.”
Be prepared that she picks him
Wait, so basically her excuse is that you’re together long enough to trust each other so now you 2/she’s in a period in which friends of the opposite sex are allowed?
On the other way round, maybe she’s too comfortable in your relationship and pushes boundaries.
Cross sex ”friendships” are inherently suspect.
Nta. Going out drinking together is much more then gaming together. One has a much greater chance of being more simple due to lower inhibitions.
Honestly you should of dumped her then and there.
Btw he was one of her backups.
NTA. But I will say “per say” on this one. First off, insecurity is not an excuse to ruin your friendships. She has the right to set boundaries, and you have the right to accept or reject of those are compatible with the relationship you want. Even if they are, at their core, immature or selfish.
With that said, if you are doing this just to “test” her, there’s really no point in the long term. Doing so over time will also put you in the AH category.
People shouldn’t have to tell their partners they are uncomfortable with their friends. If they truly wanted a long term commitment then why make new friends of the opposite sex. Now I’m not one of those who says you can’t have friends like that but it’s indicative of something lacking in your relationship.
NTA but she’s just going to hide it.
NTA – she set a boundary that you respected & doesn’t want to respect the same boundary you set. If she continues to chill with buddy – she doesn’t respect you and that’s all you need to know about how this relationship is going to be in the future.
Now if you’re on some juvenile tit-for-tat bullshit and really just set that because of her boundary- then you’re both a couple of A-holes and the relationship won’t last because that’s just a breading ground for resentment.
YTA for sure, and the fact that reddit says otherwise just reinforces my belief.
Situations change. People change. It’s been years, and it sounds like she regrets what she did. And your argument is ‘I’m gonna do something that I think is wrong, and that she also thinks is wrong, just because she also did it once in the past, many years ago’.
Part of being confident and secure is being able to be the bigger man, forgive your partner for having done a shitty thing back then, let it go, and don’t do the shitty thing.
Also, they don’t meet alone, so they just hang out with other people and drink, aka the most normal thing in the world to do when you go out? And you’re jealous of just that? Maybe there’s some deeper issue, idk?
NTA. Classic situation of “rules for thee but not for me”
No. You have chosen not to be a cuck, and that’s rare in this day and age.
Keep an eye on it, she will 100% continue hanging around that dude.
NTA.
She’s applying “Rules for thee, but not for me”.
But that’s not the point. I have to say it because it’s yet another example….
Gentlemen: He is never……ever……. EVER…. “just a friend”.
So she has a double standard. Honestly I wouldn’t trust her after this. I probably would have cut and run after her first ultimatum, but it’s too late for that now. I guess wait and see what happens. Maybe not cut anyone off in the future and talk about what you see for your future together.
She set the precedent in the relationship
Now is the time to sit down with her and explain that while you hate that things have come to this, you did not feel comfortable continuing the relationship with such a double standard hanging over both of you
Tell her if she would like to discuss things and has now matured and changed her mind about you having female friends…then you are open to that conversation
And that moving forward…you would be open to her having guy friends
Just not this one
She leveraged the relationship and cost you a good friendship.
The result of her insecurities getting the better of her is that she had to sacrifice her friendship as well
So there is no going back
You can’t go back and seek out this past friendship and neither can she
But moving forward…you can both be friends with the opposite sex as long as boundaries and respect are maintained.
NTAH
Monogamy is a curse
Nope, it’s fair!
Dump her now she’s cheating getting ready to monkey branch I was in this exact situation left her ass a month later she’s with the guy absolute filth some people don’t give her the chance you will regret this and it will ruin your self esteem for a long time
Y’all both sound annoying with this tit for Tat shit y’all got going on
Nta. Fire meet fire.
I don’t understand all these questions from men here. Bro, have your standards. If she doesn’t want to abide by them, then break up. Simple as that. Women keep men around as an emotional Rolodex. Men don’t want to be “friends.”
Your gf is a hypocrite
Personally, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.