Aitah? Sister wants to have wedding in Italy

r/

Basically we grew up very poor. My sister met a guy and he’s a good dude we like him. But they recently got engaged and just told us they want to get married in Italy. His family apparently is pretty wealthy. I’ve done decent for myself and taking my family of 5 to Italy will absolutely cripple my savings. I am better off than my siblings and parents so I know there is no way they can afford it either. Aitah for saying we’re not going? I refuse to put my family in a bad spot financially.

Comments

  1. talktomenous Avatar

    When we did a destination wedding, we paid for our immediate family. Expensive, but it also allowed us to cull the guest list without saying so which made it ultimately cheaper and more fun.

    Maybe she’s going to pay or at least get a room block in a hotel?

  2. SciFiEmma Avatar

    If you haven’t got the money, then you don’t. We live in the future; be there virtually by livestream and then support a big celebratory party back home later.

  3. Inevitable_Speed_710 Avatar

    NTA.    Sorry sis, we can’t afford it.  Wish we could be there.  Love you and hope it is everything you’ve dreamed of but we won’t be there.

  4. Eastern_Baker6910 Avatar

    Your sister out of all people there should be very well aware of that. If she gets it she gets it. if not then it’s her problem.

  5. Salty_Thing3144 Avatar

    NTA. In no way are you the asshole. Destination weddings are expensive and your sis had better learn to accept that she WILL lose a large number of guests, especially when she knows her family can’t afford this. They’re asking a lot and that’s on them – not you. 

  6. Naive-Beekeeper67 Avatar

    NTA.
    If you can’t afford it . Then you can’t. Do not wipe out your savings or go into debt to go to anyone’s wedding.

  7. CherylSexy599 Avatar

    Saying no to debt isn’t a lack of love, it’s protecting your future while they plan theirs. Celebrating her doesn’t have to mean sacrificing yourself.

  8. Gloomy-Increase-8726 Avatar

    NTA. Never put your own family finances at risk for somebody else’s party. Your sister is either not thinking through the financial effect of her wedding plans on her own family members or she does know and doesn’t care whether or not her own family is there. Either way, it’s not your problem and everyone else can make their own decisions about whether or not to go to her Italian wedding.

  9. AxargoOpium Avatar

    NTA. It’s completely fair to say no if it puts your family in a tough spot. A wedding should never come at the cost of someone else’s financial well being. If they care about you they’ll understand.

  10. Obvious-Mulberry2696 Avatar

    girl no you’re not the ah lmao, destination weddings are cute until you realise they cost everyone else their kidneys, love your sister and a lil pasta moment, but not at the expense of your entire savings, send a cute gift and keep movin

  11. Ok-Entertainment2284 Avatar

    Not the AH. Keep us updated

  12. VivianDiane Avatar

    NTA. Destination weddings are a privilege, not an obligation. If she wants you there, she should help with costs or choose a more accessible location.

  13. treejutsu Avatar

    NTA do what you think is right. Future for your kid is safe . Their marriage will probably not last.

  14. Admirable-Biscotti86 Avatar

    NTA for not going but you could be depending on how you respond. She fully had the right to celebrate her wedding where and how she wants and while it may be disappointing to not be included I don’t think she should be made to feel guilty for wanting her wedding to be in Italy.

  15. LakeGlen4287 Avatar

    NTA. They should plan to host a reception for friends and family back home.

    Sometimes people choose to have a destination wedding precisely because they know it will not be affordable, and they do it anyway just to keep the guest list small.

    If her fiancé is wealthy, they could pay for her immediate family to be there, if they wanted you there.

  16. RLLCCR Avatar

    I can think of few things more miserable than impovershing myself to go to a place I didn’t pick and have no time to enjoy it because of a family wedding. NTA

  17. Single-Award2463 Avatar

    NTA.

    If someone has a destination wedding, it’s the unspoken rule that some people won’t be able to attend. It’s just the way it is.

  18. Odd_Task8211 Avatar

    NTA. She wants a wedding no one in her family can afford. Don’t drain your savings to support it.

  19. Far_Information_9613 Avatar

    NTA. She probably knows you can’t, so be nice about it. Probably her new husband is going to dominate her life now.

  20. ArmyGuyinSunland Avatar

    When your entire family has to decline over the financial aspect, maybe they will realize their plan is unrealistic? Sure, the rich fiancé could cover all the rooms. That’s great, but plane tickets and a rental are still not cheap. Not the asshole.

  21. Roxxxxxxxxxxx03 Avatar

    That’s the thing with destination weddings. The bride and groom realistically cannot expect a lot of people to be able to afford to attend the wedding, including family members. They are out to lunch if they think you have to attend regardless.
    NTA. If you can’t afford it, don’t go.

  22. UnderstandingOne6384 Avatar

    Could you just go? Maybe leave the kids with your partner. It could be fun. You could spend time with your sister.
    Regardless, it’s not horrible if you don’t go, but you sound really angry, so what if she wants a destination wedding. And met someone that is wealthy.
    You need to think about how angry this makes you instead of happy for your sister.
    No one is the AH not even your sister

  23. Nanabanafofana Avatar

    NTA. Choosing a destination wedding is the easy way to cut out family without hurt feelings.

    Does your sister resent growing up poor? Could she be embarrassed about your family’s comparatively lower economic status?

    My sister’s husband was very sick. Of course, doctors cannot say whether he has three months,six months or a year, but they knew it was coming. Most daughters would plan their wedding sooner rather than later. Without going into their relationship, I always suspected their daughter waited until her father passed away to get married because she was ashamed of him.

    Not judging your sister because I don’t know her. Maybe she’s just so excited about the wedding she really didn’t think about the economic consequences to her side of the family.

  24. Old_Set1948 Avatar

    Please merry in your own country 

  25. Ok-Pumpkin-6203 Avatar

    NTA

    But why Italy? Has she spent a lot of time there before or is it just because she has seen some photos and thought ‘that looks nice’.

  26. OllimelidibaOat Avatar

    No one is TAH for declining to put themselves in debt. Declining the wedding invitation is a responsible adult thing to do in this situation.

    Just decline kindly and with the facts. “I’m sorry to have to decline your invitation, but we just can’t afford such an expensive trip. I know it will be a wonderful event and a magical beginning to your life together”.

    They can always throw a modest reception when they return so that family can celebrate with them.

  27. Both-Respect-4146 Avatar

    Don’t go. They are ridiculous for expecting family to spend all that money if they don’t have it.

  28. EnvironmentalLuck515 Avatar

    NTA. Frankly, your sister would be the AH if she gets mad that her family can’t afford this.

  29. ReikiLadyDeb Avatar

    My cousin is getting married this weekend. The wedding is 2000 miles away from the family. The hotel rooms are outrageously expensive, the airfare alone would put us into debt. So I said thank you for thinking of us, but we just can’t do it. Here’s a nice gift, I wish you all the happiness in the world, can’t wait to see the photos! They’ll understand. And if they don’t, that’s not your problem.

  30. Adorable-Flight-496 Avatar

    Destination wedding in Italian translates to “Way to force you to take a vacation I want”

    NTA

  31. Sammalone1960 Avatar

    Folks with destination weddings have to be prepared to have rsvp’s of hell no we will not be attending.

  32. Separate_Positive728 Avatar

    These destination weddings need to better thought out as to the economics for all involved…….not everyone has an extra 5k-10k sitting around for a European junket…..

  33. New_Principle_9145 Avatar

    NTA – you are being fiscally responsible. Have a grown up talk and just let her know thst you want to celebrate with her, but you won’t go broke trying to.

  34. ATLien_3000 Avatar

    The only excuse here is if the guy is Italian.

  35. SterlingSilver2954 Avatar

    It’s a shame you and your family won’t be able to be there, but you can’t jeopardize your future by putting all of your savings into one wedding! Wish your sister well, send her a small check as a gift, and tell her you can’t wait to see the photos. You may want to ask if they’re going to broadcast the wedding on zoom so you could participate in that manner.

  36. Best-Negotiation-211 Avatar

    NtA, wish her all the best but explain you don’t have that kind of money available and you’re not going in to debt. If she’s a good sister, she’ll understand.

  37. SampsonShrill Avatar

    Definitely NTA. She can’t expect everyone to go to Italy. Tell her now while she is planning. 

  38. hospicedoc Avatar

    NTA. When your sister and BIL get back from Italy have a party for them and invite your family.

  39. Limp_Pipe1113 Avatar

    If she’s going have a destination wedding she needs to see if people can attend without it financially crippling them and if they can’t attend then she better not get upset when they say they can’t attend.

    If she really wants her family there and he wants you there then they need to pay for your travel and accommodation otherwise they just need to accept that her side of the family simply cannot attend due to financial constraints.

  40. Zusi99 Avatar

    My in-laws and ourselves were invited to their godson’s destination wedding. We couldn’t afford it so we didn’t go. They did hold a reception style party when they returned, which we went to.

  41. Ruthless_Bunny Avatar

    Just tell your sister, “your wedding sounds magical. I wish we had the wherewithal to attend. I’m going to be straight with you. Most of us can’t afford it. We want to be there with you and it’s just not possible. If this is truly what you want, I support you. We can celebrate when you get home.”

    Your sister may want what she wants and it can totally conflict with what others can afford

  42. WHowe1 Avatar

    NTAH, if they choose that destination wedding, wish them luck, send a gift if you can. But don’t put yourself in financial danger to attend.

  43. Hefty-Ad2090 Avatar

    Hell nah…People’s decisions with weddings are ridiculous.

  44. Egbert_64 Avatar

    The fact of the matter is if you have a destination wedding you either pay to transport people or accept that the can’t make it

  45. JipsyChick Avatar

    NTA but why do you need to take your entire family? I’m not asking this out of snark. This is a legitimate question. The reason I ask is because I’ve been in this exact situation (except it wasn’t Italy, it was just the other side of the US) and I went alone. I was there supporting my sister and we couldn’t all afford to go so I just went.

    Unless of course you can’t afford that either in which case don’t go and you’re still NTA.

  46. Correct-Condition-99 Avatar

    Explain it to her. But be prepared for a lot of emotional baggage.

  47. RetMilRob Avatar

    She is your sister, lay it out for her clearly now and share the financial strain this puts on you, your father and his obligations. Be a voice of reason to her before your father has to go hat in hand. NTA but your sister sure is.

  48. Juergenater_ Avatar

    Your sisters future husbands family like isn’t interested in mingling with you guys. Likely he isn’t such a good guy if they follow through with this. He likely wants to estrange your sister from your family as well. My prediction is that your sister will be standing in front of your door in a few years looking for a place to stay once she is dumped. Think about my logic at least. So for sure don’t go and talk your dad into not supporting this at all financially.

  49. SatisfactionHour1722 Avatar

    NTA. Wish them well.

  50. 2old2tired4this Avatar

    NTA.

    While it is their wedding to plan as they please, destination weddings are rarely affordable for a majority of the guests – including close family.

    If getting married in Italy is important to them as a couple, they should do that. They can always have a reception back home to celebrate with friends and family. A friend of mine did this. They basically married officially on their honeymoon and had a Friday evening reception when they returned. Bonus – venues are generally less expensive and more available on Fridays than on Saturdays.

    If having her family present for the actual ceremony is important, they need to reconsider the location. It is unfair to put that kind of financial expectation on people with limited means.

    Her “special day” should not come at the expense of her family’s financial security. To expect otherwise would be incredibly selfish on their part.

  51. frenchfry2319 Avatar

    NTA, but if you want to be there, you could consider just you going and your partner staying home with kids. Not an obligation by any means, but a possibility.

  52. Knittingfairy09113 Avatar

    NTA

    Tell her that you can’t afford it but you’re very happy for her and would like to take them to dinner after Italy. If she pushes, be clear that she is welcome to have whatever wedding she and Fiancé want, but that doesn’t magically increase your available funds.

    Encourage your dad to tell her that he has X amount of money to put to her wedding and she can use that amount for whatever, but that’s all he can manage.

  53. NumbersOverFeelings Avatar

    NTA but … just go solo? Why is it 5 or 0?

  54. Ready_Willingness_82 Avatar

    NTA. Your sister gets to decide where she’s getting married and you get to decide whether or not to attend. Your sister and her fiancé really do need to be told that none of her family members can afford to go. What they do with that information is up to them. They might decide to have a wedding in her home country and then a second wedding in Italy. If they decide to have only one wedding, in Italy, then they’ll have to accept that none of her family will be there and they’ll have to explain away the optics of that to their guests. Don’t let your sister talk you into incurring financial stress. No wedding is worth that.

  55. swellfog Avatar

    I’d say something like “That’s great. How exciting. Unfortunately, going to Italy is just not in the cards for us due to other commitments. We appreciate the invitation, but must decline. I’d be happy to host a cake and champagne toast in our back yard when you get back for anyone who cannot make the trip.”

    This is probably an unpopular opinion, but I always find it a little weird for people to do destination weddings to places they have no personal connection to.

  56. Ok-Macaron-5612 Avatar

    NTA. Expecting people to financially suffer for a wedding is disgusting behaviour. If you want to be petty, Rsvp no, but make the gift a donation in her name, maybe to a charity fighting child poverty.

  57. Easy-Sun5599 Avatar

    No, destination weddings are about the couple not the attendees. Can you afford to go alone? No shame in not taking your kids.

  58. lgwp45 Avatar

    Do not put yourself in debt because of a wedding and don’t let anyone use that family is family crap. If they start that you can tell them you’re happy to go if they want to pay but you are absolutely not putting you and your family in financial trouble for a wedding in Italy.

    Updateme

  59. Decent-Revolution455 Avatar

    NTA. I’m of the opinion that people do destination weddings to somewhat purposefully cull the guests attending. They invite everyone, only some can come, and depending on the deal the wedding couple gets their hotel for free if X number of guests book in that hotel.

  60. Mediumcomputer Avatar

    At a destination wedding you should never be mad guests can’t afford it. What’s the asshole behavior is thinking everyone is well off because one person is.

  61. steffie-flies Avatar

    NTA Since both my husband and I live far from our honetowns, we ended up having a semi-destination wedding in the city where we live. My family is very lower middle class and his family is not, so we did our best to make sure we had hotel options at every price point. In fact, my relatives who I knew would be struggling to afford the weekend stayed at my house so they wouldn’t have to worry about lodging when they spent their extra money on gas to drive. If you want to make it work, there are ways to do it.

  62. longndfat Avatar

    Just tell her that you cannot afford travel to Italy. Then its her decision and cannot blame you for not attending.

  63. d4everman Avatar

    >His family apparently is pretty wealthy.

    Why aren’t they paying for it, then?

  64. ButteredPizza69420 Avatar

    Sometimes people have destination weddings so that people they dont want there wont come. Sorry but true. Some people use it as a way to cut off family they know wont save up to come.

    Not saying its right, its just something people do sometimes..

  65. Fun_Ideal_5584 Avatar

    That would be a very big expense for your family. Sorry, we can send a nice gift, but we are unable to travel to Italy at this time. We wish you luck. Nothing stopping them from having their Italian wedding. Just don’t expect family to join.

  66. Careless-Ability-748 Avatar

    nta you can’t really think you are.

  67. Lifeisgoole Avatar

    When I was invited to a cousin’s wedding in Europe, I wished them well, hoped for a long and happy marriage and explained I would not be there.
    I have timed limited leave from work available and I need it for me.