I’m writing this because I’m scared and feel like I’m being isolated from my family again.
I (27M) have always been the black sheep. My parents didn’t know what to do with me. I ended up skipping eighth grade entirely because I was “gifted.” I usually just got shipped off to academic focused summer camps, which I enjoyed but also made me feel disconnected from my family. I once overheard my mom saying she “doesn’t like talking to me” because I didn’t “act like a normal kid.”
My husband is over a decade older than me. I know how people feel about age gap relationships on reddit and most of the internet at large, but it’s relevant to the story. I’m asking for the conflict at hand to be the focal point, not that one detail.
He and I were friends for years before we ever got together. He always seemed to get it. When we first got together, I reluctantly put my family on the back burner because they treated me so poorly. I would come to events just to see my siblings whispering about me. Extended family were much kinder, they conversed with my husband, but I just couldn’t keep putting myself through that. It made me feel like I was 14 again.
We have reconnected now. But my sister is getting married in a few months and my name is the only one on the invitation, no plus one offered. I asked her about this and she said my situation is “too difficult to explain to her husband’s family.” I told her it’s really not that hard to just say I’m married to an older man. We went back and forth, she said it’s embarrassing for her. I said I’m not coming if he’s not invited.
Now my mom has contacted me, asking why I’m trying to make my sister’s wedding about myself. I just feel so defeated. I feel beaten down. I’ve tried to force myself into this box for them, cutting off parts of myself that don’t fit, and it’s never enough. I don’t know. I don’t want to cause trouble, but I also don’t think I can let this go. AITAH if I don’t attend?
Comments
You’re not making the wedding about yourself, your family already did by treating your marriage like something to hide. If they’re too embarrassed to acknowledge your husband, they don’t deserve your presence either.
Simple question for your sister. What’s more important to her, you being at her wedding or your husband not being at her wedding. It’s one of the other and her choice. This decision is all about her, as it should be on her wedding day
NTA. Just don’t go.
They’ve already told you where they stand. If your sister is “embarrassed” by the fact that you’re married to a man—someone who’s clearly supported you when your own family didn’t—that’s all the answer you need.
You’re not trying to make her wedding about you. But honestly? It can’t be about you if you’re not even there. You’re removing yourself from the situation, and that’s the opposite of causing a scene.
So don’t show up. Don’t shrink yourself to make them more comfortable. Tell them you don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable or embarrassed by your presence… and then quietly bow out. Let that speak louder than any argument ever could.
You’ve done enough trying. You don’t need to cut off parts of yourself to belong. Just move forward and let people who aren’t ashamed of you be your real family.
You’re sister’s got some nerve, making you feel you’re the problem. Your marriage isn’t the issue, her embarrassment is. Stand firm and if it means missing the wedding so be it.
NTA. Just because they are family doesn’t mean you have to lean into their toxic bs.
NTA, simply say “congratulations, but if my husband isn’t invited then I will not attend.” Say this to any family member who asks why you aren’t going. You aren’t responsible for anyone else’s discomfort.
NTA – married couples are invited to weddings as couple, you’ve already verified that your husband isn’t invited. Just RSVP no and leave it at that.
I’m curious why you think it’s the age gap that bothers your family, from the story I would assume that your sister and her fiancé are homophobic.
By the way no one cares when a 27 year old marries a 37 year old, it’s never the actual age gap that’s the issue. It’s the age at the time of meeting, and the timeline. Like a 18 year old being taken advantage of by a 28 year old.
You didn’t provide any information in that regard, said it was irrelevant to the story and then made it reason you thought your sister didn’t invite him. That’s feels like you left out important information.
Went through something similar last year. Showed up without my husband, stayed for the ceremony and an hour of the reception, then gracefully left. It maintained family peace while showing I wouldn’t be pushed around completely. Sometimes compromise is the best revenge.
NTA. It’s perfectly valid for you to decline to attend because your husband wasn’t invited. These days, it really shouldn’t be that shocking to people that gay couples exist or that there might be something of an age gap in a relationship. If your family is embarrassed of that, or if the groom’s family would be uncomfortable with that, their prejudices are not your problem. Just don’t go.
It’s an invite not a summons. Don’t go.
I’m usually harsh on age 10 year age gaps but usually only if they started dating when one person was younger than 25, then it gets gross. NTA this behavior isn’t okay. Just fucking cut them off already and find your new family together with your husband. Stop letting people who treat you like shit be in your life. The alternative is always better.
You’re 27, not 17. Age gap relationships are problematic when there’s a clear, unequal power dynamic.
If your family cannot welcome the whole you, which includes your partner (barring any abusive behavior on his part), then don’t bother going. They don’t care to connect, so why should you twist yourself up to make them happy?
You can politely decline and just fade away from their lives if you don’t want drama. Or you can say matter of factly that you won’t attend because of the exclusion and being singled out. When they give you grief, ask how they’d feel if you excluded their partner for whatever reason you thought was important.
Truthfully, I wouldn’t go, even if they extended the invite. You know what they think and how they are.
ETA
Also, 37 isn’t so old that he could be mistaken for your father.
No parent should ever let their kid feel isolated from their own family. They are the problem not you.
NTA but your family is. I wouldn’t go and I’d probably just ghost them. They aren’t the worth keeping in your life. If you get cancer and it can be cut out you don’t just leave it to get worse. That seems to be what it sounds like is the deal with your family.
I would have looked at my mother and told her…..Why are you trying to make my husband feel like he’s not part of the family. Throw it back in their faces.You don’t need to put up with it. It’s you not saying anything is what makes it awkward. If you don’t stand up for yourself and your husband.
Then that makes them right. I don’t care how old your husband is. He could be five years older or or he can be twenty. If a partner doesn’t stand up for another partner, they are not a good partner. Call out the biased bs. Who cares if he’s older as long as he takes care of you and treats you well, and you do the same. That is all that matters. If your family can’t accept that, that means they’re not you true family, only the crappy blood kind. Love knows no bounds. So when your not getting accepted that means they dont love you. And I would say that to them. I would say that quote, and and look at them and say, i’ve never felt love from you, and love is supposed to be no bounds. Maybe that’ll make them think or, possibly, they will just keep being the same horrible people with their head in the sand.
I want you to understand that being the black sheep of your family may feel like a curse, but it’s often a blessing in disguise.
Black sheep aren’t outsiders because something is wrong with them, they’re usually the most emotionally intelligent in the room. They see through the dysfunction, question the double standards, and refuse to participate in the toxic dynamics that others blindly accept.
While the rest of the family may hide behind denial, people pleasing, or appearances, the black sheep challenges those patterns. They name the truths others are too afraid to face. Why, because that threatens the status quo, your a threat to their toxic dynamic, black sheep’s are not celebrated for their clarity, they’re blamed, dismissed, or labeled the problem.
But in reality, they’re often the ones most self-aware, most reflective, and most committed to ending generational cycles, even if it means standing alone to do it.
Nta. Tell them you won’t go to a wedding when they i insulted yours.
A wedding invite is just that. An invite. Not a summons. And majority of my friends and family are with someone 6 to 16 years apart in age. Age gap can be an issues. Its not always is one.
10 years isn’t even that big of an age gap. You are probably an old soul who vibes with more mature people. Put your family in a box and throw that box in the trash.
NTA – your sister sucks and is either homophobic or too lazy/shitty to back up her brother against homophobic family.
I wouldn’t go.
Standing by your partner: That’s what any loving spouse would do. To attend without him would be to co-sign the idea that he (and your relationship) is something shameful or illegitimate.
Go to the wedding and ask your husband to come in and fetch you when dinner starts. Everyone will see him come and collect you and sure to ask questions….😈
Don’t you dare go without him. Fuck them.
NTA. Your sister is putting her homophobic husband’s family before you. Don’t go, they don’t deserve you.
Nta. You’re married and they need to get over it. I dated a guy 10yrs older when I was 21. We were together 7yrs. My parents loved him. My mates loved him. 10yrs isn’t that big deal.
Tbh this seems to be homophobia rather than anything else. Maybe sisters fiancé’s family are homophobic as well
Respectfully, this isn’t about the “age gap” but rather that your family is homophobic and they don’t respect you or your marriage. Decline the invitation. Take your husband on an AMAZING romantic date take TONS of pics and post them to social media with the captions: family first ALWAYS, LOVE WINS, or if you’re feeling snarky “Nothing worthwhile going on today so I decided to celebrate my family== best husband==love of my life”
NTA – Your husband has done nothing wrong to not be included in the invite. I wouldn’t go to a wedding I couldn’t bring my partner to either!
Seems pretty clear cut. They don’t respect your marriage, so asking you to attend their wedding is pretty meaningless.
I wouldn’t go either.
You’re not making your sister’s wedding about you.
You are simply declining an invitation. It’s an invite, not a summons!
If they are turning it back on you, that’s for them to deal with, not you.
You would most definitely not be TA if you didn’t attend.
Your sister is a shitfuck.
NTA, try “I’m married you mouth breather, if you guys can’t accept that try removing all my contact information from your life, it’s not like I’ll be missing much.”
NTA, the age difference is not a valid reason for not inviting your husband. Personally, I think your sister doesn’t want you at her wedding but she needs to be able to tell everyone it was your decision not to be there. She just won’t tell people it was because she didn’t invite your husband.
I don’t think there’s anything you can say or do that will convince them that they are the assholes in this situation. Stay home and maybe consider going low contact with your family again.
“feel like I’m being isolated from my family again..”
Considering how much bullshit these people come with – you might want to consider therapy to realize what a gift that is.
They can’t love you for who you are or celebrate you or even be pleasant.
Yet, obviously other people can and do. So, it isn’t you that’s the problem.
It’s them.
Therapy, the love of your husband, friends and yourself will be your peace.
NTA
You’re not making it about you. You are making it about her by showing everyone she is an AH.
NTA Good on you, sorry your family is manipulated you and gaslighting you, your a magnificent human being for not being influenced into disrespecting your husband… I would suggest because it worked for me. Make one call. Explain you will be sending an RSVP in the negative . Any wedding where YOUR family isn’t welcome isn’t one you will attend.
NTA. Do not go and do not allow yourself to feel badly about this. Choices have consequences. Your family has chosen to keep your marriage in the dark. Nothing positive grows in the dark.