I just received the text of her asking me to talk so I am definitely not calm right now, my apologies in advance.
For context, my grandma and grandpa divorced when I wasn’t even born and I don’t know any better than my grandpa being together with his now wife. I see her as family but I have never called her grandma. This matters to me in this context because it feels extra inappropriate that she’s even talking to me about this. She’s a very intelligent person and I generally like her a lot, but she has this sort of stubborn character where she always thinks she’s right, basically. This causes her to insert herself into all sorts of situations where she wants to help “fix” things, as if she sees herself as some sort of objective peace-maker. I don’t know how else to call it lol but she has a very strong opinion as well so it’s kind of like she thinks she has all the answers and solutions. Oh yeah it’s the grandpa on my dad’s side, by the way.
Anyway, me and my parents but mostly me and my mom have kind of a difficult relationship. I won’t make this a boring long deep story but basically mostly my mom is very emotionally immature and ever since I was a little kid I always had to take care of her and her emotions. I literally didn’t learn to take care of myself emotionally because all I ever did was be hypervigilant to her feelings and make sure she was okay. When my parents used to fight I was literally their mediator, etc. It’s always been a rollercoaster and that’s how my relationship with mostly my mom has felt every since. There are periods in time where we get along well, we laugh together, she’s there for me, etc, but then a period hits where everything is about her and blablabla and it gets really freaking harmful towards me especially as the oldest (parentified) daughter. She leans on me and there is NO room for me to speak up for myself because she plays the victim and I’m never heard and validated. She will literally go to bed crying or she’ll threaten to hurt herself. It always makes me feel guilty so then I’m there for her reassuring her and neglecting myself completely. When I moved out of the house, I always was so excited coming home but the second I stepped in I felt tension. My parents and my sister have since admitted they were glad when I left again, not acknowledging I was SO overwhelmed everytime. I literally started feeling like an outsider in my own family and always still feel like it’s 3 against 1.
Anyway, since 3.5 years I have been dating my girlfriend. In the first year of our relationship, everything was ok between her and my parents. They actually liked each other. After the first year, mostly my mom started to pull this shit again when my girlfriend was also there. It really affected her and it opened my eyes on how I was treated. It was hard to address this in the beginning because of the endless guilt and shame I feel and wanting everyone to be happy all the time and feeling so so so so so responsible for everyone and everything. So I guess I distanced myself a bit from my mom without much explanation, which I realise wasn’t very fair. I then started trying to actually talk about things, but it never went well. It always escalated and I got so disappointed and sad. I tried so hard. Gave a million of disclaimers saying that I know she’s not a bad person and that I love her and I understand her and yadayadayada but it never ever worked. Fast forward to now and I initiated a period (!!!) of no-contact for the second time. I would LOVE to reconnect as it absolutely freaking SUCKS not having parents in my life and the relationship with my sister is also strained because of this. A lot has happened in my life and I need them. However, every time I tried, it just got worse. And my girlfriend whom I love really doesn’t want anything to do with them unless they truly change. Our last dinner with the 4 of us was HORRIBLE.
Now my grandpa’s wife texted me, responding a bit to questions on how she and my grandpa are doing and stuff and then all of a sudden saying “I heard you went no contact with your parents” to IMMEDIATELY make the judgement that that was “not okay” and “selfish” and “harmful for all parties involved”. She then insisted on making an appointment to talk. Her and me or her, me and my gf (not my grandpa because “he’s getting to old for petty arguments”?!). First of all, I find it weird that she inserts herself as the saviour. Second, why the flip would I want to talk to her about this after she made very painful assumptions without even knowing my side whatsoever. I know for a fact that my parents have NOT given her a full picture, as they have proven time and time again that they do NOT understand what is going on no matter how hard I try to explain. They just play the victims, take no accountability, etc.
I truly don’t see what talking would even do. I am so mad honestly. AITAH?
TL;DR:
I just got a text from my grandpa’s wife wanting to talk about me going no-contact with my parents, calling it “selfish” and “harmful” without knowing my side at all. I’ve never even called her grandma, so it feels super inappropriate for her to insert herself like some self-appointed peacekeeper. My relationship with my mom has been toxic for years — I was the parentified child, always managing her emotions while neglecting myself. Things got worse after I moved out and especially once my girlfriend came into the picture. I’ve tried reconnecting, but it always backfires and leaves me more hurt. Now this woman who doesn’t get the full story wants a “talk” as if she can fix everything? I’m angry, hurt, and honestly don’t see the point. AITAH?
(NO SCREENSHOTS INCLUDED BECAUSE IT’S NOT IN ENGLISH!)
(I have not texted back yet by the way as I am trying to cool down)
Comments
Just send your grandfather’s wife a link to this post once you get some feedback.
Meanwhile, NTA. You are not, and should never have been, your mother’s emotional support human. By the way, your GF sounds like a keeper!
Your feelings are valid! I would be completely pissed that my step gma reached out to me like that. I don’t think there would be any benefit in talking with her. Assuming by her tone in the text she wants to scold you and that’s just going to upset you even more.
I also have issues with my mother and gma being super righteous, my way or the highway, kinda people. Sometimes it feels unbearable to be around.
NTA you’re really right to feel frustrated and hurt by someone who hasn’t walked in your shoes yet… assuming they know what’s best for you how can we ever expect people to listen when they don’t even try to understand before jumping to conclusions? How do you set boundaries without losing the connection?
Nta
Text Grandpa’s wife back “wow you made a ton of incorrect ASSumptions and for that I am choosing no contact with you as well.
Nta
Just don’t respond. It’s none of her business and she only wants to give you grief over your decision and share her unwanted and unasked opinion on the matter. Don’t even bother.
I won’t go after grandma this hard. Your family manipulated your dur ages, why do you think she is somehow different? They did the very same shit to her. Yes, she is wrong for judging without full picture, but manipulatiors like professional victims are very good in making people fight for them.
NTA
Would it be rude to tell her to mind her own business? Because it’s the only option I can see atm
NTA the AUDACITY of this woman to insert herself where she was not invited is off the charts. What a nosy, meddling, controlling disgrace she is.
Protect your sanity and protect your peace! Grandpa’s wife can’t fix when she doesn’t understand who broke it and it was NOT you.
Your grandpas wife needs to butt out.
NTA
> “I heard you went no contact with your parents” to IMMEDIATELY make the judgement that that was “not okay” and “selfish” and “harmful for all parties involved”.
Why has everyone forgotten how to
hang up a phoneignore texts?NTA. I know you don’t want to hear this. But you cannot have a happy and healthy personal life as long as you are in contact with your family.
They sound deeply selfish and manipulative and have failed you at every step. They’re not going to magically change or be better.
I know it sucks but it’s best for you to stay NC. No partner of yours will ever be okay with these crazy people and if you stay in touch with them, it WILL affect your mental health and relationships.
Stay NC and ignore the text.
NTA. Remind her that a little bit of cyanide is still poison. You’re cutting out the poison in your life. And if she thinks abuse is acceptable and should be normalized, then that explains a lot about your mother’s behavior. But for you, it’s not going to be normalized and she needs to step out.
I don’t think you are the AH but maybe you could send her the link to this post to try and help her understand or just tell her it’s not really any of her business and just let it be. It’s between you and the parents and sibling so other family getting involved just makes things messier.
Nta. And family is more then blood. Almost all of mine and my kids/wife family has no blood ties to us at all. Most realtives are not nor will they ever been family.
Updateme
Tell her that it’s selfish and harmful to make assumptions and try to guilt someone into a toxic relationship. If she is supposedly intelligent, she should’ve asked you first. If she had an ounce of emotional intelligence, she would know it’s not her place to even ask.
UPDATE (/more context):
G: (I deleted the beginning of the message because it was about something else, but I do want to mention that I had an accident last week which she also responded to — making it even wilder that she sent this in the same message.)
Something completely different, Tess.
We recently heard from your parents that you no longer have contact with them. Sorry to say it, but whatever happened, that’s a very strange move. Unnecessary and extremely unkind.
Not a good look, Tess.
I think it would be good to talk about this sometime. Let’s make an appointment — just you and me, or you, (GIRLFRIEND), and me. Your grandfather should stay out of it; he’s too old for these kinds of unnecessary conflicts.
It would be much better for everyone involved if things could just go back to normal.
So let us know, and let’s put an end to this nonsense.
Love, (G AND GRANDPA)
Me: Hi (G),
I really don’t appreciate you inserting yourself into a situation that’s between mom, dad, me — and no one else. And definitely not in this way.
There’s no reason for me to want to talk about this with someone who already judges the situation before hearing my side, or who thinks they know exactly what’s going on.
It’s not up to you to decide what’s unnecessary or unkind.
I’d appreciate it if you stayed out of it and let us handle it ourselves. We’re all adults.
Thanks in advance.
G: Go ahead, but then actually do something about it.
Me: 👍🏼
Me: Will you say the same thing to mom and dad? 😉 (Meaning that I know she’s only lecturing me and not the people causing the issues lol)
“Susan, I appreciate your concern but this situation is between myself and my parents. It’s our issue to work out between ourselves, or not. We are all adults who can make our own decisions about this. Please respect our choices. Take care.”
Then block her. Don’t respond any further. An actor doesn’t perform if there isn’t an audience.
Good luck!
UpdateMe
Edit to add: NTA
Tell her to stay out of it or she goes on the NC list. NTA.
Apparently, step-grandma doesn’t want to be mom’s emotional support human.
NTA.
NTA But I would just send a little message to her and your grandpa something like “Hey,
So I want to get this out of the way right now. We had a good relationship before this and can have one again after this if all goes well. But first things first, never again text me telling me I am being selfish or etc without knowing the full story. So one thing you should know full well is you dont know everything, and well just randomly commenting on other peoples problems will make you look like an ass. It has dropped my evaluation of you by a massive tonne. But it can be rebounded from in time.
I know you like playing the peace keeper and etc. But well when you dont have the full info and you go into it with your regular attitude of “I know best of basiclly no information” then yeah you are going to piss people off. I am sure this is not the first time this is happening.
So where do we go from here? Basically you butt out of this and leave it alone. You dont send me any more charged texted. Hell if you send me one based on this message I will likely just block you because well I am done. Oh and I am also sending this text to grandpa so he can be aware of what is going on. Because well not getting the full picture can lead to misunderstandings.
And as for how I deal with my parents. I will do that based on my own will. You already forfeited any right to give advice or opinions once you came in head strong without getting the full picture or attempting to actually talk to me first. If you do try I will just plainly ignore you and if you try to force me to answer we will have issues. And well I will speak my mind and you will not like it. So this is where we stand at this point in time. Maybe we can recover to where we were but that is more on you then it is on me. I hope you make the right decision.”
NTA.
UpdateMe
NTA tell her she doesn’t know the emotional abuse you have been through and stay in her lane. Get yourself therapy to establish boundaries
NTA
Maybe try some therapy so you can actually grieve the loss of your parents.
Not having loving parents sucks. But you never really had that. They are not going to suddenly be that for you. You have to choose between what they are or them not being in the picture. If the choice is them not being in the picture, you have to grieve their loss, almost as if they had died, in order to be able to genuinely move on. You’ll find that you’ll have peace and joy and so many positive emotions that you were likely afraid to have before. You deserve that kind of love in your life.
Your grandpa’s wife has no right to even talk to you and it sounds like she can pound sand (i.e. just maintain no contact with her). She is a flying monkey, being used by manipulators to pressure you into accepting further abuse. And parentification IS abuse.
Wishing you love, light, and a happy life (and your girlfriend, too).
nta you don’t need to talk to her about it
Calm down and tell her no thanks. There is no need for you to be involved in this. That’s it. Then hang up.
Let’s put an end to this nonsense? Your feelings are nonsense?