I (24M) have been having issues with my best friend’s (23M) wife (20F) for months now. From the first day we met she judged me. First is was, because I couldn’t attend their wedding. I was working remotely in a different country at the time. I apologized refusely and ordered them a pizza oven for a wedding gift.
These were little remarks that my girlfriend (23F) could hear in the background of our phone calls. She would write down what she heard for me since I’m deaf. My phone is capable of translating audio calls into text on my screen, but it can only pick up so much and for the most part I rely on context clue. It had gotten more ridiculous when I returned to the states and finally met her. She didn’t realize that I was deaf. She started yelling (for the record we can tell) and ignored my girlfriend who tired to explain that yelling is rude to do. It’s much easier to read lips when you speak normally.
Any other time when we would met up (which I made sure wasn’t often) she wouldn’t look at me when speaking. She was relying on my girlfriend to translate which my girlfriend shouldn’t have to do. I’m capable of reading lips. Again, also rude to do even if I had s certified translator with me.
Last night at game night broke the straw for me. His wife offered to order dinner for all of us. When the driver dropped of the delivery she didn’t order anything for me. She apologized and said, “Well I forgot he was here since he’s so quiet.” I never been embarrassed to be deaf until that moment. Which is saying a lot, because I was born deaf. My girlfriend shared her dinner with me. I ignored his wife for the rest of the night and we called it early. My girlfriend lied and told them she had an important meeting to prepare for. His wife (I think he asked her to) had been texting me with halfbaked apologies that I have been ignoring. This caught the attention of my best friend who texted me asking why I was being mean and ignoring her. That she was sorry for what happened and that she wasn’t lying about me being quiet. He told me that I shouldn’t get so butthurt over a few comments. I have been ignoring him too.
I don’t think making fun of me or the deaf/hard of hearing community is funny. AITAH for acting sensitive to this and ignoring them both? I don’t want to throw away our friendship, but I feel like it’s for the best. My girlfriend is supportive of removing ourselves from them or for forgiving them and moving forward.
Edit: Correcting my mistakes. I’m not used to my best friend having a wife now instead of a girlfriend.
Comments
Why do you switch between calling her his wife to his girlfriend? Is this yet another AI story?
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Nta. And your friend is so gross for not defending you. I understand standing by your partner. But it is okay to say “you’re crossing the line”
I would go low contact. Life goes on. But he persists then I would just be honest. And if he cannot accept that then NC.
It’s entirely possible she jumped the gun on how she felt about you after missing the wedding and has just put her foot in her mouth since. You’re nta but I would prob entertain the relationship a bit longer just to get more evidence she’s being prickly with you for your friend to seek or better yet, she shows you she can be a decent person and everyone gets to be happy 🙂
>That she was sorry for what happened
No she wasn’t. And even if she were, you are more important than she is. Take care of yourself first. NTA.
You’re definitely NTA. Your friend is close, though, and his wife definitely is.
Your friend can make all of the excuses for his wife’s behavior he wants, but the truth is she’s uncomfortable around you and won’t make any effort to adjust her reactions to your deafness.
She’s young, and has probably never dealt closely with anyone different from herself before. But her outright rudeness and hostility makes her a definite a$$hole. And your friend is just making excuses instead of calling her out on her behavior.
You can attempt to educate her, but until she develops some maturity, you’re probably just beating your head against a wall.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, OP, it sounds like a sucky situation all around.
If this is real, it sounds like your friend’s wife is a rude, selfish, b!tch and you should talk to your friend about her disrespecting you.
You’re not being too sensitive. You gave them chances and they repeatedly disrespected you and your needs. That’s not a friend, and his wife sounds cruel. It’s okay to walk away from that kind of environment.
NTA. She should’ve ordered you dinner when she said sh would, she shouldn’t have yelled, and she shouldn’t be making rude comments. At that point, you were just ignoring her for your own peace of mind and her apologies were clearly false. Your friend should’ve been more understanding. Think about how much you want to see these people in the future.
NTA, because she behaved terribly, but stories like these make me wonder about the connecting relationship. What was your best friend doing during all of this? Your gf shouldn’t have to teach his wife not to yell – he should have prepped her, maybe even practiced ahead of time, and been on top of correcting her so his best friend felt comfortable. Then, when she forgot you when ordering food, it should have been a huge deal to him and your gf not been forced to share her food because he immediately ordered more or shared theirs or whatever. And what kind of person is okay with their significant other making comments about their best friend and just hoping they couldn’t hear? My concern is that this best friend may not be the kind of best friend you deserve.
Sure, his wife is obtuse at best, but I’d make my decision on whether to give her a second chance dependent on how active your friend was in trying to correct his wife and fix the problems she caused. It may be time to let this one go and I’m really sorry about that.
NTA. She might have just been self absorbed and ignorant about communicating with deaf people until the food thing. To blatantly forget you then blame you for being “””quiet””” is outright deliberate and malicious.
Tell your friend and the bigot she is damn lucky you are not making a bigger deal to get crucified for her ableism. Tell him to stop playing dumb and that he knows damn well what his wife has been saying about you behind your back and that you’re disgusted at him for turning into the kind of person who defends discrimination to get laid.
Rage bait. New account.
Drop that friendship fast as hell. His wife is ignorant & your friend is compliant. No way.
You’re definitely not the asshole here. Your best friend’s wife has shown repeated disrespect toward you and your deafness, which is hurtful and unacceptable. It’s important to set boundaries when someone dismisses or mocks such a fundamental part of who you are. Ignoring her and protecting yourself is totally understandable. Your feelings are valid, and you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. Hopefully, your friend will come to see how hurtful her behavior is, but in the meantime, take care of yourself first.
Info was she turning her head AWAY from you or hiding her mouth, or just not making eye contact with you?
was it an INTENTIONAL turn/ thing? Especially in a social setting, I do not keep my head in one place or tend to look at people head on the whole time.
Edit: not ordering you anything is plain hostile/ mean behavior. Just so I make that clear.
Your friends wife is a massive bitch and you shouldn’t feel embarrassed about anything.
If you friend is taking her side, cut him off as he is just facilitating it. Life is too short to put up with shit people
NTA
NTA. Some people are amazingly ignorant.
So, this person had been unkind to you for a period of time and you STILL invited her for “game night”?
That’s on you.
Hopefully you’ve learned a lesson here.
No more game nights for her or anything else for that matter.
If your friend is a package deal with his wife, then he gets excluded as well.
His fault . He picked her.
Just to be clear that slight at forgetting to get you food because you’re “quiet” was intentional, no way she forgets you but remembers your girlfriend.
I sincerely hope the conversation your best friend had with his wife went like: “You treat my friend the same way you’d like to be treated. This is the first and only time I will ask this of you.”
The wife sounds like a PITA. Your girlfriend sounds like a keeper, though.
Well. Here’s the thing: is that really your best friend? Because from the way you guys treat each other, it kind of doesn’t seem like it at all.
You didn’t go to his wedding (which sorry but if my best friend got married, I would move heaven and earth to be there – especially if I worked remotely), he never even told his wife you are deaf (??), apparently you’ve never met before the wedding either?
Why on earth did they get married that young anyways, yall are apparently barely able to hold adult conversations.
Listen, NTA. She’s being a bitch. But I would suggest re-considering who you call your best friend.
NTA When people apologise after treating you like crap and their partner who is meant to be your BF is pushing you for not acccepting it, it’s because they hate being made to feel bad for something they know they should feel bad about but are too immature to admit it. We see too much of this these days and I wouldn’t trust an apology from someone so willing to be so disrespectful so quickly. Sadly I think you may lose your friend out of this as he really must choose his wife whether she deserves it or not.
NTA. A best friend would never allow their friend to feel like that, to be degraded over a condition they have that’s out of their control. He should of told her to pipe down and not insult someone.
I don’t understand some people because if it had been me, I’d have shut that shit down real quick. No nonsense.
His wife is a cruel bitch and I’d happily set my ferrets on her for you if you wish. I’m sure karma will catch her eventually though, if my Jasper doesn’t first.
Fellow deafie here. Stop catering to them, just turn off your voice (if you speak), take out your hearing aids or CIs if you wear them, and go full ASL. No apologies, no excuses. If she complains, just shrug and say sorry, she was so quiet you forgot she was there.
Being raised by a deaf mute mother and getting in many fights growing up because people can be so insensitive when it came to treating her like a normal fucking human being.
Sorry you had to deal with that asshole of a person. And it’s disappointing that your friend isn’t taking it seriously enough. I would give it him another chance and keep my distance far away from the rude insensitive wife.
NTA
I don’t even have words that could describe how angry I am for you.
Your “friends” wife is a real piece of work using your disability against you and him not defending you.
People who can hear and speak have no idea how hard it is to be acknowledged or navigate life when you simply cannot hear or speak.
in my opinion they owe you an apology for excluding you and treating you that way.
NTA. His wife sounds like ableist garbage. You deserve a community that supports you, not people that make you feel less than. Sorry you went through this!
Your best friend’s wife is a c*^t.
Your relationship with your BF will always be strained, but it’s his job to fix that with his wife.
You’re not wrong, and I’m sorry you’ve had to experience that.
The wife is an AH. Your “friend” is not your friend. Tell him that he’s a sorry excuse for a person let alone a friend and the friendship is over.
They don’t treat you like a person. And you need to stop accepting that kind of treatment
NTA, You’re not being sensitive, she’s being insensitive. She also sounds ableist. I know you may not want to but you may have to limit your relationship with your best friend or try and meet him without her. I really hate this for you. She sounds like a piece of work and also she’s 20, close enough to teenage years to still be an asshole.
What kind of remarks would be said in the background?
And you “friend” already seemed to make the choice that your overreacting and his wife’s bigotry is okay.
Next time someone says (or texts) anything just say you cannot hear them
Nta. Shes an ablist and an AH. And so is your friend cause he enables it. And he married her.
NTA, but give your best friend the history that you have shared with us.
Edit: And I’m having a boatload of trouble believing that she sincerely forgot to order food for you. What a passive-aggressive dick move on her part.
NTA and lose these aholes as friends. You don’t meed them.
NTA, she is disrespectful. And you have every right to protect yourself from this. I would detail the issues to your friend via text or letter and let them know the friendship has terminated.
Oh God this breaks my heart. You deserve better❤️
i get it
ive had heart surgeries from birth
all i know is ..its not sustainable to be around people who dont respect the disabled. they are cruel. your friend honestly deserves to understand that this stuff can get him and his wife cut off, and i would cut them off, but thats up to you
My sister is also deaf from birth and because of that I have quite a few deaf friends as well. I would be livid if anyone made a sideways comment about them or treated them poorly. Your “best friend” is not your best friend.
Hey man, I’m deaf too and this shit happens.
I’ve lost friends over this sorts stuff too.
Hold your ground, if he actually approaches you to talk explain it to him and leave it at that.
It’s not up to us to accomplish for people who have everything going for them.