My sister recently told me she has been getting coffee regularly with an ex-girlfriend whom broke up with me way back in 2005. She hid it from me for over 2 months and then when she eventually told me and asked if I was okay with it I had no visible reaction and asked her what she wanted from me.
This ex and I dated from 1999-2005 from the ages of 14-20. She was cheating on me for the last 2 years and left me for the guy. It was 20 years ago. I’m 40 now. I was heartbroken but dealt with it and moved on. I have a wife I’ve been married to for 12 years. I’m a dad to 3 kids. Why would I care about someone from 20 years ago?
My sister is frustrated because I have no reaction she wants to know I’m okay with it or not. They were good friends back then but stopped talking when the breakup happened but she says it’s like all that time hasn’t passed. I guess she wants my approval? Like I said I literally don’t care. If she wants to talk to her that’s fine but I won’t be interested. It’s her life. She can talk to who she wants.
ETA: my sister also felt as betrayed as I did about the cheating hence why they stopped talking but again the whole affair was 20 years ago and I dealt with the hurt and have moved on from it. I genuinely don’t feel weird if my sister is talking to her again.
Comments
NTA.
It was 20 years ago and you’ve more than moved on. I actually think you’re being quite mature and having no reaction would be a normal response to hearing about someone you haven’t seen or heard from in 20 years. Maybe your sister feels guilty for talking to her again because of the cheating?
NTA
You’ve maturely moved on and made peace with how your relationship ended. You don’t want to get involved either way and rightfully so therefore it’s not for you to give or withhold permission.
If she continues to push you for an answer tell her that you don’t care either way but what your boundaries may be regarding the relationship – e.g. you don’t care and don’t want to hear about it, don’t want her bought around your children and wife, etc.
Might be best to loop your wife in just so she is aware and not caught out if your sister brings your ex somewhere
NTA, it’s been ages since you dated this ex. It’s normal not to react strongly to something so long past.
U reaction was totally appropriate to the situation. Why did ur sister expect more of a reaction??? That’s so odd!
Nta. Just to tell her that you are fine with it full stop. Why exactly did she get mad at you for not showing a reaction?
NTA there’s gotta be something she’s probably not telling you because she seems invested in the idea of you caring about this.
NTA. It was twenty years ago… Maybe the friend is still bitter about what happened? There is no reason you should have an opinion now.
Your lack of reaction is actually a reaction- you don’t care! NTA
Whatever your sister wants, it has nothing to do with you, your wife or children.
Keep it that way.
NTA
Your reaction is normal. Her reaction is weird. I’m curious her motiviation… does she want you to cheat on your wife with the ex?
NTA but make it cheat your sister shouldn’t be inviting her to any family gatherings.
Question.
Is your sister straight?
I think she didn’t talk to her so long because she was looking out for you and finding out you didn’t care makes her feel like her sacrificing her friend ship for so long was pointless. It’s illogical I know but the only thing that seems to fit for me NTA
It sounds more to me like your sister was talking to her, and told you for a reaction tbh
NTA. Not sure why your sister is hoping for a reaction. But as the saying goes “careful what you wish for”. I say forget about the situation with the ex and use the opportunity to bring up every petty grievance you have to make a point. “Hey sis. Upon reflection, I think you’re right, I’m not having a valid reaction to the news that you are having coffee with someone that so far has been in less than 13% of my life and continues to be less and less relevant as the years go by. I assume your concern is purely out of the goodness of your heart and a desire for healthy communication between us. That being said, since you’ve expressed a desire for me to open and communicate my grievances I wanna talk about A, B, C, D, etc. (start listing petty grievances like the time she got you in trouble, the time she ate your cookie as a kid, the time she teased you about your appearance, literally ANYTHING). I truly don’t care about the ex but I am tortured by the fact that (insert petty grievance). Sure ex cheated on me, but I was able to move on and have a wonderful life. But (petty grievance)?! AAAAHHHHHH!!!!! I don’t know what to say except I hope my above description satisfies your reaction requirement. If not, please let me know and I’ll do my best to milk it better.”
NTA. Just show your sister this post. You’ve obviously moved on and don’t dwell on past events. Maybe your sister wants your reassurance that you don’t mind if she reconnects with your ex and restarts their old friendship?