(Leaving out some parts as I am easily recognised) So me (40f) and my husband (42) have been married for 10 years. my BIL is due to get married on a day that I’ve got an important day where I need to be about three hours away from the wedding. This has been in the pipeline for three years. The wedding was booked a few months ago.
I have told my husband to be at the wedding with the kids and I’ll try and make the reception. He has said that if I go to my thing, he wants to be there and support me due to the family sacrifices we have both made for this day. I appreciate this but it is his brother.
His mother is furious and expects our whole family at the wedding. I barely see BIL and he only lives 10 mins away but I have only met his child (1) twice and I have nothing in common with his fiancé.
Ive been planning this day for three years, picked my outfit and invited my parents as they have helped out throughout the last 3 years. AITAH if I just don’t go? I feel that the last three years of planning has been wasted and I do not have the option of doing this on any other day EVER!
Help me!!!
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Original copy of post’s text: (Leaving out some parts as I am easily recognised) So me (40f) and my husband (42) have been married for 10 years. my BIL is due to get married on a day that I’ve got an important day where I need to be about three hours away from the wedding. This has been in the pipeline for three years. The wedding was booked a few months ago.
I have told my husband to be at the wedding with the kids and I’ll try and make the reception. He has said that if I go to my thing, he wants to be there and support me due to the family sacrifices we have both made for this day. I appreciate this but it is his brother.
His mother is furious and expects our whole family at the wedding. I barely see BIL and he only lives 10 mins away but I have only met his child (1) twice and I have nothing in common with his fiancé.
Ive been planning this day for three years, picked my outfit and invited my parents as they have helped out throughout the last 3 years. AITAH if I just don’t go? I feel that the last three years of planning has been wasted and I do not have the option of doing this on any other day EVER!
Help me!!!
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It sounds like a graduation , and if that’s the case then go, you deserve it and worked for it , if it’s clean and sober for three years then great but get to the wedding
NTA but boy! are you in for some friction! I don’t know what to tell you to do about it.
Regardless of what your event is… You & your husband are both allowed to make your own choices. If you don’t want to attend, then don’t go. Other people are allowed to be disappointed with your decision.
NTA. You’ve planned this for years. Skipping it for someone you barely see isn’t fair to you or your hard work.
Clearly, The Thing is deeply important to you, and the relationship with the bil almost non-existent — you wouldn’t really be going for him, if anything, you’d be going to keep the peace with mil. Which isn’t exactly unimportant, but not “the last three years have been leading up to this moment” important. NTA.
So you made sacrifices for 3 years? Okay let say you finish master’s degree? And the day of your graduation ceremony is same day as their wedding. Of course I will be with my wife on that day. But you know after the graduation ceremony i will go straight ahead to wedding reception, and do the graduation celebration the following day with my family.
Can we get some details on what this important event is that you have been planning for 3 years?
I don’t think the fact that you barely see your BIL or have anything in common with his fiancé plays into it at all. It is your husbands family.
I’d say NTA but you should do your best to make the reception. Need some more information though.
You are absolutely not the ahole for wanting to attend something you’ve worked so hard for over three years. It sounds like this day holds deep personal significance, and you’ve earned the right to be there. Your husband wanting to support you speaks volumes about your relationship, and while it’s understandable his family wants you all at the wedding, it doesn’t outweigh the years of effort and planning you’ve invested. You’re not choosing to skip the wedding out of spite — you’re prioritizing a once-in-a-lifetime moment. Weddings come with expectations, but boundaries are healthy too. Don’t feel guilty for standing up for something meaningful to you
INFO: How do your BIL and his fiancée feel? It feels like it’s just your MIL’s reaction you’ve talked about.
NTA.
Why did your BIL plan the wedding for the same day as your event? Yours was 3 years in the making; his was only recent. Seriously? Go to your event and don’t think twice about it.
Too bad for his mom is what I’d say. She’d have to get over it. U had 3 years of planning this. Go to ur thing. If ur husband wants to go to ur thing let him. That’s a good husband right there, wanting to support u. Go to the reception after as a family. If they don’t like too bad. No one has to live their life according to what others in their family want.
Can’t make it, i have plans. If they ask you to reschedule your plans ask them to reschedule their wedding.
Sometimes you just can’t make it, even though you really want to. Your event is special, so be there with no guilt. Your husband wants to support you, as he should, so let him. If you all can make the reception so be it. But do not let your family place one event over the other. In life this happens. The real test is how people handle these situations. Your family wants to place more emphasis on the wedding and they are WRONG. Congrats and your husband is a prince.
Just send a nice wedding gift, they will get over it. Had the same thing happen with my wife and daughter having to be somewhere else when my much younger brother got married. No big deal.
What is the thing?? NTA. You have a prior commitment, I hope you have other people that can support you at the thing if your husband can’t make it.
NTA. Your event was planned for 3 years while his was only planned a few weeks ago. Congratulations on your achievement. You proposed a compromise which your husband rejected because he wanted to be with you. Let him deal with his mother and you stay out of it.
It doesn’t matter what kind of event it is, the date has been fixed three years ago and I assume the family of your husband knew about that. Your BIL could chose any other date so hereythe thing
No way your going to the wedding and I really hope you won’t convince your husband to go as he wants to support you so don’t devalue his support
It’s fine to politely decline the invitation and simply say you can’t make it, you have a prior commitment.
No need to go into any justification about how important that prior commitment is to you with your relatives. You get to choose, it’s your life. If your mil is unhappy about it, that emotion is hers to find a way to deal with, it’s not your job to make her happy.
It’s important to be calm and firm about it when you inform your relatives, as well as brief. This is not a negotiation nor a discussion, it’s you politely declining the invitation to an event you will not be able to attend.
Of course you will send a gift and best wishes.
If your husband wants to go to your thing, that’s his choice. If he wants to go to his brother’s wedding, also his choice. You can’t choose for him, and I’m sure he’s aware of his mother’s preferences.
Your husband should go to his brothers wedding, you need to go do your thing because you’ve been planning it for 3 yrs, MIL can suck it up and just be happy with the compromise because you’ve got a prior event nta
Go to your thing (and l would be annoyed that I can’t have your family there thanks to this wedding). If it’s your MIL and not your husband who is upset, then she can get over it and you need to stop worrying about it.
If she has the audacity to say anything to you about it, I would say “what did you expect me to miss my?? Because BIL decided to get married that same day? It’s bad enough my whole family will be there instead of with me. “ People like that are emotionally bullying you, my FIL was like that, and I just stood up to him. He backed right down and always ended up apologizing meekly.
If they were really going to miss you, they would be hurt, not indignant or mad , demanding your respect or whatever they think it is.
You and your husband are allowed to miss the wedding – and people can get glad in the same pants they got mad. NTA
It’s very sweet that your husband would like to support you on your big day! I would say your plan of making the reception would be fair and maybe you could go over after their honeymoon and you can all talk about how the wedding went
Edit: NTA
NTA – go on with your day. Don’t try to make the reception – enjoy a dinner with your parents afterwards or something else celebratory rather than rushing through the day.
Your husband should go to the wedding though. It’s great that he wants to be with you to support you, but you’ll have your parents there for you. It’s not ideal, but the best compromise that should cause the least drama. Your MIL doesn’t get a vote. She can have her expectations but it’s your decision to make.
Congratulations!!
Are you kidding? NTA. Ignore your MIL and express your regrets to your BIL directly before sending whatever your formal RSVP response is. And figure out what your husband is going to do before doing that.
The next time your MIL says anything to you (assuming she dares) tell her firmly that the matter is settled.
Let your Husband tell his brother that your family can’t make it due a previous engagement. Period.
You can celebrate BIL’s marriage when they return from their honeymoon.
I can’t believe they couldn’t have picked a date that considers the entire family! If the brother connection was that important then how is your husband not the best man?
You’re NTA
I would be with my wife that day and tell my brother sorry
Hell no! NTA. You have been planning this for three years. Take care of you and your family. You guys come first.
Hey hon, what’s the event you’re going to?
Your BIL picked that day on purpose. No way he didn’t know about it. You and your husband should skip the wedding. Don’t feel bad about it either.
You have plans that day. Period. You’re not available.
They made their plans without consulting you — which is normal and appropriate, LOL. You have a conflict and must decline — also normal and appropriate.
The ONLY question here is what your husband will do. If he already had plans to accompany you, then in my opinion, he needs to decline the wedding invite. “I already have plans. I’m not available that day.”
You MIL needs to get over herself. The only way everyone in the family will attend is if the bride and groom meet with the entire family and go through calendars and pick a date that works for everyone. Guess what. That’s unreasonable. So is your MIL.
Neither of you should feel guilty, nor allow yourself to be guilted or demonized. You were invited, and you declined because you had other commitments. That’s life.
Then dont
Plans are plans. Another ‘furious’ person who has no right to be. “I don’t want to go” in your headline might have something to do with this tho.
Go to your thing / screw the wedding
NTA. You’ve had a prior commitment for three years. BIL can deal.
Whatever it is go because it’s important to you and the date before planning the wedding is usually asked by everyone is this a good day for everyone regardless do what you have to do and try to make the reception if you can if not do not stress you had priorities before way before they even got engaged probably so honor your priorities as you did nothing wrong and be happy and enjoy your day .
If you are graduating I think you can walk on a different semester. I’ve seen that done before
NTA. Simply don’t go. Who cares what you MIL wants? She can be furious all she wants. You have a prior engagement. Period. Full Stop.
Go to your event, in a years time which one would you regret missing the most?? I think we know the answer, please let your husband decide which event he wants to attend, and if they only booked it a few months ago surely they were aware of your event???
You’re WNBTA if you RSVPed no.
Send your husband with the kids to support BIL on his big day.
You go to your thing. Then, if you can make it to the reception, you should try to show face.
Regardless of how often you see BIL. It’s family. Weddings are more important than most other things.
Talk to BIL yourself. Lay out the plan. BIL will likely understand and support your decision.
Your big event was scheduled three years before his big event. It takes precedence.
End of F@#$%ing list.
What’s the event that’s an important factor
Previous commitment is not something your mother in law gets to challenge. Your spouse and kids can attend your event with you and your family can jointly attempt to attend the reception if it is feasible so your spouse and kids do not feel like they are not supporting you.
Is the BIL also upset or is it just the MIL? If the BIL is not expressing the same upset, just ensure that a nice card and gift is provided prior to the wedding. Ask in the card if you can privately celebrate with them another weekend if you truly believe it will be difficult for you to make it back in time for the reception.
Your spouse’s relationship with his brother is his to maintain. He should be able to talk to him about the previous commitment without dividing the family.
Let your spouse cope with his mom.
When my husband and I got married three years ago, we booked the venue 11 months out. My family knew this immediately, plus save the date, plus invitation. My brother and his wife live in a different city. He told me a month beforehand that they didn’t want to travel with the kids. But they couldn’t find childcare for the weekend despite having a full time nanny. So my sister in law didn’t come.
I didn’t care. My mother cared. She thought it made my brother look bad and on my wedding night, several people came up to quickly congratulate me and then ask where my sister in law was. Was she sick? This was right when Covid ended so I think everyone was rightfully concerned that maybe my brother had Covid. So I had to repeatedly tell people they couldn’t find childcare. It did make them look bad.
This – something you’ve had planned for three years – is quite different. Send a present before the wedding, even though you aren’t going, with a note like “I am so sorry I won’t be able to attend, but I look forward to celebrating with you soon, congratulations!” But YNTAH.
Go to your own event, and don’t feel guilty about it.
INFO
Could you move the date of your event?
Is the relationship between your husband and his brother distant?
If you decide not to go, you are in your right, but this will most likely have life repercussions in the relationship between the brothers. I would make sure to send a nice gift and a detailed letter to mitigate the consequences.
NTA- Your event has been planned for 3 years, and theirs was sprung up in a whirlwind, it seems. Enjoy your day and celebrate you🎉
It’s not your MIL, business.
NTA and you obviously need to skip it. Let your husband decide for himself what he wants to do. It’s his family.
NTA. Do your thing and take your husband! BIL knew about this for three years and made no effort to avoid the date.
NTA. Wedding matter sure, but so do your milestone. You’ve planned this for years. You’re not skipping the family , you’re just choosing not to erase your own hard work for someone who didn’t consider your schedule when booking.
Husband should call brother and tell him you guys can’t make the wedding and why. Guarantee you that the brother will understand and be glad you are planning on making it to the reception. Now when the brother explains this to everyone else, it may not be okay with them. That’s on them as the only relationship that matters is between the brothers and you had addressed this ahead of time. It’s the best you can do and what others think about it is their problem.
NAH. Wedding culture has gotten out of control with everyone expecting their day to be everyone else’s priority. I’ve got four kids and a career – sometimes life doesn’t align perfectly. Send a thoughtful gift and arrange a special dinner with them later.
Don’t go to wedding, call
MIL, explain at high level you can’t but wish you could, but husband and kids will be there to represent family. Send kind regards, do same with the BIL and send a lovely present beforehand.
Your husband is representing your family and you have a long planned commitment. You’re not close with your BIL or his fiancé so they won’t care. Go to the event you’ve been planning for 3 years. MIL and others will just have to get over it.