My bf(27) and I(25), got in an argument yesterday and there were some things he said that kind of just left me baffled. And it scared me cause the next day I’ll bring up what he said and he will say “I never said that”. How do you prove someone said something that you know they did but they are so adamant they didn’t or “didn’t say it like that”. It gets so frustrating.
So we were arguing and he’s a Captain in the Air Force, and constantly tells me how important he is at work and his job is important and how all the CGOs (Capt and Lieutenants) need to be extremely close and close knit with one another. Which like okay? But I think there’s a fine line with work and home life.
He has a woman Lieutenant who has disrespected our relationship on multiple occasions. To the point where I had to ask him to speak to her and just tell her “work is work, let’s keep this relationship to work”. This was 2 years ago that he had this conversation with her.
So we were arguing and I kept saying “I get you need to work with her, but why do you insist on being her friend and telling me I need to also hangout with her?” And he goes “have you ever been on a team?” Which felt very condescending to say considering I’ve had many team environment jobs and played team sports growing up.
I said “yes, but it doesn’t mean I was close knit with every single teammate of mine”. I played soccer for my whole childhood and during ages 13-15, I was on a team with many girls who called me racial slurs, so I distanced myself from them and made it known I wasn’t their friend. He told me that because I did that, I had “loose morals”. To me that just seems crazy to say, I somehow have loose morals as a leader because I didn’t condone certain behavior from others?
He constantly uses his work title to get away with doing things that I feel cross the line in a relationship. He tells me I just don’t “understand the military” and I don’t “understand his importance as his work place”. Which is crazy because I do, and I understand he’s important at work and I’ve told him that, but I still think you need to prioritize respecting your partner.
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let me guess, he did ROTC and officer training
NTA
He’s not a keeper. Let his condescending ass go.
https://vawnet.org/material/fact-sheet-domestic-violence-military
His gaslighting (yes that’s exactly what he’s doing by downplaying your concerns about how he’s treating you and straight lying about what he’s said) are abuses and are precursors to physical abuse.
Please keep an eye out and think long and hard about whether you feel safe with this man.
Telling someone they have loose morals for not wanting to be around racists is….wild.
This is called “gaslighting.” Either leave him or spend the rest of your relationship with a recording device in your pocket (which I’ve literally done, by the way…and guess what he said when he heard himself? “Oh well you misunderstood me.” 😂 you can’t win with these types. You’ll drive yourself crazy and nothing will ever be resolved.
As an Air Force vet, I have to say, apparently, he slipped thru the cracks because he sounds too dumb to be in the USAF.
NTA
Your boyfriend is, at best, an idiot – and that’s a generous take since it’s obvious he enjoys manipulating you.
You should stop to consider if this is the kind of relationship you think you should continue.
NTA. I would take your boyfriend’s attitude as a warning sign and a glimpse into the future. If he’s already unwilling to cut ties with someone who clearly insults both your relationship and you—just because “they’re in the military together”—imagine what it’ll be like the day that same kind of disrespect comes from his family. Will he justify it then too, saying he “can’t set boundaries because they’re family”?
If you see this man as part of your future—as a potential husband—then be prepared to deal with this kind of toxic behavior and his passive attitude toward it, always hiding behind vague excuses like work camaraderie or family loyalty.
That said, it might be best to end things now and find someone who truly gives you your place in their life—someone who won’t hesitate to shut down any form of disrespect toward you or your relationship.
He called you immoral for refusing to buddy up with racist jerks? Wow, gaslighting 101. Loose morals? More like loose logic on his part.
And the way he’s always defending that lieutenant who’s been disrespecting your relationship? Sounds like they’re hiding something… and if they actually ARE hooking up, that’d be straight-up fraternization. He’d face way bigger consequences than she would as the higher-ranked individual, so no wonder they’re keeping it quiet.
Either way, this guy is a walking, talking red flag. If he can’t choose you over a coworker and keeps lying about what he says, it’s PAST time to dump him and find someone who actually respects you. NTA.
There are strict rules on not fraternizing between different ranks:
“Fraternization is the concept of improper relationships in the military, which can range from business relationships to friendships to romantic relationships. Such relationships, when occurring between military members of different ranks and positions, are prohibited, as they can undermine the chain of command.”
u/Significant-Tap9506
NTA: he probably started having an affair with her shortly before or shortly after he told you that you need to be friends with her.
NTA, dude sounds like a loser who thinks his job title gives him some sort of importance. Some military people don’t like to realize that their life is completely different than civilian life. Sounds like this dude only wants to bring you down you deserve better girl.
Only a bf! Dump his ass!
Run while you still can. That’s my opinion from reading only until your second sentence. Life is too short to waste it on a gaslighting narcissist. Period.
You don’t have loose morals for being bullied as a child. He has loose morals for wanting to have his cake and eat it, too.
He doesn’t respect you and he’s gaslighting you. He sounds like an arrogant narc that’s going in nonsensical loops to throw you off because you’re making perfect sense. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was sleeping with her. Where is his love for you? Does he even understand the definition of morals? Cause he clearly doesn’t get what loyalty means. The military didn’t teach him that? You’re his wife! He’s making no sense. You’re not the AH and you know that you deserve better. Don’t waste years on this man.
Ummm…does your boyfriend understand the definition of “loose morals”?
Loose morals refer to breaking ethical rules. One ethical rule is that we don’t call people racial slurs. We don’t hang out and act complacent with those who do things like call people racial slurs.
Being a leader doesn’t mean engaging in “groupthink.” Perhaps your boyfriend should read up on the Bay of Pigs. He sounds uneducated.
Cutting through the details, you indicated that you were uncomfortable with his relationship with another woman. Ball was put in his court and he’s choosing to completely disregard your feelings. So now the ball is in your court. You can’t force him to so something he doesn’t want to do. So the only question is, are you going to take it or not?
OP- you can’t change how your BF thinks, acts, or talks. You have to decide if you like him and want him as a partner if he’s openly disrespectful of you and looks down on you. I don’t see why you would as IMO a person like that will be dead weight bringing your happiness down. In your shoes, I’d be taking a closer look on whether you want a BF like this one
It’s not to late to find another boyfriend who will respect you (and is not a narcissist). Sending you love! NTA
Trust me I’ve been in the military, I’ve never seen so many married partners cheat, gtfo while you can
You not only don’t have loose morals, you are 💯 percent right not hanging out with others who use racial slurs with and against you. I hope there are military personnel on this thread to correct me if I’m wrong about this.
In any branch of the service, there are lines drawn between loyalty to your team as service men and women and relationships that are so close they’re disruptive to cohesion me within the unit. I wonder if your BFs not only associating with the female Lieutenant on duty, but allowing her in your home and trying to get you in these relationships constitutes fraternizing.
In any case I believe you are being gaslit when he denies saying something, or says you misunderstood. I don’t believe this is someone who respects your autonomy, but ultimately you need to decide where to go with this relationship–the entrance or the exit.
The dude failing to protect his relationship has a lot of balls telling you that YOU’RE the one with loose morals. He needs to unfuck himself, or you need to walk. Or both. Both is good.
I am not commenting on the loose morals because I don’t even understan where it came from.
But if he feels he does need to keep a cordial relationship with his team and he the disrespectfull comments have stoped since he talked with the lituentent. Why are you still against him having a respectfull relationship with his work team?
I’d say you are the one not respecting his work relationships at that point.
Hi .I felt compelled to comment on this because I recognized something. Please please look into narcissistic abuse. I think you’re dating a narcissist.
“and he will say “I never said that”. How do you prove someone said something that you know they did but they are so adamant they didn’t or “didn’t say it like that”. It gets so frustrating.”
Honey, This is the TEXTBOOK definition of gaslighting. It’s become a term that people like to throw around, but this is ACTUALLY what it is. Trying to make you question your own recollection of reality. Making you question your own memories. Claiming that things weren’t said or that things didn’t happen the way you KNOW they did. This is a hallmark of narcissists. And this is the exact thing that saved me too. I said almost this exact thing, word for word once, to a friend out of total frustration, and that friend looked me in the eyes with FEAR and said “You need to start reading about having a relationship with a narcissist. I think you really need to look into the fact that you’re in a toxic relationship” That’s literally all she said. And is changed my life. I’m hoping this message will wake you up in the same way.
The short answer is you CAN’T prove it to him, and he KNOWS that. It’s a literal trap. As well as inflating his own self importance at work, using his work “position” to excuse his behavior (he’s likely cheating, because most of them do), and resulting to insulting your character when he can’t argue logic. All these things are literally textbook.
“constantly tells me how important he is at work and his job” Textbook narcissist.
“He constantly uses his work title to get away with doing things that I feel cross the line in a relationship.” Textbook
“He told me that because I did that, I had “loose morals”. TextBOOK.
Oh my friend, I have heard these EXACT things myself. It’s always crazy to me how similar all these guys are that have this issue, and how all these strangers actually say the SAME EXACT THINGS. I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that he also “love bombed” you in the beginning of the relationship, right? Was way over the top, swept you off your feet, you were amazing, the best thing he’s ever known, you could do no wrong? Until you could? ANd now it feels like you can’t do anything right?
Plesse google narcissistic relationships and start reading. It will wake you up.
And then accept that these people NEVER change, and can never change. You have to leave, eventually. Or you’ll live like this forever. I’m so sorry, but hopefully some reading will help you feel less alone. Many of us have survived these relationships, left, and ended with happier lives than ever. Best of luck.
he’s cheating w work wife and you’re in denial. bye bye sir
He sounds like a real…um, person who is drawn to military service for specific reasons that I don’t trust or value.
NTA. Hold onto your self respect. This is not a man who likes to show that he has any respect for you.
NTA, leave this loser. He’s a captain, a free give me rank anyone who doesn’t bomb out as a lieutenant automatically gets. He’s not important at all, he’s nearly bottom of the officer command structure, a first sergeant or senior master sergeant could piss on his desk and your boyfriend would have to put up with it.
He doesn’t even have morals based on this story. Do yourself a favor and run.
This guy is using his position in, well, who the hell cares, to justify shoving his head up his own ass. What the hell does the military have to do with him being a prick? I’ve been friends with a bunch of US military captains and none of them were pricks when I was their friend.
This shmuck is gaslighting you honey. And it sounds like he’s already cheated on you. You’ve already shown more leadership than him in standing up to racism whereas he clearly would condone it if it was a member of his “team”. Leadership is not just going along with what everyone in the team wants to do, it’s setting a standard of acceptable behaviour and for him to accuse you of having “loose morals” for not tolerating such behaviour shows what a shit leader he is.
You deserve better than this.
Loose morals are more evident in a work relationship that crosses personal boundaries that it should not. Such relationships are very common in the military especially AF. You might want to rethink this guy.
NTA
This guy is just messing you around. He’s not gonna change anything so if you want something different, you’ll have to be the one to change it.
You will leave this guy bc his ego will take up so much space you won’t have room for a panty drawer. He clearly wants you to adore him as much as he does. But honestly, he must actually have a low opinion of himself to feel the need to run you down. As for his “teammate “ if he isn’t cheating physically then he’s cheating mentally. Why haven’t the guy team members been as important? I would try to record him and play it back at some point. Maybe he’s not listening to himself.
As a former O3, he’s really not that important. And after 20 years in the military (50 with my husband combined) he absolutely does not need to have a close personal relationship with his coworkers. I DID have close personal relationships with coworkers, but they weren’t REQUIRED for us to work effectively together.
He’s a gaslighting POS. Also, the other details about denying texts in black and white support this.
And not associating with racists is the opposite of loose morals. It meant you were/are willing to have uncomfortable team/work relationships to stay true to your beliefs that all people are deserving of respect.
Now respect yourself enough to leave this POS behind.
NTA OP. Get out now! Your explanation is textbook gaslighting and grandiose narcissistic thinking. He is weaponizing his insecurities on you. This will never get better. You will deplete all your energy and sanity trying to get him to understand, when he has no ability or even care to understand.
WTF does “loose morals” even mean? If anything, he’s the one with loose morals.
Nope. Save yourself, block him, and get. out. now.
Fingers crossed you don’t live with him.
Run. He’s too self absorbed to ever see your side, even when your clearly right.
Move on.
I hope you mean your ex boyfriend finally overplayed his hand and now you’ve broken up with him…?
You’ve been with this guy for 2+ years?! WHY? I’m sorry, but in this instance YTA because you are with this person and continue to stay with him.
Someone whose husband is in the military I can tell you it’s not like that. My husband works just fine with men and women but he’s not friends with any women out of respect to me. Does he have women on his snapchat? Yes, they were from his school house and they send him updates about their life sometimes because he was helpful towards them and other males too.
I don’t even have to read this whole post to know he’s the problem not you. Any guy who says he never said something he clearly said should be dropped like a rock. Gaslighting and lying are an immediate “you can leave now”
Is he also that close with male team-mates? is he insisting you hang out with his male friends? Would his commanding officers or whatever is the army HR analogue look favorably on his relationship with his female team-mate?
His actions now show how he will behave if you ever need his support in a racial issue. Act accordingly.
“I guess a do have loose morals to be with a jackass like you”
Hey he sucks. You should probably get out.
He’s just throwing stuff at the walls to see what sticks to get you to back off. He values his relationship with this woman more than his relationship with you. Like, I’m not going to speculate about whether or not he’s having an affair, but that you’ve said you’re uncomfortable and he’s verbally tried to spin you around until you don’t know which way is up tells you everything you need to know.
NTA!
Walk away now while you can!
Lauren Spencer Smith has a song called Narcissist and it’s brutal truth at its finest!
He sounds quite full of himself, he gaslights you, and says you have loose morals because you won’t put up with racists. NTA. Throw the whole man away.
He doesn’t even like you. He has no respect for you. No empathy for you.
He called you loose. Like loose. Loose! WTF!!!
This is called “his way or the highway.” But it’s worse than that. He gaslights you denying he said things he has clearly said or that he didn’t say them that way. I don’t think there is a path forward here.
NTA.
He sounds exhausting and misogynistic.
If someone has to keep reminding you of how important they are, that’s a huge red flag indicating insecurity.
The OP should consider leaving her BF because it’s sounds like they don’t have much in common.
Let him find someone who “understands the military”.
Please run, I’ll be blunt, he is a narcissist jerk
He is gaslighting you, which is a behavior that ALWAYS escalates. Cut ur loses
NTA. Why are you with this douchebag? Do you have a fetish for narcissists?
why are you still with him?
He fuckin.
Go post this in the Air Force subreddit and let them tear that prick apart.
He’s a controlling, domineering SOB. REN, don’t walk from this relationship. It might help to get some therapy to see why you were attracted to him in the first place.
Even for the Air Force this is small dick energy. Nothing he’s doing is so essential that he can’t be replaced at a moment’s notice. He’s a little cog in a big military industrial complex that could give two craps about his “close-knit team.” You’re supposed to be his close-knit team if you’re expected to have any future together worth having.
Proceed at your own risk, red flags abound.
Why are you with this condescending jerk?
How long has your boyfriend been abusing you?
Let’s be real, real men don’t join the Air Force.
You need to get away from this man and his toxic friends
NTA
I think he’s perfect for his job. A stupid asshole that always thinks he’s right. Perfect fit for management.
Which also means he couldn’t give a shit to anyone beneath him, which unfortunately includes you. A real man can accept his faults and grow. And he doesn’t sound like he can do either of those things on the relationship level.
I mean, soldiers have to have a certain mindset instilled in them, that’s why it’s a no go for me from the start.
This type of blind loyalty to the army is to be expected
NTA
Your boyfriend is the one who has loose morals for being racist enough to claim it’s somehow immoral to disapprove of racism. Because he does not disapprove of racism, not even when the racism is directed toward you. Your boyfriend is not on your side when it comes to people being racist toward you. He is openly and proudly on the side of people being racist toward you. That is not a healthy relationship.
So, he is gaslighting you. that is the ENTIRE purpose behind saying something and then insisting they never said it. It is manipulative and an earmark of coercive control. That he holds his job and rank over your head is another control tactic, which speaks to this being a psychologically and emotionally abusive relationship that has the potential to turn physical. Here’s my question, why do you put up with it?
Why is he not your ex? You just rattled off an entire list of red flags and I’m struggling to find a green one in there anywhere.
NTA. That’s a weird thing to call loose morals. Also, I’ve only ever heard the challenge of “do you know what it’s like to be on a team” from my dad and always in reference to his time in the military. And also usually when it was because someone wanted to do something he didn’t want to do. In this case, sounds like it’s you challenging him on something that he’s not comfortable giving up.
Oh so he’s gaslighting you. Definitely not all military men but… a lot of them lol.
Keep two things in mind if you don’t leave him:
DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. When he’s inappropriate with his coworker and you bring it up, does he blame it on you?
Narcissists prayer:
That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it
NTA but probably consider leaving him and going to counselling
He will never admit he made a mistake…it’s a sign of a weak man. Can’t be a weak man in the military. That seeps into his whole life. Denial absolves him of responsibility….important in the military.
You can never convince a paranoid person you aren’t trying to get them. NEVER….
Best save yourself.
You can’t stop someone from going crazy, but, you don’t have to go with them.
These sound like classic malignant narcissist behaviors (not a doctor).
NTA
He’s abusive.
Run and don’t look back.
Does your boyfriend even know the meaning of “loose morals”? I don’t think he does.
Besides that OP, I have to say you are dating a class A narcissist person. If you going to continue on this relationship I’d suggest you learn how to deal with people like him. There are tons of books and podcasts about this. Arm yourself with knowledge otherwise you will always feel like you are the crazy one.
I wish you luck. Dating a narcissist is exhausting. The gaslighting, word playing games, manipulation, mind games is all just🤮. Continue at your own peril 🤷🏻♀️
He’s ONLY a Captain, not a General.
Poor man needs to wake up.
Holy fuckbuckets dump this walking red flag. NTA
He’s a captain and thinks he’s important… Trust me, his enlisted subordinates probably hate him
Billions of men in the world, dear. You don’t have to settle for this one.
I suggest that you read up on Narcissism, because your boyfriend is showing the signs, but seriously, research Narcissistic Personality Disorder and pay close attention to other people’s experiences. It’s wild how Narcissists all seem to say and do the exact same things, like they are reading from a script, or they are all issued a secret playbook. Pay special attention to “triangulation” and “gaslighting”.
He’s just trying to control you
I’m going to be completely honest. I don’t really understand how his response makes sense in that context. I would recommend recording the conversations and have both of y’all listen to how it could be communicated better. He may be manipulating. It may also be a situation where you are both talking past each other.
Why are you trying so hard with this guy?
NTA
Thank God he’s just your bf because you need to RRRRUUUUNNNNN 🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️because he’s a walking, talking 🚩🚩🚩🚩….
My ex husband used to gaslight me the same way, like denying saying things he had said or saying I said things I never said (that was a mouthful…😂). He’d also tell me what I feel and think even though he had to know he was wrong, like when he told me if A and B didn’t happen, then he would’ve had a second chance with me. Like, no, you wouldn’t because you’re 🤢😂.
I tell you all this to show you that it will never get better, only worse. Decide if that’s the future you want or not, then act accordingly.
Don’t waste your time trying to understand someone who is hell-bent on misunderstanding you.
I didn’t think he understands the definition of “loose morals” 😂. Ur boyfriend is stupid.
When your bf is gaslighting you thats a high indicator of a lack of morals.
Blurring lines between your superior and also disrespecting your partner and disregarding their feelings and boundaries of relationships is also an indicator of lacking morals.
Do not let this asswipe play with your mind or minimize his behavior.
Men with true intgerity dont gaslight and aren’t selfish or condescending towards others for any reason.
He sounds icky. Hope you ditch the loser.
You are not the asshole.
Please value yourself enough to not stand for such behavior, trust me, it won’t get better. Once you let them make themselves more important than you it only gets worse and they will gaslight you and tell you they didn’t say the things they said or even better, let on that you are too dumb to have understood it properly.
Cut that crap off ASAP.
Nta, but you obviously understand he doesn’t respect you, so why would you stay with someone who doesn’t respect you
It gives me the vibes he’s vertical tango team building exercises or wants to. Trying to get you involved in a devils 3 way. He’s hiding something. no sain person talks like that. I know many military people. they are close knit but not to the point the spouse is responsibly uncomfortable
Military has strict fraternazation policies with people who are under them. He can get get in serious trouble if anything is going on with this woman. Her too.
Yeah, he’ll be lucky to see O-3. Also note: He’s an asshole.
Yeah, your bf is a blowhard.
You’re not that important, Sir.
YTA if you stay with this dude. He obviously doesn’t respect you, and fighting with him won’t earn it for you. If you think for yourself, then a military guy isn’t for you, because they follow orders.
NTA, run. To paraphrase Tywin Lannister, “Any man who must say ‘I am very important’ is not actually important.” and he’s taking is BDE (baby dick energy) out on you. Get out now.
Dump him, he’s an asshole.
Yeah Nta but as established as he is as a leader, I seriously question his communication skills. He basically acted like a child by insulting you for being honest about being uncomfortable with his relationship.
So here is what you do, you say you have nothing but respect for team members and teams but are having a hard time reconciling his need to be cohesive with his team while being so divisive with his team member at home, you. It’s not about him agreeing with you and just doing what you say. It is about him being respectful and having appropriate boundaries with a person that has been a problem for a while.
Not to be noisy, but how has she acted towards you or him, for context, that you found inappropriate?
He’s also stupid. This is not what “loose morals” is all about. Please leave him.
He has an overinflated ego as many officers do at the rank of Captain/03. Being an officer in the military is usually very political based. He needs to get off of his high horse! There is a difference between work and family although for officers the line is a little bit closer than it is for ncos. Family first that is my motto.
Why are you still dating him? If you can safely pack up and leave you should do it
NTA He sounds like the hero of his own lunchtime. He needs to get over himself. Why are you putting up with this nonsense ?
NTA
Pull yourself up by your self-respect and dump this loser. He is seeing how far he can push your boundaries so he can juggle you and this “coworker”. You are young. This guy is not your life.
First paragraph is called gaslighting and it is just one of the red flags present in this post. He sounds abusive and I’d bet my left nut hes cheating with the lt
iT truly sound like your bf doesn’t Actually Know the real meaning of the Words and Phrases he uses! When he said: That you take what he says “at face value”. When he is berating you for Showing him something he Said: You would say… ‘you always misconstrue my meaning’- or, You Add your own twist to what i Really mean: But At Face Value means: ‘taking something Plainly -As it iS- (!)’
And “Loose Morals”, Has Nothing to do with Team Dynamics! Period
iT means: “Loose” means Sexually promiscuous, and Morals… in combination with Loose, means that the person’s ‘Moral Compass’ is not functioning: There is Zero Question that Whatever He Thinks he is Saying… he is Not saying to ppl who Speak and understand English! Saying you have “Loose Morals” is calling someone ‘Cheap’! iF he really iS so important to some “Team”, then Communication Has to be pivotal in how Effective he iS. This Failure to use Words and Phrases correctly Speaks Volumes about him! Someone who is Pretending! Who has Not taken the time to actually Learn the meaning to the Words he is throwing around. And aimed towards You, who is Also his GF, and he should Care that what he says Has Meaning. ( Not to mention that he accuses you of “Misunderstanding what he Really means”). [ By accusing you of: “Taking everything he says At face value!”], is like complaining- ‘You hear everything i say Clearly!’ . He is gaslighting you… Open a window on the Sunny Day, and let him know (he needs to read more), and he should try speaking simply and plainly- For His Own Benefit.
Also, To Value you, rather than imagine himself Superior to you. (By constantly Mis Speaking)! [i add a Dry hahaha to that last!]
With respect, and hope you can iron this out with him- if he has potential…
•This, ie: ( his response to correcting Misuse of language /Misspeaking), will be what tells you Clearly. period
JFC girl, you have enough red flags to sew the world’s biggest hot air balloon and float the hell away.
I get that you’ve been together two years and he has probably been undermining your sense of self throughout but you absolutely deserve better than this. This is as good as he’s ever going to get to you, and it sounds miserable. Get out while it’s easier to go.
As someone who was in the military he’s the toxic leadership the enlisted complain about. Hes not a leader he’s controlling and has the toxic outlook that he’s more important than you because he can’t leave his title at work. Letting your coworker bash your relationship and not standing by your wife is what having loose morals means. You need to divorce him.
Edit: clarity
I hope this is rage bait. He’s gaslighting you and blatantly cheating on you. You should have dumped him a long time ago. leave.
🚩 Says things and then lie about it making you feel crazy- gaslighting.
🚩 Tried to blame it on you for not understanding his world, when he’s the one who does not want to set boundaries.
🚩 Accuses you if having loose morals for setting boundaries with disrespectful team mates. (Which means it really doesn’t matter what you said, he would say that anyway)
🚩 Thinks of himself as of big importance, and is always trying to find a way to say that, while it’s absolutely irrelevant.
And the problem is you for having loose morals, not understanding the need of being close to his disrespectful lieutenant. (Manipulation & Lack of accountability)
He likes the attention. He doesn’t want it to stop.
He doesn’t care.
You should find yourself a man that puts you first. Respect your feelings. Treasure your relationship. Doesn’t make you feel like you’re going crazy. You deserve better and you know it. Cut your losses and run.
NTA. Find a better man.
Do you really think this is the best you can do?
You might/could walk away from this relationship. He sounds very immature.
NTA. Aside from that making absolutely no sense whatsoever, the bigger issue here is him trying to convince you he didn’t say things when he did. He is laying the groundwork for you not to trust yourself so that when he starts doing really egregious things, you’re so beaten down and unsure of yourself that you take his abuse without complaint.
… he should use words that he doesn’t know.
Married to a military man for the last 12 years. Your BF is full of shit. He’s the kind of man my husband avoids. His coworker is the kind of woman that is the reason my husband avoids women in the workplace and keeps relationships strictly work related. She’s a home wrecker and I’d bet money he’s sleeping with her. It absolutely boggles my mind how many military men have affairs while away from their wives (plenty of wives have affairs too so). Ditch this guy before you have children with him and are tied to him forever.
HIS team is life and death…yours was mean girls. You are not the same.
NTA. Ask yourself what you’re getting out of this relationship. He’s not acting as if he even likes you, let alone loves you.
My wife is notorious for saying something then when it is brought up later, she denies ever having said that. So when we started having conversations I had put a shortcut on my phone to record audio. Then later when she says I didn’t say that, I would have that portion of the recording ready to play. So when she denied having said whatever, I could play it back to her in her own words. She stopped using the I never said that excuse Real fast when there was proof she actually said it.
Is it admissible in court? Probably not. But it was never meant to go to court. It was only meant to prove to her that Yes she in fact said that.
Arguing about a coworker and defending them would mean immediate divorce from me. You dont get to play house at “work”
NTA. My first husband was AF. He had/has a ridiculously important job with a security clearance that kind of freaked me out. (We had the full FBI treatment annually and even though I’ve never had so much as a ticket it always made me weirdly nervous like maybe I forgot I sold government secrets? lol) Your dude is full of shit and this is not at all normal.
Ditch this AH. You’ll be happier and less gaslit.
Why are you with him? He sounds awful.
Put him in your rear view mirror. Then move on down the highway. He can team up with that lieutenant. They were made for each other.
Company grade officers, generally, don’t know much at that early stage of their careers (excepting some senior captains) and would do better to form relationships with their more senior NCOs (who are extremely knowledgeable) than to form tight attachments with officers junior to them. Despite the incessant deluge of leadership training they receive, most CGOs are timorous, fledgling leaders who need to rely heavily on the well-earned savvy of their enlisted subordinates. That requires some humility, and it seems your BF was behind the door when that quality was passed out.
Military men are much more likely to be shitty partners than other men. Just ststistically.
Also fuck his position! Sounds like a bitch boy trying to gain control over you. Who would talk like that? Not the type of person I’d want in my life
He’s projecting. 2 years and still an issue? Sounds like his work team is more important
I mean, NTA because he’s apparently gas lighting you and also dismissing you. Has he ever been disloyal to you or given you a reason to believe he would be?
Life with a complete ah narcissist is miserable unless you just smile and say “yes dear” a whole lot. What do you want the rest of your life to be?
Your boyfriend sounds like a fucking twat.
Veteran here– your bf is a narcissist who holds his rank (which has zero bearing outside of his job) over your head and is putting you in shitty positions where you have to tolerate bs because he a) doesn’t care if your feelings are hurt b) doesn’t want to “look bad” in front of a female (appropriate military term) and c) probably has never actually talked to her about keeping their interactions work based. He doesn’t care if you’re comfortable. He cares whether or not you’re making him look bad.
Ditch the bitch.
It sounds like he doesn’t understand what morals are or how they can be loose.
leave just leave, idk if hes cheating with her or not idk if hes a douche or not. but leave if youre not happy just leave.
It’s usually a good idea to have a relationship with someone who likes you AND loves you.
Nta
As someone who was in the military I was NOT friends with everyone I worked with, not even everyone in my company. It sounds like your BF is using this as an excuse to keep a toxic person around for one reason or another.
Loose morals means you sleep around. I have never heard it in the context he was suggesting.
NTA, Girl, this dynamic is never going to change and he is always going to do whatever he wants, with no regards to you, because he thinks he’s better than you. Including but not limited to crossing the line with other women.
NTA. Your boyfriend has a military brain, this will never be a debate for him. Ask yourself if you can live with that.
Have you considered going straight to his commanding officer and filing a complaint about this possibly inappropriate relationship with this co-worker of his?
Don’t need to read past the 1st paragraph…he’s gaslighting you.
If someone claims not to have said something ask them what they said.
Once they give their version of what they meant hold them to it.
Another thing you can do to be proactive is when someone says something, repeat it back to them in your own words and make sure you’re clear with your interpretation of their words.
I do this to people, even if I trust them to be honest. It helps to make sure everyone is on the same page.
If you do this, and it doesn’t help then you two have a communication problem, or he’s gaslighting you. Both can lead to the end of a relationships, and if you feel like he’s gaslighting you then you should leave.
You do not have to be friends with coworkers. Part of being a professional is working together as a cohesive unit despite personal differences. There are many people who don’t even like their coworkers, but they realize the goal/mission is what matters.
That military line is BS. I was also in the military, and if he’s trying to tell you everyone in the military are going to be friends or pretend to be friends I’m sure there are subreddits here where you can find people who disagree, other than myself.
Most of us are going to be respectful, but that’s different than what’s he’s doing. It seems like he wanted to hang out with her.
If she’s obviously flirting he should have checked her. As a captain he should be setting the example. Allowing that type of behavior is not what leaders do.
Edit: I’m sure you can do better.
NTA. I’m in the AF & wouldn’t hang around with a team mate off duty if my partner was uncomfy with them for a good reason.
Also I would never date a man in the military 🤷🏼♀️ just sayin