I (f have been struggling with a medical condition (Without revealing to much info) for over 2 months. My husband (m is my primary caregiver. He wakes up 5 a.m, cleans up, prepares breakfast, then lunch for later, then he goes to work, then he gets off work and immediately comes home, cooks dinner, gets more stuff done around the house and repeat. He does most of the work around snd outside the house plus he is the breadwinner.
My sil (Brother’s wife) kept talking about how men leave their wives when they get sick. She’d comment things like “have you noticed any changes in his behavior?” Or “when was the last time you searched his phone”, basically implying that my husband is one of those men even though she knows and she saw how much effort he makes to help out and support me. She’d even bring up statistics. She did it once infront of my husband to which he responded with silence but she kept staring at him as if she was waiting for him to “react”. I told her that this made me and my husband uncomfortable and that she needed to stop.
Days ago, my husband was working late and couldn’t prepare dinner (I can’t cook for medical reasons). My brother and SIL was visiting so I ordered take out. Sil kept making passive comments implying that my husband was “probably” starting to get tired of taking care of me. I couldn’t take it anymore, especially after she brought up the statistics again. I snapped and told her that since she was at it then she should check the statistics of men who leave their wives for not being able to get pregnant. She went pale and my brother blew up at me asking what was wrong with me. She began crying then went outside. My brother started a huge argument saying I was a monster for saying such a terrible thing to someone who cannot have children. He even had my husband leave work and come home. I couldn’t argue much because I felt nauseous. They left eventually and got the rest of the family involved. My brother, SIL and her mother are wanting an apology. My mom and my husband Saud I shouldn’t have escalated the situation. I understand that infertility is hard on her but I feel like she was being deliberately hurtful to me.
So now I want to know if I’m at fault here?
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Original copy of post’s text by /u/Anonymousred1958:
I (f have been struggling with a medical condition (Without revealing to much info) for over 2 months. My husband (m is my primary caregiver. He wakes up 5 a.m, cleans up, prepares breakfast, then lunch for later, then he goes to work, then he gets off work and immediately comes home, cooks dinner, gets more stuff done around the house and repeat. He does most of the work around snd outside the house plus he is the breadwinner.
My sil (Brother’s wife) kept talking about how men leave their wives when they get sick. She’d comment things like “have you noticed any changes in his behavior?” Or “when was the last time you searched his phone”, basically implying that my husband is one of those men even though she knows and she saw how much effort he makes to help out and support me. She’d even bring up statistics. She did it once infront of my husband to which he responded with silence but she kept staring at him as if she was waiting for him to “react”. I told her that this made me and my husband uncomfortable and that she needed to stop.
Days ago, my husband was working late and couldn’t prepare dinner (I can’t cook for medical reasons). My brother and SIL was visiting so I ordered take out. Sil kept making passive comments implying that my husband was “probably” starting to get tired of taking care of me. I couldn’t take it anymore, especially after she brought up the statistics again. I snapped and told her that since she was at it then she should check the statistics of men who leave their wives for not being able to get pregnant. She went pale and my brother blew up at me asking what was wrong with me. She began crying then went outside. My brother started a huge argument saying I was a monster for saying such a terrible thing to someone who cannot have children. He even had my husband leave work and come home. I couldn’t argue much because I felt nauseous. They left eventually and got the rest of the family involved. My brother, SIL and her mother are wanting an apology. My mom and my husband Saud I shouldn’t have escalated the situation.
So now I want to know if I’m at fault here?
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Fuck that
She absolutely deserved it. You didn’t escalate the situation, you matched it.
Maybe next time she will think twice about spouting her ignorant comments.
NTA
NTA, she wanted drama, she got it.
NTA. She kept poking at your pain and got shocked when you poked back. If you don’t want smoke, don’t light the fire.
NTA fuck ur husband, I’m sorry while he might earn the money and stuff but he doesn’t take ur side. Talk with him
Wow, Holy Shit.
First off, NTA, she was repeatedly crossing several boundaries.
I literally verbally went, “Woah!”, reading this. While blowing up at her probably wasn’t the nicest thing in the world, you can only poke a bear so many times before it snaps. I don’t blame you in the slightest for shouting at her like you did, especially given how stressing it probably is to be in your current condition.
NTA
Well, a person can only take so much! She has been goading you for months, asking if you have checked your husband’s phone, etc. She has really badgered you beyond belief. I can’t blame you, even a little bit, for striking back. Do all these other people who are chiming in with their opinions know what your SIL has been saying to you? If they don’t, maybe it is time that they do. Your SIL is a busybody. She has been trying hard to upset you and your marriage. I think she deserved your counter strike.
ESH. Your SIL should not have kept going on about husbanfs leaving sick wives. All you had to do was tell her you find it insensitive and upsetting. Instead you chose to make a heartless, monstrously cruel comment about her infertility. You did it deliberately because you knew it would hurt her. You’re a deep, wide, asshole for this, and don’t be surprised if it costs you your relationship with her and your brother.
Ask your brother where was his outrage at all of his wife’s comments? Infertile people can at least adopt, foster, etc. Sick people can’t miraculously become healthy again at the drop of a hat. Your SIL just earned her stupid prize for playing a stupid game.
Though I understand the retaliatory comment. What I don’t understand is why you allow them to continue to be in your life. What you’re saying to your husband by having them continue to be around is that maybe you do support this because silences its own action. In my opinion, you should send a strong signal to your husband that they are no longer welcome with their views that you do not support them. You do not wish to tolerate their idiocy
I feel like this has been going on for a while you should’ve been more vocal. Like a the first time she said anything. I would have been like “let me stop you right there” and if she continued talked to your brother and if it continues just stop inviting her over… but waiting until you blow up and hit below the belt is not ok. She is also sooo wrong. In her head she might have been trying to help. Not sure if you ever talked to her about her comments before
Nah NTA. She kept pushing at a sensitive situation and that’s not okay. You only snapped after repeated hurtful comments. Everyone literally has a breaking point. She definitely deserved that in my books.
i mean you reap what you sow :/ NTA
You wouldn’t get an apology out of me for something she started and you finished. I’m so sorry but I would rather never speak to her again than give an apology I don’t mean. She asked for this.
Not the a** she didnt like that? Oh wild? Imagine
YTA. Don’t get me wrong. She is TA as well. She deserved what she got, and her actions were deplorable. However, you snapped and lashed out, committing the same offense.
You are better off without them
NTA she had it coming
NTA. Statistics say when asshats like this talk shit & someone calls them out, they get pissed & offended. She deserved it.
NTA SIL is starting shit for not reason. Probably because she’s projecting her insecurities onto you. You just taught her a valuable lesson about keeping her mouth shut.
Maybe she’s just being a bitch, or maybe she was suggesting something that your husband doesn’t have the courage to tell you and that she knows about. Let’s hope the first option.
NTA
So she can dish it out but she can’t take it. Tell your brother that you are tired of her offensive and disrespectful remarks about your husband. All you did was give her an equivalent analogy that she could relate to. Hurts, doesn’t it?
Mute everyone and enjoy the peace. You definitely don’t need your brother or SIL in your life anymore.
So you are terrible for bringing up her medical issues but it’s okay for her to do it? It’s the exact same thing.
UpdateMe
It was wrong of you but SIL
Needs to apologize and mean it to your husband . When men or woman leave there is a reason . I have heard of men leaving after wives got better but usually not in the middle of it
NTA
Sounds like your SIL can dish it out. Sadly, she can not take it.
Them’s the breaks. She sounds tedious, maybe not having to deal with her in the future is ideal.
NTA- Sounds like your SIL FAFO’d.
As mean, as it was for you to go there, it was fairly equivalent to what she was doing to you.
The fact that everybody seemed to be OK with her saying that stuff to you but reacted differently because she was hurt by what you said shows that people aren’t respecting your situation.
Rightfully a lot of sympathy is given to woman who can’t get pregnant, but they should notice how mean-spirited she’s been with you as well
Classic FAFO.
You’re awesome!
Nta. What she said was grossly inappropriate and she kept twisting the knife and kept repeating it well guess what I think what you said was perfect and maybe she’ll keep her mouth shut in her opinion star herself consequences of reactions and anyone who thinks it’s okay for her to say what she said to you first doesn’t have your interest I’m glad you said it good job
NTA. She FAFO
Hahaha that was a beast move. You gave her a taste of what she was giving you regularly. Neither situation can be helped so it was a toxic move on your part to respond, but I for sure would have done the same. Completely justified, but will have consequences.
If this is a true story your SIL is a major AH and your brother is as well for not putting her in check for her bad behavior. Did you ever directly tell her that her fixation was making you and your husband uncomfortable and ask her to stop?
I’m going ESH because, in the end, you sunk to her level.
NTA- although yes what you said was retaliation, she didn’t listen nor respect your boundaries. If anything she should begin with an apology to you.
If i understand correctly, Id recommend speaking with your brother about it. He’s didn’t step up for you and didn’t prevent her from upsetting you. You’re not wrong for reacting, maybe a little at fault for retaliating but not without reason.
NTA, maybe you should ask your SIL, and everyone else, how she can expect to throw mud and not get some on herself and see what she / they have to say? You asked more than once for her to stop and she didn’t, that gives you every right to say whatever you needed to, to get her to stfu. Once someone has broken the golden rule you are not bound to follow it either. You just leveled the playing field with statistics, same as she was laying on you. It was totally fair for you to make the comment you did. She needs to apologize to you first then you can apologize to her. She commented first, wouldn’t let it go when asked multiple times. You only made one comment, it was much more hurtful, it was what was necessary, wasn’t it? She stopped didn’t she?
A bit of ESH but don’t apologize. She literally had it coming. She was shitty and yeah you matched that, hence ESH. Hopefully this can be the reset button
You have a chronic illness. She’s equally TA. You were cruel in retaliation. The fact that they don’t see her actions as being cruel says tons..
NTA. Dish/take. Next question.
Seriously. FAFO. SIL wouldn’t let it go so what did she think was going to happen.
You didn’t start the fight. You finished it.
That was a well earned Mortal Kombat fatality using only words.
I salute you.
I have to wonder if your sister is one of those shitty people who never had consequences for the awful shit they do.
Edit: sister in law. Oops.
Don’t apologise; she deserved it – she shouldn’t be surprised you snapped back – she who stirs the pot must be prepared to lick the spoon.
I think you reacted poorly after being bullied for quite some time. Your family’s behavior simply shows that the SIL’s behavior has been normalized and they don’t see the pain it causes. Your sister in law is a sniper.
Snipers always make comments in a group situation because there is plenty of cover and they believe you won’t get back in front of others. I dealt with one in my staff. He would take shots in large meetings believing that I wouldn’t cause a scene. He was wrong!!
NTA. Your brother is a hypocritical piece of shit who should’ve defended you when she was being horrid. Spineless pos.
Yeah, you owe no one an apology and sorry but your mum and husband SUCK for not having your back.
Your SIL is a loser who gets her kicks from hurting people. Your brother is a POS for not telling his wife to shut up or get out if she can’t be pleasant.
You absolutely aren’t at fault. Health conditions fucking suck to have and caretakers are human and not robots. They can get tired and instead choose to order takeout for fuck’s sake. Also for what reason would you have to destroy your brother’s marriage with these stupid ass questions?
She was TAH, but so were you for stooping to her level. Would have been better to just set firm boundaries and make her leave until she was ready to apologize and change her behavior.
NTA.
Your mother and sister in law can have an apology AFTER she apologizes for insinuating that your husband isnt loyal.
All these insecure people dishing it out to make themselves feel better need to work on themselves instead of tearing down others.
You asked appropriately before for her to stop. You could have done a contact loss boundary everytime it came out of her mouth to be gentler and kinder. Say “you have to leave my house now for insulting my husband you have been asked multiple times.” Or “we are leaving now since you have decided to insult my husband”
BLUF She started it and didnt have the spine to finish it.NTA
NTA. How come they all accepted her bullying you and trying to make you feel insecure but when you try to make her feel the same then they all want you to apologize? That’s awful. They all owe you an apology.